Once again, Rikku and Tightass stop walking and discuss Operation Save Yuna. Rikku hasn’t thought of anything since they started the climb. Unsurprisingly, neither has Tightass. They still feel the need to waste dialogue on this fact, and the fact that they’re almost at the end. Rikku whinily wonders what they can do. “We’ll do something!” Tightass insists. “We just don’t know enough yet. Until we do, we really can’t help Yuna. Let’s go to Zanarkand. We’ll find something there. It’ll all come together. I know it!” Rikku is totally impressed by these basically empty words. “Just now, you sounded like a leader, you know?” If sounding like a leader means “putting off a decision because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and still being foolishly optimistic about it” then yes, I agree with her.
That’s what I’ve been saying all along.
Tightass doesn’t take this compliment graciously, either. Puffing out his chest wankily, he boasts, “Star of the Zanarkand Abes! Didn’t anyone tell you?” Well yes, he did. Also, it’s funny that Tightass assumes that the big piece of gossip in the group is that he’s the star player of some non-existent-in-Spira blitzball team. Like Lulu is going to be all, “Hey, that new guy that’s with us? He’s totally a star blitzball player! Like OMG!” The only one that might be impressed is Wakka, but I don’t think even he really gives that big of a shit at this point. Even Rikku finds his bragging utterly stupid. She makes a sarcastic sound and mockingly bows to him. As Tightass walks past her, looking the opposite way, Rikku straightens up and makes a freaked out sound. As well she should, since it’s Seymour, and we know what he does to underage girls.
But it’s not Rikku that Seymour slimily greets. “Ah, the son of Jecht,” he says seductively. Well, Tightass is technically a minor. Is this the first time Seymour made the connection between Tightass and Jecht? He must have conveniently found that out between his stint as Seymour Natus and his return to his regular form. Maybe the little Mortibody dude filled him in. Tightass tells Rikku to go and fetch Auron. Hey, at least he knows who the actual leader of the group is.
Rikku whines that she doesn’t want Tightass to have to fight Seymour alone. Because a fighting team of Rikku and Tightass would be SO effective. Tightass doesn’t have time to explain this (and probably wouldn’t have a clue anyway), and orders her away. She runs off, allowing Seymour to scope out her ass.
Or as I call him, ‘Re-Jecht.’
Seymour earns some points by saying, “Now is your time to die. Prepare yourself, son of Jecht.” But before he can follow through with this promise, the rest of the group shows up. I don’t think I’ve ever been so unhappy to see them. “Lady Yuna, it is a pleasure,” Seymour slimes. I feel unclean. Lulu basically orders Yuna to send him, and Yuna starts to do so…without her staff. What the H? Why all the emphasis on the staff during the wedding scene if the damn thing is unnecessary? Stupid game designers.
Before Yuna can follow through on her staffless sending, Seymour has one final request. “Allow me to say something to the last Ronso before I leave,” he “subtly” remarks. Okay, I’ll agree that Seymour is one of the baddest bosses in the game, but come on. He managed to wipe out an entire race in the last forty minutes? What-the-fuck-ever. At least the Ronso blitzball team had to survive! Seymour describes in detail how the Ronso tried to stop him, and how he defeated them. “You could end the suffering of this poor Ronso,” Seymour finishes. Now, anyone with a brain in their head would know that Seymour is referring to death as the end of suffering. I mean, how many times did we get hit with the death mallet two recaps ago? But no, Yuna is completely oblivious to this. “I don’t understand you!” she cries out. This would explain why no one ever lists “intelligent” as one of Yuna’s finer qualities.
Seymour re-explains this concept to Yuna, and boy, am I happy to have this whole boring speech repeated! Not only that, but he starts in on the whole “Spira = spiral of death” concept again. He even repeats his plan for Yuna helping him to become Sin. Christ, we get it already. The only new aspect to this speech is, “Once I have become the next Sin, your father will be freed again.” Tightass, in a rare moment of insight, realizes that Seymour is referring to his father, and throws a whiny fit. “What do you know?” he screeches, running forward to attack. Oh, that’s a great fucking idea, dumbass.
A giant curlique thing with legs rises up from the overlook, directly behind Seymour. He does another transformation sequence, ending with him attached to the weirdass curly sword-wielding monster thingy. This is Seymour Flux, or as I call it, “God damn it, I hate fighting this fucking thing.” Seymour Flux makes some echo-y death threats before the battle begins, just so that we know what his exact motivation is in this scene.
This battle can be likened to assrape, in that that’s what happened to me the first time I fought it. My problem is that I used Tightass in battle for approximately two turns (in order to cast haste). Even though I died fifteen minutes later, I still blame Tightass’s presence. So let’s focus on the second attempt, shall we?
