CHAOS!!! mutters that they don’t have much time, which I take to be a standard bit of nonsense RPG dialogue since I will have all the time in the world. But Canaan asks if this is about the U.R.T.V.s, or “Those designer children?” They are fashionable, it’s true. “Yes. That’s right,” CHAOS!!! replies. “We need to protect them from the coming crisis, if and when it occurs.” Of course CHAOS!!! has magical plot foresight. Not all of his magic powers were housed in his dick, it seems. Canaan says, “You do realize that’s a different story from what I heard in my official briefing.” Yeah, I imagine it’d be hard to include wizard-granted foreshadowing of future events in a briefing. CHAOS!!! explains that the cute designer boys were sent in ahead of the invasion force, for reasons Canaan already knows: namely to fuck up the connection between the original Golden Penis Plate and U-GEE’s weapons. Super nice of Canaan and CHAOS!!! to have this conversation entirely for my benefit. Given how they’re running out of time and such. CHAOS!!! goes on, not even looking at his watch, that while the U.R.T.V.s are an important part of their military strategy, “Unfortunately, the brass are also blind to the potential dangers of the U.R.T.V.s.” He doesn’t bother expanding on this particular point, but clearly the concern is that one of them will go insane and then go into hiding for 14 years before returning to wreak havoc.

Are those lop ears?

Also, while I’m here, how exactly will they be extracting these U.R.T.V.s? E.S. Asher can only hold two people. Does CHAOS!!! have a bag of holding somewhere on his person that he’s going to shove Jailbait and his brothers into? Is that where his penis is hiding?

The longer CHAOS!!!’s penis insists on not being present, the more I can’t stop thinking about it. But lucky for me, the cutscene is finally over and I can get to some mech-on-mech action. Oh, wait. No. First, Asher passes a giant golden save point bobbing in midair and Canaan’s all, “DURRRRRR, WHAT’S THAT, I’VE NEVER LEFT MY HOUSE BEFORE.” CHAOS!!! replies, “It’s a save point. What the fuck, man?” That was actually me. How did Canaan get assigned to this crucial mission if he’s this new to how this shit works?

If Canaan were just a clueless rube who needed CHAOS!!! to explain to him the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, that would be at least a tolerable level of stupid. But no. At the next junction, when Asher encounters an overturned semi truck in front of the Mall of Miltia, Canaan flips the script. “That wrecked truck is blocking our way,” he mansplains. “You’ll automatically lock onto anything destructible when you get close to it. Press square to destroy it.” And maybe that’s just Canaan being an arrogant dick and assuming CHAOS!!! is stupid? Nope, sorry! “There are a lot of obstacles,” CHAOS!!! says in front of two destructible tanks. “Is it possible to shoot at multiple targets?” DUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR. And let’s not even get into how the Vector Boomstick either existed 14 years prior to Shion’s Super Special Mary Sue Prototype or it was never a necessary gadget to begin with because everybody can just blow up objects normally.

I am so tired already. This is going to be hell. On the next screen, I faceplant into another cutscene. Canaan asks CHAOS!!!, “So tell me…what exactly are we expecting to happen here?” A broad, but fair, question, given that CHAOS!!! apparently knows everything in the universe except for how to fire his laser cannon at scrap metal without a thorough tutorial. “Well,” CHAOS!!! replies, “the problem is that the U.R.T.V.s aren’t merely machines. They’re real people with their consciousness intact.” So the fuck what, you–and Canaan, judging from the look on his face–are clearly thinking. What follows is a loooooooong explanation from CHAOS!!! that I will try to sum up in a less irritating way: the Golden Penis Plate energy the U.R.T.V.s are trying to disrupt is the same energy that powers the U.M.N., aka the magical space travel columns. (Jumping ahead a tiny bit: this wavelength is actually UUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOO. Gasp!) And that energy, if touched by actual people, usually results in them going fucking crazy and/or dying horribly. Which, we know, is what is about to happen to poor batfuck Albedo. “Lieutenant General [Mace Windu] concluded that if contact with the system led to the destruction of the human mind, then even the U.R.T.V.s, created as the system’s antithesis, might be affected,” CHAOS!!! says. Run through my bullshit translator, that means it was always a spectacularly dumb idea to use Jailbait and crew for this mission in the first place, and Mace is covering his ass. Canaan more or less echoes this sentiment. Just so we’re all on the same page!

