Another short distance away, past some more broken machina, Kimahri fruitlessly attempts — over and over — to climb one of the numerous dunes. He’s sad because Yuna is gone. “It’s not your fault, Kimahri,” Tightass assures him. Oh, I bet that makes him feel a lot better, coming from Mr. Stupidpants himself. Kimahri joins the group and they’re off to find their last two party members. I realize that Auron and Lulu were not looking extremely hard for the others, seeing as some of them were in the immediate vicinity. Maybe Auron and Lulu were doing it.
Auron gets raped in battle by a tiny green cactus. God damn it. I consider bringing Tightass into battle so that I can see the beauty of him losing 10000 HP, but then I realize that I would have to look at him, and that’s no good. Thus far, the random battles have mainly consisted of small creatures, the palette-swapped versions of which we’ve seen before. However, as soon as the group turns the corner, they get ambushed by a giant, drooling sandworm. Luckily, Auron’s limit break banishes it, but still — that was scary.
Holy freakin’ crap!
Just past that point, the party encounters Rikku. She asks about Yuna, too. Okay, I realize she’s the summoner and they’re the guardians and everything, but can we maybe shut up about her for a while? Tightass tells Rikku the “bad news” about Yuna, and then Lulu slips into an uncharacteristically whiny mode as she says, “Gone…Some guardian I am.” Right, because none of the other five guardians lost her either. Also, since Yuna is the only one missing at this point, I’m guessing that finding her is going to be a stupid epic rescue quest. Because if — God forbid — any other character besides the female lead had to be rescued, then the world would start spinning backward and the entire universe would implode.
“There something I want to tell you, but promise not to say anything,” Rikku says. This precedes a horrifying close-up of Wakka looking pissed off. “No glaring either!” she orders. She tells them that she knows where they are — Bikanel Island. The map pops up, showing a dotted line from Lake Macalania to their current location. It appears to cross a fairly large expanse of ocean, making it seem rather ridiculous that Sin could have brought them there via the water, which is obviously what the game designers are implying happened. Rikku explains that the Al Bhed live on the island, in a place they creatively named “Home.” She surmises that the Al Bhed must have rescued Yuna and brought her there. “Rescued? You mean kidnapped!” Wakka dorks. Tightass gets pissed off at his juvenile behavior and says that it doesn’t matter, as long as Yuna is safe. Rikku says that she’ll only show them the way to Home as long as they promise not to tell anyone, especially Yevonites. “Who knows what they’ll do if they knew?” she finishes. Of course this pisses Wakka off, even though it’s completely true. “Gimme a break. What are you accusing Yevon of this time?” he whines. Rikku explains that Yevon pulled some pretty bad shit on them before, causing Wakka to snap that they probably deserved it. Tightass gets even more irritated at Wakka, as do the rest of us. Rikku and Tightass finally talk Wakka into promising not to reveal the location of the Al Bhed, and I don’t even need to point out that he’s a complete dickhole about it.
Just die, Wakka.
Tightass and the others follow Rikku through the monotonous desert. Rikku displays yet another hidden but completely specialized talent — she can destroy machina that attack them. Apparently this only works with small machina and not, say, the boss they fought before. How great for me. When Rikku becomes useless a short time later, following Tightass instead of leading, I consult my handy dandy players guide to get through this stupid area. Yeah, I know it’s really hard to follow the blinking red arrow, but I’m just trying to get there faster so I have more to recap.
At one point, there is a sign that says “Stronger fiend to the left. Weaker fiend to the right.” Since my characters are pretty pumped (well, except for Tightass, but who cares about him), I decide to go to the left. I don’t notice any particularly difficult fiends, so maybe I went the wrong way. Of course, there are those stupid plants in the sand pits that like to cast Confuse on Auron. Why couldn’t they cast it on someone whose physical skills are completely worthless, like Lulu or Tightass? No, that would mean that luck is on my side, and we know that’s not true.
