Our last visit to the most perfect, thoughtfully composed sequel of all time reacquainted us with our protagonists, which turned out to be necessary, since five out of six of them were quietly replaced with their non-union equivalents. Then Jailbait, MOMO, Ziggy, and CHAOS!!! got into a gunfight-slash-car chase with some robots, and reunited with Jailbait’s robot lover good friend Canaan. Pretty boring stuff.

So what, you must all be wondering, breathless with anticipation, are Shion and KOS-MOS up to? (And Corey, maybe a couple of you are wondering, with a bored shrug.) Well, good fucking news, we’re going to find out. I am so excited. We already knew that Shion was going to “wander over” to Vector to hand over KOS-MOS to Second Division, NBD, except when Shion arbitrarily decides to make it a very BD.

We skip directly to the Vector ninny twins and KOS-MOS standing in an office somewhere inside Vector’s headquarters, talking to a third Vector ninny with male-pattern baldness. Shion is asking him, already sounding like she’s going to throw a hissy, “The [Golden Penis Plate] Project?” MPB Guy tells her in a creepy voice, “Right. The situation is grave. The Gnosis phenomenon is spreading at an ever increasing rate. More than 120 star systems have already been eradicated–a fact that has been difficult to keep secret, thus far.” A lot to process here, but I will stick with two points: 1) that means that there might be 120 Cathedral Ships out there, SHUDDER; and 2) I would think and hope that this would be impossible to keep secret. Shion and Corey take all this in stride as MPB Guy adds, “Worst-case scenario projections indicate that if this continues, humanity will only have a few years before it’s completely wiped out by the Gnosis.” Wow, that sounds like a real problem, and one that these three have first-hand experience with. I bet Shion is going to ask how she can help!

Haha. I kill me. “Yes, I understand that. Thank you,” Shion says in a flat, bitchy tone. “But tell me how this relates to KOS-MOS.” Corey even nods his agreement, like this isn’t the dumbest question Shion’s asked in…well, probably 10 minutes. But still, you guys, it’s a pretty fucking dumb question. SHE’S AN ANTI-GNOSIS WEAPON, YOU MINISKIRTED KNOB. But MPB Guy just goes, “This way…” Maybe he’s taking her to HR to fill out her long-overdue termination paperwork.

Of course not. In another room, a screen shows them a schematic of a new attachment for KOS-MOS. It looks like a set of wings, but it could also be, like, dildo hands. I’m open to different interpretations. MPB Guy calls it “The KOS-MOS Tertiary Weapons System,” and says it’s basically a last line of defense against the “worst-case” Gnosis horde. “And just what do you classify as worst-case?” Shion asks, again bitchily. Let’s just assume from here on out that I will tell you if she doesn’t sound like a snide twat. Also, I think he just explained what the worst-case is. Hmm, if I go back all of two paragraphs, or 30 in-game seconds ago, he specifically said the worst-case scenario was the eradication of the human race. GIRL GENIUS IN THE HOUSE.

MPB Guy possibly realizes at this point what he is dealing with, so he pivots slightly. First, he explains that the goal of the GPP Project is “to eradicate the Gnosis from the cosmos.” Cosmos! And KOS-MOS! I see what you’re doing, guys. So clever. “To do this,” he goes on, “we know we must salvage the original [GPP] that’s sleeping on Miltia.” Miltia? Never heard of it.

This whole scene, if you are curious, is accompanied by music that I can only describe as “Crockett and Tubbs are briefed on a nightclub murder case.” Just felt like I needed to mention this.

So Miltia, and the GPP. Our favorite of this series’ many phallic objects is described by MPB Guy as “this dimension’s ultimate energy source.” We’d better frack that fucker before someone else does! But he also says the controlling center of the GPP is a “double-edged sword,” and pulls up a monitor to show them a screensaver of reddish-pink haze. (Duuuude. *puff*) I can’t remember if we’ve seen this specific, soon-to-be familiar imagery yet, but as MPB Guy explains, “This is the phenomenon known as U-DO.” Of course UUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOO looks like a Pink Floyd album sounds. Though even now nobody seems to know fuck-all about it, this bloodshot mess is responsible for the appearance of the Gnosis and Miltia literally disappearing into a plothole.