Asher slowly lumbers forward, since we’re all in such a hurry here. But on the next screen, there’s finally an “enemy A.M.W.S.” to fight. See, Gnosis aren’t a known thing yet, so we can’t have A.G.W.S., so we instead have A.M.W.S., which are not E.S. units since they don’t have sparkly special sooooouls, and…you all don’t care, and neither do I. This goddamn series. On the battle screen, one guy, probably Canaan, says he’s going to walk the other guy through the battle system. There’s a lot left over from the first game’s mechanics–notably enemy type (though Canaan mentions Gnosis which don’t technically exist yet), turn order, boosting, and different buttons corresponding to different attacks–but it’s actually a pretty different animal. Well, it’s a pretty different animal when it comes to normal, non-mech battle. Mech battles are still boring and pointless, so we’ll talk about this shit later. Asher bayonets some drab gray military A.M.W.S. and then does a celebratory dance. I would love to know which member of this two-man monotone crew is responsible for the dance moves.

We need to hurry this along, because there’s more fun pursuits in store than Canaan and CHAOS!!! taking turns pissing me off. Asher continues to lurch through the streets of Miltia, encountering more A.M.W.S., more basic shit Canaan can mansplain (traps are still a thing!), and a few treasure chests I’m unsure I should even bother with. Am I still going to have the stuff when the flashback ends? Has CHAOS!!! been secreting these crucial items away from me for 14 years? In his bag of holding, with his penis? Let’s go with that, since I’m opening the damn chests anyway.

So let’s fast-forward to Asher going deeper into the city, making squeaky sounds all the while, as Canaan enjoys an improbably smooth ride in the cockpit with none of the bouncing the vehicle is actually doing. Suddenly he and CHAOS!!! are bathed in bright white light from up ahead, as a familiar song–or Song–begins to play. As they stare at the light pillar, CHAOS!!! identifies the Song of Nephilim for Canaan, adding, “I can’t believe it. Even [U-GEE] has to be aware of the danger of the song.” Yeah, when I think of Xenosaga, I think of a bunch of people who always make informed choices, based on complete information about how logically and consistently the world works. Also…we’ve already seen insane rioting Realians. But wasn’t that caused by the Song? Why are we only hearing it now? I actually went out of my way to know what I’m talking about this time around, and barely half an hour in I’ve already encountered something I don’t understand. Super.

“No!” CHAOS!!! moans. “If this keeps up–” and he’s cut off as a nearby tanker truck explodes. Oh no! The Song of Nephilim is wrecking the joint! It’s going to piledrive E.S. Asher through the Spanish announcers’ table! Oh, wait, it’s just a bunch of A.M.W.S. ambushing them. Boring. CHAOS!!! sends out a signal to let these dudes know they’re all on the same side–are they? I do not know anymore–but the signal goes ignored. Eventually somebody opens a comm line, though, and there’s a lot of giggling and shrieking and Song of Nephilim-induced nuttiness. Maybe the Song was played more than once here? I give up. While CHAOS!!! is breathily freaking out about their situation, one of the A.M.W.S. fires again and blasts one of Asher’s arms off. Weakened and vulnerable, Canaan holds his head and we’re treated to a track of his heart thumping as he too starts freaking out and succumbing to the Song himself. Looks like Wilhelm’s guarantee that he’d remain a non-crazy Realian is holding up as well as I thought it would. CHAOS!!! tries to talk him off the ledge, but Canaan and Asher itself are glowing with blue and purple light and getting ready to wipe out some motherfuckers with extreme prejudice. Then they both die, and the resulting paradox wipes out the last game and creates a paradox in the real world, wiping my memory of Shion’s tits and MOMO’s sexual assault. Yay!

