Tightass wonders why he even needed to hear the truth about Sin. “What about my feelings?” he whines. Dude, no one cares about your feelings. “Better than you finding out at a critical moment, becoming emotional,” Auron explains. “What? Me emotional?” Tightass practically sobs. “I heard you were quite the crybaby,” Auron replies, walking away. Wanker got burned.
The perfect moment of Tightass being insulted by Auron is marred by another explosive fit of Wankese. “Yeah, maybe when I was a kid. Maybe even a little now. Just a little.” Yeah, just a little. And then he tells Auron that he still doesn’t believe the whole “Sin is Jecht” thing. Oh, put a sock in it, you wanky bastard.
Softcore porn music has been inappropriately playing in the background throughout this recap. It’s supposed to sound sad because of all the people who got killed in the last hour, but instead, it seems like someone should be saying, “Yeah, you like that?” or “Give it to me, baby.”
Performing a complete change of subject, we return to Tightass wanking along the pathway behind the others. Instead of dirt, the path becomes a rather ornate stone bridge. Suddenly, the ground shakes as the camera pans over to a bunch of natural-looking stone columns. Tightass exclaims, “Whoa!” in a Keanu Reeves sort of way.
Master of the Obvious, Part 1.
A few steps away, the rest of the party is talking to Lucil and her two companions. Lucil tells Yuna she’s glad everyone in Yuna’s party isn’t dead. Yuna tells Lucil she’s glad that everyone in Lucil’s party isn’t dead. Unfortunately, the other Chocobo Knights and all but one chocobo weren’t so lucky. How fortunate that the three named people just happened to survive. The lesson we learn here, thanks to Lucil, is, “We turned our backs on the teachings and cast away our faith. This…this is our just reward.” Yes, because I’ve noticed just how much Sin distinguishes between the faithful and the faithless when it goes on its killing sprees. Wankers.
After that uplifting moment, the party continues onward to the temple. They reach the end of the path, and the only thing around (apart from an inn) is a giant rock with a door. “Is that the Djose Temple?” Tightass wonders wankily. No, it’s a fucking gas station. The ground rumbles again, and then the rock floats away in pieces, all held together by crackling lightning bolts. The temple is beneath the rock. It’s a cool effect, but for some reason the camera suddenly cuts to Tightass going, “Awesome!” No, you’re not.
The camera pans slowly up the temple again, and by this time, I’m sick of the whole effect and just want to get on with the story. Lulu obliges, putting on her well-used Exposition Hat. “The Lightning Mushroom Rock. It only opens when a summoner is addressing the fayth.” “That means another summoner’s already in there,” Rocket Scientist Wakka concludes. Tightass wonders if it’s Thonga. “We have to hurry,” Yuna says. Why? If she’s already in there, why would you want to see her?
The party proceeds toward the temple, but when I get control of Tightass again, I take the opportunity to explore the area. Our favorite named NPCs are all hanging around, full of exciting dialogue. Lucil is there, and once again, she’s whining about her participation in operation Mi’ihen. Oh, shut up, Lucil, and just go into the damn temple.
Something you should never have to hear Tightass saying.
Even more annoying is the whining Gatta hunched over by the temple entrance. Sure, he’s got a legitimate reason to whine, seeing as how he found his butt buddy Luzzu torn in half, but that doesn’t make him less irritating. I’m still bitter that I couldn’t manage to get Gatta killed instead. “That…idiot!” Wakka says because now he can’t beat the shit out of Luzzu. Well, I guess he could, but it would be rather messy at this point. Gatta whines some more about going back to Besaid, and then he thankfully shuts up.
Um…
Inside the temple, Tightass talks to Auron, who seems to be lost in his own little world. “So you’re a champion of Yevon now, Braska?” he says. Okay. The rest of the party is staring at the entrance to the trials as a man with the gayest ponytail ever emerges with his two companions. Gay Ponytail Man wants to know who Yuna is. When she tells him her name, he says, “As I thought.” Then why did you ask, dumbass? GPM says that Yuna looks like her dad. What? Her dad’s a bunch of freaking pyreflies at this point. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Yuna asks if GPM knew her father. At this point, Kimahri walks forward protectively. What the hell? “No, I have never met the man,” GPM explains. Then he says that his name is Isaaru, but he’ll still be Gay Ponytail Man, because that’s more descriptive. He’s a summoner, too. His tiny guardian is Pacce, an annoying little kid, and his other guardian is Maroda. Maroda makes sure to say that he is GPM’s brother, but they look different enough that I’m suspecting that they’re actually gay lovers. “Since I was a child, I’ve always looked up to Lord Braska,” GPM continues. The camera pans up to show us the majestic view of these little creatures jumping on the head of Lord Braska’s statue. GPM always wanted to be a high summoner like Braska, so he, well, became a summoner. He thinks Yuna must have her father’s talent, and that she’ll someday defeat Sin. “I…I’m not really…I’ve only just become a summoner,” Yuna puts herself down in the presence of a man, as usual. But then GPM gets all competitive and says that they should see who can defeat Sin first. How noble. Yuna accepts the challenge, and everyone gets on with their lives. GPM and his guardians leave.
