Because I can’t really do this justice by paraphrasing, I’ll recap it verbatim: “…I’ll try, but don’t interrupt me while I’m explaining. Sephiroth went off searching for the Promised Land, so he could become the ruler of the planet… That was 5 years ago. Then Sephiroth came back and killed President Shinra. And then just now all of us saw Sephiroth. He was carrying Jenova with him. …This much I do know. He told me he wants to go to the Promised Land with his mother, Jenova. …I guess that’s about it.” Wow. Just…wow. I think Bitch wins the Captain Obvious crown for, like, every game ever for that worthless “explanation.”
We never find out if Mr. T is so dumb that he actually appreciates that synopsis or if he wants to punch Bitch in the face for not contributing anything whatsoever to our collective knowledge banks. Because at that moment, the intercom informs us that we’re about to dock in a place called Costa del Sol. I am heartened to find that there are Spanish speakers even in this game that takes place in a fantasy world. Chupa mi pene!
Mr. T decides it might be best to hide for now. No shit, Sherlock. Bitch manages to grab the Ifrit materia that Jenova magically and conveniently left behind, and follows the other two back through the door. But before he can leave the room, he must dramatically pause and look back at the last known location of his lover, sighing, “Sephiroth…is alive…” And suddenly the world explodes in a blinding flash of the obvious. He also blahs something about the Promised Land, but none of us care by this point.
We never find out how Bitch and the others manage to sneak past all the random and invisible Shinra soldiers lurking about, as the Black Screen of Lazy Game Designers brings us to an overhead view of the crappy ship model still puttering along the featureless blue expanse. The crappy ship model docks at a coastal town with two buildings on the map. Fancy.
Loading ...At the dock, a sexy island beat accompanies the group leaving the ship. Yeah, that’s pretty stealthy, you guys. Mr. T duhs that it’s hot in a place called “Coast of the Sun” but he’s happy as a clam to get out of that gay sailor suit. Sure he is. Even though he got fired from his leadership position in favor of Bitch, he still thinks he can order the group to “mingle like normal people.” Well, that’ll be tough since none of them were normal to begin with. Besides, I’m so sure that none of the Shinra officers or anyone will recognize this completely inconspicuous group of people.
Airhead expresses disappointment over the discarding of Mr. T’s sailor suit because he “looked so cute.” Mr. T gets pissed off, because he’s a big strong manly man and not “cute.” Tita very randomly suggests, “Mr. T, why don’t you use that sailor sut for pajamas?” Is she hitting on him? Bitch can either agree with her assessment or tell everyone to “keep [their] minds on Sephiroth.” Since Bitch is the jealous type and doesn’t want anyone else thinking about Sephiroth, he chooses the first option. “You look like a bear wearing a marshmallow,” he responds politely. Finally, Mr. T gets pissed enough to tell everyone to “shu’up!” I kind of feel the same way, because even though this comic relief stuff is a welcome break from all the pretentious lamery of the rest of the plot, these dumbasses are having this conversation right there on the dock. Next to the Shinra ship. Where ProtoSeifer, Heidegger, and a bunch of the Shinra army are.
At last they decide it might be a good idea to leave the dock, but not because that would make sense from a security standpoint. Nope, Gay Lion and Yuffie have dried out noses from the heat. Yes, that’s the most awesome reason ever.
I don’t think that’ll be a problem.
Speaking of retarded, Tita and Airhead both decide they should go swimming. This proclamation is followed by Airhead running up to Bitch and wanking, “Hmm? Bitch, are you thinking of anything in particular? Your cool exterior’s cracking…” As far as I can tell, this badly translated bit of dialogue is Airhead gloating over Bitch getting a hard-on at the prospect of the ladies in swimsuits. In actuality, he’s still thinking about Sephiroth.
The girls run off, leaving Bitch free to explore the town. This makes me so happy because I haven’t just spent a large amount of time exploring a town. But as soon as Bitch leaves the screen, the foreboding Shinra Theme starts up, hailing the entrance of yet another freaking helicopter. As it lands on the platform labeled “Helipad,” Heidegger and ProtoSeifer make their slow-ass way off the ship. Unfortunately for that poor sucker Heidegger, ProtoSeifer isn’t too happy that both Sephiroth and the entire Bitch entourage made it onto the ship. And of course, this is totally Heidegger’s fault, as usual, even though ProtoSeifer seems to know they were on the ship and didn’t do anything about it himself. It was sure nice of him to let them go, especially since he approved Heidegger’s earlier plan to eliminate them.
Either way, after a verbal reaming from ProtoSeifer, Heidegger throws a Heidegger Hissy at everyone on the dock — including all the random tourists in speedos — then just stands there and watches ProtoSeifer depart on the helicopter. You know he’s totally going to cry his eyes out later.
Back to Bitch and the others and their Happy Island Tunes. Their first stop is President Shinra’s vacation house, a paradise that makes Twink’s Cabana look like a shack. It’s not like a mansion or anything, but it has several nicely-furnished rooms and a basement full of items for the taking. Bitch isn’t too fond of the unfinished basement, since it kind of reminds him of when Sephiroth dumped him in the basement of the Shinra mansion, but the rest is quite a happy little love nest. Unfortunately, the whole thing costs an assraping 300,000 gil. This is slightly out of their price range at the moment, but Bitch swears he’ll be back. Oh yes, he will.