There’s a really obvious problem here: the GPP Project effectively wants to empower KOS-MOS to fight the Gnosis using the GPP, which is powered by UUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOO, which also caused the Gnosis to appear in the first place. (As far as anyone knows. We’ll talk later.) This is just the tip of the migraine iceberg, friends. But Corey’s eyes widen and he bleats at MPB Guy, “W…wait a minute, are you saying that even more Gnosis might show up?” Well, I don’t know where Corey could be getting that idea.

MPB Guy is going to need a drink after this meeting.

Somehow MPB Guy doesn’t slap Corey back up into his mama, but sighs that more Gnosis are a definite possibility. Yeah. Shion looks like she’s about to ask about this not-at-all-in-the-syllabus Gnosis problem herself, but decides to move on to this contraption Second Division wants to weld onto KOS-MOS. “Those shoulder units…they’re a Phase Transfer system, right?” she asks. Holy shit, Shion knows one thing. That’s just great. But MPB Guy ruins this minor step forward by gushing, “Now I see why they called you the Flower of First Division, Chief Uzuki.” This is literally her first full scene in the game and I already want to curl up into a ball and die.

To her credit, I GUESS, Shion doesn’t think much of this comment either, and MPB Guy awkwardly gets back to business. The Phase Transfer Wings (for when KOS-MOS is in her moon phase and needs to transfer fluids to her maxi pad with wings, obviously) were initially designed for KOS-MOS Mark I, but have been refitted for Mark II, or the Mark 2.5 that spontaneously generated when this game began. They technobabble for a moment about the scale and control of the weapons, which were more or less the reason for KOS-MOS getting transferred to Second Division in the first place, and then Shion goes, “And if I refuse to turn her over?” Well, who didn’t think that was coming? MPB Guy doesn’t hesitate for a moment: “This project has been officially commissioned by the government. Being chief of software development doesn’t give you the right to refuse us.” She is forced to admit that is true. BYE, FELICIA.

But maybe MPB Guy has been briefed on Shion’s emotional and sexual attachment to this blue-haired government boondoggle, so he tries to soften the blow. Er. Sorry. “Look, I know there’s a lot about KOS-MOS’ recent activation that worries you, but rest assured, everything’s going to be fine. Headquarters has taken a good look at KOS-MOS’ activity records up to now. They firmly believe this can be done, and so do we.” That’s all well and good, and Shion does seem like she’s trying to believe anyone but her is qualified to oil down KOS-MOS’s “heat sinks” twice a day, but she’s clearly still hesitant. Finally, MPB Guy pulls his trump card: “Besides, this system was designed at First Division by none other than Kevin Winnicot himself.” The camera slowly zooms in on Shion’s face as he’s talking, and at the mention of Kevin’s name, she lets out this seemingly involuntary “Ohhh” like Kevin’s ghost just went down on her. So sad! So sexy! KOS-MOS who?

Obviously, if sainted fucking Kevin thought this was a good idea, it must be beyond reproach, so Shion gives in and agrees to turn over KOS-MOS “today at 1400 hours.” She even sounds less bitchy about it, and Corey is looking at her like he knows exactly why, and wishes he didn’t. Once they’ve got the details hashed and Corey has made a bunch of stupid faces, Shion starts to snit, “If there’s anything you don’t understand…” Clearly this dude cannot hope to comprehend KOS-MOS’s penis-based systems array and will need the Flower of First Division to hold his hand. But he cuts her off with, “We’ll contact you. Thank you for your cooperation.” Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. We don’t want to have to get the door tested for Hep C.

Fuck, that scene was the worst. Shion being dumb, Shion being a bitch, some jerkoff sucking up to Shion anyway like she isn’t a dumb bitch, and it was a jargon-filled business meeting where nothing happened. I mean! Oscars, guys. All the Oscars. Shion walks alone into the corridor, looking mopey, and before I can beg her to give me five minutes of peace or menu-tooling or some kind of palate cleanser first, for the love of God, she’s thinking about Kevin. “For the sake of humanity?” she remembers herself asking him, and just like that we’re in a full-on flashback. How am I going to make it through this? I might die.

