We see the three women, and they’re doing nothing of the cat-fighting, mud-wrestling sort. Rikku does this sort of paddle motion with her hands as she talks, because she’s the spastic perky one. We don’t hear any of their conversation. That’s good, because then I don’t have to recap it. After their little talk, the three of them walk over to Auron. Yuna tells him, “I would like Rikku to be my guardian.” Jeebus cripes, how many guardians does this girl need? I like how Yuna asks Sir Auron if it’s okay, as opposed to asking Wakka, or worse, Tightass. “I guess we know who wears the pants in the party,” Susi commented.
Then follows one of the very few scenes where Auron and Rikku even interact. This is apparently enough for the ten million Auron/Rikku fanfiction writers. Auron walks over to Rikku and asks to see her face. She looks down. Now, I’m sure there are some strange people out there who would interpret this as Auron wanting to see Rikku’s face because she’s hot and he wants her, despite the fact that there’s a twenty year age difference and our favorite guardian is no pedophile. However, the correct explanation is that he wants to see her eyes. Al Bhed have green eyes with swirly pupils (as we found out earlier from a random exposition person), and sure enough, Rikku does. “As I thought,” Auron says, because he’s no dummy. Rikku asks him if she can become Yuna’s guardian. She even strikes a flirty little pose, like Auron is a dirty old man who’s going to be all over that. Long story short, it’s all up to Yuna, and Yuna says yes. Every random person in Spira is going to be Yuna’s guardian before this game is over.
To back up Yuna’s decision to make Rikku her guardian, Tightass says, “Rikku’s a good girl. She helped me a bunch.” It makes her sound like a frickin’ dog. “Well, I’m for it! The more, the merrier!” Wakka comments cheerfully. This is supposed to be all ironic because Wakka hates the Al Bhed, see, and Rikku is one. Get it? “Then I’ll just have to be the merriest!” Rikku chirps. Well, I doubt Sir Auron is going to try to compete with her there.
Then, just in case we’re all a bunch of drooling morons, Tightass explains it to us in Wankese. “It was strange. Even though Wakka had always hated the Al Bhed…He never realized Rikku was one of them.” I give up.
Further along the path, we get a battle tutorial with Rikku. We learn that she’s the only one who can open treasure chests in battle, even though the other party members can all open identical treasure chests outside of battle. We also learn that she can mix random things together for her overdrive, and cause a whole lot of shit to go down. There’s the obligatory “Wow, what did you just do?!” from Tightass and Wakka, to drive home the fact that This Is Really Cool. Now that Rikku’s in the party, treasure chests actually show up in battles. They never did before. How convenient.
As soon as the party reaches a really funky glowing spot in the forest, the little map appears, showing us that we’re now in Guadosalam. Great. Just inside the city entrance, the camera goes crazy and pans all over the place. Guadosalam is inside a big tree or something, and it has pathways that overlap like crazy. I’m sure I’ll have a blast finding my way around this place. A creepy-looking Guado man with a pedophilic voice approaches the party. “We have been expecting you, Lady Yuna. Welcome to Guadosalam,” he says. He grabs for Yuna, to lead her off to God knows where, and Wakka brushes him off. Creepy Guado Dude introduces himself as Tromell Guado. He’s Seymour’s right hand Guado, which would explain the creepiness and the pedophilia. “Lord Seymour has very important business with Lady Yuna,” Tromell explains. I just bet he does. Tromell invites everyone to Seymour’s manor, and then walks off.
Everyone walks toward the manor, except for Whiny McWankerson, who subsequently gets a tutorial from Rikku in customizing weapons and armor. It’s really exciting. After that, Tightass goes exploring in Guadosalam. Wanky old Shelinda is in the inn, and she greets Tightass with the title “Sir Guardian”. If that doesn’t say that something is wrong with her, I don’t know what does. Shelinda exposits about Seymour returning to Guadosalam. “He’s young, but he deserves our respect,” she twits, even though Seymour is, like, ten years older than her or something.