As Tightass follows the others into the Cloister of Trials, GPM returns. “Hey, you,” he addresses Tightass, since he, like the others, doesn’t care what Tightass’s name is. It turns out that GPM’s gay lover…I mean “brother” has heard a rumor about summoners randomly disappearing. I guess the Magical Foreshadowing Wizard found a new job. “It could just be the fiends got them…but not so many so quickly,” GPM continues, as if getting eaten by fiends is no big deal. Since that little tidbit of information is all GPM and his “brothers” know, they turn around and leave once again after some annoying shit with Pacce.
No!
This time, Tightass actually enters the Cloister of Trials, and the fun begins. Of course you know I’m being sarcastic, because nothing involving Tightass could ever be fun, except for killing him painfully. This temple is, shockingly (no pun intended), full of lightning. I’ll give you one guess as to the power of the aeon that Yuna finds here.
Tightass quickly solves the puzzles, through the help of a mysterious object known only as the “Players Guide”. In the final room, as Yuna enters the Chamber of the Fayth, Thonga shows up. Oh, goody. She makes another rude crack (no pun intended) about Yuna’s abundance of guardians even though Yuna has already entered the Chamber and isn’t around to hear the insult. Meanwhile, Barthello walks over and stands really close to Auron, facing him. “What is it, Barthello? You know this riffraff?” Thonga says derisively. The camera does a slow pan up from Auron’s crotch. I might enjoy this, except for the fact that it is probably a Barthello POV shot, and that disturbs the hell out of me. “You are…Auron, no?” Barthello wonders. “What of it?” Auron replies kindly. “Can I shake your hand?” Barthello coquets, going into a muscleman pose. “Auron–no, Sir Auron. You’re the reason I became a guardian!” It looks like somebody has a crush on Auron, and I’m not talking about any of us recappers. Auron laughs and shakes Barthello’s hand, even though he probably suspects that Barthello wants to shake more than just his hand. This is obviously the greatest moment of Barthello’s life. Wakka takes this moment to burn Thonga. “Calling the personal guardian to Lord Braska riffraff?” Wait — personal guardian? Is that something a little bit more intimate than a regular guardian? Maybe I don’t want to know. Then again, maybe I do. Lulu continues the ragging on Thonga. “And you call yourself a summoner?”
I wish the world would look different to me right now.
The amusing moment is ruined as the screen flashes white and Tightass’s ass is right in front of the camera. Then it cuts back to Thonga and Barthello. You can’t really see what Barthello is doing, but Thonga yells, “Barthello, enough! Get back here!” Tightass says something stupid that’s supposed to be funny, and then the screen goes dark. Then I get control of Tightass again. Yay. Barthello swears he won’t ever wash his hand again. Thonga warns him, “Touch me with that hand and I’ll remove it!” Hey, it’s not like he touched Tightass.
Finally, Yuna staggers out of the Chamber and collapses as Kimahri catches her. “You owe much to your father,” Thonga bitches. “All these guardians…and Sir Auron, too? And I hear Maester Seymour’s quite taken with you.” Wait, that last part is supposed to be a good thing? Thonga snipes that Yuna wouldn’t be able to do anything on her own, which means that Thonga must have played other Final Fantasy games and noticed a pattern. Yuna argues with her, but Thonga doesn’t back down. In the background, Tightass is spazzing out and making some kind of motions with his hands. Not that he has anything to do with the scene, but he looked so stupid I had to point it out. Thonga walks into the Chamber of the Fayth, making sure her boobs are right in the camera. They are very fake. Thanks, game designers. The camera fades out to the ungodly Tightass snoring sound. Then I get to name Yuna’s new aeon. I stick with the default, Ixion.
Master of the Obvious, Part 2
The next morning, Tightass walks out of the inn and does his trademark grunting stretch, for which I’m oh-so-thankful. Tightass finds out from Kimahri that the other summoners have already left. It turns out that everyone is standing around, waiting for Yuna, who hasn’t woken up yet. For some reason, Tightass gets that honor, although you’d think someone might figure out that it’s a bad idea for anyone to see Tightass right when they wake up. Inside one of the rooms in the temple, Tightass talks to the nun (or whatever she’s called) watching over Yuna. “She was working until dawn,” the nun explains. “Healing the wounded, sending the fallen.” Yeah, but she’s 17; she can handle late nights, unlike some of us old people. Tightass decides to be nice and let her sleep, but at that moment, we get to hear Yuna’s version of the grunting stretch. She’s surprised to find out that it’s already morning, and suddenly goes into Super Apologetic Mode. Then she hurries to get ready, moaning and sobbing the whole time. Tightass goes back outside, followed by Yuna who, surprisingly, apologizes to everyone, particularly Sir Auron. She bows about a million times, not that she overdoes it or anything. It’s not like anyone was even mad. Get over yourself, Yuna.