The screen goes black, and I think I’m going to get control of the game again, but God help me, it’s more Wankese. “I thought then that blitzball and Sin were the only two things that Spira and Zanarkand had in common. I wasn’t too far off, either.” Wow, that would really suck to end up in a place where the only things that it had in common with my homeland were a giant sea monster that kills people and a wanky sport. I think I would cry. Like Tightass. Except in a less pathetic way.

Back on land, Tightass and Wakka are walking up a hill. Wakka stops at an overlook and points to a podunk village down below. “This is where I was born. I started blitz when I was five. I joined the Aurochs at thirteen…ten years ago,” he tells Tightass for no reason whatsoever. I realize that there are some people in real life who will randomly tell you their entire life stories, but it seems like everyone in RPGs does that. “Ten years…and we never won a game,” Wakka says pathetically. Wow, they really do suck.

Wakka blabs on some more about quitting blitzball after last year’s tournament. But even after getting a new job, he couldn’t keep his mind off blitzball. Now that is just sad. He tells Tightass that he couldn’t focus during the first match of last year, because he had something else on his mind. “Nice excuse,” Tightass says snottily. What a prick.

Tightass goes into “stupid wanky arrogant jock mode” and starts talking about winning this year’s tournament. “So, what’s our goal?” he asks, looking all serious. “I don’t care how we do. Long as we play our best,” Wakka replies. This is unacceptable to Tightass. “No, no, no, no, no,” he says. “If I say, ‘What’s our goal?’ you say, ‘Victory!'” This is the part where I would laugh right in his face. Okay, he sounds so annoyingly boastful here, I can’t even recap it. I’m sparing you the pain, just this once. The concept of playing to win is a foreign one for Wakka. He really must be hitting that blitzbong pretty hard.

The scene randomly ends there, and I get to control Tightass for a few minutes. At the bottom of the hill, Tightass and Wakka meet up with the same two guys that Wakka was talking to on the beach earlier. The little thong-wearing guy warns Tightass about fiends, which is Spira-speak for “random battle monsters” and the big red-headed guy with nipple covers says, “After surviving your run-in with Sin, ‘twould be a shame if something happened now.” Um, how did nipple cover guy know that Tightass had a run-in with Sin? They ran away before Tightass even explained that he got close to Sin. I guess it’s that whole thing where news spreads instantaneously in RPGs.

Thong guy and nipple covers guy walk off once again. Tightass wonders who those guys are, and that’s exactly what I was wondering, too. That scares me more than words can express. “Luzzu and Gatta – Crusaders,” Wakka replies. Everyone in Spira must have five-letter names with a double consonant in the middle. “Huh? Crews of what?” Tightass asks stupidly. “What, you forgot that too?” Wakka says, and Tightass slumps his shoulders and looks down at the ground like a small child. That’s unsurprising. Wakka apologizes and offers to help Tightass. Tightass promises to help Wakka win the tournament. Um…didn’t they already have this conversation? Wakka tells Tightass to ask Luzzu and Gatta what Crusaders are. Oh, yay, more exposition. I can’t wait.

In the village, which, as Wakka helpfully informs us, is called “Besaid Village”, there are about five tents and a giant temple. Tightass asks about food. Wakka tells him he can have some later. I laugh at Tightass until I realize that I’ll probably have to listen to him whine about food some more now. Wakka points out the Crusaders Lodge, as if there was any possible way that Tightass could miss it, seeing as how it’s the second largest building in the whole village. Of course, this is Tightass we’re talking about here.

Before Tightass can go any further, Wakka pulls him over behind a building. I become fearful. Oh, he’s just asking Tightass if he remembers “the prayer”. I make Tightass respond, “I don’t know any prayers” because that seems like it would be worse than to respond, “I don’t remember”. I’m all about making him look as bad as possible. Crap! I just got more Wankese! My plans have backfired! Wakka figures that Tightass must have forgotten the prayer, too, so he demonstrates. Once again, it’s the weird hand gesture bowing thing, so this makes three times total. I would keep track, but trust me, that will end up becoming very difficult. Tightass tries the prayer, but looks completely awkward and bad. “Not bad,” Wakka lies. “Okay, now go present yourself to the temple summoner.” Huh? The what? Why would Wakka think to ask Tightass if he remembers “the prayer”, but doesn’t bother to ask Tightass if he remembers what the hell a temple summoner is? More importantly, why would anyone want to summon a temple? I guess you could crush people with it, but there must be easier ways.

“Any blitzball player would know that prayer,” Tightass says in Wankese, “It was the blitzball sign for victory.” I guess that explains why he wasn’t very good at it. He holds his hands up in front of his face for a few seconds, and then walks into the village. Fade out.

