At the end of the battle, the big blue beast is lying on the ice, presumably dead. The next time the camera swings over that way, though, the monster is on its feet. Sure, that makes sense. Even though I kicked its ass a few seconds earlier, the monster jumps in the air and lands on the ice again, cracking it. The screen goes white for a full thirty seconds, and we hear some echo-y sounds and the Hymn of the Fayth in the background. When the scene fades back in and the camera swerves through what looks like cloudy water, Tightass spews out what must be some of the most horrible Wankese thus far: “‘Praise be to Yevon.’ That’s what I would have said, if I was a follower of Yevon.” It’s things like this that make me lose all faith in humanity. It’s like saying “‘Yuna is a man.’ That’s what I would have said, if Yuna was a man.” Good God. Anyway, Tightass wanks on about how they all survived the fall. Unfortunately, in Tightass and Wakka’s cases.

Tightass stands up to find himself calf-deep in water. The group is standing in what looks like the ruins of a city. I’m not sure how there can be ice up above, and water covering only a couple feet of the lake bottom. It doesn’t seem like that would work. Tightass talks to Auron. “What now, I wonder?” Auron says. Tightass takes exception to this. “You act first and think later, don’t you?” he whines, as if he has any right at all to criticize Auron. Also: what the fuck? “I mean, can’t you be a little more responsible? We’re all depending on you. You know?” I hate Tightass with every fiber of my being. Hello! Remember all those Guado that were about to buttrape you, you little shit? What the hell did you expect Auron to do, bend over? And why is Tightass of all people telling Auron what he should and shouldn’t do? I wish Auron didn’t have so much restraint — Tightass would be in little bloody pieces all over the lake floor otherwise. Auron’s only response to this idiotic wanking is: “A lecture?” And he doesn’t sound a bit pleased. Tightass seems to read Auron’s murderous thoughts, and quickly backpedals. “No, no, no. Just a suggestion.” Auron has some words for Tightass, and unfortunately, those words aren’t “DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!” Instead, he tells Tightass that it’s good to trust his friends, “But you can’t expect someone to protect you all the time. You would do well to remember that.” In other words: shut up, asshole. “Is that a lecture?” Tightass wonders snarkily. “It’s advice,” Auron responds. The self-control that man has is truly astounding.

Next, Tightass talks to Lulu. “We’re under the lake ice, aren’t we?” she asks. No, you fell straight down from the lake and ended up in the woods. I can have Tightass answer “Maybe” or “Who knows?” as if those are extremely different choices. I choose the first one. Lulu looks up and the camera follows her gaze. There’s something that looks like a murky blob up above. According to Lulu, it’s the bottom of the temple. I guess I’ll take her word for it. “We’ve fallen a long way,” she Einsteins. Talking to her further causes her to completely change the subject. “So now we’re the traitors that killed a maester,” she muses. I bet Yuna and her friends didn’t expect that when they started their journey.

Dear God. Why?

I’m sure that Wakka is around someplace, but I decide that I’m not going to talk to him because he’s a big buttwipe. I’m already seething with Tightass hate; any more negative feelings, and I’m afraid I’ll unwittingly open up a portal to an evil parallel universe or something. So I have Tightass go and talk to Rikku instead. Yuna is lying nearby on a slab of rock. “I’m sure Yunie’s okay. She’s breathing fine and all,” Rikku says. First of all: Yunie? Secondly, it would have to be Yuna who was knocked out from the fall. Rikku asks how Lulu and Wakka are doing. Tightass says that Wakka is in shock. How the hell does he know that? Stupid game designers. I try to avoid any mention of Wakka, and they still manage to thwart me. “And Lulu, well, she’s just the same as always,” Tightass continues. “She’s so together. All grown up, I guess,” Rikku comments. Rikku rubs her boobs and smacks her ass, telling Tightass to give her another five or six years. More spank material for the fanboys. Why, God? Thankfully, Tightass backs away and changes the subject. He asks Kimahri how the hell they’re going to get out of the lake. Rikku flies into a rage, chastising Tightass for changing the subject. “We climb,” Kimahri replies to Tightass. Rikku gets pissy at Kimahri, too. “Only those who try will become,” Kimahri says, repeating what he read once in a fortune cookie. Rikku has a Tightass moment: “Huh?” Then Tightass has to explain Kimahri’s words to her. Is this like Bizarro World? Tightass says, “I think he means you have to work hard if you want to be like Lulu.” Yeah, you have to work hard enough to earn the money for a boob job.

