So Wakka’s all “Why are you here” and blond butt-design sidekick guy is all “To pray for competition” and gay butt-design redhead man is all “Why even bother playing since you’re going to lose” and his cronies are all “Yeah, we’re just going to stand here looking cool and badass and laugh at you” and I’m all “Just go in the fucking temple already!” Tightass chimes in with the ever-so-intelligent “This time, we play to win!” I’m sure these heavily ass-decorated men are so scared by the little bleached blond wanker boy. “Play away! Just remember, even kids can play, boys,” replies GBDRM. Oh, he totally wants to get down and dirty in the locker room with the whole team. “See you in the finals!” is Wakka’s parting shot.
A second later, everyone has forgotten about the incident as they walk into the temple. But not Tightass. Nope, he’s still wanking on about how they have to beat the Goers. Yuna stays behind with him so they can have a moment, even though she should be…I don’t know…getting her next aeon or something unimportant like that. “You know that team?” she asks. Tightass looks down. “Putting people down…They’re as bad as my old man!” he whines. “But, Sir Jecht was a kind and gentle man!” Yuna defends the guy she knew for all of a day back when she was seven years old. “Well, not my Jecht,” Tightass whines some more. I have to find some different words for “whine” but honestly, that’s all he does.
More Wankese. Oh please make it stop. “Even ten years after he left…just thinking about my old man got me angry. But maybe that was just my way of keeping him…Nah.” Really? Tightass is still angry with his dad? This must be the first time they’ve bothered to mention that.
Finally, after all that other shit, I get control of Tightass. The random people outside the temple are all commenting on the Butt-Designers blitzball team and we learn that the lead guy’s name is Bickson, or “Buttson” as he is now known.
When the numerous torches, balls of fire, and big glass-enclosed fire thing in the ground aren’t enough of a hint.
Tightass and the others finally enter the temple. There are a couple of side rooms, and the most important tidbit of information that we find out is from this random priest guy. “Those who disobey the precepts and enter unsanctioned may forfeit their lives.” You know what? I’m really pissed off now. Remember when Tightass went into the Cloister of Trials and he wasn’t supposed to? Did he forfeit his life? Um, no. Someone must answer for this.
Heh heh…would you like some candy, little girl?
Inside the temple proper, Tightass chooses, once again, to pray next to Wakka. They’re praying to Lord Ohalland, the blitzball guy, just as a very scantily clad woman emerges from the door above. “A summoner, are you?” she says contemptuously, and approaches Yuna. Yuna introduces herself politely, and the woman says her name is Dona. She’s very obviously a bitch. She immediately starts giving Yuna shit about being High Summoner Braska’s daughter, when her first concern should be putting on some pants. I realize that fanboys might like checking out the thong, but I don’t, and I’m the recapper. “All these people are your guardians? My, what a rabble!” Dona snarks. “As I recall, Lord Braska had only two guardians. Quality over quantity, my dear. Whatever were you thinking?” Now, I can see where she would get the idea of low-quality guardians after seeing Tightass, and mistaking him for a guardian, but the bitch needs to step off. Maybe the underwear riding up her buttcrack makes her crabby. Dona says she only needs one guardian, a musclehead named Barthello. Kimahri gets all in Barthello’s face, but Yuna steps in. “I only have as many guardians as there are people I can trust. I trust them all with my life. To have so many guardians is a joy, and an honor! Even more so than being my father’s daughter. Besides, this is a Final Fantasy game. If there were only three party members total, people would bitch. They already bitch that there are only three party members at a time during battle.” She then tells Dona to take a hike, although in the demure, soft-spoken, lead RPG female type of way.
The script says I have to smile at him…but it’s so difficult…gah…
I’m sure you all were thinking “Gee, I could use some more Wankese right now.” Well, you’re in luck, you sick, sad bastards. I’ll take “Things we already know” for 100, Alex. “A guardian is someone a summoner can rely on. Someone she can trust with her life. I wondered, did Yuna feel that way about me? What’s she smiling about?” The sad thing is, Yuna doesn’t look like she’s smiling. She’s standing there with an uncomfortable expression on her face that I can only compare to how Squall would look if he were about to have sex with a girl.
Let’s not.
