Dropping the playing dumb facade, we all know that the stuffed animal riding the bigger stuffed animal is none other than Cait Sith, the object of much fanboy hatred. The reason for this extreme negative reaction is that Cait Sith takes away from the serious and deep nature of this game by polluting it with comedy and silliness. It’s apparently difficult to truly experience the intensely powerful emotions that this game inspires when there’s a huge stuffed toy bouncing along after the rest of the angsty cast members.
This is precisely the reason I love Cait Sith. Actually, I liked him from the beginning because I’m a huge sucker for cute things, but knowing that he also serves the purpose of annoying FFVII fanboys makes me happy in my blackened recapper’s soul. And this is also the last time I will refer to him as Cait Sith — from this point on, he is Jesus, the reason for which shall become apparent in a later recap.
Not only can Jesus read the future, but he has lots of other magical talents like finding missing people and things. You can almost see Bitch’s blocky sprite perk up at this information. “Then can you tell me where a man named Sephiroth is?” he practically squeals. Jesus’s mog does this obscene pelvic thrusting motion for a few moments before producing something that he hands to Bitch. I hope that’s a piece of paper. “…Ordinary luck. It will be an active fortune. Give into the good will of others, and something big’ll happen after summer,” Bitch reads in disappointment. From this, we learn that Jesus is not only a shitty fortune-telling machine, but he creates fortunes in Engrish. Neither of these things is unexpected. Although I would think that “something big’ll happen after summer” would not be entirely an entirely displeasing fortune to Bitch.
Jesus asks for another chance, and after thrusting his crotch into Bitch’s face several more times, the mog produces yet another lame fortune. You know, I can just feel the lightning bolts gathering above me as I write this. A third and final attempt produces the marginally more legitimate-sounding fortune: “What you pursue will be yours. But you will lose something dear.” Well, shit. That can only mean that Bitch will indeed end up in Sephiroth’s manly arms once again, but at the expense of something important like his wiener or his pointy hairdo. Why can’t he lose something he doesn’t give a crap about, like that stupid Cover materia or one of the girls?
Stunned by this result, Jesus decides that he just has to find out what will happen in Bitch’s gay soap opera of a life. This weak motivation is Jesus’s reason for joining the party. That’s the best the game designers could do? Of course, I can’t really think of a believable reason for an oversized stuffed toy to become part of any group. Well, okay, I just thought of one, but it’s really disturbing and I don’t want to think about it anymore. My God damn brain.
Yuffie is totally against this turn of events. “He’s weird! Bitch, don’t let him come!” she screams in terror and disgusting innuendo. Undaunted by this insult, Jesus informs them that as he is their lord and savior, they have no choice. He and Yuffie forcibly enter Bitch, causing him to squeal like a girl. With that brain-breaking cut scene finished, Bitch continues his exploration of the Gold Saucer.
The rest of the place is rather disappointing. Bitch’s lack of GP isn’t the only problem. Event Square, home of the theater, is dark and empty except for some random people making out on the stairs and in the seats. Bitch’s stomach clenches in a fit of extreme jealousy. Maybe if he can find Sephiroth, they can make up and then have some alone time in Event Square, after ditching the others of course. Jesus probably likes to watch.
MogMoobs. Moogs?
The less said about the Ghost Hotel, the better, so let’s just continue on to the — sigh — arcade at Wonder Square. Yes, I know I was already there. The arcade mainly consists of games that you would find in a real arcade — bike racing games, a claw machine, a basketball game, a snowboarding game, and so on. Coincidentally, these are all things that I suck at in real life, too. So just for kicks, I steer Bitch over to the one game I can’t possibly screw up. The console itself is a giant pink moogle with the game screen in its mouth. The name of this thrilling, epic adventure is “Mog House.” I figure I may as well earn some GP so maybe I can do something besides walk around and talk to boring NPCs.