After fighting a couple of the annoying plant monsters, I skip the rest of the goodies I can get in the area and push on. As Rikku crests the next hill, she says that Home is just ahead. Then she screams. Because, as you may have guessed, Home is under attack. It’s all burning and stuff, and there’s the sound of gunfire and shit blowing up. It’s fairly obvious that this was about to happen because Rikku is the only character without some kind of negative backstory thus far (unless you count the whole Thunder incident — which I don’t). Therefore, something shitty had to happen to her and/or her loved ones. Wakka and Lulu aren’t concerned about Rikku, however. Nope, it’s all about Yuna.
The next scene shows a bunch of random Al Bhed being attacked by various fiends that we’ve seen around the desert and other areas. Tightass and the others run straight into the chaotic scene, as Wakka demands to know where Yuna is. The Al Bhed can’t understand you, you stupid dolt. Nearby, a random guy falls over, mortally wounded, and it turns out to be someone that Rikku knows, of course. This is supposed to be all tragic and sad, but since I’ve never seen this dude before…well, I can’t really bring myself to care. He tells Rikku that they are being attacked by Yevon/the Guado, and Lulu muses that there’s a war going on between Yevon and the Al Bhed. Just then, another guy shows up, and in Al Bhed, tells her that she’s got it all wrong. “Guado go for the summoner,” he explains…still in Al Bhed. That’s helpful to everyone else there, I’m sure. Rikku calls him “Father,” so I’m guessing that this is Rikku’s dad. I’m so brilliant. He leans over the dead guy (Keyakku), Rikku looks all sad, and then Rikku’s dad tells Tightass and the others to quit standing there picking their asses. “Let’s go kick those Guado out of our Home!” God damn assraping Guado.
I would like to note that in the background of this entire part of the game, there is some guy on an intercom or something repeating what sounds like, “I’m annoying, huh?” over and over and over. First of all, yes, it is annoying, thanks for asking. Second, what the hell?
Tightass asks Rikku who that (live) guy was, and she explains that he’s Cid, the leader of the Al Bhed. Obviously, as we’ve already figured out, he’s her dad. Also, she’s Yuna’s cousin, for those of you who remember stuff that has been previously mentioned, like Yuna’s mom being Cid’s sister. Now that we have all this pesky exposition out of the way, the group heads off to kick some Guado ass. Luckily, there’s a save point amidst all the fiery destruction.
Home is, to the chagrin of old school fanboys everywhere, a technologically advanced compound. That means lots of metal walkways and automatic doors. As the group proceeds to the center of one of the rooms, they are ambushed by a group of bombs…and a Guado. All of you know how much I just love fighting against bombs, with all their extraneous swelling animation. Unfortunately, Yuna isn’t there with Ifrit, so I’m stuck with all these non-fireproof characters. Crap.
After some pointless dialogue about how much this sucks, Rikku leads the group through one of the doors. Cid talks to Rikku over the intercom system, and tells her to get underground because he’s leveling the place. Rikku repeats this bit of information to the others, causing Auron to pissily ask where Yuna is. She’s somewhere called the “Summoners’ Sanctum,” according to Rikku. That sounds like the name of a shittily pretentious website. That’s the cue for another monster to attack. This is just lovely.
Afterward, Rikku heads down the stairs and everyone but Tightass follows her. I fantasize about leaving Tightass there until Cid blows the place up, causing him to die. Unfortunately, this is one of those instances in which we have all the time in the world, despite what the plot says. Damn you, game designers. I make Tightass go down the stairs and end up in a central area with several branching passageways. I skip all the goodies I can get in various, monster-infested rooms and move right on ahead to the cutscene.
Tightass rejoins the others in the next room, on a walkway with some more stairs leading to the lower level. The camera pans extra slowly around, allowing us to savor the endless “I’m annoying, huh?” chant. Everyone is all somber, because this is a Big Sad Moment. Wakka makes a grammatically incorrect statement of the obvious: “This place done for.” I’m not sure if he’s trying to be a jerk or not. For once, it seems like he’s not. Color me surprised. Rikku sadly says that he’s right. “We Al Bhed, we…we weren’t always like this.” She takes this opportunity to exposit like mad regarding the Al Bhed. Sin destroyed their former home, and all the Al Bhed were separated. Rikku’s dad brought them together again and they all built a new Home. “But now…Why did things have to turn out this way?” Because the Guado are a bunch of sodomizing asshats, that’s why. Also, it’s an RPG — bad shit is supposed to happen to everyone.
