Rin inquires after Tightass’s Al Bhed language studies. Tightass doesn’t respond that he cheated and loaded data from a completed game; instead, he simply says, “Okay.” This prompts Rin to give him an Al Bhed primer. Sucker! “Would that be Sir Auron, by any chance,” Rin wonders, directing his attention to our favorite red-coated badass in the corner. Tightass answers in the affirmative, and Rin says, “I’ve been wondering since I saw him at the Mi’ihen Highroad branch.” The continuity police would be pleased. With this confirmation, Rin goes over to speak to Auron. “I wonder if you remember me?” Rin asks him. “Ten years ago? At the beginning of Lord Braska’s Calm?” Auron says he does, and he thanks Rin for whatever happened between them at the time. Rin says that he wasn’t going to leave Auron to die back then. “However, I was surprised when I saw you gone the next morning, with that wound. An ordinary man would not have been able to walk.” Auron politely tells Rin that he doesn’t wish to discuss it. He’s probably worried that the large plot twist mallets whacking everyone on the head might clue them into the fact that he is deceased. This group is way too dumb to pick up on something that obvious, though, so Auron has nothing to fear.

Rin also tells Tightass that the Guado are telling everyone and their brother about the upcoming nuptials. I find it funny that the game designers have finally decided to explain how the NPCs find out the information as soon as the main characters do.

All dialogue options exhausted, Tightass makes his stupid way to Yuna’s room. He hears what sounds like a man’s voice coming from inside. Obviously thinking that Yuna has a side business to the whole summoner thing, he tries to score some vicarious action by peeking in the door. If his idiotic noises weren’t enough to tip Yuna off that he is stalking her, the fact that he loses his balance and flips head over heels into her room is a dead giveaway. Yuna freaks, as would anyone who just witnessed Tightass barging into their room, and hurriedly shuts off a sphere of what looks like Lord Jyscal. Busted! After Tightass and Yuna stammer stupidly for way too long, Tightass asks about the Jyscal sphere. Yuna nods and responds, “The sphere is his will…It says, ‘Take care of my son.'” I don’t want to think about that request. After another long pause, Tightass wonders, “His son…? Seymour…?” NO! As if this scene couldn’t get any more lame or disturbing, Tightass suggestively says, “Well, I know one way to take care of him.” Yuna apologizes and then runs out of the room, presumably to vomit. “Huh?” Tightass wonders. God.

The stuff of nightmares.

Tightass sneaks over to the table where the sphere sits, but before he can activate it, Wakka enters the room, grabs him, and shoves Tightass’s head in his crotch. Tightass screams, of course, and so do I. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m just like Tightass. Wakka demands to know what Tightass is doing. “Yuna…Yuna was acting funny, s-so…” he shrieks between mouthfuls. Wakka commands Tightass to “hold [his] chocobos” until Yuna is ready to tell them what’s going on, and I cry tears of pain. Cue Tightass snoring to make my misery complete.

Heh heh…he said ‘butt’…heh heh

The next morning, Rikku is still whining, and everyone else is still irritated, particularly Auron. Once again, he unkindly suggests that she stay behind. “You didn’t have to say it like that, you know,” Rikku complains to Auron after he already left the inn. “You could be more comforting or something! You know, try to cheer me up? You just don’t get me at all, do you? Hey! Are you listening!” Rikku has obviously not gotten the hint that Auron, as a 35-year-old warrior, is not interested in “comforting” or “cheering up” a 15-year-old in any way. Finally, Rikku manages to convince herself that she’s not scared, and walks out of the inn.

Outside, we witness what might just be the most pointless scene ever. Some random loser runs up to the party, snaps a picture of them, and then runs off into the distance. It’s time to put down that crackpipe, game designers.

Part two of the Thunder Plains continues exactly the same way as part one, which makes it unbearably exciting for me to recap, as you might imagine. Luckily for me, however, Yuna decides to stop for another cutscene, as she has an announcement to make. Lulu and Rikku wonder why the hell she wants to stop in the middle of the Thunder Plains for it. Yuna insists that she has to tell them RIGHT NOW, by Yevon. That’s when Auron suggests that they stop beneath a sheltered area just a few feet away. Way to go, Yuna.

If you’ve been paying attention, you might have noticed that we’ve made it a long way without any Wankese. I was actually hoping that this might be my first Wankese-free recap, but alas, it was not to be. “Somehow, my bad feelings always come true,” Tightass wankovers. Yuna pauses dramatically before announcing that she’s decided to ride Seymour’s wild baloney pony, aka marry him. She sounds extremely depressed, as I would expect. Lulu says, “I thought so,” in a tone very like despair. Wakka demands to know why Yuna changed her mind. But she didn’t make a decision before this point, so how could she change her mind? Stop smoking that blitzbong, Wakka! “For Spira’s future…and Yevon’s unity,” Yuna replies morosely. “I thought it would be the best thing to do.” But she’ll have to…okay, I won’t say it anymore.

