Anyway, I realize the entire purpose a few moments later, when Yuna and Rikku hug. Ah, so that’s it. Blatant fanboy servicing “sneakily” hidden in a “real” scene. Those game designers are so stealthy! Yuna is so totally into pressing her boobs against her cousin’s that she doesn’t even notice the grapefruit-sized sphere fall out of her clothing and land on the ground behind her. So that’s how she kept her boobs looking so perky all the time. I guess they don’t have implants in Spira. Insert Lulu joke here (although hers are obviously real).

Okay, now you bastards owe me a Squall/Seifer scene.

The camera twirls around and around the two girls, as Rikku buries her head in Yuna’s chest and Yuna rubs her back. The game designers are so going, “Dude….lets make their boobs touch…..heh heh…..” And I realize I’m totally being a hypocrite when I snark on that, because man, if I had a CG Squall and Seifer on my desktop and could make them do whatever I wanted…..well, you know the rest. Maybe I’m just bitter.

Anyway, Yuna and Rikku feel each other up for a while, as they try to have more “dialogue.” Yuna asks Rikku to thank Cid for her. You’d think that the mention of her dad would totally turn Rikku off, but it doesn’t. I don’t even want to go there. Rikku refuses, saying that Yuna can talk to Cid her damn self, because SHE’S NOT GOING TO DIE. But Yuna asks Rikku again, because SHE IS GOING TO DIE. Rikku tries to throw another “NOOOOOO DON’T DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in there, but the game designers decide that enough is enough and end the scene abruptly. I guess they were finished….

….with the scene. God, you guys.

Everyone walks ahead, except for Tightass, who totally has his hand down his pants. He notices the sphere lying on the ground and picks it up. Now, the decent thing to do would be to give it back to Yuna. But this is Tightass we’re talking about, so of course he acts like a total asswad and plays it. He’s probably hoping it contains some hot Yuna/Rikku/Lulu three-way action. I guess he still hasn’t learned any decency since his last privacy invasion. Oh, but he’s supposed to have grown into a mature and heroic hero! I think you know my opinion on that.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be an audio sphere or visual sphere. Tightass holds it up to his ear, but he’s a moron, so that’s no indication. On the other hand, the visuals we see during Yuna’s voiceover are too clear and pan over too much shit to be recorded by Yuna. So let’s figure that this is just audio, with some footage thrown in so people won’t get bored.

The whole sphere is basically Yuna’s “goodbye” recording. Because, in case you’ve missed the last 18.5 recaps, Yuna is (supposedly) going to die. I’m sure that Yuna would be absolutely thrilled that Tightass is listening to it without permission, but because Final Fantasy heroines don’t seem to care when their men are complete asshats, she’d probably just brush it off. Anyway, back to the story. The visuals during the sphere are of the area around Rin’s establishment at Mi’ihen Highroad. This becomes sort of important in a bit. As in that’s when Yuna was recording the sphere. Oops, I gave away the ending.

Yuna speaks to each of her guardians in turn. Well, except for Rikku, who wasn’t there at that point. Holy crap, did the writers just give us continuity? She starts with Auron, kissing his ass liberally as she exposits that Auron was the one who told Kimahri to take Yuna to Besaid. “Having you as a guardian was so great an honor I don’t know how to thank you,” she gushes. I know the guy’s cool and everything, but Jesus Christ. During this whole spiel, we see Wakka exit the inn and proceed to stand next to Lulu. I’m enthralled by these exciting visuals. “Perhaps if I defeat Sin, that will be my thanks to you,” she continues. So basically, Auron gets her death as a thank-you gift? I’m glad she thinks so highly of herself.

Unfortunately, this declaration sends Yuna into a fit of Strength and Nobility, as she swears, “I will challenge Sin. I will defeat Sin.” Yaaaaaaaaawn. She then makes the brilliant deduction that if everyone is listening to the sphere, then both Sin and Yuna are dead. Well, unless you are a complete buttsucking wanker who decided to listen to the sphere without asking. At the end of this statement, Yuna makes a sound that is either an embarrassed giggle or a dramatic sound of wankst. Either way, it doesn’t do much for her Strong and Noble image. But wait, the other characters talk about it so much, we don’t need any actual proof. She thanks Auron yet again, as Wakka sits on the ground with his back to the camera, rockin’ the ganj.