Mog House may be the worst game ever invented. Yes, the moogles give it a certain cuteness factor which is a plus for me, but that can’t override the fact that the game’s goal is to get Mog the Moogle laid by feeding him just the right number of kupo nuts. Too many will instantly turn him into a fatass, preventing him from flying and ruining his chances to attract some hot lady moogle ass. Like I said, this is impossible to screw up.
Is he watching chocobo races or…doing something else?
Let’s move on to the next part of the plot. What? Mog House? Er, the, uh, it was broken. Yeah, someone vandalized it or something. Why don’t we go do something else? The plot sounds great right about now, doesn’t it? Yay, plot!
Something fishy is going on in Battle Square, as indicated by the ominous music. Sure enough, a random Shinra soldier at the bottom of the arena steps falls over dead just as Bitch, Yuffie, and Jesus approach. I hate it when that happens. Inside the arena is more of the same — dead Shinra soldiers everywhere. Examining one soldier’s bloodless injuries, Bitch determines that the guy died of gunshot wounds and therefore, Sephiroth could not be the perp. Seriously, he even says, “Sephiroth would never use a gun.” It’s not a phallic enough weapon for him?
A Gold Saucer worker slumped over a desk has not croaked yet and thus can offer some more conclusive evidence that Sephiroth didn’t commit these crimes. “Ugh…ugh…a man with a gun…on his arm……” he wheezes, coughing up blood. Bitch and Yuffie look at each other, all, “Oh shit” over this unfortunate news. Jesus, on the other hand, just stands there looking silly.
Before anyone even has the chance to provide a statement of the obvious about who might have done this, Dio and his thong show up with a couple of Shinra soldiers to arrest the group. Although Bitch tries to explain his way out of this with the truth, Jesus has a “better” idea — make like trees and get the fuck out of there. And then he bounces into the Battle Arena, a dead end. We might be able to excuse the stuffed toy for being a retard, but then Bitch and Yuffie freaking follow him in there. Idiots.
The most masculine battle arena ever.
The battle arena consists of a platform suspended over some sparkly purple liquid. Bitch doesn’t even have a chance to admire the color before a bunch of robots hop onto the platform, trapping the group. A strategically placed Black Screen saves the animators from any further work. We cut directly to a different room where one of the robots has Bitch in its metallic grip and is about to dump him down a hole at Dio’s command. The lid to the hole is just as pretentious as most of the other stuff in this game, with text that reads “Gateway to Heaven” circling its edge. Contrary to its label, the hole leads to a prison. I wonder if the Ironically-Named Prison Chute and the Wall of Graffiti and Hopelessness would hit it off if they met. Maybe they’d get married and spawn lots of Livejournal Icons of Tragedy and Depression.
This whole sequence lasts about fifteen seconds longer than necessary as Bitch tries fruitlessly to explain his side of the situation. But Dio still won’t listen — he doesn’t need actual evidence or a reason to suspect Bitch of this vicious crime. Dio would fit in well in a Phoenix Wright game. For more than one reason. Yet another Black Screen of Spend the Animation Budget on Crack leads us to a barren outdoor area with lots of dirt and random metallic junk lying around. Kind of like North Corel, but without the racist assholes.
Bitch reunites with Yuffie and Jesus, and they determine that none of them has died horribly and Jesus has no ripped seams or whatever. The Sine Wave of Desolation whistles along in the background while Jesus exposits about their current location, Corel Prison: “Yup, a natural prison in the middle of the desert…surrounded entirely by quicksand.” I can relate — that’s kind of how I feel when I’m recapping this game. Of course, no one’s ever escaped or been paroled from the prison except for one “special exception” on which Jesus does not elaborate. And just as obviously, we all know that Bitch and company will get out eventually, as dire as the game designers try to make this sound.