Booze will just have to see me through this. Shion is standing with Kevin in some lab, as they both stare at something through large observation windows. “Yes,” Kevin replies. “You might even say that’s the reason she was born. Her awakening will lead humanity toward the future.” Humanity does not need leadership to move toward the future! By definition! Kevin is such a tool, you guys. The xylophone lullaby music in the background is trying really hard to convey that this is all sweet and hopeful, which would work if I thought these two people were about to die horribly, and neither of them only one of them will! “I can hardly wait until that time comes,” Kevin adds, staring intensely at Shion. Oh, I can’t wait for her to wake up either, buddy. I’ve got a feeling you’re gonna love it.

So I assumed at first that they were staring at KOS-MOS as she slept, because it seems like that’s all these two ever did, but it turns out there’s something else through those windows. Shion asks if “this transport” is part of KOS-MOS’s equipment, and the camera shifts behind them to pan over a pale lavender spacecraft with teal racing stripes. “A craft that can interact with hyperspace on its own, without using a U.M.N. column,” Shion breathes. And it’s so big. “Is this going to save humanity, too?” She sounds for half a second like she’s making fun of Kevin being a fucking dork, but I’m sure I imagined it and Kevin’s words got her wetter than the first four rows at Sea World. Kevin brushes it off as something that will come in handy someday for their inappropriate robot daughter. It’s for going to and from school only! And she has to drive her little brother to soccer practice!

“You’ll probably laugh when you hear me say this,” Kevin tells Shion, “but I believe… No, I want to believe that she’ll be more than just some wanton instrument of destruction.” Oh, she’ll be more, all right. WINK. “I hope the future that she builds will be one swept clean of our differences. An ideal world free of destruction or slaughter.” Dude, she’s one fucking robot, not Obamacare. Shion does giggle, but she is quick to tell him it’s not because she thought it was funny. God forbid this man be belittled for any of the breathtakingly stupid shit he says. “It’s just that… Your eyes, Kevin. They were so lit up just now, that you looked like a child.” Ewwwwww. This is gross enough on its own merit, but knowing what I know of the full backstory of these two, there are more layers of creep here than a well-made puff pastry. Kevin is all, “I can’t help having the dewy innocence of a chiiiiiiiiiiiild,” barf, and adds, “I guess I’d better watch myself during the public test.” Someone else might get lost in his eyes, and end up on Cathedral Ship! Public hazard!

But Shion is, as we know, every bit the sentimental puddle of guileless goo that Kevin is, so she confides in him, “Well, to be honest, I can’t wait to see her wake up, too.” Kevin stares at her for nine interminable seconds as the flashback ends. Words cannot express how happy I am that these two were never able to have children, other than their adopted geishabot. Any kids with Shion and Kevin’s DNA would have been so clueless and bubbleheaded, they could have doubled as walking, talking Upworthy links. “This Doting Father Wanted His Little Girl to Be the Future of Humanity. What Happened Next Will Amaze You.”

Back in the present, Shion has probably been standing in front of that door for five minutes, but the second she moves away toward the elevator, Corey comes stumbling out. He was waiting for his cue! He cluelessly asks her what’s wrong, because she’s been acting “strange” today. This is still the same day they all almost died on Proto Merkabah, right? Shut up, Corey. Shion insists she’s FINE, just FINE, instead of just acknowledging that shit has gotten a bit real lately–which, hate on Shion though I do, it has–and she needs time to process. She tells him she’s going into the city, and they awkwardly exchange small talk revolving around Corey somehow not remembering she’s from here. “Listen, [Corey]…” she begins, and you can practically hear Corey anticipating an invite on her tour of the old neighborhood. “Don’t take your eyes off KOS-MOS, okay?” Ouch, man. He asks why, since he’s not a paranoid lunatic like she is re: Dildobot Mark 2.5, and she just walks away without answering. Ouch again.

My signal that I’m temporarily out of cutscene hell is the emergence of the Second Miltia background music, so let’s call that a mixed bag. “Well,” Shion says to herself, “there’s no point in getting upset about it. I guess I’ll go to the city and have a look around.” There sure isn’t a point in getting upset about it, since she’s known for a good long while that she’d have to give up KOS-MOS. Also, I like how she says that, but is pretty much never going to stop being upset about it. This woman’s grudges are so long-lasting they should be broken down into geological epochs.

