In our inaugural foray into the pretentious, silly world of Xenosaga II, the game put us in the middle of a Miltian Conflict blast to the past. I also learned that Margulis was only ever missing one thing that would make him an interesting character, and that one thing was scorching hot foeyay chemistry with Jin Uzuki. See how easy that was?

We convene “14 years later,” like, duh, thanks, at a phallic spire of a building that is home to the government offices of Second Miltia. We’re actually first checking in again with Canaan, to see how he’s doing with that MacGuffin Data he promised a dying hot man that he’d decrypt. Turns out, not great? It is strongly implied that the entire prologue was within Canaan’s memories, and the abrupt cutoff was due to him being engulfed by UUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, which may have fried not only his memories but the MacGuffin Data as well. Whoops. The technician working with Canaan–while the Realian reclines in a futuristic dentist’s chair–says that that was Canaan’s best attempt yet at recovering his memories and data, but Canaan only has a put-upon sigh in response to this news. “I remember the first time as if it was yesterday,” Canaan’s tech says. “My son was born the next day.” Fascinating. Canaan asks how old he is, and before I can shout out, “I THINK HE’S 14 YEARS OLD, MAYBE,” the guy responds that the kid is just starting junior high. So…more like 12? FINE. I guess Canaan didn’t exactly start working on data recovery that evening. Don’t all call me Shion at once.

‘It was in the back seat of your T-Bird in the Wendy’s parking lot. I was nervous, but excited.’

The tech thankfully goes back to matters at hand instead of whipping out a digital wallet full of digital photos of his fucking kid. “It’s…it’s gotta be that shadow,” he duhs. “I mean, think about it. Its influence severs your data-link every time. If we only knew what it was, then we could access the data he gave you.” Yeah, I know I’m jumping the gun by telling you it’s UUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and I’m not sure it’s ever even confirmed that it is. Don’t care. I am just going to say UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO whenever I feel like it.

They have to cut this riveting conversation short, because Mace Windu is summoning Canaan to his office. The tech asks Canaan to “report today’s results” while he’s up there. “I’m not your secretary, you know,” Canaan replies dickishly, as if he would have only brought it up on request. What else do Canaan and Mace even have to talk about that’s more important than this? “But today is my son’s birthday,” the tech whines. Okay, a) when he said he remembered their first time like yesterday, I didn’t think that meant yesterday was the literal anniversary of that day, and b) he’s already at work today, but going to Mace’s office is too much for his kid’s special day? Whatever, man. The tech sighs loudly at Canaan. It’s like this guy doesn’t even remember that he’s property and not a real person! Jeez.

We cut to Mace’s office, and it turns out Canaan reported the results to him anyway. So that entire last bit of the last scene was a massive waste of time. Good to know. Mace is basically like “Oh well,” which makes sense because he figures MOMO is almost in his hands at this point, and she has it too. “I understand that it’s data concerning the Miltian Conflict,” Canaan says. “Is it really that important?” Is this really a conversation they’re having 14 years after the fact? And for the reasons I outlined, no, it’s not that important now. “Yes, it is,” Mace replies. Jesus.

Mace exposits for my benefit, except not really, that the truth of the Miltian Conflict is in that data–yes, Jin made that explicitly clear–and that Jin was also Mace’s subordinate at the time. “What ever happened to him?” Canaan wonders. “Oh, he died that night. I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that,” Mace doesn’t tell him. I mean, we know Jin survived the Miltian Conflict, but come on. Mace instead takes Canaan’s neutrally expressed question as a sign that he’s on the verge of tears. “I thought you were a model with suppressed emotions,” he says. You’d think Canaan was sobbing into his jumpsuit sleeve. “I’m just curious,” Canaan replies, with no change in tone. “He is the one who saddled me with this nuisance, after all.” So cute how he’s trying to downplay his emotions by pretending to be put out by this whole thing, and also by genuinely not caring that much. But Mace prevents Canaan from melting down into a melodramatic heap by telling him that Jin has since left the military. “I hear he’s doing fine,” he says. “His sister is a real bitch though.” That was me.

*lifts up Jedi robes*

They still haven’t gotten to the reason Mace summoned Canaan. Mace has another job for him, and brings up a picture of MOMO on his monitor. “We’ll be executing a dive into her subconscious domain at the Administration Bureau,” Mace says. “I’d like to request your assistance.” Mace somehow fails to mention that this dive into MOMO’s brain is an attempt to extract the very data Canaan’s been trying to recover for 12 goddamn years, and that MOMO had it that entire time. Nor does anybody ever tell MOMO, “Hey, don’t panic about that MacGuffin Data your daddy gave you, because we have another Realian who’s working on recovering it as well.” Seems like both the ginger Realians could have been saved a lot of grief here. I would tell you there’s a good reason neither of these conversations ever happen, but I just can’t lie to you like that. Blissfully in the dark about how futile his near lifelong trauma over the MacGuffin Data has been, Canaan receives his orders to meet MOMO and her crew at the Second Miltia spaceport. “Sounds to me like there’s more to it than that,” Canaan says. You ain’t kidding, son. Mace writes off his precaution as just that, thanks to a rise in both the activity from U-GEE and another organization we will become acquainted with in short order, the Immigrant Fleet.

