Since Sin’s left arm has only 65000 HP, it goes down with a few blasts from Holy. Christ, and Auron only got in one dinky hit. I feel like I’m in Bizarro World. Cid takes over at this point, telling everyone to grab a hold of something because he’s going to shoot off his giant gun. Of course this has to happen in an FMV. Two giant phallic pointy things erupt from the front of the Convenience and shoot Sin’s left arm off in an explosion of sparklies. I would expect a lot of splattering blood and gobs of flesh, but no. Sparklies. This climactic moment is interrupted by the EXP screen. I’m used to that, though. I also love how Sin’s Smaug-like weak spot is in its fucking left shoulder. Who came up with that?
“Got it!” Tightass shrieks, like he did anything for that entire battle. Cid smooches ass, saying, “Couldn’t have done it without you!” Yes, even though he has a giant gun that can shoot off the arm of a destructive sea beast, he really needed them to attack the shiny flower-shaped thing on its shoulder first. Pass the crackpipe, please.
I’m not sure what happened to the Sin-pulling-them-in contrivance that expedited the whole battle in the first place, but it appears that Cid is able to maneuver the ship about once again. He moves it to Sin’s other side, where I fight….the shiny flowery thing on Sin’s right shoulder. Wow, the creativity here is overwhelming. This is abso-fucking-lutely identical to the other side, so that saves me a paragraph of recapping. Score!
As soon as Cid determines that I’ve whittled down the right arm enough, he orders Brother to fire the penis cannon yet again. This time, we get a longer FMV of Sin’s arm falling off in a burst of sparklies. Cid’s still all raring to go. Of course he is, since he’s not really doing much of anything except shouting orders. Brother informs him that the battle is over. When Cid begs to differ, Brother explains that the main gun is busted. Uh…okay. That happened just out of the blue, without an overdone FMV or anything. I’m surprised that the game designers didn’t even try to come up with an explanation for that. Well, not all that surprised, actually.
On the deck, Rikku translates the previous conversation from Al Bhed. I’m glad I have all the Al Bhed Primers, otherwise I would have had to sit through nonsensical gibberish. Oh, wait. This way, I get to listen to the explanation twice. Either way I lose. Cid tries yet again to get the Wanker Gang back inside to reformulate their plans, but Tightass is determined to get inside Sin at whatever the cost. And there is more of my wonderful imagery. Thank you, brain. “Every blitzer knows: when you got the ball, you gotta score!” The camera dramatically flashes to everyone in quick succession in order to add to my nausea. Aside from the fact that Tightass wouldn’t know a thing about balls or scoring, what the hell does an underwater sports game have to do with fighting an oversized deadly sea monster? Nothing — he’s just retarded.
At this point, I become suicidal because Auron is the first person to rush forward to support Tightass’s plan. “Foolhardy…but fun plan,” he comments. This really bugs me. One moment, Auron seems ready to punch Tightass in the face, and the next second he’s practically humping his leg. I’m not sure how to feel inside. Auron then runs to the edge of the deck and launches himself over the side. At first, I think that Tightass has driven him to whatever form of suicide applies to already-dead people, but it turns out that Sin is now beneath them and he simply jumped onto it. Tightass wanks, “Hey! Star players first!” I don’t think there’s any form of the phrase “Shut up, Tightass” that is strong enough for this moment. He and the others follow Auron over the side.
They land on….some surface of Sin. Its back? Its ass? There’s another gaping butthole-esque weak spot, so maybe my ass guess was correct. A familiar Sinspawn erupts from the “ground” in front of them. It looks like the one the group fought on their way to Kilika temple because the game designers are lazy Sin has only a few different kinds of spawn. Of course this one is more difficult to defeat than that one because the characters have become stronger and the game designers don’t want the battle to be over in one turn Sin has undoubtedly improved the battle skills of its spawn in the time since we last fought them.