Rikku is pleased at this, and insists that she’ll start saving up right away. “Kimahri think Rikku should stay Rikku,” Kimahri comments, causing all the fanboys of underage girls to sigh in relief. Rikku gets mad again, thinking that Kimahri is telling her she’ll never be like Lulu. This has to be the most pointless conversation ever. To top off my irritation, Tightass laughs like a brain-damaged pig. As if my life couldn’t get any worse at this point, Wakka shows himself and demands to know how they can laugh when their situation sucks so much ass. Whereas I would be just as happy to never hear Tightass laugh again, I have to tell Wakka to shut up. Right then, Yuna wakes up, moaning wankily.

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The camera fades out and back in on Yuna addressing her guardians. She explains that she intended to confront Seymour regarding what she saw in the sphere. “I wanted to convince him to turn himself in to Yevon’s judgement,” she continues. Lulu asks if Yuna intended to marry Seymour in exchange for him giving himself up. Yuna responds in the affirmative. So she thought she’d brave pointy Guado sex in exchange for something she could have gotten from simply showing the sphere to the proper authorities? She really is dumb. Tightass asks how Seymour responded. “He didn’t say anything. Now…now I don’t even think it was worth it,” Yuna whines. She says that she should have told her plans to the others. “Enough,” Auron cuts her off. “Dwelling in the past is futile.” He’s extremely sick of Yuna’s self-pitying shit. Rikku gets a bug up her butt about Auron’s comments. “You want to waste time listening to her regrets?” he asks angrily. He wants to know if Yuna intends to continue her pilgrimage. She does, but she wonders if Yevon will allow her to continue. “The fayth are the ones that give power to the summoners,” Auron responds. “Not the temples or the teachings. If the temples try to stop us…then we will defy Yevon if we must.” Tightass and Rikku, the two people who have the least invested in whether or not Auron follows the teachings, are the most shocked at his statement. Whatever.

Wakka refuses to go along with this. “We have to atone, to make up for the sins we have committed,” he brainlessly recites. How, how is it possible for me to hate him even more than I already did? He adds that he never liked Seymour, especially since he killed his dad and, you know, tried to kill Yuna and her guardians as well. That’s mighty big of you, Wakka. Of course, he did a lot of asskissing of Seymour up to this point, and that makes his words highly suspect. “But still, we have transgressed and must face our punishment,” Lulu says. Et tu, Lulu? Yuna announces that they’ll go to Bevelle and tell Maester Mika what happened. Wakka and Lulu agree with her. Somehow, I don’t think this is such a wise plan. Call me psychic. “Sir Auron…” Yuna says. “So it is decided,” Auron replies, sounding peeved. Yuna wonders if Auron is coming with them. “I am the troublemaker, after all,” he says sarcastically. “Yeah, that’s right!” Tightass stupidly agrees. “You can always count on Auron to complicate things!” I wonder what I did to piss off God. “Yeah! Kimahri roars, and Auron runs off, and…” Rikku says. You know, I’m not sure why Auron even agreed to go along with these assholes. This was his big chance to get away from the Merry Band of Wankers. Maybe their presence makes him feel extremely cool in comparison or something. “I never asked you to follow me,” Auron says. “Hey, but that’s what friends are for,” Tightass replies. He seems to be unaware that he’s most definitely not Auron’s friend. Rikku agrees with Tightass, but she doesn’t look all that certain about it. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she was having second thoughts about being Tightass’s friend.

Yuna walks toward Tightass, puts her hand over her heart, and says, “Thank you.” For what? What the fuck did Tightass do? Okay, that’s it. This whole group — except for Auron — is on timeout. Rikku goes, “Friends, huh?” as the camera pans up to show the underside of the lake ice. I hear Tightass’s horrific wanky laughter again, along with Wakka bitching about everyone acting like nothing is wrong. Lulu tells him to calm down, and I try to take those words to heart.

I refuse to recap any more at the moment because it’s hard to concentrate when I’m repeatedly banging my head against the desk. Join me next time when this group of dumbasses finds their way out of the pit — even though I’d be just as happy if they rotted down there. See you in part 14!