That’s no fun.
The rest of the town is pretty much your stereotypical island tourist trap. Interestingly, Bitch meets up with an old “friend” in the bar. It’s Mukki, his “daddy” from the Honey Bee Inn gangrape. Mukki loves Costa del Sol, because he can walk around “nearly naked” and no one cares. I wonder if they care about his habit of molesting younger men. I’m guessing probably not. Mukki talks to Bitch like he doesn’t even remember him, which makes Bitch feel cheap and used. Sighing, he contemplates drowning his sorrows at the bar, but he’ll never be able to buy his tropical love nest if he spends all his money on booze. Alas.
Bitch runs into a nearby house where he finds a redheaded dude who apparently recognizes him. “We were in SOLDIER and childhood friends before that. You were such a playboy,” Red comments. Everyone is hitting on Bitch lately. Or is he referring to Bitch’s torrid love affair with Sephiroth? But then Red finishes his glowing assessment of Bitch by calling him “a fucking murderer!!” Wait, what? Of course this genius can’t remember Bitch’s name, so Bitch can either fill him in quite indignantly, or ask who the hell this weirdo is. I obviously choose the latter.
He’s rewarded with a bunch of gibberish and no useful information whatsoever. Bitch leaves this obnoxious psycho and his beard in the bathtub and heads back out into sweet, sweet daylight. On the beach, Tita and Airhead have opted not to go swimming for some reason, so the fanboys all cry into their body pillows. Instead, they’re staring at a guy on a lounge chair surrounded by several beautiful blocky ladies. Apparently, the guy is Hojo, not that you can tell from the way his white lab-coated character model blends into the beach lounge. Or from the fact that sexy women want to hang around with his creepy ass. Tita wants Bitch to go over and talk to Hojo, because she’s too scaaaaaaaared or something. Women are so useless.
As usual, it takes a while for the conversation to get started, but eventually Hojo recognizes Bitch. “It’s been a long time, Bitch,” he tards. Seriously, that was what? Three hours ago? I’m sure with his great memory and time telling abilities, he’s the most awesome scientist ever. The whole group runs over now, the damn wusses. Bitch demands to know what Hojo is up to. “It should be obvious, I’m getting a tan,” Hojo shoots back. Bitch totally deserved that one. Also, Hojo might get a better tan if he changed out of his regular labcoat and into a swimsuit or something. Not that I want to see that. Great, I just grossed myself out.
In actuality, Hojo is sitting on his ass on the beach because he is also hunting Sephiroth. As for why he quit Shinra to do this, we don’t find out. But he does engage in a bizarre conversation with Bitch. I know, I know — not in this game. “I just remembered a certain hypothesis……..Haven’t you ever had the feeling something is calling you? Or that you had to visit some place? ……” Is he talking about the bar? Because yes. Also, I like his random string of ellipses after the question mark. Bitch responds that he’s going to follow Sephiroth to the ends of the earth! Because he has to kill him. Yeah, that’s it. Hojo the voyeur wants to watch this, so he invites Bitch to be his “guinea pig.” So from what Hojo is saying, some unseen force binds Bitch to Sephiroth. Like that. Also, that’s not a horrible cliché or anything.
Though Bitch’s blocky character model barely moves, Hojo thinks Bitch is about to draw his sword in anger and Gay Lion shrieks at Bitch to calm down. Yes, it’s very tense, the way no one’s moving or doing anything. Finally, Gay Lion passes out from the heat and the stressful situation. Crisis averted. Or something.
Since Hojo is still hung up on this Ancient business, he walks over to Airhead and asks if she’s the Ancient from earlier. God, this guy is on a roll. “I’m Airhead. The least you can do is remember my name,” Airhead bitches. But since she has a burning question for Hojo, she doesn’t pursue her pissiness any further. The question is about her mom, Ifalna. Hojo apparently doesn’t know that she kicked the bucket, which both surprises me and doesn’t since Shinra’s knowledge of Airhead and her family seems to be inconsistent at best.
Ew, ew, ew.
What Airhead wants to know is whether she has “the same blood” as Sephiroth and Jenova. In other words, are they Ancients as well? Since this is a straightforward question, it means that no one in this game will ever answer it. Instead, Hojo starts mumbling to himself like a crazy fucker — because he is. The only discernable words are “head west.” By his demeanor, Airhead deduces that he’s trying to hide information. Indeed, Hojo clams up like I wish the rest of the cast would. Their further attempts to elicit information are hopeless. But at least I know my next destination! That would be west, in case you have a little trouble following this intense plot. After the rest of the group leaves, Bitch gets some more detailed information from one of Hojo’s babes: “Head west, past Mt. Corel and keep going…….” Thanks, Bikini Babe!
With this essential information in mind, Bitch heads to the inn for a rest. It’s been a long day. And a boring one, if I may be so bold as to call a “daring” infiltration and a Jenova boss fight boring. Join me next time as I take on Mr. T’s Tragic Backstoryâ„¢ and hopefully make it out alive. See ya!