Out of Context Theater Presents…

The scene returns to the present, and the Wankese mercifully stops. So does Tightass, as everyone continues on ahead. Yuna stops beside him. “Are…are you okay?” she wonders. “I…I don’t know,” Tightass whines. “What do you want to do?” asks Yuna, using pauses so awkward and overdone, it would put William Shatner to shame. “To scream real loud,” Tightass says. Yuna and the rest of us just laugh at him. The scene ends with Tightass screaming suddenly and everyone just staring at him like he’s a freak of nature (he is) a split second before the screen goes black.

It’s time to return to Kilika and board the boat to Luca. Wakka tells everyone to rest up because the matches start as soon as they arrive. Hurrah. Our favorite little map screen with the dotted line appears, showing us that we are headed to Luca. Thanks.

It’s suddenly nighttime on the boat. We see shots of everyone walking around the ship and doing various uninteresting things. Tightass is below deck with the Aurochs. Oh, and look at that, the Luca Butt-Designers are also in the same room. I can just feel the tension. So can the Aurochs, because most of them are bitching about having to be on the same boat as Buttson and his bitches. The most disgusting thing is that the two chicks on the Butt-Designers team totally want Tightass. One of them, Balgerda (aka Buttgerda), INVITES TIGHTASS TO “HAVE SOME FUN”. Excuse me….I’ll be…..*gag*…..right back……….

(10 minutes and one regurgitated meal later)

Okay, let’s move on. Please. Dona and Barthello are hanging out in the next room, and there’s good old Luzzu and Gatta still guarding their precious cargo. And look! There’s O’aka asking for more money! The whole gang is here, isn’t that sweet?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

On the main deck, the binoculars guy spots Tightass and runs away every time Tightass tries to talk to him. That poor traumatized man. At the front of the ship, some of the Butt-Designers are hitting on Yuna. Tightass runs over and wankily says “What are you guys talking about?” Buttson wants to know who the hell he is, and one of his butt buddies reminds him that Tightass is the guy who said that the Aurochs were going to win the tournament. “Oh, right. You’re that idiot,” Buttson says. I immediately fall in love with him. “Don’t call him that!” Yuna says, not the least bit forcefully. “But he is an idiot,” Buttson insists. Yeah, that’s right. You know what I like. I forcefully take back that “Ripping on Tightass” award from Kimahri and give it to my new man toy. Tightass is all “I’m so cool and we’re gonna win because I’m here” and Yuna is all “Yeah, he used to be the star player of the Zanarkand Abes!” and Buttson is all “This chick is a fucking nutcase”. Yuna further makes herself look crazy by insisting that there’s a big city in Zanarkand and not just a bunch of ruins. “I-I got too close to Sin and–” Tightass tries to salvage the situation and fails miserably. The damage is done, however. The Butt-Designers think Tightass and Yuna are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. They walk off, looking for less insane people to hang out with.

Yeah, that really sucked when Sin destroyed that village and we couldn’t practice blitzball.

Instead of continuing his conversation with Yuna, Tightass heads up to the upper level to eavesdrop on Wakka and Lulu. Fortunately they’re not getting down and dirty — although you just know they want to. Actually, they’re doing the opposite of having sex — they’re talking about Tightass. Lulu is ticked off at Wakka because he dragged Tightass along and now Yuna wants to make him a guardian. Yeah, I’d be ticked off, too. Lulu says that Yuna wants Tightass to be her guardian because he’s Jecht’s son, blah blah blah. Wakka says that Tightass and Yuna have to decide for themselves what to do, and Lulu responds, “You’re right, for once.” I love it.

The conversation continues. Lulu thinks that Wakka should ask Tightass to be Yuna’s guardian because Yuna can’t. The reason? Because, according to Lulu, Tightass hates his dad, so Yuna can’t exactly say “I want you to be my guardian, like your father was to mine”. Now, ignoring the implication of just what kind of guardian Jecht was to Braska, why can’t Yuna just say “Hey, do you want to be my guardian?” Why does she even have to bring Tightass’s dad into it at all? I’m confused. Wakka finally agrees to talk to Tightass about it after the tournament, and Lulu warns him to “be discreet”. Kind of a moot point considering that Tightass has been listening to the entire conversation.

There’s more. It’s very apparent that Yuna tells Lulu everything that Tightass says to her, including the fact that Tightass hates his dad (like that’s such a big secret). Wakka thinks it’s a luxury to hate your parents. Why? Because his parents are dead, and Lulu’s parents are dead, etc. Probably killed by Sin because who isn’t? Well, actually, I saw enough old people around to think that not everyone’s parents end up being killed by Sin, but just play along. Everyone’s dead because of Sin, so let’s all feel bad.