The key to this battle is, of course, to defeat the sinspawn in order to prevent it from blocking close range and magic attacks upon Sin’s butthole. At one point, the spawn curls up into a defensive ball and I sit around using curative spells on the party until it opens back up. Which it doesn’t. Then, I get my brain back and cast Holy, which kills it in one hit. Yes, I’m a moron. I now have full access to Sin’s butthole. It only takes a few hits with Holy and Auron to eliminate the ass. And I’m not referring to Tightass.
With the three weak areas of Sin defeated, it plunges to the earth in a nifty FMV. Yu Yevon, inside Sin somewhere, probably curses the fact that he built three completely obvious weak spots into his magical killing machine. The Convenience follows Sin’s path, except for the landing in the ocean part, while everyone keeps from falling off the damn ship by simply holding onto the deck. A whole bunch of badly-motion-captured NPCs ooh and aah as Sin’s corpse hits the ground and skids into the water, kicking up a whole assload of dirt and debris.
Asian!Tightass and crew stare down at the city (probably Bevelle) from the airship. Then I get my EXP in another jarring transition from the main action. Inside the bridge, Brother babbles in Al Bhed, completely in awe of all the shit going down. Cid practically creams his shorts over what a great job the team did in that not difficult at all battle. Rikku leads the others onto the bridge, as Brother compliments her. She poses. Well, I’d rather see her taking credit for it than Tightass, since she actually did do something in battle. The camera zooms in on Yuna, who timidly says, “It’s going to come back, isn’t it?” No freaking shit, Sherlock. Even aside from the fact that they haven’t beaten Yu Yevon yet, there’s no way that a Final Fantasy game is only going to have three battles near the end. I mean, come on.
Tightass agrees with her, causing Cid to sputter in disbelief. I love how Sin has been dying and returning for a thousand years, but hit it with some big guns and some spells, and some people think it’s gone for good. You’d think there’d be a little more doubt here. Tightass reminds everyone that they have to defeat Yu Yevon, since he assumes that everyone is as stupid as he is. “The Crusaders would be out of a job if it was this easy,” Wakka comments intelligently(!). Lulu and Rikku are hopeful that they’ve at least put a dent in Sin’s thick skin. “All right, I’ll do what I can with the main gun!” Cid declares, as he walks off to presumably fix it.
I have control of Tightass again, meaning that I can actually do something with all those levels I gained. Not to mention save my freaking game. And, of course, Talk To Everyone. For some completely inexplicable reason, Wakka whines that they “must have hit that thing enough by now”. But…he…just said….head hurting….must stop. Lulu sounds a little less hopeful than before. The game designers can’t even keep characterizations consistent from one scene to the next. Yes, I’m aware that this isn’t a shock at all, but as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, I can’t keep quiet when I’m irritated. Hey, if I were any other way, you wouldn’t get recaps. Yeah, I got nothin’. The rest of the party shares Lulu’s caution because they aren’t big fucking morons.
For great justice!
On the upper level of the airship, one of the random Al Bhed NPCs insists that the main gun is completely destroyed, and no amount of plot contrivance can fix it. Tightass, used to having a gun that never works, heads up to the deck to find Yuna wanksting. There is a pretty, pretty sunset in the background in order to make this scene more meaningful or something. “I wonder if Sir Jecht is in pain,” she sighs. Tightass just wants to get this the fuck over with. Welcome to the club. “The fayth said they would help us, right?” Tightass says out of the blue, in order to kick off the next “important” bit of conversation. Yuna is a bit confused and unsettled about the fayths’ intent to help them. She agrees with what I said earlier: “I mean, they’ve been fighting alongside us this whole time but now they say they’ll help?” Tightass has no clue what she’s getting at, but Yuna suddenly figures it out. The Synthesizer of Melancholy shows up to underscore her next words. “Sin is reborn when Yu Yevon merges with an aeon, isn’t that right?” Well, the Final Aeon, but yeah. By that logic, Yuna says, Yu Yevon will possess any aeon she summons. But since her aeons are wussy compared to the Final Aeon, they’ll be easy to defeat. Tightass gets all excited. “Then, we might be able to beat it without the Final Summoning.” Yuna wonders what will happen if Yu Yevon jumps into another aeon, and Tightass tells her that they’ll beat that one, too, and keep doing so until there are no more aeons left for Yu Yevon to possess. He suddenly realizes the implications of his words, something I never thought I’d say. We’ll examine the plot holes involved in this plan a little later.
