“I’m Yuna. Thank you so much for your help earlier,” she tells Tightass. Um…maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember him actually doing anything. He just stood there, looking like a dying fish and talking in Wankese. I wouldn’t thank him for that. He apologizes for overreacting, the first non-wanky thing he’s done thus far in the game. Yuna says that it’s her fault because she was overconfident. Once again, how did that make her responsible for some random wanker’s actions? Don’t they have women’s lib in Spira? The two of them make some small talk, and Yuna asks, “Do you think I can become high summoner?” Because apparently she needs to be validated by some random wanker she just met. Damn, this is annoying. Tightass nods in response to her question (even though neither he nor we have any clue what a high summoner is, unless it somehow involves a summoner on drugs), and Yuna gets this look on her face as if Tightass just circled “Yes” on her “Do you love me? Circle Yes or No.” note. Thankfully, some little kid comes up and demands Yuna’s attention, so she has to take her leave of Tightass. Yuna says that she and Tightass are taking the same boat tomorrow and they can talk more then. I can hardly wait. “You can tell me all about Zanarkand!” she gushes. So she’s going to be the one person in the game who believes him, I guess. Well, except for Auron. Wherever the hell he may be.

He makes his move…

And then the most annoying scene takes place. As Yuna walks off, Wakka approaches Tightass. “She’s cute, ya?” he asks, because every one of his sentences must end in “ya”. I can choose “Yeah!” or “She’s not my type.” This is so stupid. I choose the first one. Wakka tells Tightass not to get any ideas. “No promises there, big guy,” Tightass says cockily. Because he’s such a studmuffin. I am rolling my eyes so hard it hurts. “Hey, but what if she, like, comes on to me?” Tightass wanks. The only reason that scenario is remotely likely is the script. Otherwise, I’d say the chances would be pretty similar to me going to video game land, turning down the offer of a foursome from Squall, Seifer, and Auron, and instead inviting Tightass, Rinoa, Cid (pick one), and that big blob guy from FFVIII over to my place for a hot orgy involving moogles and cactuars. Wakka makes a similar statement, but without all the sex stuff. Well, he does invite Tightass to bed.

Tightass goes to bed, and there’s another dream sequence. Okay, I get that the guy has a lot of dreams. But do we have to see every single one? The game designers broke out the crack pipe right before writing this particular dream. Tightass is sitting on a dock, and then for some odd reason, I get to control him. Yuna is standing on the end of the dock. I must recap the dream verbatim, because a short description cannot do it justice – it’s that fucking odd. The dialogue is as follows:

Tightass: Where’s that boat?
Yuna: Everyone will find us if it doesn’t come soon. [Author’s note: WTF?!]
Tightass: You really sure this is okay? [Author’s note: I don’t like where this is going…]
Yuna: Would you take me to Zanarkand?

Rikku suddenly appears and runs toward them. I really don’t like where this is going. Tightass starts running in place, in a very gay manner. I am confused and sad.

Rikku: Hey! You said you’d go with me!
Tightass: (still running in place) Oh, hey…I, uh…
Rikku: I thought Wakka told you not to get any ideas?
Yuna: He did?
Rikku: Yeah, so you’re coming with me!
Jecht: Hey! Stop dreaming! [Author’s note: Yeah, you read that right. Jecht.]

Tightass turns around. Jecht is standing on the beach. He is very scary. He has no shirt on and a big Zanarkand Abes logo tattooed on his chest.

Jecht: You, with a woman? You can’t even catch a ball! [Author’s note: I don’t want to even go into what that’s supposed to mean.]

Tightass is now seven years old again, and is curled up on the dock, crying. Yes, crying. Like a crybaby wanker.

Jecht: Oh, what’s the matter? Gonna cry again? Cry, cry. That’s the only thing you’re good for!

As an online friend of mine, Dave Carter, wrote on the message board, Jecht “sounds like he’s taking a dump and being snooty about it at the same time.” This is an apt description. However, scary as Jecht is, he gets full points for being mean to Tightass.

Yuna and Rikku are now standing on either side of Jecht. If this goes where I think it’s going, then I’m even more disturbed than at the beginning of the dream.

Young Tightass: I hate you.
Jecht: Huh? What’d you say?
Yuna: You have to speak loudly.
Young Tightass: I hate you!
Jecht: Eh?
Rikku: That’s the spirit!
Yuna: You can do it!

No comment.

Then Tightass wakes up, screaming, “I hate you!” No one else in the lodge seems to notice. The sad part about that dream is that it makes the same amount of sense as a regular non-dream scene from Final Fantasy VII. I can understand why a teenage male with a heightened sense of self-worth would dream about two chicks fighting over him, but why his dad showed up right in the middle — well, I think some things are best left unknown.

