A year ago, I noted that the only thing that could render a visit to the technobabble world of Xenosaga II escapist fun was that it was specifically escapism from our 2017 vista of despair. And then I began this recap making the exact same point, having forgotten that I’d already done so. Which leads me to a couple of points: 1) I have accidentally started some kind of Christmas tradition of spending my time and energy on these goobers, which might mean I secretly hate Christmas; and 2) uh, 2018! It’s been good as hell, right? Yeah!

As for what’s been going on in this cosmic joke: last time, I died, Albedo possibly also died, and due to some traps within traps within traps that I will not even pretend to have made heads or tails of, the MacGuffin Data finally broke free of its little girl brain prison and showed everyone the way to Old Miltia. Bitchin’, right? This plot is finally cooking with gas! Let’s have some space battllllllllles! *guitar solo*

Wait, the game has a better idea: let’s burn through acres of plot via some hurried montages, narrated once again by Ms. Shion Uzuki! What’s the opposite of a guitar solo? I guess this. As Dr. Yuri runs into a room full of pink pantsuits at the U.M.N. Control Center, presumably right after MOMO’s awakening, Shion reminds us in voiceover, “When Albedo released the seal, the lost path to Old Miltia was reopened once again.” Margulis and Pellegri look out the windows of a ship in deep space as a pair of black holes emerges from nothing. Mace Windu sighs as three randos yell at each other in his office. Wilhelm and his mysterious consigliere who is Totally Not Kevin sit in his dark quarters, Wilhelm fingering his chin “deep” in “thought.” Pope Exposition prays at his Tree of Life altar, zzzzzz. “In response to this incident,” Shion goes on, so we know why all of these players are getting airtime, “the Federation government and the Immigrant Fleet both began their invasion into Miltian space. Their objective was to gain control over the original [Golden Penis Plate] which was still sleeping on Miltia.” When is it not about that goddamn thing?

“However,” Shion says, as some buttplug-shaped ships near the Miltian black holes get bombarded with lasers from a bunch of giant X-Wings (*tentative, hopeful guitar lick*), “the Immigrant Fleet had anticipated this incident and successfully broke through the Federation’s blockade. The Immigrant Fleet began their descent into Old Miltia. In its confusion, the Federation government’s response was slow and disorganized.” It is rich of Shion to criticize anyone for being slow and disorganized, but her point is made by some dorks in jumpsuits yelling impotently as their Super X-Wings get nuked from orbit. “Though they deployed ships to try and secure the region, the Federation was unable to stop the Immigrant Fleet’s advance.” The Immigrant Fleet’s ships, indeed, power on through the twin butthole gate to Miltia as Shion trails off. Well, that all seems bad! Guess Margulis wins, but good try, everybody!

Look, it’s Shion and Ziggy’s capacity for memory retention and complex thought!

We are shunted from Shion’s narration to Pope Exposition confabbing with Margulis. I never thought I would say this, but that is a definite downgrade–at least Shion was limited by a short script and didn’t have the opportunity to neg Corey or flip out over a bookstore. “I see that Miltia and the Subcommittee have begun to take action,” the Pope says. Ooh, not them! They might have a meeting at you! “And there’s news that Vector is taking part, as well.” That seems like slightly more of a threat, if they actually let someone with a lick of sense deploy KOS-MOS in battle. His question, then, is if Margulis can handle these varying nuisances, which Margulis assures him he can. “I have already dispatched the Inquisitors,” he says. “The disheveled Federation will be no match for us.” Sending out lackeys always works. Nothing to worry about.

Pope Exposition regards Margulis for a long moment, as if wondering whether to point out that he wants him to handle this and not his brainless underlings. What he lands on, I think, is making the same point, just with a hair more passive-aggression. “I have faith in you,” he says. “Not as an Inquisitor, but as a comrade who shares the same goals. I want you to show me the strength of your devotion. Do you understand?” Margulis says he does and bows his head. But he’s not going to immediately jump in a ship and engage the infidels in mortal combat, so I am pretty sure he does not. This is the cascading effect of always talking to each other with hammers–nobody takes a goddamn hint without it walloping them square in the face, and eventually everyone stops trying to communicate any other way.

Speaking of taking a hammer to my face, Shion is back! “Meanwhile,” she says, over some B-roll of more ships taking off from an aircraft carrier, “after receiving orders to appear before Vector, Shion and [Corey] returned to the [Dämmerhung], stationed in Miltian space.” Yes, she really refers to events in her own life in the third person! Given that she definitely did not do this in her prior voiceover, either her meltdown at her brother and the drama of the Encephalon finally broke Shion, or the writers thought it was not at all weird to put a third-person omniscient account into the mouth of the VERY MUCH NON-OMNISCIENT, CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH, main character. I mean, I guess it’s hard to shell out for another voice actor when you spent all your money on making the game look worse. I get it.

Right, where were we? Shion talking about her life like she watched it over her own shoulder? Sure. Shion and Corey, in the montage, are greeted after deplaning by some Vector nerds, including dear sweet Miyuki, and bless her heart, she looks like being in Shion’s presence again has just made all her lesbian dreams come true. I’ve never been sadder for anyone, and Corey is standing right there. But enough about this Shion person, whoever she is, certainly not the crazy lady yelling at a blank black space from a wooden chair. We are told that Mace sent the Miltian Space Force–for offense AND defense–to support the Federation fleet. But that wily Mace, always in the thick of everything, was not content to only jump with both feet into a space war. “[Mace] also planned out a covert operation to acquire the original [GPP] on Miltia. This mission was secretly supported by both Vector and the [Jedi Council], and would be carried out by the Kukai Foundation.” This infodump is accompanied by some, even for this series, pretty insulting quick cuts to the relevant power players, namely Mace, Wilhelm, Dr. Yuri, and Gaignun, all of whom have been in this montage already. Give me a little credit to remember who all these boring assholes are. One day someone I love is going to be choking to death in a restaurant and I won’t know how to save them because the Heimlich maneuver was pushed out by a vivid mental image of Shion’s imaginary rabbit friend.

