Commander Jerkinov is nowhere to be found on the upper levels of the Elsa, so Shion saunters into the elevator and goes down. The shaft. I mean–shit. At this point we leave Shion, thank God, and cut to a dark room elsewhere on the ship. A piano tinkles with sentimentality as a blue glow pierces the darkness. It becomes apparent soon enough that the blue glow is coming from KOS-MOS’s Big Black Phallus. It lives. KOS-MOS is lying within, in a Snow White-like sleep. If this is where her Prince Charming shows up, I’m really disturbed, because her visitor is none other than The Wang. Leaning over her, CHAOS!!! says, “So…we finally meet.” Actually, no. You met her when she first arrived. Maybe all the testosterone from his huge wiener dulls his brain. Regardless, his crotch is uncomfortably close to her right now, and robot or no, were she to wake up with that thing staring her in the face, I’m quite sure she’d be scarred for life.
“Now,” CHAOS!!! asks her, “where does the real you exist?” Hopefully as far from his manmeat as possible. Poor girl. Then he leans even closer to her, and whispers “Good night,” before walking away. Jesus Christ, that was some creepy shit. Apparently CHAOS!!! left out of a desire not to be seen, because as soon as his girly ass vanishes off-screen, Commander Jerkinov enters. “I guess nobody’s here,” he says to himself, even though CHAOS!!! is still standing in the shadows. But he remains silent and walks out, leaving Jerkinov to molest the robot girl. Seriously, it’s pretty nasty that all these guys are just walking in and leering at her while she sleeps. Jerkinov proceeds to do just that, but gets smacked in the forehead with a flashback in the process.
In some city somewhere, it’s dark and raining. Jerkinov is having a sexy rendezvous with a man in a dark cloak. A brief glimpse of the guy’s face reveals a lock of dark hair, leading me to believe it’s Kevin, Shion’s dumbass of a boyfriend. Maybe!Kevin hands something to Jerkinov, and it turns out to be a digital device like Shion’s Connection Gear. It looks like one half of a Nintendo 64 controller. Jerkinov asks his contact if it’ll work, and then asks, “Why?” Why what, we’ll see. I guess. Maybe!Kevin does not answer. Because if he did, he’d probably have Kevin’s voice and then we’d all know for sure. This way, it’s still mostly in the realm of Crazy Internet Conspiracy Theories.
The scene jumps to the Vector lab from Shion’s mushy Kevin reminiscence, but as the lab is now full of Unitards, this is clearly the day of KOS-MOS’s awakening. The horrible, deafening stream of technobabble immediately cuts off when the lab doors fly open and a whole gaggle of U-GEE flunkies jam into the room, guns poised. Bless them. Jerkinov is among the masked soldiers, and informs the Vector folks that they’re now U-GEE hostages. John Williams-esque, thrummingly dramatic music fills the scene, complete with male chorus, as the camera focuses on the Big Black Phallus, opening up. Surely nothing bad will happen. I would think we would have heard some mention of a tragic event involving KOS-MOS, wouldn’t you?
Shion, hands held behind her back, screams “KOS-MOS!” as Jerkinov looks on. We can see, once she gets up out of her penis, that KOS-MOS Mark I is quite a different creature than the current incarnation. Her hair is not electric blue, but more whitish; she looks much more like a robot and has jerky movements that remind me of the six-foot centipede I see in my nightmares. And no, I’m not talking about CHAOS!!!’s penis. Anyway, it’s clear that in the time since this event, Shion has spent most of her time on making KOS-MOS sezzy, in essence making Shion a girl with a life-size Barbie doll.
Someone woke up horny.
Before you can all shout “Dun dun DUN!!!” at once, KOS-MOS goes totally Linda Blair on Jerkinov’s ass, complete with crab walk and 360-degree head spinning. Heh. Cool. She jumps the frightened soldier, then goes after random people in the room. Gee, who would have thought the “incident” Shion and Corey alluded to would involve KOS-MOS going on a psycho murderous rampage? I am shocked, SHOCKED!
The lights go out and Jerkinov runs outside, KOS-MOS hot on his trail. In the area where he met with Maybe!Kevin, Jerkinov is cornered by Terminator!KOS-MOS. A futuristic-looking helicopter–no doubt a junky old piece of crap in this context–takes aim at her and fires, with no impact whatsoever. Hair flapping in the wind, she returns the shot, only with about a zillion times more power, incinerating the helicopter. Wow. This KOS-MOS is even better than the new one. Can I keep her?
The flashback ends, and we’re back to Jerkinov glaring with hatred and fear at the robot girl who kicked his ass. “Is this…Is this the same archetype as before?” Obviously, dumbass, the archetype is different: look at her boobies! Jerkinov doesn’t listen to me, and instead pulls out his gun and shakily points it in KOS-MOS’s face. Oh, that’s not right. At all. Then he starts breathing really hard, like he’s either having an asthma attack or an orgasm. Again with the wrong. Slowly, he lowers the gun and stares weakly at the sleeping girl. God, what a douche this guy is. He won’t even shoot a robot. Not that it matters, as undoubtedly KOS-MOS would just wake up, catch the bullet an inch from her forehead and then jam it into Jerkinov’s lung.
