Around the corner, there is a large bunny standing in Shion’s path. Actually, it’s a Bunnie. This day is getting better and better. Bunnie, or “Agent Bunnie” as she is labeled here, sucks Shion into a cutscene vortex and prevents her from walking past. “Congratulations!” Agent Bunnie says. “You’ve been chosen to be a Civilian Agent for the GS Campaign!” Given that this abomination is basically Shion’s version of Clippy for Outlook, I have to think she’s been infected by malware and is about to offer Shion a free Moby Dick’s Café gift card if she just answers some simple questions about the digits in her Social Security and credit card numbers. But Shion trusts Bunnie, and incidentally is a moron, so she’s all, “Ooh, what’s that?” Bunnie proceeds to explain the deal: “The GS Campaign is the Global Samaritan Campaign sponsored by Second Miltia! It’s a campaign by the U.M.N. to gather and share data by improving the lives of everyday people. In order to do that, Civilian Agents investigate what people want or need!” To put a finer point on it, the U.M.N. is collecting user data to sell to the highest bidder while pretending doing so helps better serve the public. Yup: it’s Facebook. I bet Nikolai is U.M.N.-stalking the shit out of Shion’s wall right now.

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Now, dogs know Shion is going to help with this, because she’s so KIND and HELPFUL, so let’s talk details. Agent Bunnie insists, “It’s so incredibly simple!” It’d better be if Shion is supposed to manage it. “All you do is talk to different people in different cities and listen to their troubles. Then you solve their problems for them!” SO SIMPLE, YOU GUYS. I hope the very first person she encounters asks her to solve world hunger, or to provide the last digit of pi. To accomplish this incredibly simple task, Agent Bunnie provides “the GS Path,” a new sub-menu that looks like a futuristic advent calendar. Each node–there are a total of 36–represents a dipshit somewhere out there with a problem in need of Shion’s loving care or scientific expertise. Ha, just kidding, they’re basically all fetch quests. Shion has to find these people more or less on her own, but once she does whatever it is they require, she can punch out the little node and get the prize inside. But it’s not chocolate, since we wouldn’t want her getting fat! HEAVEN FORBID.

And we’re not done getting sub-menus and sidequests explained to us! If I had to explore a fantastic futuristic world without the thrill of finding random objects and/or boring-ass people around every corner, I don’t know what I would do. Possibly enjoy myself. Anyway, as Shion walks around another corner into the heart of downtown Second Miltia, she is sucked into another conversation, this time with a young woman standing beside a–sigh–Segment Address door. “I apologize for stopping you,” the woman–who is dressed in a rather contemporary looking maxi dress–says, “but are you Shion Uzuki?” Jesus Christ, I let it go when it was some dork who crushed on her in high school, but how famous is she? And not for being an obnoxious skank, as she should be?

The woman introduces herself as Angelina Swaine, the sister of one Sergeant Swaine. You would be forgiven for not remembering the man, because I never bothered naming him in the recap, but he was the dude obsessed with Segment Address doors who, before he bled out on the Hoglinde, entrusted Shion with the important task of opening all of them. Angelina knows her brother is dead, of course, but asks Shion if he was a valiant soldier, to which Shion blatantly fucking lies in response, “Yes, of course. He was such a wonderful person. He was always cheering everyone up.” I guarantee she just remembered he even existed.

Is this maybe the saddest statement in human history?

Now, as we know, Shion actually did manage to carry out the wonderful Sergeant Swaine’s dying wish to decode and open all the mysterious Segment Address doors. We can at least consider one loose thread from the last game securely tied up. Psych! There are a bunch more doors. “Anyway, before the [Hoglinde] went down,” Angelina says, “my brother transmitted some items to me. There was a message attached to one saying I should give it to you if I ever met you.” But he died, like, right in front of Shion. Did he, then, send this stuff to his sister right before he got shanked by a Gnosis penis appendage? “The message says it’s a Segment File,” Angelina adds. Of course it is–a totally new Segment File, with 18 all-new doors only found in locations in this particular game. That he sent to his sister within about five minutes of giving Shion his records on all the other Segment Address doors. Could have saved everybody some time if he’d just given the entire package to one person or the other.

Or, as long as I’m Monday morning quarterbacking this motherfucker, since someone has to, how about a simple email from Angelina here: “Hi, Shion, we’ve never met, but I am the late Sergeant Swaine’s sister. I saw from his personal records that he entrusted his Segment Address door research to you. But since he died, I’ve discovered that there was an entirely new set of doors he hadn’t discovered! I’ve attached a file detailing these new doors for your use, if you wish. Good luck! – Angelina Swaine.” Boom. Done. And you know how stupid this must be that I’m actually advocating Shion receiving a fucking email instead.

One last thing: Angelina managed to find a decoder on her own, and hands over Decoder 06 to Shion to help her get started. Hilariously, it is the decoder for the very door Angelina is standing next to. So instead of using the decoder she found to open the door and attempt to carry on her deceased brother’s work herself, she stood in this spot, resolutely not looking behind that door, in case Shion fucking Uzuki, Celebrity Engineer, happened to wander by. This was definitely an awesome use of her time. If you care, the chest behind the door contains Secret Key 3, an item that unlocks something called Focus I in the party’s shared skill tree. Maybe Angelina did open this door, but found the resulting “treasure” entirely too esoteric and abstract, put it back, and locked the door again behind her. I’m gonna go with that.

