And boy, do we ever. I think if there were such a thing as video game awards where they nominated for things such as “Most pointless and irritating boss battle,” this part would be a shoo-in. Now, I realize that I hand out the insult “pointless” like candy. But hear me out.
First of all, this is the part that Yuna warned us about earlier — summoning aeons for Yu Yevon to possess. So right there, it has the distinct stench of “Why the fuck are we doing this?” about it. I mean, why does she just not summon the aeons? He can’t possess them if they’re not summoned, right? Second, the entire party is automatically imbued with Auto-Life through the entire sequence — this means that I can’t die, no matter what. There is no way to lose this battle — it is a complete formality.

Now, this wouldn’t be so bad if, say, it was like the end of Final Fantasy VII where (SPOILER!!!!!) Bitch opens up a can of whup-ass on Sephiroth that is over in, like, thirty seconds. But no. I get a list of all the aeons — meaning that the game designers now get to laugh at me for getting the three optional ones — and Yuna summons each of them in turn. Every time, we see the complete summon animation, but only after a drawn-out sequence of fancy effects involving the glowy clouds. Then, a text box informs us that the aeons have been possessed by Yu Yevon. I’m not sure why they bothered with that, as this is followed by yet another tedious sequence where Yu Yevon arrives in his veil of red, white, and black smoke and plunges into the aeon (or in the case of the Magus Sisters, whom I fight first, he divides up into three parts and proceeds to do the plunging). The aeons slowly transform into a darker and more sinister-looking version of themselves. Then and only then do I actually get to fight them.

Most of the aeons go down in only one hit, which just barely saves me from going fucking nuts and throwing my Playstation 2 out the window. However, some of the aeons are really damn hard to hit, and they manage to kill my characters (who are then immediately revived, but it’s still irritating) before I finally attempt to hit them with Holy. Hey, I’m trying to cut down on the animation here. Further thwarting my attempts are the dickhole Yu Coprolites who just won’t go away. After each battle, Yu Yevon, as predicted, leaves the body of the fallen aeon, and I’m forced to watch a wanksty Yuna fight off tears because she has to kill her aeon friends whom she loves so very much. Lather, rinse, and repeat. Seven more fucking times. The only silver lining here is that I get to kill Hojimbo again — this time for good.

Thirteen minutes of irritation later, the battle is over. So now I’m supposed to feel sad and affected that the aeons are now no more, but instead, I’m harboring a big ball of burning anger in my soul. I think it’s safe to say that the game designers did not succeed at their intended reaction here. Unless that was their intention, which wouldn’t surprise me all that much.

Without any potential hosts left, Yu Yevon is all, “Oh shit.” He approaches the party, and I wait for him to morph into his undoubtedly terrifying final form. After all, since he’s the final boss and everything, he should be at least as intimidating as Jecht, right? As the magical clouds and smoke melt away from Yu Yevon, everyone braces themselves to see just what they’ll be fighting next. The tension is almost palpable. Here it comes, folks.

He’s a tick.

That’s right. Yu Yevon, summoner of Sin, destroyer of Spira, is a fucking bug. Granted, if I saw a tick that was the size of a golden retriever, I’d probably run away screaming, but still. A tick. A TICK. A glowing Yevon symbol appears on Yu Yevon the Tick to make him extra scary or something.

A tick.

The camera pans over the party as they stand there with blank expressions on their faces. Tightass scratches his head in confusion, and for once I can’t really blame him. He judges the moment as not all that urgent, given that Yu Yevon is a TICK, and figures that this is a good time to inform the others of the Truth. “Everyone! This is the last time we fight together, okay?” This time, it’s Wakka’s turn to pull a Tightass: “Huh?” Tightass walks up so that he’s face-to-face with Yuna (thankfully not sticking his tongue down her throat THIS TIME), and continues. “What I’m trying to say is…after we beat Yu Yevon, I’ll disappear!”

Suddenly, fireworks shoot into the air as cheers ring out. Confetti flies, an upbeat band begins playing, and people dance to a laser light show. Okay, so that’s just the scene that’s going on in my head, but go with it. Lulu’s characterization continues to go down the toilet as she worriedly demands to know just what the hell’s going on. Yuna and Tightass have a staring contest, and we get the most terrifying close-up on Yuna’s Wanksty Face for several moments, followed by Tightass’s Determined and Grim expression. Meanwhile, I’m still in my happy place with the celebrations and the cake. Tightass walks away from the group, toward Yu Yevon. Another brief flash of Yuna in case we didn’t get that SHE’S SAD, but Tightass thankfully ignores her. Even though I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the whining and the goodbyes just yet, I have to say that Tightass is being a real jerk about this. He lied to Yuna all this time, even after throwing the world’s biggest hissyfit about everyone lying to him about Yuna’s fate. I can’t see the maturity or the leadership here. Anyway, Tightass whips out his sword, yelling, “I’m saying goodbye!” Rikku whines, “Not now!” shoving her underage boobs in the camera to the delight of fanboys everywhere.

“I know it’s selfish,” Tightass begins in the same tone that someone would say “No offense, but…” or “I’m not a homophobe, but…” Then he finishes with something that will shock you all, I’m sure: “But this is my story!” His retarded gelfing face is pressed right into the camera as he says this. Only Square could make the moments leading up to Tightass’s death unpleasant for me. The camera zooms out suddenly and dramatically, and then awkwardly morphs into the battle scene.

