Seymour goes on to say that Yunalesca had help defeating Sin. As he randomly bows, he explains, “It took an unbreakable bond of love–of the kind that binds two hearts for eternity.” Oh, gag. An illusory man, wearing about 500% more clothing and armor than Lady Yunalesca, enters the room and walks through Yuna. He and the imaginary Lady Yunalesca embrace, so that we know this is her piece of hot hunky man meat, and not just some random guy. Yuna looks all embarrassed and shy, probably getting an inkling that Seymour wants to see her in such an outfit. Through the random mist that just filled the room, Seymour bends down and whispers something to Yuna. We don’t hear what it is, but Yuna totally freaks out.

Creepy Pedophile music starts playing as Yuna runs over to one of the tables and downs a glass of something that is hopefully fairly strong. Then she runs over and stands in the middle of her circle of guardians. Tightass runs forward, hoping Yuna is drunk enough to let him have his way with her. Rikku is all, “Your face is totally red, dude!” And Wakka just stares at her creepily. Yuna makes a bunch of sounds like she’s getting off, which is disturbing, to say the least. Everyone turns and stares at Seymour. Finally, Yuna spits out, “He…he asked me to marry him!” That means he wants to have sex with her. “You serious?” Tightass wanks. “No, I’m fucking kidding,” Yuna would respond if she were me.

EW!

Auron seems pissed that Seymour is distracting Yuna from her pilgrimage. Seymour responds that summoners must “bring peace to Spira. But this means more than just defeating Sin.” Apparently it also means screwing a creepy pedophile. “She must ease the suffering of all Spira. And the best way to do that is to get it on with me,” Seymour continues. He spouts some more bullshit about the advantages of their “union,” but Auron is still pissed. “Spira is no playhouse. A moment’s diversion may amuse an audience, but it changes nothing,” he says. “Even so, the actors must play their parts,” Seymour creeps. How convenient that he seems to have written the play. Then he tells Yuna that she has time to think about it. She makes another incoherent sound, and then Auron says it’s time to get the hell out of there. As he turns to leave, Seymour asks him, “Why are you still here, sir? I beg your pardon. We Guado are keen to the scent of the Farplane.” That is the game designers’ “subtle” way of saying that Auron is dead. Of course, no one else in the room gets it, especially Tightass. He just bends over and starts sniffing Auron’s crotch, causing Auron to push him away like he would an annoying dog humping his leg.

Everyone leaves the manor and gathers just outside. Yuna is still looking flustered and upset. Imagine how disturbed she’s going to be on the wedding night. Lulu is expositing about the significance of Yuna, Braska’s daughter, marrying Seymour, the Guado leader. Yes, we get it. “It would give Spira something cheery to talk about for a change,” she continues. Um, excuse me? Cheery? Horrifically disturbing is the way I would describe it. “Sounds just like a passin’ daydream, like Auron says,” Wakka comments. Wait — when did Auron say that? Oh, right. Wakka’s totally stoned. Tightass whines about getting on with the pilgrimage, prompting Rikku to ask if he’s jealous. It’s funny when other people try to make Tightass look like an idiot. Not that it’s a challenge. Tightass denies it. “We gotta defeat Sin. Romance can wait!” he wanks, as if he wouldn’t be in Yuna’s pants at a moment’s notice.

Yuna starts to seriously consider marrying Seymour, if it would make the people of Spira happy. Dude! You. Will. Have. To. Have. Sex. With. Him. Tightass is taken aback that Yuna would rather have sex with Seymour than with him. Rikku comments that Yuna could give up her pilgrimage. Gee, you think Rikku wants Yuna to quit her pilgrimage? Yuna starts blathering about how she can’t give up, because she’s a summoner and yada yada yada. “Like Braska before you,” Auron states the obvious. I think he just likes to talk about Braska. He was Braska’s “personal guardian” after all.