Next guardian: Kimahri. Again, Yuna exposits all over the place, reminding Kimahri of stuff that he already knows. On the night her dad defeated Sin, everyone in the city was celebrating. Yuna, not exactly the brightest bulb on the tree, took a while to figure out that her dad was dead. “Now I was all alone,” she whines. Well surely Braska must have arranged for a caretaker for her. Apparently not, as Yuna was able to wander the streets at night, wanksting away. Dude, Seymour may have been in the town at that point. Bad move! Oh, but Kimahri was conveniently there to whisk her away to the land of weed and budding Lulu boobage. Originally Yuna was scared of the giant blue beast, because he’s big and blue and badass, but she quickly realized, with her Mary Sue powers, just how kindhearted he really was. She tells the rest of the story, and you know, I have a sneaking suspicion that this is more for our benefit than Kimahri’s. I’m quick like that. Yuna also mentions that Kimahri told her his mission to take her to Besaid was “the wish of a man facing death.” Now is he referring to Braska, or is this a “subtle” reference to Auron’s “unknown” death at this point? Either way, I’m sure there’s a place where people are endlessly speculating about this and other minutiae that are most likely not even known by the game designers themselves. I mean, hello, they basically pull all this stuff out of their asses.

Yuna finishes her Kimahri story in her normal stilted Shatner fashion, explaining how she whined until Kimahri felt sorry for her and ended up staying. Isn’t that touching? After this backstory-cleverly-disguised-as-story, Yuna mentions that she has “always liked [Kimahri’s] broken horn.” Size doesn’t matter, I suppose.

On to the next batch of guardians. Yuna, in the interest of saving time, conveniently lumps Wakka and Lulu into a single thank-you. Sure, there’s still the detailed story, but at least it only takes half the time. She mentions how happy she was, as the four of them (including Chappu) “played together” on Besaid. The mention of Chappu gives this one another score for continuity. My God, it’s like these people actually remembered something they wrote. I think I need to lie down. Yuna mentions that the two of them tried to stop her from becoming a summoner, and even though she totally ignored their wishes and ended up making them sad and miserable, she’s happy that they cared. How sweet. “You were like my big brother and sister,” she gushes. “No…I think you really were my big brother and sister.” Incest, ahoy! Also, the sappiness combined with the beautiful, beautiful sunset over the ocean is hurting my hardened recapper’s heart. If I’m going to be poisonously poisoned with excessive amounts of sweetness, at least give me some God damn chocolate.

Because Yuna hasn’t blabbed on quite enough, she pauses to think of some more filler. We find out that she enjoys Wakka playing blitzball, and Lulu’s scolding. Uh-huh. I bet there are piles of doujinshi about the latter.

Now we see Yuna sitting on the cliff, talking to the sphere. Considering that there is only one non-Rikku guardian left, this next part looks to be most nauseating. Sure enough, Yuna’s voice gets a lot quieter and more earnest, as she refers to Tightass as “the newest guardian” and “Star Player of the Zanarkand Abes.” Even Yuna realizes deep down that invoking his true name would be a bad thing, in a “calling up all the demons of the underworld” sort of way. And then it all goes downhill from there.

I’m sorely tempted to just skip this part of the recap. I mean, I suffered through the pond scene and the wedding scene for you people. My sanity and dinner are in danger of escaping through the nearest convenient orifice. Yet because I care so much about all of you (in a completely platonic and appropriate way, of course), I will suffer through this one as well. Sometimes I hate myself.

Yuna struggles to find the right words to properly express her feeeeeeelings for Tightass. But her subconscious tries to prevent her from uttering them. Yuna presses on, though, in spite of her better sense. “I’m glad…I’m glad that we met.” The game designers turn up the horror factor by showing slo-mo shots of Tightass walking out of the inn and staring at the purty sunset. Like the grossness of Yuna verbally humping his leg isn’t disgusting enough. She mentions that she only just met him, but she totally loves his wanky ass. “So this is what it feels like,” she lobotomizes. This is just…..I mean…how stupid do you have to be to not only fall in love with Tightass, but to do so right after you just met? And “but she might not know he’s wanky” is not a valid excuse. It’s Tightass. You have to be living in a hole with your eyes and ears covered, blankets pulled over your head, and be totally dead to not know he’s a wanktard.

Moving on….with trepidation. “It’s a much more wonderful feeling than anything I had ever imagined,” Yuna continues as Tightass stares up at the sky, slack-jawed. Back to Lovely Ocean Sunset. “Wonderful…but it hurts, sometimes. Hurts like my entire being is screaming ‘No! No, he’s a wanker! Run away!'” Yuna thanks Tightass, and then gets all philosophical and rationalizing regarding the aforementioned pain. She thinks that the thought of not being with Tightass anymore is what’s causing the hurt. I can pretty much guarantee that’s not the problem. “When I think of us not being together again at all…I’m afraid,” she finishes.

Wait just a God damn minute. So we’re supposed to believe that this girl, who is SOOOOOO very special and fearless and STRONG and noble, is not afraid of her death at the tentacles of a giant sea beast (I know it’s not technically Sin that kills her, I just wanted to say “tentacles”), is not afraid of being apart from her actual loved ones who she grew up with, but is afraid of missing some stupid-ass loser that she met a couple days ago? To add insult to injury, we see Auron in the background, like he needs to be anywhere near this mind-numbing wank.