In the last recap, amid a flurry of curry delivery and KOS-MOS flashbacks, I apparently showed my true colors as a bitter, lowly human being with anger management problems. That’s right, you’ve found me out: I really do lie awake at night, seething with hate for one Shion Uzuki. Every time I think about her fictional personality and fictional boobs and ass, I feel my blood pressure spike just a little higher. And when I can’t sleep because of the vitriol pumping through my blackened, tar-filled veins, I get out of bed, go to my computer, and work on my Xenosaga fanfiction in which I’m a fabulously cool, sexy and intelligent Mary Sue aboard the Elsa. In chapter three I murder Shion in her sleep and strew her guts around the ship like Christmas decorations, and then I go have passionate, screaming, post-slaughter sex with Captain Matthews. There’s just no keeping secrets from you guys, is there?

So now that I’ve bared my bottom-feeding soul to you all, let’s get back to the game. Shion’s right where I left her, standing with her thumb up her ass outside KOS-MOS’s battery-charging room, having just received an order from Matthews to head up to the bridge. On the way, she finds Tony pacing around between the rows of A.G.W.S. in the hangar. “It’s not here,” he’s saying. “Nor there. Or anywhere.” I’m guessing he misplaced his photo of CHAOS!!! in the heart-shaped pewter frame. “Man, where the heck is it?” he continues to no one. “Damn, you should be more organized. Whoever’s responsible, come on out! That would be me! I’m the one responsible!” Okay, so he’s missing his picture of CHAOS!!!, and he’s also obviously snorted coke within the last hour. When Shion taps Tony on the shoulder to see if he’s okay, the weirdo seems to come to his senses. “I was just looking for something,” he says, “but I just can’t find it.” Then, he realizes Shion’s a woman and therefore should be completing menial tasks for him. “How about it? You wanna help out little ol’ me?” Shion, true to form, agrees to assist him. “Really?” Tony squees. “Shion, you’re the one I can always count on to be there.” I like how they’ve known each other for a day or two, tops, and he’s come to this conclusion.

Anyway, what Tony’s actually looking for is “a map of all the hazardous sectors in space,” something he claims Captain Matthews lost and now wants found post haste. Well, anything for my beer-swilling boyfriend. Shion decides to take the long way to the bridge so she can look for it, and I’m sure this situation is going to familiarly degenerate into Shion running around on ten million little sidequests and never actually making it to the bridge. On the bright side, this means I get to blow up a bunch of crates I missed the first time I came down to the basement, so there’s loot involved. Yay!

‘I’m a depressed virgin with mommy issues. What did you think?’

Near the elevator on the first floor, Shion runs into Corey, ambling around the residential wing all by his friendless lonesome. He seems agitated, and in response to Shion’s prodding, admits that he’s been thinking about the horrible, horrible things he said about the Kukai Foundation and all those involved with it. Since the members of the Elsa crew seem to be slightly better than baby-killing psychopaths, Corey says, “I’m thinking of trying to meet them halfway, bit-by-bit.” In his own silly way, this is very mature of Corey, and he earns my kudos for trying to better himself. But Shion can’t resist making him feel like even more of an asshole than he already does, and so says to him, “Wow, [Corey], I’m surprised. You’re usually so hardheaded with your logic and preconceptions, so I was a little worried that you’d become like one of Wells’ Aliens.” She adds, “Good luck. Bye!” which I think is the equivalent of writing a really nasty flame to someone on a message board and ending it with a smiley face, as if to magically negate the fact that you’re being a bitchrag. Corey stutters incoherently, clearly unable to deal with his crush’s maddening behavior without frying several thousand braincells.

Also, was that a reference to H.G. Wells I saw in there? You know, Shion, H.G. Wells wrote books. Those aliens you mentioned? In a book. You hate books, remember?