Tightass follows everyone through the doors leading to the Cloister of Trials. Wakka steps onto a circular platform like the one in the last temple and says something about the fayth being below. I’m sure this is a “no shit, sherlock” moment for everyone in the party except for, you guessed it, Tightass, who asks what the heck a fayth is. “But first, the Cloister of Trials,” Lulu says, ignoring him. “Kimahri? Wakka? Ready?” Everyone walks onto the platform, and Kimahri roughly pushes Tightass off of it. Kimahri gets this recap’s “Ripping on Tightass” award, even without having any speaking lines. Tightass is so stupid, he needs them to explain, AGAIN, that he’s not a guardian yet, and thus, not allowed in the Cloister of Trials. You’d think he’d remember, particularly after the last fiasco, but no. He’s actually kind of ticked off because he thinks he’ll be waiting for them for the next day. Now that would be fucking funny.
GAH!
For some strange reason, even though Dona left the temple before, she shows up again with Barthello. She wants to know where Yuna is and why Tightass isn’t with them. When she finds out he’s not a guardian, she gets a diabolical idea in her bitchy little mind. Barthello picks Tightass up and, amid Tightass’s wanky screams and cries, throws him onto the platform that takes him into the Cloister of Trials. “What’s the big idea?” Tightass says in the whiniest voice ever. “Just a little game,” Dona assures him, her ass directly toward the camera and leaving nothing to the imagination. Ew. Now if Dona just got the idea for this “little game”, then what was her first reason for wanting to come back and find Yuna? It doesn’t make much sense, they never tell us, and I’m confused.
“This is bad, really bad,” Tightass wanks as the platform descends into the Cloister of Trials. Perhaps this is another chance for Tightass to forfeit his life, just like the priest said earlier. Why do I have the feeling that I’m going to be disappointed once again?
That’s right — you’re a wanker.
So Tightass ends up going through the Cloister of Trials with all its fun, fun sphere puzzles. I like these because I can be lazy and not recap them…crap, I just announced my plans. I’m also posting on the message board as I’m waiting for this part to finish on the tape. Multitasking.
Okay, I’m back. As Tightass meets up with the others just outside the Chamber of the Fayth, we hear a lovely tenor voice singing the hymn in the background. As soon as Wakka spots Tightass, he gets pissed off. Tightass explains that it was Dona’s fault, and Lulu informs him that Yuna will be the one to pay the consequences. “She could be excommunicated,” Wakka says. Wait a minute, what about the whole “forfeiting the life” of the person who entered without permission? I KNEW IT!! Those bastards at Square got my hopes up again and then dashed them to pieces. Damn them all.
Tightass asks what’s inside the chamber, and here’s where we get the explanation of what a fayth is. Since it’s borderline creepy, Lulu gets to explain it in her dark and scary ghost-story voice, just like when she explained what a sending was back in Kilika. “The fayth are people who gave their lives to battle Sin. Yevon took their souls, willingly given from their still-living bodies.” “Huh?” Tightass shocks us all by saying. “Now they live forever, trapped in statues. But when a summoner beckons, the souls of the fayth emerge once again. That’s what we call an aeon.”
Tightass wants to know what Yuna is doing. “She prays with all her heart for a way to defeat Sin,” Wakka replies. And she’s taking a few extra moments to enjoy her time away from Tightass. Even hanging out with a dead person in some rock would be better than dealing with him. Tightass also finds out the hard way, after being pushed back by Kimahri, that no one but a summoner is allowed inside the chamber. And even if they were, I’d hope that Kimahri would push Tightass back anyway.
I’ve never noticed how beautiful you were, Lulu…
Soon, Yuna emerges from the chamber, looking tired, but they left off the shampoo-commercial-esque FMV this time. Oh well.
How many things are wrong with this picture?
Cripes. “There was something I didn’t tell anyone else that day.” And we all wish that he’d continue to keep it to himself and not tell us. “That song we heard there, in the temple…I knew it from my childhood. It was proof that Spira and Zanarkand were connected somehow. At least to me it was.” Once again — DUH. How much more proof does he fucking need? “Maybe that’s why, suddenly, I felt like…I just wanted to go home.” You mean he…wants to go home? Well, how could you keep that little tidbit of information from us for so long, game designers? “I tried to say something, to tell them. But the words wouldn’t come. So I decided to annoy the shit out of all of you by speaking Wankese.”
So now Yuna has a new aeon, Ifrit, and we’re all happy. A group of people crowds around Yuna as she exits the temple. Suddenly, Tightass has a wanky flashback to his group of fans in Zanarkand. Yup, there he is spazzing out and shit, with a big crowd around him, all the while Wankesing about how he still has feelings for Zanarkand and he’s so homesick he could burst or something like that. Yes, WE GET IT. But it is kind of sad that the only thing he misses is his groupies making a big deal over him.