Then there’s some pointless stuff with the Aurochs standing around talking to each other while Tightass yawns disgustingly. Just then, Yuna and Lulu walk in with some exciting news. “Someone said they saw Sir Auron in a café!” Yuna says. She wants to go find him.

Obviously we know that this is the same guy from the beginning of the game. First there was the big Jecht coincidence, where we learned that Tightass’s dad was in Spira, and we know that Auron knew Tightass’s dad, so it’s not like it’s a huge surprise that people in Spira know who Auron is. Besides, it would be quite lame if the guy showed up in the first five minutes of the game only to never be seen nor heard from again.

So long story short — it’s the same guy. We know it, dogs know it — hell, even Tightass knows it.

As Tightass leaves with Yuna and Lulu, Wakka objects. “The game starts like real soon! Come back quick, ya?” he tells Tightass. Hmm…blitzball or Auron, blitzball or Auron…such a tough choice. Surprisingly, Tightass makes the right decision. Holy crap, is somebody taping this?

I did not need to know that.

Unfortunately, something disturbing takes place. “Hey Wakka. You’re stiff, man,” Tightass says, walking over to him. “No, no, not your face,” he continues, removing any doubt as to what he’s talking about. Tightass tells him to just breathe and Wakka does a few slow pelvic thrusts and I curl up in a fetal position, clawing my eyes out and asking God why He has forsaken me. Lulu and Yuna watch the men that the script has chosen for them, and realize once again that becoming lesbian lovers is the best decision they’ve ever made.

Yuna tells Tightass that they might be able to find Jecht. Tightass is obviously confused at this. Yuna explains that Auron was her father’s guardian, too. So at last, one huge mystery has been solved — and we’re only five hours into the game. I’m guessing that the fact that Auron went to Zanarkand but Jecht never did would be a bad sign for Jecht’s fate, but whatever. Let’s just go to the damn café.

We’ve made it ten minutes without any Wankese, but our reprieve is at an end. “It didn’t even occur to me to think that the Auron Yuna was talking about…and the one that I knew from Zanarkand could be two different people.” Well, of course it wouldn’t occur to him, because he’s an idiot. “I don’t know why, but I knew it was the same guy. I knew it was the same Auron.” Duh.

For some reason, Lulu stays in the locker room with the team, while Tightass, Yuna, and Kimahri go looking for Auron. In the hallway, Tightass sees a couple of scary guys wearing leather codpieces over their pants and dark goggles. They speak in Al Bhed, which means that I get to make up what they’re saying. First, one of them says something about Yuna (they translate the word “summoner”), and the other one replies, “She’s with a wanker.” Tightass spots them and tries to engage them in conversation. Either they don’t speak “English”, or more likely, they’re pulling the same thing Rikku did earlier, and pretending they don’t speak it so that they don’t have to talk to Tightass.

Tightass tries asking about Rikku, and then a (dim) light bulb goes on over his head. “Uh…You don’t understand me, do you?” He then proceeds to do what every idiotic foreigner does when presented with someone who doesn’t speak his or her language — he speaks louder and slower. This actually makes me hate Tightass even more, if there is such a thing as more than infinity. He wanks about the upcoming game against the Al Bhed Psyches, and then walks off.

Translation: ‘I saw you make an ass out of yourself. I hope you lose.’

Tightass finds Yuna and Kimahri standing in a circular area near yet another reporter. Or maybe it’s the same reporter — Yevon forbid that Square actually make up new character designs. Yuna giggles and waves to Tightass, going against all common sense. As she walks over to Tightass, the camera guy films her, and people start whispering. “You’re really famous,” Tightass the Rocket Scientist says.

Yuna walks about two feet and then says she hopes they don’t get separated. Too late — Tightass is already way behind her. I think the point of this is to show that the crowd is so huge and it’s easy to get lost, but I think it says more about Tightass’s ineptitude as a guardian. Tightass sticks his fingers in his mouth and whistles. “What was that?” Yuna wonders, having never heard the mating call of a wanker before. He explains to her that in Zanarkand, they whistle like that to cheer during blitzball games. Yuna tries it, and pathetically fails. So we get one of those pseudo-sexual, cutesy bonding moments that seems insignificant, but turns out to be very significant later on, as Tightass teaches Yuna how to whistle. “Hey, use that if we get separated. Then, I’ll come running, okay?” Tightass says. I don’t sense any foreshadowing at all, nor any ripoff of Final Fantasy VIII.