Now that we’re all feeling horribly trapped for at least the next half hour, the camera randomly pans down to show a familiar and possibly homicidal face. “Hey? Isn’t that guy, Mr. T?” Yuffie badly punctuates. I like how there’s some uncertainty in her question, like it’s possible to mistake someone else for Mr. T. Without missing a beat, Bitch runs down to meet Mr. T, who we now see is standing over the unconscious form of a random guy. “Did he really……” Bitch says to Mr. T. But Mr. T is on some sort of mission that only he can handle, so he tells Bitch to butt out. Not the same kind of “butt out” as when Bitch is with Sephiroth, just so you’re not confused. Without explaining more about this mysterious situation, Mr. T runs offscreen. We’re supposed to be all tense, wondering if Mr. T has gone off the deep end and started slaughtering people.
Cue the goofy stuffed toy. “Whew! That’s one of your friends? He sure looks dangerous…” Obviously Jesus says this because of Mr. T’s size and his massive weapon (the gun arm, I mean) — we know that Jesus is not a racist. Shaking in her boots, Yuffie tries to to act like they should leave Mr. T alone out of respect for his wishes. It would be funny if I could actually do that and let Mr. T finish up this whole brewing subplot on his own. It would be even funnier if Mr. T did turn into a raving homicidal loony and I got to play the whole rest of the game with a serial killer in my party.
Bitch kneels down next to the body and tells us that this guy, too, was shot to death. Then he does what any of us would do and chases after Mr. T. The next screen is more of the same, but with some broken down shacks and graffiti-ed signs. And a brightly-colored save point. Okay, you know how I said in the very first recap that I gave Bitch his nickname because he seems like he’d be rather popular among the other inmates in prison? In this scene, I am finally proven right, as this one persistent asswipe insists on chasing Bitch all over the prison yard. The graphical limitations prevent us from seeing the assgrabbing and rude pelvic gestures that probably accompany the chase. Getting caught forces Bitch into a battle with Bubba where he gets his shit stolen (and likely pounded) unless he defeats Bubba quickly. This is, of course, in addition to all the other random battles in the area, just in case you were thinking that I had the slightest chance of avoiding a fight by being quick enough. Even after Bitch successfully defeats Bubba in battle, the would-be rapist is still an inch off Bitch’s ass as soon as the battle screen disappears. I realize that his behavior is not all that different from Tita and Airhead.
No!!! Not my Eye drop!!!!!
At least Bubba is enough of a gentleman to hold off attacking Bitch while he’s talking to other NPCs around the area. One of these NPCs tells Bitch that he must talk to some guy named Mr. Coates. This Mr. Coates might be in the truck trailer the NPC is guarding, but Bitch would rather head into a nearby shack. The interior of the shack is exactly the same as the room from Mr. T’s flashback, except that the furniture and display cabinet are burnt. But the shack itself is still intact. If this is indeed the same building, then this means that Corel, after burning down, became a desert prison surrounded by quicksand. Does quicksand just spring up like that, or was it there all along? The latter case would seem to make more sense, except for the part where that would be an extremely shitty place to build a town. I’m also not sure why this burned-out shithole was deemed a great location to build the Gold Saucer, or why the Corel survivors moved closer to the evil Mako reactor to create the North Corel tent town. Or why Mr. T said the town was buried when it wasn’t. And so on.
Anyway, Mr. T has holed up in this shack, and throws a bit of a hissy over the fact that Bitch disobeyed his explicit instructions. He raises his gun arm as if to shoot the entire party dead (and don’t think I’m especially heartbroken at this prospect) and it’s Jesus of all people who tries to talk him out of it. The stuffed animal cares more than the people who have actually journeyed with Mr. T.
But it’s a fakeout! There was actually some guy hiding behind the couch doing…something that caused Mr. T to fill him full of hot lead. Mr. T repeats his line about not wanting the others to get involved, which cues the entrance of Tita, Airhead, and Gay Lion who also just happened to get thrown in prison at some point. “Hey, that’s Bitch’s line! ‘…It’s too dangerous, I can’t let you get involved…’ blah, blah, blah…” Airhead jokes. But when Bitch said it to her, he was trying to ditch her clingy stalker ass. Since Bitch is not trying to get into Mr. T’s pants incessantly, Mr. T probably had different motivations for saying that line.