He should–his ‘ANNOYING SISTER FREE TO GOOD HOME’ Craigslist ad is not getting enough eyeballs.

Thanks to Shion’s now bursting index of sidequest bullshit, there are any number of things she could do right now to stall the advance of the plot, but I would rather like to rip off this particular bandaid. So, on the northeastern edge of this district, tucked away in a corner, Shion finds Moby Dick’s Café. The storefront is pretty unassuming and blends into the rest of the city, which we will see momentarily is really odd. The restaurant’s logo features a whale I can only describe as super fucking kawaii. It is one of the only things to like about this place. Let’s get this over with. Shion looks up at the sign and says to herself, “Moby Dick’s Café? Could it be…” How many different Moby Dick’s Cafés could there be on this planet? Seriously, woman. She heads inside.

One day I’m setting up an Instagram account that’s just Shion posing with dicks.

Have you ever been in one of those seafood restaurants that fully, and cheesily, commits to the ocean theme and resembles the interior of a boat? Dark floor-to-ceiling wood planking, portholes, oil lamps, anchors and ropes in the corners, a ship’s wheel and/or a sturgeon mounted on the wall? The kind of place where you have to wear a lobster bib? That’s Moby Dick’s. The music even kind of sounds like a synthesized, vocals-free futuristic sea shanty. The fact that it does not in any way resemble this sort of establishment from the outside is insane, especially given the aforementioned portholes are not on an outer wall, and are almost certainly fake windows. Like, what is the fucking point of having a place look like this, if you can’t also tell from the outside that you’re going to be eating inside a whaling ship? This place needs some curb appeal other than Zettai Kawaii Whale-chan.

The establishment is entirely empty except for a man tending the bar. Shion wanders in, excited that this “really is” Moby Dick’s. Of course she’s excited about a dick. I mean, obviously. “Hey, Boss!” she says enthusiastically to the old man cleaning pint glasses. He makes a noncommittal “Hmmm” noise, which makes Shion giggle, put one hand on her hip, and chirp even more perkily, “Hi!” Yes, he sees you, girl. Tone it down.

Okay, on closer inspection, it makes sense that Shion is excited to see “Boss” (that’s essentially his name, nobody ever calls him anything else), because he’s kind of a silver fox. Personally, I am not at all into his scraggly douche facial hair, or his necklace that he bought at Sugar Ray’s yard sale, or his clear commitment to tanning beds. But he’s not bad. Boss greets Shion, and notes, “You’ve sure grown up since the last time I saw you! You were still in high school, right?” It sounds as creepy as it reads, friends. Also, I can’t imagine she looks that different, it’s only been four or five years. Shion apologizes for not keeping in touch. She’s just been SO BUSY yelling at people about KOS-MOS or yelling at KOS-MOS or crying because of KOS-MOS. It’s hard being Shion!

As for Shion’s confusion about the café being here, apparently it’s a new-ish location, and Boss implies he was shoved out of the old spot by evil Second Miltian developers and forced into this strip mall setup. “I figured I’d at least try to keep the inside looking the same, though.” No. Not good enough. This is like the Squidport episode of The Simpsons, when “Moe’s Brewing Co.” is just a tunnel that leads back to Moe’s Tavern. ANYWAY. Shion has a seat as Boss offers her “the usual,” and I try not to shout “COCK AU VIN” too loudly. The neighbors already think I’m weird.

Maybe he thinks Shion’s grown because she’s had her own ‘redevelopment’?

As Boss is getting Shion’s meal of a napkin and a toothpick ready, he asks if she has the day off, and Shion replies, “I wish. No, unfortunately, I’m working. I’ve got business at the Second Division.” I like that this is apparently the first time he’s seen her as an adult, but she jumps right past telling him anything about her life to instead bitch about this particular day on the job. And it’s not like she’s working now, nor will she actually work the rest of today. She left Corey to do the actual KOS-MOS paperwork. But Boss mentions that Shion’s brother told him about her working for Vector, so thanks to Jin he isn’t totally lost here. “What?” Shion snits, her entire demeanor shifting into Defensive Stance. “Jin comes here?” Boss seems genuinely surprised that she’s asking, since Jin is a regular of his. Which Shion already fucking heard from nerdy Nikolai anyway. So Shion acting like this, in her own words, “famous” café is her special private hole-in-the-wall that Jin isn’t allowed to know about is beyond ridiculous. But as we will see, there is nothing about Jin and Shion’s relationship that isn’t ridiculous.

Boss takes from Shion’s freakout at the mention of Jin’s name that she hasn’t visited him yet, and he’s got a nice old man guilt trip to lay on her for it. Granted, I think Shion’s disdain for Jin is fucking absurd, but I could do without anybody, even Shion, getting the old “But FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY” routine. If she doesn’t want to visit him, why force it? I’m sure both of them would be better off keeping each other at arm’s length. Shion sighs and looks at the floor. “Oh, not you, too,” she mutters. “You know I have a hard time dealing with my brother.” He seems to be the one person remaining in the universe who doesn’t kiss her ass and call it ice cream, so I can see why she’d struggle with it.