Now it’s the obligatory “walk around the village and talk to random people” part. Luckily, the village is small so it doesn’t take long. Some chick in a weird skirt with half her ass hanging out the sides tells Tightass his clothes are odd. As hypocritical as that is for her to say, I have to agree with her. In Wakka’s hut, Wakka is sitting on his ass on the floor next to a table. Must be a rough life. Good thing he doesn’t have all that machina to do work for him, or he might get lazy.

I don’t get how there can be five small huts/tents in the village with a miniscule number of beds, yet there are several people in each of the huts, and that’s not even counting the six blitzball guys back on the beach. Where do all these people sleep?

Tightass enters the Crusaders Lodge. Exposition time! Gatta (thong guy) asks if Sin attacked Tightass recently, and if so, then that means Sin is nearby. Luzzu (nipple covers guy) says that if Sin is nearby, it will attack the village, but it hasn’t done so yet. “I wonder why?” he says. Tightass says he doesn’t know jack. He asks about the Crusaders. Gatta stands up and dramatically recites, “The Crusaders are sworn to battle Sin! We have chapters throughout Spira, accepting all who wish to join our struggle! The hero Mi’ihen formed the Crusaders eight hundred years ago as the Crimson Blades. Then he realized that ‘Crimson Blades’ was an overdramatically wanky name and changed it to the ‘Crusaders’. We’ve been fighting Sin ever since!” Aren’t you glad you know all this now? There will be a quiz later. “What, you’ve been fighting eight hundred years and you still haven’t beat it?” Tightass wonders incredulously. Luzzu replies that no one has ever defeated Sin, and their mission is to protect the people of Spira. “So then whose job is it to defeat Sin?” Tightass wonders. Apparently, this is a very odd thing for him to ask. I’m wondering when everyone will stop thinking Tightass is some guy who has been adversely affected by Sin’s toxin and start seeing the truth – that he’s just a wanker.

Luzzu says that he could answer Tightass’s question, but it would be better for him to try to remember it himself. In other words, the game designers are trying to keep us in suspense because they want to give us some incentive for continuing to play the game. Luzzu suggests that Tightass go to the temple and pray to Yevon. Sounds like a party.

Inside the temple, there’s some religious-sounding choral music in the background. They make it sound religious by putting it in Dorian mode. See, my musical education came in handy. I can use it while recapping video games on the internet. Whee! There’s a whole slew of people bowing and praying, and it makes me wonder yet again where the hell all of these people live. The camera pans over all the giant statues in the temple as Tightass wanks about how being in the temple made him realize just how different Spira is than Zanarkand. He just now realized that. Just now. Damn, he’s stupid.

As Tightass approaches a statue of a guy wearing a robe, another cutscene begins. A priest randomly starts providing exposition: “Ten years have passed since Lord Braska became high summoner. And finally we receive a statue for our temple.” Let’s go over the list of things that have happened ten years ago: Tightass’s dad Jecht died, Wakka joined the Aurochs, and Lord Braska became high summoner. As my husband John stated, “That was a busy year.”

The camera…the camera got too close so some random chick’s, uh, ass.

“What’s a high summoner?” Tightass asks the priest guy. More “surprised muttering” from the voice cast. Tightass starts spouting the “Sin’s toxin” excuse again, as some random chick’s ass is right in the foreground (CASC: 5). More Wankese. “It was funny hearing myself make the same excuse over and over. Funny, and a little sad.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Oh my God, did I just agree with Tightass again? Please kill me.

“The summoners are practitioners of a sacred art, sworn to protect the people of Yevon,” the priest explains. “Only a chosen few become summoners, who call forth entities of great power: the aeons.” Also known as summons, espers, GFs, and eidolons, depending on your Final Fantasy. “The aeons hear our prayers and come down to us,” he continues. “They are the blessing of Yevon.” In other words, you select “Summon” on the battle screen.

“So what he meant….was that we should respect some kinda great men or something like that…I figured,” Tightass wankovers. Fucking brilliant.

Back in the village proper, Wakka still won’t let Tightass have lunch. What the hell has he been doing all this time? I know, I know: weed. He tells Tightass to take a nap. This triggers a cutscene. As Tightass sleeps, the priest guy enters the hut. “You could at least go see how they are doing,” he says to Wakka. “We can’t interfere. It’s a rule,” Wakka replies. Huh? What? Rule? Who? “But it’s been nearly…” the priest begins as he and Wakka leave the hut. Oh, I love random nonsensical cutscenes where they’re trying to confuse and intrigue us at the same time.

Tightass dream sequence. Sweet Jesus jumping on a pogo stick. No, that’s not what the dream is about – that’s just my expression of disgust. The dream is triggered by the last words that the priest spoke, only this time it’s a flashback to when Jecht disappeared. “It’s been nearly a day already,” some random guy says. Tightass is a little wanker, even as a kid. No surprise there. He doesn’t care if his dad returns, and he says this right to his mom’s face. Nice. He also doesn’t care if his dad dies. “If he dies, you’ll never be able to tell him how much you hate him,” Tightass’s mom says. Oh yeah, that kid has no issues at all.