And by “short order,” I mean right fucking now. Why not? The longer we delay in getting to Shion, the better, I say. Elsewhere, in a chapel lit only by thin tapers and torches, an elderly man in fancy, bejeweled papal vestments (minus the pope hat, sadly) is kneeling before a large symbol, rendered in gold and silver, of a pointy cross with a tree growing out of it. Yeah, don’t look at me. As Pope Exposition kneels at the altar, a woman walks toward him. She looks damn near exactly like Wonderbra, if Wonderbra favored high and tight side ponytails and fancy strapless dresses with 500 belts on them. Did I just describe Iggy Azalea? Anyway. Iggy (real name Orgulla, which I somehow never, ever remember, maybe because it almost never comes up) tells her boss, “I have news concerning the matter of the [MacGuffin] Data. Chief Inquisitor Margulis wishes to convey the details to you directly.” So Margulis (and Iggy’s non-twin Wonderbra) not only work for U-GEE but for this organization? I will spend the hours to come failing spectacularly to keep all these shadow organizations straight.

Iggy leaves after her one line, and a hologram of Margulis appears on the floor, kneeling before the Pope. Margulis drones, “Your Eminence, it is an honor to be in your presence.” Of course, he isn’t, because he’s a fucking hologram, but whatever. Pope Exposition tells him to stop being a kiss-ass. “I understand that the Realian in possession of the [MacGuffin] Data has fallen into the hands of the Kukai Foundation.” I maybe gave him the wrong name, because even though this is in fact exposition, the Pope is severely behind the times. Sticking with it. As an invisible person playing the pipe organ behind the tree-cross literally punctuates Margulis’s words, making him somehow even more overwrought than normal, Margulis confirms his boss’s intel. “However…” he adds, “According to the U.R.T.V., Albedo, the [MacGuffin] Data is secured by a form of high-level protection, only accessible at the U.M.N. Control Center on Second Miltia, hence the current situation. Preparations for our next move are already underway.” Oh, I am so sure. Please tell me all about them–the invisible organist is paid by the hour, after all.

(Worth noting that we’ve heard about needing to get MOMO to the U.M.N. Control Center on Second Miltia for this purpose several times by now. But I don’t get it yet!!! Wait, maybe Shion can repeat it back to me in a questioning tone of voice. That might help.)

Pope Exposition switches gears and starts at least providing exposition I haven’t heard yet, lest I put my head through my desk: “I’ve heard that the recent offensive against Second Miltia was the result of Cardinal Heinlein’s manipulation of the Federation’s military’s upper ranks. What do you know of this?” Margulis (I believe) lies and says he has no idea, but adds, “I would presume that all of the Cardinal’s decisions are made in the organization’s best interests.” We’ll get more into this Cardinal’s deal later, but suffice it to say for now that Pope Exposition is threatened by him, possibly because he has a bigger penis. “Your words…” the Pope asks. “I would imagine it is safe for me to trust them?” Listen, Pope Exposition, this guy’s words are so cheap and full of bullshit that I used his dialogue to play Mad Libs in the last game’s recaps. But no, Margulis’s word is his fucking bond, man. Margulis tells him, his voice dripping heavily with fake sincerity, “I have sworn fealty to Your Holiness. I would never allow myself to be manipulated by ancient dogma.” See what I mean, Pope? What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t know, and I bet you don’t either. The Pope pretends he knows what Margulis just said and accepts it. He also tells Margulis that he’s planning “an invasion of the demilitarized zone in the near future.” We will be getting to that way later. For now I’ll just say he’s not restarting the Korean War. Maybe. Who even fucking knows anymore?

One last parting shot from Pope Exposition: “I don’t like that U.R.T.V. He reminds me of someone…someone vulgar.” Well, he is someone vulgar. I don’t want to talk about it. He’s only saying this for Margulis’s information–he and Albedo can still go to the prom if Margulis wants, but he’d better not give up the goods or he’s out of the family. I don’t know. Margulis ends the transmission…

Pretty sure these are the names of her two favorite vibrators.

…And we stay with him, wherever the hell he is at the moment. Some ship in space somewhere. “They get suspicious when they get old,” he says to no one, chuckling. “The weaker they are, the louder they bark.” That’s basically everyone in this game. Wonderbra appears onscreen on the bridge to give her boss an update: “I have Hermann and Richard pursuing the target as we speak.” The target is MOMO, obviously, but who are Richard and Hermann? I mean, I don’t care, but still. Margulis tells her, “As this is an independent Inquisitor operation, I’m granting you permission to use the E.S. Issachar.” He says this like he’s giving her the green light on pegging him as a special birthday treat, but Wonderbra is less than impressed. “E.S.?” she asks. “You mean those thousand-year-old relics? Do they still work?” Margulis non-answers, at least from my perspective, “The E.S. is equipped with the Vessel of Anima.” But Wonderbra is convinced, I guess, because she Shions, “The Vessel of Anima…” The Vessels of Anima, Margulis explains, were discovered at the same time as the Golden Penis Plates. Effectively they are the aforementioned souls of the E.S. I bet you all missed having a book’s worth of jargon to remember for these recaps. I sure did!