Tightass inflicts more Wankese upon us. “I had to stop myself from shouting: What’s there to think about?” Wait, that makes it sound like he wants to marry Seymour. Yuna announces that she will go to the Farplane. Wait, there are other ways out of the situation that aren’t so drastic. Oh, that’s right — the Farplane is an actual place to visit. Yuna says she’ll talk to her dad before she makes any decisions regarding her imminent molestation. This prompts more Wankese. “I wondered why none of the others ever asked Yuna. Do you love Seymour? Do you even like him?” How about “Are you willing to have sex with him?” And with that, everyone heads to the Farplane, conveniently located in Guadosalam.

There is an enclosed path leading to a staircase, which ends at this big sphere bubble in the sky. Okay. Everyone is gathered on the stairs, as Tightass wanks up to them. He asks about a thousand questions, mainly related to whether or not dead people live on the same Farplane that they’re going to. He even has this vision of evil skeletal ghosts with horns rising creepily through the darkness. Then he starts to wuss out. “You’re thinking those funny thoughts again, ya?” Wakka says. I don’t even want to know what goes on in Tightass’s head. Wakka tells him that he’ll see what the Farplane is all about soon enough. As the party ascends the staircase, Auron and Rikku stay behind. No, not to do it. We already covered that. I’m sure there are only about a thousand fanfics that have them getting busy on the Farplane staircase, though. That makes me sad to exist. Tightass asks Auron why he’s not going along with them. Auron, sounding a bit freaked, says, “I do not belong there.” Actually, yes he does, as we figured out earlier. Tightass mocks him for being scared, as if he himself wasn’t making pansy-ass sounds just a moment ago. Auron spouts some stuff about how he doesn’t need to go there to find answers, but we know the real reason. Then Rikku explains what we learned from Expostion!Man about the Al Bhed theory regarding the Farplane and how everyone only sees manifestations of memories, not their loved ones. “I keep my memories inside,” she says. “Huh?” Tightass wanks. “I KEEP MY FUCKING MEMORIES INSIDE,” Rikku repeats. Or something like that.

At the top of the stairs, the path leads through the big iridescent bubbly thing. Tightass stops, poking at it. Wait, that sounds wrong. Finally, he steps through, leading to a dead end (so to speak) where dead people, like Chappu and Yuna’s parents, float in the air, just outside the edges of the platform. We see a nifty FMV of said platform hovering in the clouds, and then some fancy camera shots of how cool the Farplane really is. There are gorgeous iridescent pyreflies, gorgeous iridescent waterfalls, and gorgeous iridescent flowers. In the center of all this hangs the shittiest CG sphere ever created. It looks like a bad Photoshop job. Seriously, I’ve made better 3D spheres than that, and I’ve only used a 3D program once.

Yeah, they look thrilled.

Tightass Wankeses some more about how happy Yuna’s parents look as we see a shot of them looking not the least bit happy. “But it got me worried that maybe seeing them would make Yuna really consider Seymour’s proposal,” he wanks. No, she’ll probably see that her mom didn’t marry a creepy pedophile.

Over to the side, Wakka is talking to his dead floating brother about all that’s been going on with him. I don’t think Chappu looks that much like Tightass, particularly with his red hair, but I am thankful that Tightass doesn’t have a noticeable bulge in his shorts. “I gave him your sword. He likes it,” Wakka says, speaking of Tightass. We see a shot of Tightass fondling said sword. It’s all so wrong.

Tightass talks to Lulu next. She’s watching Wakka chattering at his deceased brother. She says that visiting the Farplane makes it clear that Chappu’s dead. Way to go, Einstein. “I should focus more on what I have to do now,” Lulu says, as if she isn’t the second most asskickingest person in the party at this point. She and Tightass discuss the possibility of her getting it on with someone who is still living. Tightass moans disturbingly and then says, “How about Wakka?” Lulu acts surprised at this possibility as if the script hasn’t already thrown it in our faces a dozen times so far. “Yeah, you two get along great!” Tightass says. Yeah, the way she cuts him down all the time is really sweet. Of course, in comparison to how Tightass is used to being treated, it is sweet. “Getting along isn’t enough. Not even close,” Lulu says scathingly. When Tightass apologizes, Lulu comments, “You’d do well to remember that. Knowing a bit about women might come in handy some day.” Don’t count on it, honey. Lulu says her final goodbye to Chappu, telling him that she was happiest when he was alive. It’s depressing, but not as depressing as knowing what happens in the future.