Moving on. In her sleeping quarters, Shion gets an email announcing some department store’s Fall and Winter Fashions. As if she’s going to change into winter vestments–she’d have to cover up her T&A! Another email is from “Kazuya Mishima,” and is a bizarre disguise for a Tekken 4 advertisement. The email is apparently from a character in the game, and how he won against some other guy in the game. It’s like two fourth walls have been breached. I am thoroughly creeped out.

 Loading ...

In remarkably punctual fashion, Shion decides to enter the bridge now. Captain Matthews and Hammer are both there, checking out something strange on Hammer’s computer. Hammer explains to Matthews, “It’s the catapult deck. There seems to be something wrong with the hatch.” They’re both stumped as to the cause of the problem, so Shion offers to go down there and take a look. Since I don’t know what the catapult deck is, I imagine it’s the place they’re going to send Shion so they can catapult her into space. Hee. Matthews half-heartedly tells her to be careful, very much hoping that she won’t be. No, I’m not projecting onto my boyfriend. Why do you ask?

Before she leaves to do this new thing, Shion asks Captain Matthews about the map. It doesn’t really make sense to ask him, given he’s the one who supposedly lost it. But just go with it. As a matter of fact, the Captain has the map with him, and wonders what the hell Tony is doing looking for it in the first place. For no reason, Matthews gives Shion the map. So Tony was looking for the map because Matthews needed it. We find out that Matthews had it all along, but then he gives it to Shion so she can give it to Tony? Who will then give it back to Matthews? It’s a wonder anyone gets anything done around here.

Don’t want to know.

Once Shion leaves the bridge, she gets another damn email, this one detailing a lucrative investment opportunity. In the Xenosaga universe, these things aren’t junk mail scams, and so Shion actually reads this one. Basically, she’s given a choice of three firms to invest in, and each one will give her different benefits for doing so. The strat guide suggests Venture Link, as it results in lots of money, A.G.W.S. parts discounts and, eventually, a new weapon for KOS-MOS. That girl has more attachments than a vacuum cleaner. This metaphor pleases Shion, so she goes with Venture Link.

Back in the A.G.W.S. hangar, Shion hands over the map to Tony. Tony is less than thrilled when he hears where Shion found it. “That stupid, senile jackass!” he bitches. “Did a Gnosis suck out his brain or something? He ordered me to find it while he had it all along?! What?! Sheesh!!” He quickly apologizes to Shion for losing his temper, and gives her a Med Kit DX for her trouble. I’m just glad he didn’t want her to take it back to Matthews, the way that exchange was going.

En route to the catapult deck, Shion gets lost in the lower levels of the ship for half an hour. I assure you that this is her stupidity at work, and certainly not mine. I’m totally not the type to get lost in a videogame. Once she does reach her destination, a quick once-over of the catapult thingy comes up clean. Shion reports to Matthews that the catapult is fine and starts back to the bridge. For a moment she pauses and looks at something, decides it’s not important, and leaves. Behind her, there’s a loud crackle and some bright blue electric bolts. Call me crazy, but I think Shion made a wee misdiagnosis. I assure you that I am shocked by this. Really.

On the way back, there’s yet another email. Ye Gods, when will it end? This one pertains to catching the mysterious and pointless hacker. The email confirms that Mr. No Point just logged on to Vector’s Second R&D Division network. The email provides Shion with a password for logging on herself, and then says, “We’re counting on you.” I’m so confused as to what Shion’s role in this little online sting operation is, I’m not even sure why I’m recapping it. If it’s all the same to you guys, can we just say that she somehow catches Mr. No Point, and that A.I. Bunnie and the entire Vector Corporation will be heaping unwarranted electronic praise on her? And then there’s some forced dialogue about the immorality of abusing artificial intelligence? Because that’s basically it.

And we’re back to the bridge. Matthews, Tony and Hammer are in the middle of chatting up some U.M.N. bureaucrat in preparation for the ship’s gate-jump. They’re charged for the excess weight they’re carrying, and Matthews reluctantly puts it on the Kukai Foundation’s tab. “Well, we did pick up some extra junk,” he says pointedly, all but jerking his head at Shion on the other side of the room. Shion says he could have charged Vector for the excess, but Matthews has enough red tape to cut through without involving those jerks. Hey, why not just skip the middle man and throw Shion out the airlock? Sounds reasonable enough to me.