So the party fights the tick, who looks even less impressive sandwiched between the giant Yu Coprolites. Again, the party has automatic Auto-Life, making this final battle about as tense as getting a massage while sitting in a hot tub listening to Enya and taking Valium. After every hit, Yu Yevon the Tick casts Curaga on himself for 9999. Other than that, his only attack appears to be Gravija, which hits the party for a miniscule amount of damage and himself for 9999 damage. Inflicting Lyme Disease on the party would have been more effective. And more appropriate, given that Yu Yevon is A TICK. The first time I played this game, I let Yu Yevon whittle himself down while my invincible party just stood there looking cool. This time, I cast Reflect on the tick and pound away at him. Note to anyone who wants to try this method: Holy is Reflectable. Not that I learned that the hard way or anything.

With a few hits from Auron, whose loss of HP made him more powerful, the tick is no more. After an extremely overdone death scene that takes as long as the entire battle, involving as many drug-induced effects that came with the graphics software as possible, I sort of feel like I actually accomplished something. Don’t worry, I’m not really falling for the trick. The first time I played this, I was expecting Yu Yevon to morph into his final form, complete with wings and difficulty, but nope, this is the end. After two plus years of recapping, I have beaten the game. Victory! Now, say what you will about the great feeling of defeating a final boss you really hate — I don’t think that can beat the feeling of defeating a final boss, however lame, that will make Tightass go away.

Now for the half-hour ending scene. It’s nighttime in Besaid, and the residents of the island, including the Aurochs, all stare up at the sky as crickets chirp in the background. That last detail is so that we know it’s night. Thanks, game designers. Suddenly, Tightass’s Theme starts up as everyone oohs and aahs and the Aurochs start gaily clapping their hands in unison and punching the air. The camera pans around Gatta for an unnecessarily long time. This is accompanied by a retarded chocobo leaping and squawking in the background. The camera continues to examine each islander in detail, including Lucil and Elma, who randomly stopped in for a visit. Or the game designers wanted to show all the “important” NPCs without bothering to show a lot of different places.

My guess is confirmed as the camera continues toward the temple, showing Exposition!Man and the priest from the beginning of the game. It doesn’t stop there. It continues inside, thankfully skipping through the corridors and going straight to a shot of the Valefor statue in the glowy dome. The camera ever-so-slowly pans across the statue as it (the statue, not the camera, unfortunately) turns to stone. The same thing happens to the Shiva and Bahamut statues in their respective temples. And because the game designers think we actually care about the Bahamut Fayth, we see him hovering over the statue just before he disappears.

With that riveting sequence, we’re back to the platform inside Sin, surrounded by the buildings of Zanarkand. The camera goes into drunken ADD mode while filming Yuna doing the sending dance. Sending…who? The aeons? Jecht? Yu Yevon? My ass? Regardless of her intentions, as she turns back toward the group, she stops in surprise. Auron, standing in the center of the group, starts dissolving into pyreflies. “Don’t stop,” Auron tells Yuna, and I save that phrase as a wave file to program into my custom Auron RealDoll for no reason whatsoever. Yuna balks long enough for the sound guy to start piping in the Auron Porno Theme. Auron reassures her that he’s ready to leave this wretched band of wankers now that both his butt buddies are on the Farplane.

We see the next part through Auron’s eyes as he approaches Yuna at the center of the platform. This part is truly heartbreaking, and not because the best character is about to leave me alone with these assholes. First, he checks out Wakka’s crotch, followed by his chest. Then, he focuses on Kimahri, which is a lot less disturbing. The camera switches away from Auron’s viewpoint so that we can see Auron thump Kimahri’s chest with his fist. Well, okay. Back to Auron!Vision. He takes the opportunity to scope out Lulu’s chest. Wouldn’t you? He briefly looks at Rikku, not focusing on any inappropriate body parts. The game designers then whip out the Hate Gift they’ve been saving up for me. Auron looks straight at Tightass’s crotch and then slowly moves his eyes up to the wanker’s face.

My bitter tears of hatred and sickness manage to blur out the close-up shot of Tightass’s face. Then we snap out of Auron!Vision for the sake of my sanity and my stomach contents. Auron stops next to Tightass, this time not staring into his face, and mutters, “It’s been long enough.” I can only take this to mean, “Thank all that is holy that I don’t have to deal with your wank ever again,” crotch shot or no. He continues toward Yuna, who is very clearly standing in the center of the circle as far as I can tell (I rewind several times to check). As soon as he gets there, however, she’s a lot closer to the party. Since the camera showed Auron from as many dizzying angles as possible during his slow walk, it’s seriously unlikely that she would have been able to scurry out of the way unnoticed, but who needs sense when we have camera drama?

Auron pulls out the Masamune and swings it up on his shoulder, to increase the Coolness Quotient that was lost during the crotch checks. The camera focuses on Auron’s face so he can give us his last words: “This is your world now. Try not to fuck it up, for God’s sake. Oh, and find a sarcastic replacement for me for the sequel.” The scene fades to white and when it fades back in, Auron’s pyreflies float up to the heavens. Or the fake heavens inside the giant dead sea monster. And he brought the Masamune with him to the Farplane. Sure, that makes sense. Fade to black.

Well, that was fucking depressing. At least he’s in a better place where he can get all the ghostly buttsex he wants, though. The saddest part is that the game designers figured that the “death” scene of the coolest character didn’t even warrant a special FMV. Nope, they went straight to FMV after that scene. Asshats. Unlike the ending of Final Fantasy VI (spoiler!), we skip the long, drawn-out sequence of escaping the “dungeon” and go straight to the airship where Yuna dances her ass off on the deck. This is where it becomes more confusing.