Tightass, looking across the dark expanse of land filled with towers and flashes of lightning, wants to know how the hell they’re going to cross it. I have an idea, and it involves Tightass being the tallest object in any given area. Lulu, unfortunately, has a different plan. She points out the towers scattered across the plains. “The lightning is drawn to them…hopefully,” she finishes ominously, giving me hope that perhaps Tightass will meet a burningly painful death. Basically, the group is supposed to stay close to the towers and avoid wide open areas. Well, no shit, Sherlock.
Wait, Rikku has an ass?
Because she’s a big wuss , Rikku lies that she left something back in Guadosalam. “Nice knowing you,” Auron scoffs. Yes, it’s totally obvious that he wants her. How could I not see that before? This dismissal somehow convinces Rikku to go along. Whatever.
After that, a little text box pops up on the screen. It reads, “Lightning can strike Tightass on the Gandof Thunder Plains.” I suddenly feel as if all my dreams have come true at once. The “tutorial” continues, even going so far as to show Tightass getting struck by lightning. I cry tears of joy. I also learn that I can either press X or hide under the towers to avoid the lightning, but where’s the fun in that?
GOD YES!
I regain control of Tightass and begin the perilous journey across the Gandof (aka Gandalf) Thunder Plains. Of course I don’t take any of this crap advice about staying close to the towers. Unfortunately, I run into a stupid random battle before I get to see Tightass hit by lightning. Shit.
The creatures on the Thunder plains are proficient in the use of — wait for it — Thunder spells. Well, golly gee, that must have taken a lot of creative thinking on the part of the game designers. Also, there are about 50,356,436,705 random battles every few steps. That doesn’t stop me from repeatedly allowing Tightass to get struck by lightning. Unfortunately, it doesn’t kill him, but I can imagine him suffering greatly, and that will have to suffice. For now.
At last Tightass catches up with our favorite old guy. Nope, not Auron — I’m talking about Exposition!Man, of course. He offers to share his knowledge of the Thunder Plains, and I decide that I can take a break from Tightass electrocution in order to hear about what E!M terms “The Crossing.” A long time ago, the Thunder Plains were even more of a bitch to travel across. In order to illustrate this hard-to-grasp concept, E!M recites a descriptive poem: “Plains of lightning, plains of thunder, those who cross are torn asunder.” Then some guy named Bilghen had the brilliant idea to build the towers, using machina, of course. As he was building one of the towers, he got his ass killed by lightning. And because he was an Al Bhed, his name is not found in the history books of Spira. That’ll teach Bilghen to do anything nice for those damn Yevonites.
With that extremely relevant (except not really) information, the journey across the Thunder Plains continues. There are glowing Qactuar stones randomly placed about the area, and those of you who are extremely clever might note that “Qactuar” sounds an awful lot like “Cactuar.” Oh, those wily game designers, being all creative and stuff. Tightass can pray to these stones, and like you would expect, this has something to do with unlocking Kimahri’s ultimate weapon. Isn’t that nice of the game designers to make everything in this game so logical? Since I don’t really care about getting Kimahri’s stupid weapon (not that I’m bitter about the butterfly game or anything), I move on.
Tightass and the others meet up with Shelinda a short distance away. I know — what are the chances of meeting up with E!M and Shelinda on a random-battle-infested path? What wacky curveball will those game designers throw us next? Shelinda bubbles with excitement (no, don’t picture that) as she repeats the rumor that she heard regarding Yuna marrying Seymour. Of course, being the proper young religious fanatic that she is, it probably hasn’t entered her mind that Yuna would actually have to have sex with Seymour. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating, if only to show how disturbing it is that people are joyous over the whole union. What is wrong with Spira?
Tightass wants to know where Shelinda picked up that rumor. It turns out the Guado are spreading it, not unlike some horrible disease. Dumbass McOveralls rains on Shelinda’s parade by saying that Yuna is going to reject Seymour’s disgusting proposal. Of course, as we know, Yuna hasn’t said anything one way or the other because the game designers are “subtly” trying to keep us in suspense. Shelinda wants to know if he’s telling the truth, and this is when I get the chance to have Tightass say “Yep! No wedding!” or “Just kidding!” I have him choose the latter. That crafty Tightass! And by “crafty”, I mean “moronic.” Shelinda gets pissy that he would joke around about her precious pedophile. Wait, what was the point of that scene?
Excitement over a disturbing couple? Must be a bad fanfic writer.
The party reaches a tower just in time to observe a lightning strike. Tightass and Rikku scream, and Wakka marvels at how close that one came to hitting them. It’s almost as if they (or at least Tightass) have not been repeatedly struck by lightning the entire way across the plains. Rikku starts laughing in an unsettling manner, and Tightass whines, “You’re giving me the creeps!” Turnabout’s fair play, dickhole. And never mind that they’ve come all this way without incident — now Rikku starts freaking out again. As the camera zooms up her ass, she scuttles forward and starts humping Tightass’s leg. She begs them to stop at an inn that just happens to be a short distance away. Auron remarks, “This storm never stops. Better to cross quickly.” That doesn’t stop Rikku from begging some more. And not for some hot lovin’, despite what fanfiction writers might say.
The camera fades out and back in, and suddenly everyone is directly outside the door of the inn. Everyone except Rikku and Tightass continues along the path. Meanwhile, Rikku does everything in her power to be as annoying as possible as she repeatedly says stupid shit like, “I’m too young to die!” and “Your moms would be ashamed of you!” Never mind that everyone’s moms are dead. Every time Tightass talks to Rikku, she spouts another phrase, and the rest of the party stops and turns back to look at her before continuing on. This happens several times, even after the party is offscreen, in which case, they run back onscreen, stop, and look at Rikku again. It looks so completely natural.
Finally, Auron gets fed up with Rikku and grouches, “Fine, we rest. She’s worse than the storm.” Rikku has evidentally learned the same persistent annoyance tactic as my dog. Inside the inn, Yuna shatners, “I’m…a little tired,” and checks into a room. Wakka and Lulu seem concerned about Yuna’s behavior, but they don’t actually do anything about it.
Meanwhile, Rikku relates the reason why she’s such a big chicken around lightning and thunder. When she was younger, a fiend attacked her while she was swimming. Her brother, trying to cast a spell on it, fucked up and hit Rikku instead. This makes me wonder why Lulu can’t hit Tightass with a big ol’ Thunder spell, but then I remember that the game designers hate me. Lulu suggests that Rikku learn some black magic of her own, as if Rikku is really close to Lulu’s portion of the sphere grid at this point.
Who should enter at this point, but our good buddy Rin. Right away he spots Rikku and goes, “Oh?” Rikku shushes him because, you know, she doesn’t want Wakka to know she’s an Al Bhed. Whew. Crisis averted.
Tightass talks to Lulu some more, and she wonders if Yuna’s withdrawn behavior has to do with Jyscal. Or maybe Yuna just realized that marriage to Seymour means that she’ll have to ride his pointy wang. “Don’t tell Rikku, but we leave as soon as Yuna’s better,” Lulu finishes in a normal voice, as she stands five feet away from Rikku.