Exposition!Man has also beaten everyone to Guadosalam. This time, he has tons of exposition to offer regarding pyreflies and the Farplane. The Farplane is where pyreflies hang out and just chill. They can form into the shapes of dead people who have gone to the Farplane. It’s unknown why that happens, but that doesn’t mean that E!M hasn’t heard a theory about it. He explains what the Al Bhed believe: “They say the pyreflies are just reacting to visitors’ thoughts and dreams.” Those are some magical mind-reading pyreflies, I tell you. E!M goes on and on, getting into subjects such as the dead leaving a piece of themselves inside their loved ones and other sick-sounding shit like that. “Or maybe not. Who knows?” he finishes. Well, that clears that up.
Oh, but he’s not done. He also tells more about pyreflies, mainly that they are responsible for pretty much everything cool on Spira — “Visions of the past, spheres, fiends — these are all the pyreflies’ doing…” If the pyreflies are all that and a bag of chips, maybe they should do me a favor and rid the world of Tightass. Unsurprisingly, pyreflies are what allow summoners to summon aeons. I’ll skip the wordy bullshit, but those are the basic facts.
I just bet you do.
Tightass learns a few things about the Guado as he tours their fine city. First of all, many of them are arrogant assholes who think humans are ugly. Apparently none of them have ever looked in the mirror. Second, they like to feel sorry for themselves whenever anyone thinks they look weird. And finally, they’re all obsessed with Maester Seymour, who is, according to them, the greatest guy to ever rule the Guado people. That’s too bad.
Seymour would like that a little too much.
Susi thinks that Tightass sounds like he’s wearing tap shoes. I can’t think of many things I would like to see less than Tightass tapdancing. Well, Tightass naked would be one of those things. I think I’m going to be sick now.
Yes. Through blitzball.
O’aka is hanging out in the item shop, trying to get Tightass to buy his wares. Tightass shuns him, and you know your life is sad when you’ve been shunned by Tightass.
No comment.
There are a couple of Guado geezers who speak like someone in a Shakespeare play. At one time all Guado talked like that, but now only old people hanging on to the old ways do. Why do I mention this? Because it’s completely pointless and has nothing to do with the story at all. Why else?
Inside Seymour’s mansion, everyone stands around the massive entrance way. Kimahri says (out loud) that he doesn’t like Maester Seymour. Well, who the hell does? This prompts a shushing from Yuna. Kimahri pouts and says he’s not going to talk anymore. I wish Tightass would make that same promise.
Wakka is all the way over on the left staircase when Tightass walks over to talk to Lulu on the right staircase, but as soon as the little cut scene starts, there’s Wakka, right next to Tightass. Whoops, game designers. There are a bunch of weirdass green pictures on the wall, and Lulu explains, “These are the past leaders of the Guado.” I can’t decide which one is the most fucked up looking one. Actually, I think it’s the second dude from the left. Wakka notes that they don’t look much like Seymour. “Didn’t you know?” Lulu scoffs. “The last leader…Maester Jyscal wed a human woman. She was Seymour’s mother.” Oh, ew. That would explain why Seymour is even more fucked up looking than the average Guado. He must have gotten the pedophilia from the Guado side. Man, who would want to have sex with a Guado? Their fingers are probably not the only things that are pointy.
As soon as the cut scene is over, Wakka is mysteriously back on the other side of the staircase. Rikku thinks that something smells good — the opposite of Wakka, who thinks that something smells bad. Obviously I can’t smell through my television set, but my educated guess is going to be that it smells bad. It’s Seymour’s house, after all.