This touching scene is really enhanced by the lovely monster crotch in the foreground.
“Rikku…” Wakka says, finally not being an asswipe. Rikku buries her face in his chest. Weirdo fanfiction authors interpret this as Wakka and Rikku wanting to do it with each other. Meanwhile, a voyeuristic monster watches this scene with interest. Wakka is exceptionally pissed off at the Guado now. I guess he did his personality 180. Maybe he’ll stop being so annoying now. God, I hope so. I bet I’m wrong, though.
The pervy fiends attack because everyone was standing around being sappy instead of getting their asses below ground. God damn it. These fiends are particularly difficult, too, or maybe I just suck. Nah, that couldn’t be it. The battle completed, the party heads down to the next landing. Again, I get to make Tightass follow. Now I just feel like the game designers are mocking me by forcing me to let Tightass live. Tightass walks down the stairs, triggering yet another cutscene. Lulu asks Rikku what the Summoners’ Sanctum is. “The Summoners’ Sanctum is where we keep the summoners. We keep them safe there,” she explains. “You kidnapped them,” Wakka replies, disappointed. Rikku says that she knows it goes against the teachings. Wakka responds, “I know why you did it, but…” This is where Tightass pipes up, proving his extreme ignorance once again. He says he doesn’t get it, which is such a shock to everyone who’s ever had to deal with him. He still hasn’t figured out that summoners die after they defeat Sin, and that the Al Bhed have chosen to protect them from this fate. He is so, so dumb. “They might get hurt on their pilgrimage so you kidnap them? I mean, if the summoners don’t do their job, then who will beat Sin? You want to protect them, I know. But guardians are there for that.” God, he thinks he’s so smart. I hope this is all leading up to him realizing just how stupid he is. Please, please make my dreams come true. “If guardians do their job well, then summoners will be safe,” he continues. Cue White Flash and Explosive Sound of Drama. “Right?” Tightass says as Wakka stares sadly to the left of the camera. Another White Flash and Explosive Sound of Drama, this time showing Rikku and Kimahri. Oh, this is so artsy and deep. “Right?” Tightass asks again, sounding a tad peeved. No one says anything. Finally, Kimahri steps forward and announces, “It’s quiet. Kimahri goes now.” He heads down the stairs, away from the wankery.
The Sad Piano Solo of Wankst begins playing as we see each of the characters (except for Tightass) proceed down the stairs in slow motion. I don’t know if the game designers made this scene extra dramatic and cheesy in order to lead up to the Big Revelation, but it’s kind of silly, as the rest of us have already figured it out. Like, twelve or so hours ago. Rikku stares at Tightass for a long-ass time before finally running down the stairs. The camera zooms in on Tightass’s face. He looks as confused as Rinoa upon finding her boyfriend’s stash of homoerotic porn.
I gain control of Tightass and follow the party down the stairs, pausing to collect some goodies out of nearby treasure chests before heading into the sanctum. The Sad Piano finally stops, but Mr. I’m Annoying, Huh? follows them into the room. Rikku is horrified to find Al Bhed bodies scattered everywhere, but Kimahri is only concerned about Yuna. “She’s not here,” says a familiar “friend”. It’s Thonga. Gay Ponytail Man is there, too, along with his lovers brothers guardians. Obviously Barthello is not there, as he was running around the forest looking for Thonga earlier. I’m curious as to why GPM ended up with his guardians. My theory is that he begged the Al Bhed to let Maroda come along so he could have some…um…”company”. I don’t even want to know why Pacce is there, then.
Since the Al Bhed in the room all died saving the summoners, Thonga and GPM are determined to give them a proper sending. Well, that’s just too nice of them. They tell everyone to stand back, and amusingly, Auron is crammed way back in the corner, as far away as he can get. It would really suck to have him accidentally sent at this point, thereby eliminating my best character. Although I wouldn’t put it past the game designers, as they seem to dislike me a whole lot.