As they’re discussing Jin, the World’s Most Difficult Sibling, the bell on the door tinkles and Boss says, “Well, speak of the devil…” Clearly Boss thinks it’s Jin, which says something sad about the number of customers he gets, but it’s actually Jailbait and CHAOS!!!, fresh from dumping off MOMO and Ziggy, I suppose. Jailbait, unsurprisingly, is REALLY GODDAMN EXCITED about the décor. “It’s perfect!” he shouts, probably creaming his tight little pants. “It feels just like the Pequod, doesn’t it?” Timmy Tryhard needs to take it down a couple notches. We get it, you’ve read Moby Dick.

Once they come into full view, I get to eyeball the new outfits they must have put on before coming to the city on their date. (Aww.) CHAOS!!!’s ensemble is still a cropped half-jacket (yellow this time instead of orange) over a navy bodysuit, but he’s now in full-length (still tight) pants and he’s added a bunch of random black leather belts, like he just wandered out of a Final Fantasy game. The bulge is still missing, and it’s still making me look over my shoulder in dark alleys. Jailbait, meanwhile, is still in a cute trenchcoat, but it’s a lovely crimson instead of black, and the design on the back has little bat wings. We know already, he’s the Antichrist in nut-huggers. Message received. Speaking of nut huggers, Jailbait’s also swapped out his t-shirt and lime-green skintight pants for a red crop-top turtleneck (no, really) over black Spanx (NO, REALLY) and tight blue jeans with beige boot-cut chaps. I know that sounds like the crackiest crack to ever crack, and that he should be marching back to the Durandick and firing his stylist, but it actually looks good. And not just because it’s on his inherently charming prepubescent bod. I will be in my bunk, hiding from the police.

Jailbait and CHAOS!!! spot Shion, Jailbait making a clearly put-off grunt, and CHAOS!!! going “Shion!” like he can’t fucking believe this bitch found a way to horn in on their rare night out together. Shion, for her part, doesn’t seem pleased to see them either. She jumps in her chair, recoils from the sight of them, then narrows her eyes and asks, “What are you two doing here?” I actually get their mutual desire to get the fuck away from each other for a bit after what they’ve been through, and in fact I feel like we’ve been jilted out of the reality show camera footage from the gang’s downtime on the Elsa, when they stopped being polite and started getting real. Jailbait and CHAOS!!! basically tell her, “We were hungry and this is a fucking restaurant,” but before Shion can get all up in their grill for daring to want food on her turf, Boss attempts to break up the tension and chuckles at them all knowing each other. Shion goes, “Y…yeah, kinda,” to which CHAOS!!! understandably takes umbrage. Shion is totally the mean girl who blows off her summer friends when she runs into them with her real friends from school. She apologizes and says she was “rattled,” and CHAOS!!! is still like “Girl, what,” but Boss glosses over it as her having “family matters” on her mind. Just talking about Jin makes Shion turn into a frigid weirdo! Super normal. Shion giggles inanely at this, and Jailbait and CHAOS!!! lock onto each other with their fiercest side-eyes.

She just means you ‘kinda’ look like you stole Squally’s paintball outfit, and Jailbait ‘kinda’ looks like Kidz Bop Van Helsing.

Well, so much has happened here at Moby Dick’s Café that clearly we need to take a breather and check in with other characters. We cut to Mace Windu’s spacious corner office just as Gaignun is entering with Chesty and Busty. Mace is clearly expecting Gaignun but makes a gross “Ohhhhohoho!” noise when he sees the ladies. “[Busty]! [Chesty]!” he purrs. “Look at you! You’re all grown up!” Is this going to be a recap theme? Ladies be sproutin’? The sisters also have new outfits, but they more or less resemble the blue and lavender getups they had before, and therefore aren’t weird enough for me to spend an hour dissecting.

Chesty’s all, “Sup,” with a casual wave, but Busty reprimands her for her lack of “respect.” Mace chuckles, “It’s all right. It makes me feel like I’ve got a couple of daughters.” I mean…I guess? He never sees them, and kind of leers at them when he does, but as long as they don’t bow to him they’re like his own kids? Sure. In some sad attempt at small talk, Mace asks Chesty about her “act,” and I’m sure I don’t want to know, but Chesty tells me anyway: “Yeah! Right now we’re kinda busy, but pretty soon, I’m gonna be the best comedian in this star cluster…even if my sister won’t be my partner.” Busty, those are good instincts, and I’m proud of you. Run away from this mess. “You know,” Chesty adds, “I’ve been thinking about recruiting the Little Master.” Gaignun and Busty shake their heads while Mace patronizingly says Jailbait would be “perfect.” Is he going to be her ventriloquist dummy? Because 1) that is cheating, he’s a real boy, and 2) that bitch, getting him to sit on her lap. THAT BITCH.