As Tightass approaches his dad, the Strings of Tragedy start playing “Tearjerker in A Minor.” Auron steps forward meaningfully as the camera lingers on him for an inordinate amount of time. Not that I’m complaining. The camera switches to a heavily-breathing Tightass. Now I’m complaining. It only stays on him a moment before it zooms in on Jecht, who stands with his back toward the party. “You’re late, Auron,” are his first words. Oh, cut the poor dead guy some slack — I’m sure he’d rather be scoping out your well-muscled ass than dealing with your wanker son. “I know,” Auron responds simply.

At this, Jecht turns around to see the fruit of his loins. This is the first time they’ve seen each other in ten years, where one of them hasn’t been in the form of a giant sea monster, so it’s all significant and shit. Jecht greets Von Wankerson with, “Hey.” “Hi,” Tightass replies, sounding like he’s going to burst into tears. The camera pans over the platform from a distance, as Jecht says, “Hah! You got tall, but you’re all bones!” Ew. I’m glad the camera is far away so I can’t see his facial expression as he says that line. He asks Tightass if he’s “eating right” as the camera focuses on Tightass’s lower face and upper chest. Rikku, in the background, looks over at him like she’s expecting him to throw a hissy. Remember how I just said that I was glad the camera was far away? Well, this time, it focuses right in on Jecht as he says in a low, sultry voice, “You’ve really grown.” And he’s not talking to Auron. Ew ew.

But it’s not over. Tightass, looking at the ground, responds, “Yeah, but you’re still bigger.” You know, as much as I just love this completely wrong father/son penis talk, I’d really appreciate getting on with the scene. Jecht reminds us all of the giant wang we saw earlier as he points out, “Well, I am Sin, you know.” “That’s not funny,” Tightass whines. I thought that was pretty good, all images of Sin’s genitalia aside. Jecht and Tightass stand looking at each other for a while, to underscore that this is Really Meaningful. Finally, Jecht tries to say something, but stammers all over the place. “Let’s end this,” he says finally. Yes, let’s.

The camera composes another artsy shot of Tightass and Jecht. “Dad?” Tightass says. “I hate you,” he finishes with a sob. I’m sure Yuna is so impressed by this childish shit. Sadly, she probably is. The camera does this great close-up of Tightass’s contorted, constipated face. Thanks so much, game designers. Jecht just laughs this comment off, completely unconcerned with the petty hatred of a wanker. “You know what you have to do,” Jecht reminds him. The camera zooms sloooooowly in on Tightass as he eventually agrees. God, please let them be talking about the inevitable battle. Jecht tells them that he’s beginning to have trouble hearing the hymn, as he is almost transformed totally into Sin. Well, isn’t that convenient that they got there just in the nick of time even after gallivanting about Spira for several hours? “I’m glad you’re here now,” Jecht says, probably the first time anyone has ever said something like that to Tightass (I’m still blocking out the Yuna sphere and the makeout scene).

Jecht goes on to inform the group that when they fight him, he won’t go easy on them because he won’t be himself. As the camera pans around him, we see the big Zanarkand Abes symbol behind him, also mentioned in the first recap. Only it’s not in flames. When he apologizes for not being able to control his actions, Tightass freaks out and tells him to get on with it. See, we’re supposed to get that Tightass doesn’t really hate his dad. But that doesn’t mean that he’s not being a total whiny jerk about it.