Auron is not pleased with her reasoning. Lulu wonders if it has to do with Jyscal, which causes Tightass to — surprisingly — put two and two together and mention the sphere. This sets Auron off even more. He strides over to Yuna and demands that she show him the sphere. Yuna brushes him off by saying that it is a “personal matter.” I’m not going to explore the implications of that, and Auron doesn’t want to either. “Just one thing,” he says after turning away. Yuna insists that she will continue her pilgrimage. “Then it is…fine,” Auron replies, not sounding like he’s the least bit okay with it.

This is when things get even more disturbing. Tightass grabs Auron’s chest and whines,”You don’t care? I mean, you’re not going to stop her?” Auron explains that as long as Yuna intends to defeat Sin, she can do whatever the hell else she wants, as is a “summoner’s privilege.” Wakka and Lulu nod in confirmation, and Tightass runs his hands down Auron’s chest, causing me to lose my dinner.

Everyone stands around, looking defeated. Wakka again wonders what the hell Yuna is doing, and why she can’t just talk to Seymour instead of screwing marrying him. Yuna reiterates that she believes she’s doing the right thing. All right, already. Rikku runs forward, crying out, “Yunie,” as she grabs Yuna by the shoulders. Fanboys all swoon as Yuna puts her hand on Rikku’s and assures her cousin that she’ll be fine. “She says, ‘I’m sorry.’ He says, ‘It’s fine.'” Tightass Wankeses again. “She’s ‘willing’ to face Sin. She’s ‘privileged.’ I didn’t understand. But somehow, I felt like I didn’t belong.” Captain Obvious has entered the building. Tightass wanks some more about how he would be all alone without them, and he doesn’t want to be alone in Spira, as if this is some huge revelation.

Luckily, Auron ends the Wankese flood by announcing their next destination — Macalania Temple. He also explains that Yuna will talk to Seymour there. I…can’t wait.

Finally, the crew reaches the end of the godawfully long Thunder Plains, and finds themselves in Macalania forest. It’s not like a normal forest, of course — it’s all blue and crystally. Rikku enters ahead of the others and looks relieved to be out of the Thunder Plains. So am I. Everyone except Auron and Tightass continues on, but Auron has something to say to the idiot. The two of them discuss Yuna’s behavior. Tightass demands to know what Yuna is thinking, and to be honest, I’m wondering that, too. Yet again I am similar to Tightass. I contemplate suicide. “The simplest answer would be…in exchange for agreeing to marry him…she hopes to negotiate with Seymour.” Neither of them knows just what she hopes to negotiate, but Auron comments, “She’s strong, but Seymour is the better negotiator.” Yes, but he usually uses candy and ice cream to get his way. Tightass wants to help Yuna, but Auron points out that she doesn’t want their help. “I just don’t get it!” Tightass whines. “Doesn’t she trust us?” “On the contrary…” Auron responds. “She doesn’t want us caught up in whatever it is she’s planning.” “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Tightass bluffs. Whatever.

Tightass still doesn’t get why Yuna won’t tell them what’s going on. This is getting tedious. Imagine that. “She’s naïve, serious to a fault, and doesn’t ask for help,” Auron explains, since Tightass apparently doesn’t know a thing about the girl he’s in love with. Oh wait, she’s hot — that’s all he needs to know. “Yuna’s easy to read,” Auron comments. Tightass agrees, despite the fact that he just had to have Auron explain Yuna to him not thirty seconds before. “But hard to guard,” Auron continues, walking away. He tells Tightass to stay near Yuna. Like, duh. But then again, this is Tightass we’re talking about.

Auron and Tightass rejoin the others, as Rikku taunts, “Slowpokes!” Then we’re treated to some more stinking Wankese. “It’s funny how calm I was.” Um, what? He was freaking out pretty badly when he was groping Auron’s chest back on the plains. “Maybe it was because I’d realized that Yuna wasn’t marrying Seymour for love. Not really.” He blabs on about it being her duty, and also, “I realized that Yuna and I’d never… You know…” I am so glad he didn’t finish that sentence.

With that, the map informs us of what we already knew, of course — the group’s headed for Macalania temple. A conveniently placed save point allows me to take a break from all this depressing Yuna-marrying-Seymour talk. Excuse me while I go take a scalding hot shower and scrub myself with a wire brush.