What a fun alternate universe that would be. Thankfully, I GUESS, just in time, the offending motherfuckers are wiped out with extreme prejudice by someone else, and Canaan gets his shit together. The two of them take a gander at their savior, and we get a gratuitously slow pan of a pale green mech with a giant one-handed sword, complete with a dramatic choir track in the background. For those of us watching for Xenogears callbacks, there may as well be flashing text on the screen that says, “IT’S JUST LIKE FENRIR! IT’S CITAN! YOU GUYS!!!” Fauxrir is broadcasting a signal to them, and a deep male voice comes over the comm: “Attention, unidentified craft. I’ve received your IFF signal. The other crafts have been tainted, but you seem unaffected. Are you an ally?” Yeah, Asher seemed totally unaffected when it was threatening to go nuclear 10 seconds ago.

A choir AND a spotlight tech following him around!

Everyone involved decides to trust each other for the practical purpose of getting out of this mess, and the man in Fauxrir asks them, in a very badass tone, to wait quietly while he eliminates some more crazy dudes in A.M.W.S. He and his sword do so, though Canaan and CHAOS!!! do help take out a few more with the machine gun mounted on Asher’s remaining arm. There are a lot of explosions, and cool dudes not looking at said explosions. At the precise moment the skirmish is over, the pillar of light from up ahead disappears. Gotta make sure all this stuff happens in the same cutscene! Efficiency!

Asher is still not doing great, and now Fauxrir is significantly the worse for wear, so all three of the pilots exit their vehicles. The man in Fauxrir is in a Federation uniform, complete with helmet and dark visor, because it is of critical importance to keep this man’s identity a complete secret for as long as possible. We are all going to be so shocked when we see him! He is still standing on top of Fauxrir when one last A.M.W.S. they all somehow missed lunges for his head with its giant arms, in hilarious slow motion. CHAOS!!! and Canaan are making also hilarious silent “Noooooooo” faces, but the mystery man calmly loosens his sword (his own, not Fauxrir’s giant one) from its scabbard with a shink! and slices the mech clean in half. That…that is some sword, sir. “Truly amazing,” CHAOS!!! says. Remember, this is a dude who will shortly discover that he can evaporate Gnosis with his bare hands. This may as well be the medal ceremony of the Gary Stu Olympics.

Finally, Gary Stu hops down and takes his helmet off. It should come as no surprise that the mystery man in Citan Uzuki’s old Gear is this game’s Citan stand-in, and Shion’s totally mean and non-saintly brother, Jin Uzuki. He’s been wearing a tight helmet for maybe hours but his ponytailed hair is perfect, with long dark strands framing his face just so. Of course. Jin tells them to leave, mansplaining, “This place…affects people. Some stop being people altogether.” CHAOS!!! and Canaan should already have this well and figured out, but CHAOS!!! still Shions, “They stop being people?” Jin does not reply, “Wow, that was weird, you just reminded me of my dipshit baby sister who never shuts up.”

‘It’s like the heavens are weeping at my beauty.’

Once Canaan indicates that they can’t leave because they have a mission to complete, everyone makes with the full introductions and exposition regarding the U.R.T.V.s. Yeah, we’ve all had enough of that for one recap. “Well, this is quite a coincidence,” Jin says. “Although, it’s more than that–fate perhaps.” At this exact moment, it begins pouring rain, though it’s just regular rain and not tiny anvils. But I guess the fateincidence is that Jin here knows where the goddamn designer boys are and will lead them there. So that’s something. And who knows? Maybe at some point Canaan and Jin will decide to get out of those wet clothes.

Jin must have left Fauxrir with a full tank of gas.

