Lulu says that Wakka will take care of the game while they save Yuna. Imagine that — having to save the lead female character. I am happy to report that we have made it approximately four and a half hours into the game — surely a record amount of time before encountering this particular plot point in a Final Fantasy game. Hooray!
The Al Bhed boat, and therefore Yuna, is at dock 4. It’s not as simple as walking there, however. Nope, the Al Bhed have all sorts of forbidden machina set up to attack them. Once again, Lulu is the most effective member of the party — machina are weak against lightning. Tightass feels inadequate once again.
I don’t want to know how or why Wakka had to practice that position.
After one of the battles, the action cuts to the game. Because it’s so suspenseful, these two very important situations happening simultaneously — saving Yuna from her kidnappers and…a blitzball game. Will the Aurochs win? Will they lose? Will this have any bearing on the plot whatsoever? The Aurochs aren’t sucking too horribly, since the score is tied. A group of Psyches start beating the shit out of Wakka, but the ref doesn’t call it. Too bad Tightass didn’t make it to the game.
Tightass and the others have taken a much-needed break from trying to save Yuna and are watching the game on a handy dandy nearby TV screen. I know that if I were in need of a rescue, I would want to make sure that my rescuers took an adequate number of TV breaks. Wakka is floating in the water, passed out or something. “He won’t last. Wakka’s always like that,” Lulu says, giving us yet another reason why she’d rather have Yuna as a lover.
TV break over, they move on. They find the Al Bhed ship pulling away from dock 4. If they hadn’t stopped to watch the game, they wouldn’t have almost missed it. They jump on board, although they “cleverly” cut away so we don’t see Lulu actually jump — just Tightass and Kimahri. Even the game designers couldn’t figure out how to make Lulu jump in that dress.
On the deck of the Al Bhed ship, the trio is faced with the most frightening thing ever — a giant machina that shoots…blitzballs. Even more frightening is the fact that Tightass sees a nearby crane and figures out, all by himself, that they can use it to fight Blitzilla. After Lulu powers it up with lightning, Tightass uses the crane, and it picks up the top half of the machina and throws it in the ocean. The battle is pretty much over. Note to Al Bhed: you might want to lock that crane next time.
After Blitzilla is defeated, the door on the ship magically opens and Yuna walks out. Lulu walks forward to Yuna and they press their chests together as Lulu strokes Yuna’s hair. “I hope you hurt them,” Lulu says. “A little,” Yuna replies. A little? A little?! Note to Yuna: Next time, summon. Tightass does something no straight man would ever do when Yuna and Lulu are practically making out right in front of him — he walks away.
Tightass looks around the ship, and Yuna asks him what he’s doing. He tells her about the Al Bhed that saved him and did all sorts of nice things for him (conveniently forgetting about how they also beat the shit out of him), and how they were attacked by Sin and he doesn’t know what’s happened to them. Yuna asks if someone named “Cid” was on the ship. So now we know who’s the Cid in this game. He’s Yuna’s uncle, and she reveals that her mom was an Al Bhed, too. This is a big, big revelation or something. Even Wakka doesn’t know that Yuna’s half Al Bhed, and Lulu tells Tightass not to say anything to Wakka, since he’s a bigot and hates the Al Bhed. I suspect a big happy turnaround before the end of the game. Just a suspicion. “Whoa! I gotta tell Wakka!” Tightass says stupidly. “You asshole. I told you not to tell him. Are you completely stupid?” Lulu asks, thrusting her boobs right into the camera. “The game!” Yuna reminds her. Lulu sends up fireworks, apparently the signal to let Wakka know that Yuna’s okay. Tightass jogs in place in the background for no reason whatsoever, making himself look even more like a giant wanker.
Cut to the game. Wakka sees the signal, then starts playing for real. I guess he’s okay now. Wakka gets a goal and the Aurochs have won the game, meaning that they’ve made it to the finals! Hooray! Too bad they’re going to lose the championship game.
Once again, the others are watching the game on the TV screen. Tightass and Yuna are all excited. Lulu has a different opinion, however. “Not the most…graceful win. If it was Chappu, he’d still be standing.” Ouch. I wonder what other situations cause Lulu to compare Wakka to his brother. “Hey, aren’t you being just a little unfair?” Tightass whines. “Excuse me?” Lulu inquires, her voice full of contempt. “I know I could never take Chappu’s place,” Tightass randomly says. “You’re the one who told Wakka that, right, Lulu? And I don’t think Wakka would ever try to take Chappu’s pl–” “You don’t want to finish that sentence,” Lulu says, ready to fry the crap out of Tightass with a well-placed fire spell.
Back in the locker room, Wakka is lying on his back and grunting rhythmically. The other Aurochs are worried that he won’t be able to play in the finals. Wakka tries to sit up, grabbing a nearby blitzball, but he falls back down in pain, grunting again, as he drops the blitzball. It rolls toward the door, where Tightass dramatically stops it with his foot. “Miss me?” he wanks.
Yuna apologizes for all the trouble she caused. Because it’s all her fault that someone wanted to kidnap her. It’s always the woman’s fault. And it’s the man’s job to keep her out of trouble. Wakka makes some bigoted remarks about the Al Bhed which is supposed to be all ironic and stuff because Yuna’s half Al Bhed.
