First, I have to talk to a woman standing with her son near the entrance. She whines that her husband hasn’t shown up yet. It’s up to Tightass to perform this ever-so-important search. The clueless guy (the husband, not Tightass in this case) is a few screens away, standing near a pond. Thank Yevon it’s not the pond where…..where that took place. The evil that spreads from it will infect everyone who comes near, turning them into brain-eating wankers like Tightass. Anyway, the husband thinks he’s supposed to meet his family there. Tightass kindly informs him where they are, in his one good deed of his life the day. Back on the previous screen, the reunited spouses thank Tightass profusely. If he hadn’t been there to help, who knows what sort of tragedy would have occurred?

A few steps away, a sparkly path leads up into the treetops. Partway along, the path forks, with one branch leading to the end of the forest (yay for shortcuts!) and the other blocked by a random woman. Unfortunately, the second branch is the way I have to go, and I can’t figure out how to get that bitch out of my way. Finally, after running about aimlessly, I return to the happy couple and talk to them each twice. They both whine about how their son has gone missing. Instead of doing something constructive like, I don’t know, looking for him, they just stand there. Nice parents. So it’s up to Tightass to once again save the day.

This is what triggers the dumb woman to move her ass off the path, allowing Tightass to follow that particular pathway to a dead end. Of course the couple’s son is there, next to a giant orb, talking about how he senses something nearby. The text box asks me if I want to use the Cloudy Mirror. Well, no shit, Sherlock. A bunch of sparklies surround the mirror, turning it into…the Celestial Mirror!

Now I have everything except the actual weapon. It’s located in a treasure chest by the Monster Arena. To open said chest, I need the Celestial Mirror. To combine the weapon with the crest and sigil, I need to stand next to the orb that activated the Celestial Mirror. That means I have to go back to the Calm Lands, where I just was, and then return to where I am now. I may as well just stab this pen in my eye and get it over with.

Oh, but we can’t continue on with the side quest until we have a happy family reunion for this random bunch of NPCs. The husband and wife come walking up the path, finally taking some initiative to look for their son in this fiend-infested forest. They bow to Tightass and their kid waves at him before walking down the path. What a waste of my time.

Fast forward to the Monster Arena. Tightass uses the Celestial Mirror on the locked treasure chest. To make sure we understand that this is Yuna’s special weapon, Yuna appears onscreen. Tightass makes a victorious gesture upon opening the treasure chest, thinking he’s hot shit for holding up a stupid mirror. With the weapon, Nirvana, in hand, it’s back to the giant Macalania Forest orb.

Even though I’ve spent all that time acquiring the items, the game designers still drag this shit out. First, I have to present the Nirvana and the Moon Crest. I wait “patiently” as Yuna stands in front of the orb, watching her weapon hover in front of it for what seems like eternity, as little sparklies zoom into it. Then, I have to repeat the whole process again with the Moon Sigil. Yes, this allows her to have a whole slew of cool shit on the weapon, such as Break Damage (damage above 9999) and 1 MP Cost, but Jesus Christ. And hers is the easiest weapon to get.

Yet something seems wrong. When I figure out what’s bugging me, I realize that I just may be a masochist after all. You see, Yuna is a total putz, yet I spent all that time getting her ultimate weapon. Auron, who is a million times cooler, is stuck with his piddly little sword. Well, not little, but you get the idea. To resolve this feeling of wrongness, I’m going to have to get Auron’s ultimate weapon, too. GOD DAMN IT.

