After the nighty-night music, Tightass is back in the lobby of the inn. As he tries to leave, he suddenly grunts and jumps back. Some blond guy says, “Pardon me” in Al Bhed. I only know what he said because of my earlier cheat, which renders this ensuing conversation completely pointless. As if that’s new. Anyway, the blond guy is Rin, the owner of the place. Tightass probably feels all cool that he’s talking to the owner, kind of like how James Arnold Taylor feels cool for being the voice of Tightass, but is really not. “Nice to meet you,” Rin says in Al Bhed. “Huh?” Tightass wanks. “It means ‘nice to meet you’, dumbass, can’t you read the screen?” Rin replies. Tightass tries to repeat the Al Bhed phrase and mangles it, unsurprisingly. Is there ever a situation where he doesn’t make himself look as bad as possible? Oh, that’s right, there isn’t. I must have asked this question at least twenty times previously. Rin tells Tightass all about the wonderful world of Al Bhed primers, and warns him to be careful where he speaks Al Bhed. “Yeah, I hear Al Bhed aren’t liked much. Oh, sorry!” Tightass wanks. No, seriously, he actually says that. Just when you think he can’t get any dumber.
Suddenly a scream sounds from outside. The chocobos are in trouble! Could it be the monster we heard about earlier? Why, yes it could. But since Tightass is just standing there like an idiot, Auron has to show up to tell him, “That’s our cue. Let’s go.” “Huh?” Tightass replies. “I hate you,” Auron says before he leaves. Rin thanks Tightass for his help and gives him a couple of Mega-Potions. “Huuuh?” Tightass replies. “I hate you,” Rin says before he leaves.
Outside, the chocobos are running away from this huge ugly creature with two tongues that is standing on the roof of the inn. The sentences I type while I’m recapping these things… Anyway, the monster has a chocobo in one of its hands, but don’t worry! It gets loose when the monster jumps down to attack Tightass and the others. The monster drools, kind of like Tightass. The battle kind of sucks because the monster — now known to be the creatively-named “Chocobo Eater” — likes to push the party back toward the cliff. Nobody thinks to maybe, well, stand on the side of the monster opposite of the cliff, but whatever. I manage to not get pushed off the cliff, and I beat the Chocobo Eater’s ass, getting all the rewards that entails. Like a free chocobo ride. Yeehaw. I think I deserve an entire chocobo for that one.
The next leg of the journey involves renting a chocobo and traversing the Highroad, collecting all the goodies that can only be obtained with chocobos. There is almost nothing interesting to recap about this. Except for meeting up with Lucil, who is not on her chocobo. She asks why they are on the road, meaning the older part of the road that runs underneath the Highroad. “Oh, you know…” Tightass tries to lie (badly). Lucil informs them that the Highroad has been sealed off for the duration of the operation. Yes, the operation that we’ve been hearing much and yet not much about. Lucil tells them to ask the gate captain to let them through if they need to pass. Why do I have a feeling that’s not going to work?
Captain of the obvious.
After going down the path with a chocobo, I retread the entire path without one. I need levels and all that crap. At the start of one random battle (ah, the numerous random battles), I have Kimahri, Yuna, and Auron. Yuna says, “It is an honor, Sir Auron.” To which he replies, “Thanks.” The unspoken sentiment in there was that it’s more of an honor to fight alongside Sir Auron than alongside Sir Wanksalot.
That’s generally what happens when you make a huge ass out of yourself.
Shelinda is hanging out on the Highroad, and she’s upset because all the Crusaders are ignoring her. Now why would that be? The constant self-righteous religious shit? Nah, that couldn’t possibly bother anyone. All I have to say to Shelinda is “boo-fucking-hoo”.
That sounds like a really great job!
At the end of the Highroad is a bunch of cages and some Crusaders. The path is blocked, as Lucil explained earlier. Unfortunately, Dona (now nicknamed Thonga) is there with Barthello, and she isn’t allowed through either. “How many times do I have to tell you?” she bitches. “I’m a summoner!” It doesn’t matter; no one, not even a summoner, is allowed to pass. Well, shit. There goes Lucil’s suggestion. Tightass walks up to Thonga, who says, “Oh, it’s you,” in the same kind of disgusted voice I would use if I ever met Tightass in real life. I think I just made myself sicker. “As you can see, not even summoners can pass,” she explains even though we f’ing get it. “But they’ll call on us in the end. Just wait and see,” she continues. Well, duh, obviously the Crusaders aren’t going to defeat Sin because it’s still early in the game. Plus, the main female character is a summoner, so she’s going to have to play a big role in defeating Sin. Duh again. Then Thonga says that she’s going to take a nap. “Oh, Barthello?” she says seductively and the two run off together. Nap, my ass.
Which one’s uglier?
The third Chocobo Knight who previously had no name but is now named Clasko, says that Lucil and Elma are late. Okay, that was pointless. Luzzu and Gatta are toting their cart through the gateway. Wait, that sounds mildly dirty. We finally see what’s in the cart and it’s a sinspawn. It looks like a big red pillbug and it’s ugly. Randomly, Gatta turns back to Tightass and asks him to teach him how to blitz sometime. Luzzu says something a bit more pertinent to the plot: “Wait around. We’ll have Sin beaten in no time!” Um, no you won’t. And with that, the two of them and the disgusting bug head off down the road. I’m talking about the sinspawn, not Tightass.