Shion has more than one person in the universe who looks at her this way. Well, it’s suicide for me!

“Cool mission,” you’re no doubt saying because you want me to get the fuck on with it, “but who’s going to carry it out? Someone really competent that we’ve never met, no doubt.” Sorry to disappoint you. We cut from Gaignun “Eric Trump” Kukai to the bridge of the Elsa, where Jailbait (or “Junior,” oh no) relays Gaignun’s orders to my dude Captain Matthews. Between Ziggy’s brain falling all the fucking way out and Jailbait being a pulsing fireball of ladyboner-killing brother issues now, Matthews is maybe my only hope for this not being unbearable. As, yes, it will be the Elsa crew carrying our brave GPP thieves toward their mission on Miltia–a contrivance I’m tolerating because it gets Boozer Banzai Daddy involved, even though one would think this is important enough to deploy the Durandick. Chesty and Busty are even on board, buffing and waxing all the mechs for the occasion!

And just in case the Elsa didn’t seem cramped enough already: “In addition, to ensure the absolute success of this mission,” Shion reads off her teleprompter, “several new members also joined their ranks.” We watch as the two newbies (which is not “several,” but I’ll let that slide) make their oddly abrupt and inorganic introductions on the bridge: Canaan and Jin.

Yeah! That fucking Jin! We’ve established that this narrator is not Shion but is a, uh, more lobotomized version, or some kind of weird fleshbag with her voice, so I think we can all accept with knowing nods that the narrator here does not display any emotion or surprise at this turn of events. But surely Shion, the character in this story, will, at some later point when she inevitably reunites with Team Elsa, have something to say about her brother–the brother she had a blowout, never-coming-back-from-the-things-I-said fight with FUCKING YESTERDAY–being recruited to this mission, despite her having no clue he has ever done anything in his life but be a “dooooooctor” and read “booooooks”? Friends, SHE WILL NOT! Not one solitary syllable! I know!

A brief announcement: we will not be discussing Captain Matthews’s invention of the MAGA hat. I appreciate your respect for my privacy at this time. Thank you.

It is not adequate to say the seams are showing on this game. It is all seams.

Mercifully, Shion’s voiceover is concluded and cannot hurt me any further, but for a different approach on hurting me, Dr. Yuri and MOMO are here to hurriedly advance their mother/daughter bond before MOMO flies off through a black hole with her boyfriend and a wang trapped in a baggy jumpsuit. Yuri notes that “the situation” is bad enough that this Old Miltia mission needs to happen as soon as possible, which as usual is delayed by people like her talking about it. MOMO just goes, “Yes,” because what else is there to say? Every syllable is a delay! Yuri has more information for MOMO that she certainly must already have: “According to Representative [Windu], if they use your 100-Series prototype special navigational skills, they could potentially travel to Old Miltia undetected.” Silly me–I jumped straight ahead to MOMO obviously going on this mission because why the hell wouldn’t she, and they’re still discussing whether she should. This seems like a good use of time and resources when an epic space battle staged between two black holes was just relegated to a montage narrated by Shion. MOMO, again, replies, “Yes.” Jesus. This is some primo momsplaining.

The sad piano in the background foreshadows Dr. Yuri’s point here, which is that “It’ll be very dangerous.” This is not new for MOMO, but it’s new for Dr. Yuri because she suddenly gives a shit! “But I can’t put the entire star cluster at risk because of my personal feelings.” The pause she takes before “personal feelings” is telling, like she’s never had these words in her mouth before. Which person in this scene is the robot again?

MOMO, the person going on the dangerous mission, steps over to comfort her mommy, the person at no risk whatsoever. But Dr. Yuri appreciates it, albeit demonstrated by a sad gaze at the monitor in front of her, and not by, like, a hug or something. “It feels strange to me now,” she says, nominally at MOMO, but you get the idea here. “For some reason I don’t want to let you go.” ERROR ERROR MATERNAL INSTINCTS UP 150 PERCENT, DANGEROUS LEVELS, SHUTDOWN IN 20 SECONDS. Poor MOMO just keeps saying “Mommy…” because she just doesn’t know what to do about this woman almost caring about her. Everyone is on unfamiliar ground! “It’s just like he…like Ziggurat said…” Yuri goes on. “You and Sakura are two completely different people. The Sakura that Rubedo described to me was a carefree tomboy. But you… You’re a thoughtful, dependable young woman. That’s why I want to get to know you better.” Was it truly necessary to dump on her dead daughter to praise the living one? “Sakura was a flaky pain in the ass, but YOU are just the best.” It will never stop blowing my mind how bad Yuri is at this. She should not have children, plastic or fleshy.

For the first time in this scene, Yuri looks MOMO in the face to tell her, duhhhhhhhh, this mission will be difficult. “But make sure you come back,” she says. “I’ll be waiting.” It’s the closest she gets to the mark of “actual mother with a soul,” so of course, MOMO replies, “Yes!” She has only said two words in this entire scene. I wonder if this is because her cognitive abilities are still fucked up from Albedo and “Yes” and “Mommy” are all she currently can say. All the more reason not to send her off on the Elsa, but Yuri’s motherly instincts have not quite reached “Actually protect child from harm” yet. She’s only been a mother for 26 years! We have to give her time!

Happy, happy families. So happy.