Insert gross comment about Shion’s curry here.

Right after the shot of the Elsa entering hyperspace, we cut to Ziggy and MOMO inside their stolen vessel, also in hyperspace. Total coincidence, I’m sure. Ziggy is saying how impressed he is with her maneuvering. The ship, you guys. MOMO blushes, and says she’s giving him the gun controls. At least MOMO realizes Ziggy will feel more like a man again if she lets him play with the guns. Outside the ship, the view shows that there are at least three ships on their trail. MOMO fires the thrusters as they speed away from their pursuers.

Elsa. Shion’s only been mildly annoying thus far in the recap, so I should have known she was saving it up for a big wanksplosion. And here it is. I would have purchased soundproof helmets with splatter shields for all of you, but it just wasn’t in our nonexistent VGR budget. Sorry.

Shion is in the middle of yelling at somebody via the videophone thing in the hallway (I think this is by the save point). “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is ridiculous!” she shrieks, pounding her hands on the counter. The shot widens out to show Corey standing behind Shion and backing away from his boss in fear. On the monitor, a really high-pitched female voices replies, “B-but there’s nothing I can do about it. I…I’m just passing on the orders.” Shion fires back, “And I’m saying those orders are unacceptable!” Because it’s really constructive to scream at the person you know has no influence on getting you what you want. That’s like yelling at the person behind the counter at McDonald’s because the corporation raised the price of the Big Mac.

Is Corey raising the roof?

Shion, for the first time ever, realizes the error of her ways, albeit with a snotty, I’m-going-to-pout-until-I-get-my-way attitude. “Oh, forget it,” she snits, arms crossed. “It’s not doing me any good talking to you. Get the Director on the line, now!” Sweet Jesus, but she’s being bitchy. She must have overheard someone talking shit about her curry. The girl shakily complies. Once the girl is off the monitor, Corey tentatively tries to tell Shion to dial it down a couple of decibels. “What do you expect?” she snaps, flinging a sheet of Future!Paper at Corey. “How could you expect me not to yell about this?” As Corey’s retrieving the sheet from his crotch region–Shion was aiming low–the Director comes on the line. “What is the meaning of this?!” Shion says, still in Deafen the Entire Fucking Ship mode.

“It means exactly what it says,” the Director replies, and he scores a couple of points in my book for that. Heh. Finally, Shion quiets down a little, but only because she wants to use her withering sarcasm on her boss. Just so we’re on the same page, what she deems “withering” is more like “grade school-level.” “I see,” Shion says, seeing nothing, as usual. “Unless this is a figment of my imagination, it looks like it says that as soon as KOS-MOS receives her secondary equipment, we’re to turn her over to the Second R&D Division on Second Miltia and return immediately to headquarters.” The Director stares at her for a moment, not sure how exactly to dumb down his speech to Shion’s level. He decides on repeating, “Like I said, it means exactly what it says.” He adds, “This was the plan from the beginning. I don’t see why this is such a problem.”

At this point, you might expect Shion to come up with a good reason why this is a problem, to explain why this is a bad time to hand over KOS-MOS. If there is actually a reason, other than “I just installed R-Vibrator and it needs to be tested! Thoroughly!” Instead, Shion bangs on the console again and shouts “Director!” at the top of her lungs. Jesus, I wouldn’t expect Tidus to throw this bad of a temper tantrum. And he at least has the excuse of being a whiny teenager!

“Shion,” the inhumanly patient Director says, “please don’t give me a hard time about this. I understand how you feel. But I’ve read your report and it appears as though there are no major problems with KOS-MOS, other than her inappropriately small, geisha-bound feet, and that issue with her boob cannons.”