Tightass goes to the front of the boat where there just happens to be a blitzball. This triggers another flashback. We see a much younger Tightass (aka Mini-Wank) running up to a blitzball and trying to kick it, but instead missing and falling flat on his ass. Oddly, the Mysterious Disappearing Kid from the beginning of the game is standing in the background. Jecht walks up to Mini-Wank and starts taunting him. He demonstrates how that particular shot is done, and of course the blitzball flies around in a way that defies almost every law of physics. The move ends with Jecht twirling in mid-air (how manly) and slowing down just before he kicks the ball, which makes the whole twirling thing pointless. He tells Mini-Wank that he can’t do it. “But don’t worry, my boy. You’re not the only one. No one else can do it. I’m the best!” he says modestly. We have just witnessed the Jecht Shot. And the line that anyone who ever does a Jecht impersonation must memorize.

Because seeing Tightass get hit in the head with a blitzball never gets old.

The flashback ends and a little text box pops up that informs us that we are about to take “The Jecht Shot Challenge”. There’s some shit on there about how Tightass is haunted by that day and if he can shake off the bad memories, he can learn the Jecht Shot. It’s like a little mini-game but the results are funnier if you lose. I don’t try too terribly hard to hit all the button combos as Jecht’s scary voice belts out phrases like “You’re out of your league” and “I’m the best” and “Gahahahaha”. Tightass goes to finish the move by twirling up in the air, but oh no! He misses and the ball hits him in the head. He falls to the ground in humiliation and defeat, and the camera angles emphasize the patheticness of his failure. “Told you you couldn’t do it,” Jecht’s voice sneers. I laugh in glee. Tightass makes a whiny sound and kicks the ball into the sea. What a wanker. I failed to obtain the Jecht Shot in this sequence, obviously, but it was worth it for the humor value. Yuna is there to witness this entire performance.

Embarrassed, Tightass makes a stupid sound and does a backflip. He just needs to die. Yuna laughs. “You tried to do a Jecht Shot, right?” she asks. Tightass runs over to the railing and I fervently wish for him to jump in, but then I remember that he can’t drown. “Sir Jecht showed it to me when I was a child.” Wow, that really was a busy day — “Hi Yuna, I’m Jecht. Let me tell you all about Zanarkand. Oh, this is the Jecht Shot. Oops, your dad said it’s time to leave now. Bye!”

According to Jecht, the official name of the move is the “Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III.” Yuna is amused by this, but Tightass is all bitter and angry because his dad called it Mark III so that he could fool people into thinking there was a Mark I and II when there really wasn’t. THAT BASTARD! And then there’s a bit of fan service where the side of Yuna’s boob is directly in the camera. Yuna just laughs at Tightass some more.

Tightass wonders if Jecht is still alive. Yuna says, as if we hadn’t figured this out ten times already, that Jecht was her father’s guardian. Tightass is extremely bitter about the fact that his dad is famous in Spira, too. Yuna says, “If anything happened to him, I should think word would get around fast.” That’s really stupid reasoning, considering that it’s been ten years and no one seems to know what the fuck happened to him. But anyway, we all know that there will be some sort of resolution to this storyline. They’ve certainly beat us over the head with it enough.

Yuna wants to know what Tightass would do if he found Jecht. “I’d probably just smack him one,” Tightass says to the woman he’s interested in, surely impressing her with his tendency to use violence to solve his interpersonal relationship issues. “After everything he put Mom and me through. And because he was famous, I was always…” And the sad truth comes out. Tightass is just a jealous little wanker who more likely than not has size issues.

“Well, you should know, Yuna. Your father’s famous, too. Everyone in Spira knows him, right? Ain’t it tough?” Ain’t ain’t a word, wanker. We get the Yuna boob shot again, only this time it’s the other boob. They have to give both of them equal screen time, I guess. “It is hard to follow in his footsteps, as a summoner,” Yuna says. “But the honor of having a father like him surpasses all that, I think.” Tightass responds that there was nothing to honor about Jecht, and this pisses Yuna off a little. “You shouldn’t say that about your father!” she gently chides him. “I got the right!” Tightass wanks. And of course Yuna backs down to him. Damn it. Suddenly a blitzball hits Tightass in the side. Hooray! He and Yuna look up to see Wakka standing on the upper deck. He yells down that it’s past their bedtime. Wakka is just jealous because he wants time alone with Tightass. Yuck.

The scene ends here, but lucky me, there’s more Wankese. “I didn’t think my old man would come to Luca. He never did like watching other people play. But I couldn’t help feeling that something bad was gonna happen. And these feelings of mine are usually right.” SINCE WHEN? Suddenly McWankerson has psychic abilities. Whatever. “Sure, I had told Wakka I’d help him win the tournament. But I wasn’t sure I had it in me to play at all anymore.” Where the hell did that come from? Someone has definitely been pulling story details out of a very bad place.

More sleepy music (and that other horrible sound we will pretend we didn’t hear) and that’s my cue to end this. I can’t take any more of this blitzball shit. If something REALLY COOL doesn’t happen soon, say for a non-specific example, an awesome character rejoining…I mean joining the party or something like that, then I’m going to strangle myself with the damn controller cord. Don’t let me down, Square.