Jecht agrees, and walks away from the group, back toward the center of the platform. “Well, then. Let’s go!” he grunts, as the camera zooms in really fast in order to demonstrate that some serious shit is about to go down. Jecht calls up a sparkly light, which causes the group to get into position. With the light centered in his chest, he slowly backs up to the edge of the platform — which of course has the aforementioned swirling flames underneath it — and launches himself over the edge. As he does this, Tightass runs forward, screeching, but it’s too late. Well maybe he should have thought of that before acting like a complete dickhole. Jecht falls backward into the abyss, as little sparkly lights swirl out from the main light. The screen goes white.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m totally in suspense. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?! Of course the game designers just can’t resist drawing this scene out. The ground begins rumbling, causing all of the party members — including Auron — to make surprised grunts. What, did they expect a little fluttering fairy or something? Of course it’s going to be something huge and menacing. The camera pans over the entire area as a whole bunch of buildings light up. It’s Zanarkand! Wait, so Tightass’s Zanarkand is inside Sin? Then how did Sin show up in the fake Zanarkand? Or is this another hologram? Do the game designers even know the answer to this? No? Well, let’s move on then. We get an overhead view of the expansive city to make us go “Whooooooa.” More rumbling, and then a gigantic flaming hand reaches over the edge of the platform. Suddenly, the heavy metal song, “Otherworld,” from the beginning of the game starts up as we get our first glimpse of Aeon!Jecht.

First off, he’s enormous, like we all predicted. He kind of looks like Jecht had a love child with a behemoth, and it got most of its genes from the behemoth. He’s dark with white hair, horns, and a bristly back, but thank Yevon he’s still got the chest tattoo and the red headband. God, I would be pissed if I turned into a giant aeon but didn’t get to keep my freaking hair accessories. Eventually, the fire enveloping Jecht goes out as Tightass points his limp water sword at his dad and shrieks, “I promise this will be quick!” That’s what he said to Yuna. “Hit me with all you got, dad!” he wanks. Jecht brings one huge hand down and crushes Tightass flat.

Or at least that’s what would happen if this game made any sense and the game designers didn’t enjoy making my life a living hell. Actually, the Final Boss Battle #1 begins. Along with Jumbo!Jecht, there are two floating rock thingies called Yu Pagodas, which look more like fossilized dinosaur shit (coprolites would be the proper term, for you vocabulary nuts out there) than pagodas. They do annoying shit like heal J!J. Apart from them hovering there and being little jerks, the battle is fairly straightforward for once. Only one part makes me blink in confusion, and that’s where I can have Tightass use a Trigger Command to say something inane. Against all common sense and reason, this calms J!J and lowers his overdrive gauge slightly. Whatever. Dealing with the overdrive would be better than dealing with Tightass wanking, so I’m not quite sure what I was thinking by keeping him in battle.

Irritating whines tend to affect people and monsters alike.

When Yuna has whittled down J!J’s HP with Holy enough times, he dies and the game is over. Hooray! Oh please. Of course he morphs into his next form. This is a Final Fantasy game after all. Since Jecht can’t get any bigger or scarier, his only option is to pull out the other Final Boss cliché — wings. Growing wings is so one hour ago, Jecht. The giant Zanarkand Abes logo behind him bursts into flames, making it consistent with the one we saw in part 1, as if this bit of continuity has any point whatsoever. Then Winged!Jumbo!Jecht goes all Utena/Rose Bride on us as he pulls an oversized sword out of his chest. The fact that he pulled it out of his own chest makes it not a rip-off, you see. Even Auron feels inadequate in the presence of the giant Jecht sword, which, incidentally, is the most penis-shaped sword I’ve ever seen. Good God, it even has a head.

Yuna takes this opportunity to call up the Magus Sisters. And that’s all she wrote. Seriously, once I get the sisters to stop doing pointless shit like sitting there or casting Reflect and Auto-Life, it only takes one overdrive and four attacks to kill him. God damn. Seymour was more difficult than Braska’s Final Freaking Aeon. That makes me depressed.

The music fades out so that we can properly appreciate the dramatic death scene. First, J!J sticks the sword firmly into the rock of the platform. Then he falls facedown on the platform as a tiny little thing shoots out of him and up into the air (WHAT COULD IT BE?!?!?!). A generic explosion signals the disappearance of the enormous aeon. Cripes, after the obnoxious death scenes of every minor boss in the game, I expected something a little more impressive.