Just like the last game, this game uses Xenogears-esque area maps, and the map of Second Miltia (which is apparently both a city and a planet, or a planet-sized city, I don’t fucking know) looks almost exactly like that of the Kukai Foundation, with points of interest more or less laid out in a star pattern with the main city in the center. Shion heads downtown first, and probably passes under the freeway where Jailbait and co. are in the middle of a high-speed chase. Dammit, I bet that chunk of concrete only narrowly misses her to kill some random NPC! Fucking Shion, tempting me to start another Shion Cheats Death Count. I’ve got enough on my plate, lady.

A woman near the district entrance feels the need to tell Shion about a “new” feature: a small, emerald-green penis plate next to the mini-GPP save point. “You may already know about the yellow plate beside me,” she says, and that’s a big assumption given who she’s talking to, “but you probably don’t know about the green one, right?” This green one, it turns out, is just a separate plate for the Encephalon time travel feature from the last game. (The silver penis plate is gone, since there’s almost nothing to buy in this game.) So they had to include an NPC to overtly explain game mechanics we already know about, just because something otherwise familiar is a new color. (They could have left it silver and just changed its function, but the guy who made the silver penis plate really burned some bridges after he got fired.) I make Shion say she knows about it already, just so the lady replies, “Well! You know, one shouldn’t try too hard to put on airs!” Hahaha. Yeah, Shion, stop being such a fucking know-it-all.

(It occurs to me now that this woman only explains the green plate rather than both because the gold one was covered in part 1. But that explanation was delivered 14 years ago, to a person Shion has never even met. This just got stupid in at least two more ways.)

I enjoy nothing more than wasting time and hanging out with my favorite fictional character, Shion Uzuki, so I have Shion use the mini-GreenPP and blast to the past of Old Miltia. She picks up a couple minor items CHAOS!!! and his crew never got around to on this long-dead planet. Actually, the more I think about this the worse it is. If technology exists to go back to a simulation of the past and bring items back with you, shouldn’t Shion be digging for an unencrypted copy of the MacGuffin Data or something, instead of grabbing some med kits? It is possible I’ve complained about this before. If the game gets to constantly repeat itself, so do I.

Pretty much every person Shion encounters has a name (no, I am not writing cast bios for every Second Miltian citizen, I don’t hate myself that much) and tells her either about some upcoming event or about some other jerkoff with a name who has some problems, a pattern Shion would find portentous of some sidequest bullshit if she were capable of buying a clue about anything. One guy, though, named Ludwig, asks her, “Hey, baby, you know Moby Dick’s Café?” First of all, no, obviously, Shion does not get her back up about being called “baby,” though at least she’s not all, “Hee hee, oh, you.” So Shion has a choice of how to answer, either “The what café?” or “Yes, it’s famous.” Shion has in fact heard of the place, as we’ll soon see, and not just because she’s been inside of a giant whale. “Yeah, you look like you know all the good spots,” Ludwig replies. He’s either trying to proposition her for a night on the town, or he’s calling her fat. Or both. But then he adds, “Did you come to eat some curry?” Oh god. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.

OH GOD

I’m just gonna have to deal with this curry thing when we get there, so I’m pushing it out of my mind, with the same third arm Shion used to balance curry on her head while going down a ladder. MOVING ON. A guy named Nikolai goes, “Whoa! Are you Shion Uzuki?” I’m a little concerned that this means Shion is also a famous lingerie model or something, but Nikolai here knew her in high school. “Wow, it’s been a long time!” he says. “Look at you–you’ve changed a lot from that nerdy Shion back in school!” There is a 99.9 percent chance he’s saying this because she’s not wearing her glasses. Fuck everything. Nikolai also mentions seeing Shion’s brother in “the café in the next sector” all the time, just so I know how close my impending curry doom is. He further wonders if Shion’s seen Jin, before remembering, “Oh, wait, you didn’t get along too well with your brother, right?” Good thing this game is pretty committed to making these NPC conversations one-sided, otherwise Shion’s snippy reply about her NO GOOD LAYABOUT BUM JERK BROTHER ET CETERA ET CETERA would have me here for the next 20 minutes.