Yuna, wearing her Sad Face, wanksts about how she never thought she’d have to kill all her aeons, despite having no trouble defeating them in battle with other summoners. Tightass reassures her that the fayth are okay with this, and just want it to be over. Since they’re technically already dead and stuff. “Let’s let them rest,” he finishes. “The fayth said it’s pointless to keep dreaming,” Yuna Shatners. “The dream will disappear, he said. What did he mean? And what is it that Yu Yevon is summoning from within Sin?” Tightass responds that it’s the dream of the fayth, or as we know it, the fake Zanarkand. Now wait a minute. I’ve been confused all this time because the story kept changing — Yu Yevon is summoning Sin, Yu Yevon is summoning Zanarkand using the fayth wall. So I guess the answer is that he’s doing both. What a multitasker.
Yuna, remembering what Tightass said earlier about being a dream but not wanting to come right out and ask him what the fuck is going on, asks, “You won’t…go away, will you?” She asks in it a completely different tone than I would. But before he can answer, Rikku interrupts over the loudspeaker, telling them to come look at something to do with Sin. Foiled again! An FMV shows us what she was talking about. Sin, instead of being deader than Auron a doornail, screeches back to life. It rears up, sprouting glowy translucent wings and floating back into the air. Seriously. Not that I’m surprised that a Final Fantasy villain grew wings, but what the hell? Surely this should deserve some sort of special Where The Fuck Did That Come From? Award.
The airship flies past Sin as it floats, motionless, just above the city. Asian!Tightass and Asian!Yuna stare at this occurrence with blank expressions. Cut to the bridge as Tightass and Yuna return. “Jecht…He’s waiting for you,” Auron informs Tightass. Cid reiterates what Random NPC said regarding the bustedness of the main gun, meaning that they’re on their own as far as weaponry is concerned. Tightass doesn’t care — he says they’ll take care of Sin by themselves. Perhaps realizing he just spoke for everyone without their input, he looks worried for a moment. But he brightens up as the camera pans over the faces of Lulu, Rikku, and Wakka who smile blankly. Wakka punches the air like a spaz. I give up any hope for these people. Fucking morons.
Cid orders Brother — in English — to take them to the front orifice this time. Obviously, Brother can understand English a lot better than he speaks it, as he responds brokenly that he will do so. “Let’s get ready to blitz!” Tightass wanks, still stuck on the one thing he knows. “My story must end as well,” Auron declares irritatingly. Of course no one picks up on this fatalistic remark, still off in la-la land where they consider Tightass a good leader. Thankfully, the scene ends before I can inflict dire bodily harm upon myself. Tightass heads back to the deck to fight yet another part of Sin. Hopefully not the wang — although you’d think that would be a major weak spot.
On the deck, everyone, including Sin, awaits the presence of their Wanker King. Sin hovers there, still big and ugly even with its pretty, fruity wings. For a moment Sin dips down to show some sort of city atop its head. I have no idea if that has some sort of Important Meaning, or if the game designers threw that in randomly — my bet is on the latter. The camera does some terrible things, like zoom quickly in on Tightass’s eye, and then pull another dramatic double-shot of Sin. As soon as that’s over with, it’s time to fight. Auron, Wakka, and Yuna run forward as everyone else stands there pointlessly, including Tightass, the so-called “leader.” Sometimes the party limit is so silly in terms of the story.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This time, the party is face to face with Sin as they battle. Once again, they start out farther away, but Sin pulls them progressively closer. The point of this battle is to whittle Sin’s ungodly amount of HP down before it pulls off its ultimate attack. Holy still does a lot of damage, but not quite enough, so Yuna calls in the Magus Sisters to help. After two successive hits with their overdrive (the animation for which somewhat involves Cindy as the fat comic relief — thanks so much, game designers) and a couple of attacks with Mindy, Sin goes down. Well, that was rather anticlimactic.