I’m sure Tightass is more than used to getting dumped. Oh wait, that would imply that someone actually dated him.

After Tightass tells Yuna to stay close, we get to see Yuna’s character sprite following Tightass around. No hint of where Kimahri went off to. About five steps later, there’s another cutscene. Tightass is surprised that Luca is such a big town. Yuna says that Luca is the second biggest city in Spira. “I thought every town was little–you know, like Besaid and Kilika,” Tightass says. See, that’s what happens when you assume — you make an ass out of you and me. Well, mainly you, if “you” is Tightass. “Towns don’t usually get bigger than that,” Yuna explains sadly. Apparently Luca is special because it’s the big blitzball city and so the crusaders try especially hard to protect it. “Blitzball is really the only entertainment that we have,” Yuna says. What about music? Books? Theater? I can’t believe that this society is so stupid that they can only be entertained by one inane sport. Of course, there are people who actually like Tightass there, so maybe I can believe the stupidity.

Yuna asks if Zanarkand is like Luca. “Well, there are more buildings. All tall ones and cramped together.” Yuna oohs and aahs, sounding like a brain-dead bimbo. “They must be so tall! Don’t you ever get dizzy?” Give me a break. Tightass laughs at her. Yuna realizes how stupid she must sound if someone as wanky as Tightass is laughing at what she said, and immediately gets back to the matter at hand. “Let’s go find Sir Auron!”

They go to the café. “Auron’s not here,” Tightass sighs. He’s probably kind of glad because if Auron were around, Tightass would look like even more of a wanker by comparison. Yuna runs over to talk to the chick with her ass hanging out that we saw in Besaid. Hey, how did she get here so fast?

Meanwhile, some Ronsos are picking on Kimahri. They apparently know him from ten years ago. From their third person style of talking, we learn that their names are Biran and Yenke. However, since they sound like Hans and Franz from SNL, that is what I shall call them. They sound like they’re one second away from calling Kimahri a “girly Ronso”. One of them has a disturbingly contoured codpiece. If anyone ever wanted to know what a Ronso was packing, well, now they do. By comparison, it makes it look like David Bowie was trying to disguise his unit in the movie Labyrinth.

Kimahri says nothing, he just stands there as Hans and Franz pick on him. “Take ’em on!” Tightass says helpfully, even though Kimahri is smaller than either of them. I wish they would beat the shit out of Tightass. Kimahri has a momentary brain fart, as he takes Tightass’s advice and punches Franz in the face. Someone, I’m guessing the bartender, tells them to take it outside. Tightass realizes that the game is starting. Whoops! I guess when you’re a star blitzball player, you don’t have to do unimportant things like actually playing the game. Maester Mika is addressing the team captains, and blabbing some shit about blitzball. Seymour’s scary chest is in the background.

There’s a fancy FMV showing the blitzball stadium filling with water. I imagine that would take quite a while, even with that big stadium filler thingy. Thankfully they don’t show us the whole process. After the FMV, we see the Aurochs and the Al Bhed Psyches taking their places in the sphere, and the game begins. Can you feel the rush? Yeah, me neither.

It’s not a good day for Tightass. Not only is he missing the game, but he also just realized that Yuna has disappeared. Whoops! Kimahri steps away from his fight to help Tightass track her down. Oh Shit, Something Happened to Yuna music plays in the background. As if things weren’t bad enough, they meet up with a rather pissed-off Lulu outside the café. “Where in Spira have you been?” she demands, prompting a “Huh?” from Tightass. “Yuna’s been kidnapped by the Al Bhed Psyches,” she explains. Shit. That was quick, too. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes since she disappeared. “In exchange for her safe return, they want the Aurochs to lose.” It seems to me that that’s quite a risky plan. Wouldn’t there be some sort of rule in place that would disqualify a team who used such tactics? It’s not like they’re playing the Butt-Designers, either. It’s the freaking Besaid Aurochs, the team who has never won a game. It seems to me that the only thing they would need to do in order to win is to play the game.

Lulu plans to save Yuna. Tightass and Kimahri are going, too, bringing the party up to three. That’s handy. Tightass has the same idea I did earlier (which makes me want to kill myself): “They’re telling the Aurochs to throw the game, as if they needed to! I mean, how good a team can they be?” “Wakka said the same thing,” Lulu replies. So now I’m thinking along the same wavelength as Tightass and Wakka. Kill me. Kill me now.