I’ve already got the first part — the rusty sword that I got near Hojimbo’s cave. To get the Masamune itself, I must take the rusty sword and stick it in the ground near Lord Mi’ihen’s statue. The statue is located in a previously closed-off section of Mushroom Rock Road, the most obvious place in the world where one would think to take a rusty sword. Stupid asshat game designers. After the sword is in place, a glyph appears on the wall nearby. And of course, using the Celestial Mirror on the glyph allows me to obtain the Masamune. After the little text box informs me of my success, Rikku runs up, dog paddling all the way. Wha? Auron follows, testing out his pointy sword of doom by swinging it directly into the camera. I’m still not sure why the scene required Rikku, but I’m sure that some fangirls out there will use that bit of randomness as “evidence.” OMG SHE TOTALY WACHED HIM GTE HIS WEEPON TEYRE GONNA DO TI!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I obtained the Mars Crest way back on my first visit to Mi’ihen Oldroad, all I need is the Mars Sigil. As always, the sigil is the more irritating of the two pieces to get. This time, I need to capture all the different kinds of fiends in ten different areas of Spira. This isn’t difficult, but takes quite a bit of my precious time. Once again, I stop recording and just finish this tedious part “off camera.” Quite frankly, I’m afraid I’m going to run out of tape.

An hour or so later, after I have gone completely crazy and clawed my entire face off, I finally have the Mars Sigil. Thank you, sweet Jesus. I return to the orb in Macalania Forest and get the Masamune all powered up. Auron’s coolness level just increased tenfold. In addition to Break Damage and First Strike (among other things), the weapon’s power goes up when Auron is low on HP. Get it?! Because he’s dead?!?!?! Also, I can now go above 9999 damage with Hojimbo. SCORE!!!! Except not.

Now, you may wonder why I don’t just go get all the ultimate weapons. At least you may wonder this if you haven’t already played the game. The truth is the game designers finally dropped all pretense of being normal, non-sadistic people and decided to show that they are indeed demonic minions of from the very depths of hell.

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The crests and weapons themselves are easy enough to get, luring us into a sense of complacency. However, getting the sigils requires torturous minigames that no one should ever have to endure. Rikku’s isn’t so bad — just a time-consuming cactuar hunt that I really don’t care to pursue at this point because I don’t care all that much about Rikku. Lulu’s Venus Sigil, though, requires you to dodge 200 lightning bolts…in a row. To do this correctly takes almost an hour, so I hear. I have to guess that most people don’t get this perfectly the first time, meaning that the game designers expect us to sit staring at the screen for hours, pressing the X button at just the right time. I think I’ll pass. I’ve also heard horror stories about people who thought they did 200, only to go inside the inn to check, and find out that they got 199, requiring them to start all over. I think it’s safe to say that this crosses the line between “fun challenge” and “akin to an excruciatingly painful death.” Seriously, who thought that people would actually want to do this?

Then we have Wakka’s Jupiter Sigil, which requires hours of playing blitzball. Let me repeat that: hours of playing blitzball. I don’t think I need to say anything more on that subject. Kimahri’s Saturn Sigil involves that horrible Macalania Forest butterfly game. This is the only one I’ve never even attempted because of the number of bitter complaints I’ve seen. I’m going to learn from other people’s mistakes in this case and stay far, far away from this terrible thing.

Sad to say, I actually tried to get the Sun Sigil for Tightass’s ultimate weapon in one of my earlier games. Don’t ask what possessed me to do so. Maybe I figured that I had half a chance, since I hadn’t heard much about this side quest one way or the other. Now I know why everyone was so silent — this is the minigame of which we are forbidden to speak. Basically, it involves racing against an NPC, steering a retarded chocobo, collecting balloons before the other racer, and avoiding birds that fly straight out of the asses of the game designers. The only way to win is to finish with a perfect score, something which I was not able to achieve in the 45 minutes before I went batshit insane and sent death threats to Squaresoft written in my own blood. Then I realized what I was doing — wasting precious minutes of my life trying to get a weapon for Tightass — and quickly let go of any completist tendencies I may have had.

I know there are those of you who have actually collected all of the weapons, or got others to help you do so. And while I love and respect many of you, I can quite safely say that you are all fucking crazy. You need help. Get it.

…

Can this be? Am I finally at the end of the recap? It appears that I am ready to take on Sin, so I’ll leave that for next time. We’re close to the end, folks. If you made it through this recap, the next one should be a breeze. See you next time!