Yuna and Kimahri run off, and Tightass goes back in the locker room with Lulu and the Aurochs. Wakka makes the big announcement to the team regarding his retirement after the finals. “Since we’re here, we might as well win,” Wakka says. Too bad they’re going to…well, you know. He also announces that he’s warming the bench, and Tightass is his replacement. Now that’s just sad.
After the team leaves, Wakka and Lulu are left alone in the locker room. They have a “moment” that involves Wakka stumbling into Lulu’s chest. How romantic. “You really gave it your all, didn’t you?” Lulu asks, her arms around him. I think most guys would give it their all if they were trying to get to Lulu’s chest.
There’s a stupid pregame huddle with Tightass being a stupid dork. Then we see a shot of the crowd, where there are a bunch of empty seats. As the announcers blab about “history in the making”, we see Auron walking up the stadium steps in slo-mo, looking quite cool and badass. He must have been hiding earlier when he heard about the wanker who was trying to hunt him down. But will his presence in the stadium be enough to counterbalance Tightass’s wankitude?
As if anyone would ever want to go at it with Tightass.
Speaking of wankitude, the action shifts to the game, where Tightass and the other Aurochs swim into the sphere as Crap! It’s the Evil Luca Butt-Designers! music plays in the background. Tightass and Buttson swim toward each other to shake hands or something, but Buttson jerks away from Tightass’s vile touch and tries to punch him in the face instead. Unfortunately, Tightass avoids the punch. Damn it!
Game time. I’m not going to recap much of this because it’s boring as hell. All you need to know is that the game is very unfairly tilted in the Butt-Designers’ favor. This is perfect, because I don’t have to try very hard to make Tightass lose. Thank you, game designers.
At halftime, the score is tied 0-0. Still, the announcers make the observation that the Butt-Designers are playing really well. Um…wouldn’t they be playing equally well if no one has scored? I guess it’s a sports thing. At this point, Wakka has recovered enough to give a halftime pep talk in the locker room. No, that’s not as dirty as it sounds. Tightass, though a star blitzball player, still needs Wakka to tell him to “shoot like crazy” during the game. Once again, not dirty. God, you people are gross.
The game gets a little easier to lose in the second half, because the Butt-Designers actually score. About three minutes into the game, the crowd starts chanting something. It turns out they’re chanting “Wakka”. Considering that the guy didn’t have too many fans prior to this moment, I can deduce one of two things — either he promised free weed to everyone after the game, or the crowd is so sick of seeing Tightass that they want Wakka back in the game. Tightass takes the hint. Trying not to cry like a little wanker, Tightass leaves the sphere, allowing Wakka to rejoin his teammates.
As Tightass watches Wakka return to the sphere pool, he can’t resist a little Wankese. “To be honest, I did kind of feel left out, but…It really was the Aurochs’ and Wakka’s show, after all.” Um, duh. Nice how he can be a big enough person to not feel too shitty about giving up his spot to the guy who’s been on the team for ten years and is also the captain. Way to go there, wanker.
The All Right! The Wanker is Gone and Wakka’s Back! music plays as Wakka returns. Not that this changes the outcome of the game. The Aurochs still lose. And it’s all Tightass’s fault for being a stupid wanker with the megaphone earlier.
Wakka, knowing there would be a closeup on his armpit in this particular shot, took special care to shave extra close today.
Wakka floats on his back in the water as Tightass swims toward him. This could potentially turn into the most disturbing scene ever. Thankfully, disaster strikes just in time! A bunch of evil piranha fish attack! The crowd screams! Luckily, Tightass just happened to bring his sword with him (and of course Wakka has his trusty blitzball). After the two of them fight off a bunch of the fish, the scene changes to Sir Auron in the stadium. Everyone in the crowd is running away like a bunch of pansies, but Auron just stands there with his humongous sword. He didn’t have that thing when we saw him earlier, and frankly, I don’t want to know where he was hiding it. He faces off against a big ugly lizard creature and dramatically thrusts his left arm out of his robe, revealing that even with his busy schedule, he still manages to find time to shave under his arms. Even guardians have to stay silky smooth while they’re fighting Sin.
And Auron followed Wakka’s lead.
Back in battle mode, Auron overkills the lizard thing in one hit. Oh, how I missed having a character in the party who actually knows how to use a sword. Tightass has just become even more obsolete. Speaking of Tightass, he and Wakka have already left the sphere and made it up into the stands. They call out to Auron. “So, you do know him,” Tightass says to Wakka. Well, duh. Why would Wakka know about Jecht, but not Auron? Hello! “Yeah. Best guardian there ever was,” Wakka replies. See, even Wakka knows that Auron is better than Tightass. Of course, that’s not rocket science, but Wakka is the one who keeps humping Mr. McWankerson.
Before Tightass can have his little reunion with Auron, a giant birdie attacks them. Once again, Auron is the one who kicks its ass. Just then, the three of them are surrounded by a bunch of monsters, but this time it’s Seymour to the rescue! With his pedophiliac powers, he summons this big ugly monster out of the ground using this gigantic hook that comes down from the sky. The big ugly monster is all chained up, but it uses its magical powers to destroy all the other monsters. After they are gone, the camera zooms in on Seymour, who is once again scanning the crowd to see if there are any scared children he can “comfort”. And on that disturbing note, we end the recap.
With Auron back in the group, this will surely counterbalance some of Tightass’s wankerness. Thank Yevon. True, the best solution would be to kill off Tightass, but Auron’s return is a good enough consolation prize.