Back to Shion “Baby Got Back” Uzuki, finally in the basement of the Elsa after twenty goddamn minutes. There’s all kinds of exciting stuff in the basement to blow up, but Shion’s hands are occupied by the tray full of curry. I suppose she’ll have to wait until she has a hand free to use the Boom Stick. But wait! Impossibly Deftly, Shion blasts a steel box against the wall to smithereens, seemingly with the awesome power of her curry. Not that I would have ever considered eating Shion’s cooking anyway, but you couldn’t pay me enough to touch that shit now.
Loading ...Two steps later, Shion gets an email, and I realize that if I have to chronicle this voyage of hers step-by-step, this recap will never end. But then I’d get shit about not mentioning the email, so here it is. You might remember that Shion got an email back on the Hoglinde about “helping” to stop a hacker. Well, here’s where her essential contribution comes in. They’ve discovered somehow that the hacker is going to access the system–whatever the fuck system they’re even talking about–in 1200 seconds. Clearly, just saying “20 minutes” is soooo not futuristic and simply out of the question. Anyway, when the hacker breaks in, Shion’s supposed to get another email about it. THEN she has to read THAT email, the poor exhausted thing. When will they leave her in peace?
I’m still unclear about what Shion is supposed to do. And whatever that turns out to be, why they need her to do it. But I feel that way about all of all of Shion’s “work” pursuits in this game. Vector could replace her with an untrained chimpanzee holding a stick–no loss of efficiency, and no costly medical benefits packages!
Down the hallway, it seems that Shion and Her Amazing Technicolor Curry have reached an impasse. To continue into the lower levels of the basement, Shion must descend a ladder. Surely there’s no way she could go down a ladder with her arms loaded with a food-heavy tray! She’ll just have to go around, and in fact she can–there’s a staircase on the other side of the floor.
Alas, Shion’s cooking looks like shit.
But there’s no one nothing Shion Uzuki, Girl Fucking Genius, can’t do. “Go to the lower level?” the text box asks me, gloatingly. I select “Go down,” with only a slight cringe of disgust, thinking at least I’ll get to see Shion pull off this physical feat. This is where you all get to laugh at me for being a sucker. The Black Screen of Time Lapse invites himself to the party, and when he scurries to the bathroom to make out with a sorority girl, Shion is at the bottom of the ladder, ready for me to direct her wiggling ass to its next destination. Shit.
At the risk of going off on a tangent, what the fuck is that about? As I said before, the ladder isn’t the only way to get downstairs. It wouldn’t be too hard to cut off access to the ladder until Shion is actually able to use it. Seriously. Photoshop some fucking police tape in there, for all I care. This. Goddamn. Fucking. Game. HATE.
Loading ...You know, I’m not even trying to be positive anymore. Because no matter what I say, I get emails telling me to stop being so mean about everything, to get a life, to get a vibrator, to get therapy, or to not play it if I don’t like it. What can I say, I’m a gay, emotionally damaged British 12-year-old boy with a small penis who can’t get any and whacks off a lot, and I also have raging PMS. I’m what doctors call a medical miracle.
Back to the story, such as it is. Shion jiggles through the second basement, and eventually finds herself in the landing bay, where Hammer is walking around with his hand down his pants. He and Shion make small talk, which leads to Shion asking Hammer where the Vector escape pod is. Hammer lets slip that they sold it to a chop shop or something. I’m not even going to ask when they did this. There’s just no point anymore. Shion doesn’t care, as the pod wasn’t hers anyway. What’s that? Shion not exploding with unwarranted entitlement? I’m stunned.
Shion finds some more loot in the basement, including two–count ’em TWO!–red Segment Address doors, before making for the smaller rooms off the main corridors. In the first room she finds CHAOS!!! hanging out near a save point. He explains that he didn’t want to bother KOS-MOS while she was sleeping, so he hasn’t had the chance to talk to her yet. “But she was quite beautiful, even asleep,” he adds. “Why thank you,” Shion responds. And since it’s been made plain that KOS-MOS’s appearance is Shion’s life’s work, I guess it’s okay for her to take that as a personal compliment. If CHAOS!!! had said, “She’s a diabolical killing machine, even asleep,” I don’t think Shion could really take the credit. Not that she wouldn’t try.
iT l00kS like a pEniS!
CHAOS!!! tells Shion that Jerkinov is hanging out in the room opposite this one. Shion thanks him and enters the east end of the A.G.W.S. hangar. A robot there sells her A.G.W.S. equipment and other supplies, pledging that all the proceeds go to Captain Matthews’s Debt Relief Fund. And once he’s free of debt, he’ll be free to be more of a BOOZER, BANZAI BANZAI. And he can save up for my engagement ring. No one else is around, so Shion goes to the lift on the west side and enters KOS-MOS’s bedroom.
Of course, Jerkinov is still standing, shaking, over KOS-MOS with his gun when Shion walks in. He jumps halfway out of his skin, then points it quiveringly at Shion. Oh, AWESOME. Unfortunately, he’s still being a pussy, and lowers it when he sees who it is. Shion stammers about bringing him lunch. “What were you doing?” Shion asks. “…I was looking at her,” Jerkinov replies, in a totally not creepy way. “At KOS-MOS? With a gun in your hand?” I don’t think I even need to tell you that I interpreted that in the grossest manner possible. Jerkinov writes off constantly having his pistol whipped out as a “bad habit.” I think Catholics call it a “sin,” Commander.