Tightass finally goes over to Yuna. She talks about how happy everyone was after her father defeated Sin. She wants to defeat Sin and make people happy, too. Well, no shit. “I must do what everyone wants, not just what I want,” she says. She makes it sound like she’s made the decision to marry Seymour. Tightass doesn’t seem to see it that way. Either way, it’s not like the scene makes it very clear, so we’ll just move on. Yuna wants Tightass to try to make Jecht appear. “Trying not to think about my old man made me think about him, of course,” Tightass Wankeses. “He isn’t here because he’s not dead. He’s Sin.” Wait — he is? “What if my old man really is Sin?” Jesus jumping on a pogo stick — just accept it already! Yuna’s all excited that Jecht isn’t dead. “What would I say to Yuna…heck, to everybody in Spira?” You’ll just have to kill yourself, Tightass. There’s no other way.

Tightass doesn’t think he should have to apologize for Jecht, and he says out loud, “I’d rather never see him again.” Really? Yuna wonders why Tightass hates his dad, and we finally get the explanation. Is it because his dad called him a crybaby? Is it because his dad was a drunk and beat him up? Nope, it’s because his mommy paid more attention to Jecht than she did to Tightass. Yes, you read that right. Tightass has a freaking Oedipal complex, as if he wasn’t disturbing enough already.

When Tightass mentions his mother, her “ghost” appears. Tightass is confused, because he’s from Zanarkand where they didn’t have sendings and all that. “She must’ve accepted death while she was still alive,” Yuna says. “Whoa there, that’s my mother you’re talking about,” Tightass whines, like that was such a horrible thing for Yuna to say. How dare she! Yuna apologizes, of course. We then see the flashback that shows just how horribly Tightass was ignored when his mom — God forbid — spent time with his dad. If I had a kid like Tightass, I’d ignore him, too.

Then Tightass explains that his mom lost her will to live after Jecht “died”. We see the young Tightass talking to Auron, who must’ve gotten to Zanarkand pronto. Auron is concerned about Tightass’s mom, because if she dies, he’s stuck all alone with the little wanker. “Don’t say mom is gonna die!” Tightass whines. I wish he would die. Tightass wankovers that he hated his dad because of the way his mom pined after him. Why not hate his mom for being such a wuss? Jeez.

The smartest thing he’s ever said.

We see the shot of Tightass’s parents together again, with Tightass whining for his mom’s attention. Finally, his “old man” is the one who tells her to pay attention to him. “He’ll cry if you don’t,” he comments truthfully. Back in the present, Tightass says, “I must sound so stupid.” Well, yes, you do. I’m amazed that he finally realizes it. Yuna kisses his ass and tells him that he doesn’t. Oh, shut up, Yuna.

With that, everyone is ready to leave. We cut back to Auron and Rikku, both on opposite sides of the path still. As the others approach, some random Guado appear from the path above, and everyone gasps as a creepy figure starts emerging from the Farplane. The Guado are there to exclaim, “Lord Jyscal!” so that we all know who the figure is. “He does not belong here,” Auron says, as if he himself isn’t dead. “Yuna, send him.” As Yuna goes forward to Jyscal, Auron starts grunting like he’s taking a shit and falls to his knees. Yuna sends Jyscal, and falls to her knees as well. Jyscal drops a sphere and Yuna picks it up surreptitiously. Auron’s in a big hurry to leave, and this is our other Big Fucking Clue that he’s dead.

On the path back to the city proper, the group discusses what happened. Yuna’s confused as to why Jyscal wasn’t sent already. “I would think that he was sent once…but he stayed on Spira. Something, a powerful emotion could have bound him to this world. Such things happen,” Lulu explains. Rikku asks if that is “against the rules,” causing Auron to respond, “It means he died an unclean death.” So now we know why Auron is still sticking around.

Next time: Find out Yuna’s reply to Maester Seymour, and in the meantime, ponder whether or not lusting over Auron makes one a necrophiliac. At least, that’s what I’ll be doing.