Once again, Seymour has a little floating death buddy (Mortiorchis) that sucks life out of him when it’s defeated. It also does annoying things such as helping Seymour to do a Zombie/Full-Life combo attack. Not to mention the ungodly annihilation move it does toward the end of the battle. Needless to say, Mortiorchis is not my friend. Don’t even make me get into the Cross Cleave attack. It makes Baby Cait Sith cry.
The key to winning this battle (for me) is not using Tightass, casting Bio on Seymour, and using aeon overdrives before Seymour gets a chance to use his one-hit-aeon-kill move. Also, the Mega-Potions I saved up prove to literally be lifesavers. This battle has some trigger commands as well, although they mostly involve Seymour being all threatening and Yuna or Kimahri being all “threatening” back. Hey, I needed the defense.
Eventually, Curlique Seymour dies in a big explosion of curly fire. My joy at beating him is completely crushed when the camera focuses on Tightass huffing and puffing and screeching, “And stay up there!” What did I do to deserve this? The camera switches to Kimahri, who may or may not be completely heartbroken over the supposed decimation of his species. It’s not like the game designers bothered to program that many facial expressions for him. Tightass rejoins the group, and they immediately start walking away. This time, Yuna stays behind, wanksting.
“He will become Sin…with my help,” she frets. Oh, for the love of… Okay, Yuna doesn’t yet know how the whole Sin thing works, so I’ll give her that. Still, why in the hell would she buy Seymour’s delusional garbage? Even if she had her “Hey, does this guy know something I don’t?” type of doubts, it doesn’t make sense for her to totally believe in something so crazy without any evidence. Unless….Yuna really isn’t as strong as we’ve been led to believe. No!
Since Auron has a brain, he tells her that Seymour is full of shit and that she should just ignore his crazy pedophile ass. “If he becomes Sin, Sir Jecht will be saved,” Yuna lobotomizes. Auron practically facepalms before he announces that they’re leaving. “You know something! Tell me!” Yuna demands. Auron stands there for a long while, rolling his eyes behind his shades. Yuna then runs up to the least knowledgeable person in the party and repeats, “Tell me!”
Finally, Tightass admits that Sin is his “old man.” Wakka is all, “Have you been into my stash?!” “I don’t know how or why he did it,” Tightass says. He then proceeds to utter the most terrifying words thus far: “I felt him, inside. And when I did, I knew it was true.” No. No no no no no no. Just, no. The mental image just won’t go away! “My old man is Spira’s suffering,” Tightass finishes. Like father, like son, as they say.
Yes, but is Sin his old man?
After Tightass apologizes for the havoc and death that his dad has spread throughout the world, Yuna explains in tiny words that she must fight Sin, no matter what. She assumes that Tightass would be depressed or something about his dad dying, but Tightass quickly disabuses her of that notion. He hates his dad, remember? I think it speaks to some pretty big issues on Tightass’s part that he’s not too upset over having to kill his dad. Even if he supports his statement with, “I think my old man would want that.” Lulu is all, “Wait, you want to fight your dad?!” as if she just missed that part of the conversation while checking out Wakka’s pecs. “Yeah. No problem there,” Tightass replies.
Wakka takes this opportunity to make this all about him. He makes the connection between “Sin = Jecht” and “Sin killed wankery brother.” Rather than dealing with this like a mature adult, he chooses to stick his head up his ass and pretend he never found it out. “Why’d all this have to happen?” he whines. Auron wearily tells him that they’ll find out all the answers near the end of the game soon.
As they pass onto the next screen, Yuna breathes “Wow!” and triggers an FMV. To a background of ethereal vocal sounds, the camera pans over a giant rock wall painted with symbols. But that’s not all! A bunch of dead people are embedded in the wall, with various body parts sticking out. Don’t worry — all the naughty bits are covered. Well, I’m just assuming, anyway. A sheet of what looks like glowing water cascades over the Wall of Death, as well as a giant phallic spike that Tightass examines for way too long. Wakka’s drug-addled brain can’t process this, so Yuna has to explain that the dead bodies are fayth. Hell, even I figured that one out.
Yuna quickly discovers that someone is using the Wall of Death to summon something huge. Gosh, I wonder what that could be? Everyone is shocked, SHOCKED! at this gigantic use of resources. Suddenly, Rikku runs over to Auron and orders him to “spill the beans,” as he obviously knows what is going on. After he finishes laughing his ass off at the thought of a 15-year-old girl telling him what’s what, he snidely responds, “Look not to others for knowledge. This is your journey, too. Besides, it says in the script that someone else gets to cover this particular plot point.” Rikku whines about Yuna dying, which prompts Tightass to tell her that Auron’s right. Wait…what? Did Tightass just say something smart? He ruins the moment by wanking, “This is our…This is my story.” Yes, I’m sure that everyone is so happy to hear that this is all about you. Dillhole.