At that moment, Tromell emerges from the main hall and escorts everyone inside. Once again, they have to wait for Seymour, so there’s more exposition dialogue. God damn it. Lulu says that summoners don’t usually stop in Guadosalam, since it’s a creepy-ass place with no temple. Tightass laughs in her face like a little butthole. Lulu demands to know what’s so funny. “I didn’t even ask a question and you’re explaining things,” he snots. Whereas that is true, I don’t think Mr. Wankbottoms has quite earned the right to laugh at other people’s idiosyncrasies. Tightass thinks this says that Lulu believes him about Zanarkand. No, she just thinks you’re a dumbass. Lulu says she doesn’t know what to think, but that Tightass should keep his mouth shut about where he came from. I agree.
Tightass talks to Auron over by the door. Auron reiterates what we learned earlier, but in a sexier, less obnoxious way: “Those with power use that power. Maesters have power.” Tightass accuses Auron of being anti-Yevon. Wait, what does Tightass care? Auron replies that he was in Zanarkand for a long time. I guess it was long enough for the stupid Yevon bullshit to wear off.
Everyone is apprehensive except for Rikku, who is stuffing her face and gushing about how exciting everything is. I doubt she’d be that excited if she knew what Seymour wanted to do with her ass.
In the middle of the room, there is a sphere chandelier with a pendulum. Tightass stares at it like a child with a mobile. Tromell enters the room, without Seymour, and starts wheezing about how good it is to have guests. Apparently Seymour is a private individual, not given to throwing parties as his father was. Yuna kisses ass about how great Jyscal was, causing Tightass to ask Wakka — in a regular voice — if Maester Jyscal really was all that. Wakka repeats what we learned from eighteen hundred random Guado in the town — that Maester Jyscal was responsible for brainwashing the Guado with all that Yevon bullcrap. I’m going to stop talking to NPCs in this game.
Tromell blathers on about how great Seymour is, and how his pedophilic ass is like a shining beacon for all the races of Spira, or some such nonsense. Finally, Seymour enters and tells him to shut up. “Must I always endure such praise?” he whines. Not in this recap, bub. He welcomes Yuna to his humble abode. Auron tells him to hurry it up because Yuna’s got a schedule to keep. Seymour invites Yuna to come closer, and before anything gets too creepy, we see an FMV. Even though Yuna was the only one in Seymour’s immediate vicinity, suddenly the entire party is sucked into the illusion that Seymour creates with his Magical Sphere Mobile. As stars, comets, and planets fly past them like a less crappy version of the scene in FFVII, Wakka looks around, waving his arms and going, “Whooooa…” Yup, he’s stoned.
Whoa…*puff*
The game designers show off their graphics some more, and then Seymour stands right behind Yuna and explains, “This sphere is a reconstruction…created from the thoughts of the dead that wander the Farplane.” Meanwhile, the city of Zanarkand, as seen in the beginning of the game, forms around them. The game designers think we are all idiots, so they made Tightass go, “Zanarkand…” Oh, I guess it’s supposed to be Zanarkand. Thanks a lot, guys. Seymour further exposits that it’s Zanarkand from 1000 years ago. “She once lived in this metropolis,” he says cryptically. Auron “Hmph”s, which is Really Significant, but we don’t find out why until much, much later. Yuna wonders who Seymour is referring to, and the camera does a ten minute closeup on FMV Seymour. Just tell us already.
After returning to regular gameplay mode, the camera pans around for several minutes, finally showing a woman with long white hair wearing a thong (and not much else) and sitting on a bed. Perhaps the sphere malfunctioned and is now displaying Seymour’s porn collection, but this woman is an adult. In fact, she is Lady Yunalesca, the first summoner to defeat Sin. “And you have inherited her name. But not her dress sense. You’ll have to work on that for FFX-2, Lady Yuna,” Seymour basically says. Yuna replies that her father was the one who named her. Well, no shit. You mean her Al Bhed mom didn’t name her after a significant Yevon person? Imagine that. “Lord Braska was entrusting you with a great task,” Seymour says. Isn’t that sweet that her daddy would want her to die? Awwww…