They walk away and, for no reason, the detritus of wrecked mechs erupts in a giant fireball behind them. Spoiler: Asher is very much a thing going forward, so I’m guessing it somehow escapes this explosion unscathed. Whatever. CHAOS!!! runs through the streets (watching now, I can only guess I didn’t want to change Jin to lead character because I was looking for evidence of CHAOS!!!’s missing penis, this game’s version of the Lindbergh baby) and encounters some U-GEE soldiers on foot. Great, now all that combat explaining I put off before has come to roost. Jin takes one look at CHAOS!!! (Canaan is not a battle character) and surmises that he’s never been in hand-to-hand combat before. I know, he looks like a skinny baby thing, but God. To pare down Jin’s explanation: like in Xenosaga, using different button combos leads to different types of attacks. Unlike in Xenosaga, the buttons correspond to a letter (A, B, or C, in turn corresponding to different areas of the body, I guess), and different enemies are susceptible to different letter combos, which break them. Broken enemies can be knocked to the ground or knocked into the air (Jin can knock up, CHAOS!!! can knock down), making it possible with charging and boosting to run a train on them with the entire party. This is, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, pretty fun. Well, it’s a chore for normal battles like this one, but during a boss fight when strategy is required to get the combo going? Actually fun. I’m sure this is one of many, many ways I part ways with the Xenosaga fandom at large, and I don’t especially care. Even one minor aspect of this game being fun is a pleasant surprise.

CHAOS!!! continues up the street, encountering more U-GEE soldiers, cars to blow up (he apologizes to them first–no, really), and even a red Segment Address door. But for now I get to skip the spiel on that nonsense since apparently it has to be delivered to Shion personally, a second time, 14 years from now. (The fact that it’s even here is making my head hurt and I’m going to do my best not to think about it.) Jin has one more tutorial for CHAOS!!!, this time on using special commands, including joint special attacks. (The tutorial, by the way, abruptly shifts from Jin talking to CHAOS!!! talking halfway through. Do the writers of this series have some kind of illness that prevents them from staying in one person’s point of view?) The demonstration ends in the two of them performing a completely overwrought double attack called Ice Brand, in which CHAOS!!! descends from heaven, having just said goodbye to his last penis, maybe, and throws a load of magical ice crystals at Jin, who slams them back the other way with his sword and into their foe. That is quite a bit of choreography for two people who just met.

Double attacks also teleport the participants into Space Paranoids.

“It will be a long time before my sword can rest,” Jin says at the end of one battle. I am going to take this as the sexiest possible foreshadowing.

That is a butthole, and this is a sex toy emporium. Canon.

Further up the street–sorry, but it’s difficult to make this little journey interesting–Jin is in the middle of telling Canaan and CHAOS!!! about how this entire conflict is something of a sham. “It’s all part of an attempt to make the [U-GEE] Organization, or should I say, all of Miltia, into a scapegoat,” he says. That’s…not quite the entire truth of it. But we’re getting there! “Even the Realian violence that we’re seeing right now is nothing more than a brush stroke in the larger picture.” He’s such a pretentious poet of a man, and I love it. He’s like Jailbait without the deepset feelings of inappropriateness. Anyway. “[U-GEE] is undoubtedly a cover for a greater power still operating in the shadows,” Jin goes on. “I believe that this power is manipulating the conflict between the Federation and the Miltian system, driving a sequence of events in order to get their hands on something very specific.” Now, here, Jin is precisely correct, to the point that I would like for the game to show its work regarding how he reached these conclusions. Especially given that most of what he’s saying now won’t even be borne out until the end of the next game. But Jin is, like CHAOS!!!, maddeningly in the know about whatever the plot requires him to know. But he’s hotter, so I’ll allow it. To the point, this thing these shadow people want is the MacGuffin Data, OBVIOUSLY. More surprising is the fact that Jin happens to be in possession of the MacGuffin Data, after he “relieved” a U-GEE operative of it. And also of his life. “And though I was only able to decode it partially,” he tells them, “I discovered that all manner of data from all existing phenomena is gathered together within an area of space. And beyond that lies a special place only described in the [MacGuffin] Data.” Let us all bask in the radiant light of meaninglessness that is that statement. Its vapid warmth fills my heart.

*loud slurping sounds*

The scene ends–possibly because Canaan and CHAOS!!! are brought up short on what they can possibly say in response to something so stupid–as the three of them gaze into the distance at their eventual destination, the twin pointy penis antenna towers of Labyrinthos. To get there, CHAOS!!! destroys several giant blocks covered in primary colored digital advertisements for Vector. “Ashes to ashes,” he murmurs as he gives these nonsentient objects the sweet release of death, which they do not understand because they are blocks with screens on them. The way clear, CHAOS!!! runs with zero energy under the overpass, and into another cutscene.