“He’s dead, okay? Dead,” a woman’s voice says from outside. Tightass goes to the door to listen. I would say that he’s nosy, but if you’re going to have a conversation outdoors in the middle of the night that is loud enough for people to hear through the walls, then you deserve to have it be heard.

FMV mode. The speaker is the guardian chick, whose name is Lulu. She’s saying that “he” looks like someone named Chappu. I’m guessing that the “he” in question is Tightass, and Chappu is the guy who’s dead. Lulu is quite vehement about Tightass not being Chappu, and she chides Wakka for bringing him to the village. Yeah, I’d be pissed, too. I like Lulu already. She’s totally bitching Wakka out, as he stares at her breasts. Wakka says he just wanted to help, but Lulu won’t have any of it. She tells Wakka to cram it, and then walks off. End scene.

Wakka enters the hut to find Tightass standing there. You know, if you’re going to eavesdrop on someone’s conversation, you could at least be subtle about that fact. Tightass wants to know who Chappu is. He’s Wakka’s dead brother, who looked a lot like Tightass. Now that’s just sad. I hope he didn’t bleach his hair and wear wanky clothes. Chappu died fighting Sin with the Crusaders a year ago. I’m guessing Lulu was getting it on with him, although Wakka makes no mention of that. Tightass realizes that Chappu’s death was the reason that Wakka couldn’t concentrate on the blitzball tournament. But he doesn’t seem to feel too bad about totally brushing it off as an “excuse” earlier. Wanker. So now we know Wakka’s Tragic Backstory — he wants to avenge his brother by helping to defeat Sin. Even though blitzball is more important to him at the moment.

And…success!

Oh, God. Tightass and Wakka have a “moment” where they get all sappy and Tightass thanks Wakka for helping him out. This time, when Tightass holds out his hand to Wakka, Wakka gets all embarrassed. This is the same guy that has grabbed Tightass from behind numerous times, and even smacked him on the ass. I guess because this moment is all romantic, it’s different somehow. The scene fades out before we see what happens next.

The next morning, Tightass wakes up alone and leaves the lodge. He finds Lulu and Wakka outside, waiting for Yuna. Wakka gives Tightass a sword. As opposed to the “sword” he gave him last night. The sword is clear and looks like it has water inside it. Now this is probably a rumor, but I read somewhere that this sword was originally going to be soft until Tightass filled it up with water to make it hard. I kid you not. Just thought I’d pass that little tidbit along. Now whenever you look at that sword, you’ll think of that and laugh. Dirty bastards. Lulu says that the sword was originally meant for Chappu. Oops. Wakka replies that Chappu never used it.

Tightass wonders why they don’t just wait for Yuna by the boat. Exposition!Wakka says that Yuna came to the village ten years ago when the last Calm began. He of course does not explain what the Calm is, because it’s one of those things we’ll find out later in some other expositional moment. Yuna has been like a little sister to Lulu and Wakka, and so they want to all leave the village together on their journey.

Yuna emerges from the temple with a crapload of luggage, but Lulu and Wakka convince her not to take it. She’s an RPG character – she only needs one outfit, duh. I’m not sure what the point of that exchange was, but whatever. Yuna takes one last look at the temple, and then they leave.

There are random tutorial battles on the path. We learn all about who is best at fighting what, and how the women are mages and the men are fighters. I am shocked and surprised. Of course, I don’t blame Lulu for not wanting to fight in that dress. I’d do magic too, if I had to wear that. It’s funny to watch Tightass be all cocky about fighting a flan, and then doing no damage at all. Lulu gets to say, “Clueless, aren’t you?” I love it! Lulu gets this recap’s “Ripping on Tightass” award.

At the top of the hill, everyone stops. As they look down at the village, Lulu tells Yuna to take her time. This is the point where I make the wild guess that they’re not expecting Yuna to ever return to the village. Not that that would turn out to be an important revelation later in the game or anything. Tightass doesn’t get this same vibe because not only has he not played numerous Final Fantasy games, but he’s also a wanker. “Let’s get going, man!” he wanks. Wakka tells him to shut the fuck up and wait. After a moment, Yuna is ready, so they go.

There’s a shrine somewhere along the path, and Wakka stops to pray. He tells Tightass that it’s customary to pray for a safe journey, but Chappu didn’t pray the day he died. Gotta love religious superstition. So everyone stands there and prays, and I can make Tightass pray, too. So I do. Even though I have no idea how that affects the game at all.

Then I reach a save point, praise be to Yevon. It’s as good a stopping point as any. Maybe next time we’ll find out what the hell happened to the blue lion guy, who seems to have randomly disappeared. And maybe I’ll remember to drink heavily before having to deal with Tightass again.