We get a wonderful close-up on Tightass’s pouty face as Normal!Jecht materializes in the center of the platform. Although this makes no God damn sense, we just have to have our sappy father/son goodbye scene. Jesus Christ. I might as well get on with this. Jecht sways dramatically and drops to his knees. This takes just long enough for Tightass to run forward and catch him before he falls to the ground. For a moment, it looks like he’s hugging his dad, but no. That can’t be. After all, Tightass has said about a million times how much he hates his “old man.” There’s no way he could possibly be hiding his true feelings or anything. God, I’m making myself sick.

Tightass eases his dad onto his back. I’m just all about the gross imagery, aren’t I? Sorry about that. Jecht, still his feisty self, taunts, “You’ll cry. You’re gonna cry. You always cry. See? You’re cryin’.” Hee! Unfortunately, we get an FMV shot of Tightass, his ugly mug all scrunched up, sobbing and sniffling as tears run down his face. He wanks, “I hate you, Dad.” Good lord. WE GET IT. And that’s it for the FMV. They spent actual time and money on a special FMV shot just for that.

Tightass sets his dad down all the way on the hard ground and stands up. Jecht basically tells him to shut it, as Tightass suddenly remembers that they still have to, uh, fight Yu Yevon and shit. “Good. That’s right. You are my son after all, even though I’d rather be raped by a shoopuf than admit that.” And now it’s time for the real sap. Get your buckets ready. “You know…for the first time, I’m glad…to have you as my father,” Tightass sobs. Wow, how fucking generous of Tightass to say something nice to the guy before he dies. HE’S SO MATURE AND THOUGHTFUL NOW!!!!!!!!!!1111111111 Jecht just smiles because he has no self-respect. Or maybe he’s just glad that he’s going to die and be away from his worthless son for good. OR WILL HE?!

Yuna prepares to send Jecht, but suddenly there’s no time! In spite of the fact that there was plenty of time for all the wanking and sobbing. GOD I HATE YOU GAME DESIGNERS!!!!!! Whoa, I lost it there. Sorry, folks. Moving on. The thing that flew out of Jumbo!Jecht — oh hell, we all know it’s Yu Yevon — zooms around the platform some more to illustrate that this is urgent. Tightass flings his arm out ineffectually, shrieking at Yu Yevon to stay the hell away from them. Yu Yevon complies for some unknown reason. “The aeons…” Jecht reminds Yuna, although how did he know about their plan? Bahamut Fayth materializes and repeats, “We aeons…” “Call them!” Jecht yells. “Call us!” Bahamut Fayth says. I’m hearing a fucking echo. This is supposed to be all important and artsy, as the drug-induced camera angles inform us. Then, Jecht falls face-first onto the ground. We get a close-up on Tightass’s Pissy Eyes right before Jecht dissolves into pyreflies.

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The camera pulls back to show all the poor party members who have been forced to watch this schmaltzy display. It keeps going until we see a shot of the entire platform, complete with oversized sword still stuck in it. Yu Yevon circles through the air, trailing red smoky stuff. Finally, Yuna says, “Yes.” Uh, he’s gone, Yuna. Suddenly, Lulu screams, “Here it comes!” just as Yu Yevon plunges into the sword hilt, sending out as many different forms of light and fire as the game designers thought would look kewl. The screen goes white, of course, as the Distorted Creepy Men’s Choir of Spira starts singing the Hymn. Soon, we are swirling through glowing clouds and stars, almost as if the game designers have found some way to release secondhand crack smoke through the PS2. Jecht’s sword appears in the cosmos, and the camera continues spinning around and around, zooming closer and closer, as we see Tightass and the others lying on the surface of the sword, which has somehow grown as large as Tightass’s ego. What. The Fuck. Tightass gets to his feet, noticing Yuna standing a short distance away with her Sad Face on. Tightass holds onto his head as if it were going to explode, and as much as I dislike gory shit, I have to say I wouldn’t mind watching that in great detail. Suddenly, he screeches, “Yuna!” like fingernails on a blackboard. A Boss Battle Mix of the Hymn indicates that we’ve got more fighting to do.