Xenosaga
Part 1
"Stupidity: the Final Frontier."
As has been all the rage lately, the first hour of the game plays host to an eyeball-glazing, mind-numbing tutorial. But in the process, we meet our “heroine” Shion, who we’re told is a dedicated scientific genius, but who in reality is a brainless valley girl wanker. We’re also introduced to her equally wanky assistant boy, and to her HAWT HAWT blue-haired robot GRRL. This is going to be one long game.
Part 2
"You’ve got wank!"
Shion has been summoned to the bridge, and so she goes to the bridge. This takes her over an hour of game time. Over. An hour. Of game time. We meet some new characters and get some more insight into Corey’s unrequited wuv, but mostly it’s Shion playing mini-games and answering her email. Someone please kill me.
Part 3
"I love Realians. They’re delicious!"
Murphy’s Law finally kicks in aboard the Hoglinde and shit starts going haywire. Gnosis attack, KOS-MOS awakens, people and Realians die, and Shion wanks. And wanks. AND WANKS. Sadly, no amount of alcohol drowns her out. Believe me, I’ve been trying.
Part 4
"Now I dead from wank. And wang."
Just when the Hoglinde starts getting repetitive, give or take three hours, it’s blown to smithereens. Unfortunately, Shion is not onboard when this happens. She, Corey, KOS-MOS and Jerkinov are all rescued by a ship in the area, which is home to both the coolest character in the game and the most terrifying. Laugh. Cry. Make fun of Shion. Fear the Wang of Doom.
Part 5
"In which Sam loses her A material."
In another part of Space!, a cyborg Nazi named Ziggy attempts the rescue of a little redhead girl with white panties. They form a father-daughter bond of sorts and…you know what? Who cares? No Shion for a whole recap! This hour could be graphic video footage of Captain Matthews giving CHAOS!!! a handjob and it’d still be great! Right?
Part 6
"And normally, I like curry."
In another round of Get to Know the Crew, Shion whips up a meal for all the men of the Elsa. As if you fanboys weren’t whacking off over Shion enough, now the game designers are telling you she’s an awesome cook. Jesus. Once Ms. Uzuki has placated the men of the ship with homemade curry, she rams her ovapositor down their throats and lays her eggs in their chests. …What?
Part 7
"Big bottom…big bottom…talk about bum cakes, Shion’s got ’em…"
In this recap we get our first mashing together of unrelated party members, as Ziggy and MOMO, chased into hyperspace by U-GEE, are saved by none other than the collection of freakish nincompoops on the Elsa. There’s a robot invasion, a spaceship chase, and an epic boss fight, but all this excitement doesn’t stop the game designers from making the entire ordeal move at a comatose snail’s pace.
Part 8
"Please don’t call the cops on me."
This time out we meet the last of the game’s playable characters, the alternately delicious and wanky Jr., captain of the Durandal and general penis-obsessed 12-year-old boy. In other words, he’s a recapper. And if a recap full of pedophilia and penises isn’t enough for you, Shion makes an appearance to showcase her usual bimboish, dimwitted self. Something for everyone.
Part 9
"The Dungeon That Wouldn’t Die"
Here be the chronicles of my four-hour, hair-pulling journey through a place which is not a cathedral, nor is it a ship, but for some goddamn reason it is called Cathedral Ship. Among the joys and pleasures of this fabulous place are Commander Jerkinov subjecting me to five zillion flashbacks, Shion and everyone else in the party going out of their way to irritate me with inane dialogue, and killer vagina Gnosis. I know you people are amused by my pain, so you’d all better be in stitches by the end, you hear me?
Part 10
"The Sexy Space Escapades of the Durandick"
Now that the gang has joined Jailbait aboard his phallic candy wagon, Shion gets to explore another ship! I could die from the excitement. Among the fun: we get to meet Gaignun Kukai, Jailbait’s sugar-daddy, and we get to witness nature’s greatest miracle. If you consider a spaceship boning a space colony a part of nature. I sure as hell don’t.
Part 11
"Pac…ing?"
Exactly what I love about this game: unreasonably long dungeons and unending strings of cutscenes, all jammed together in a massive glob of bad pacing, with a save point or two stuck in for flavor. This particular glob of bad pacing concerns our heroes’ trip through KOS-MOS’s fucked-up brain via the Encephalon, where they encounter dead-eyed Realian ghosts, swarms of Gnosis, and more traumatic flashbacks than Shion can shake her boobs at. The good news? No one’s wearing a thong this time around.
Part 12
"The Song of Pretentious Villain Monologues."
Albedo attacks our heroes and the citizens of the Kukai Foundation and Second Miltia with two potent weapons: the Song of Nephilim, which attracts more Gnosis than you can shake a phallic object at; and his endless, overblown, vain speechifying. The latter is vastly more terrifying. Also, MOMO has a bad day.
Part 13
"It’s the end…of the game…?"
Finally, the showdown between our heroes and Albedo comes to a head, only not really, because they totally needed to leave the door open for sequels! Our final installment of Xenosaga is a classic one: characters repeat things at each other, Shion is annoying, religious and mythological references are thrown around willy-nilly, and Shion is still annoying. Also, Erde Kaiser is completed at last, and makes me feel like I finished the game with a Game Genie.