And we’re back to Marvy, in the Vortex of Past Exposition! So basically this whole time Elenor’s been drinking and pedeconferencing and Ramada’s been getting murdered, Marvy’s been in a coma. Glad we focused on that other stuff first. Marvy runs toward the red light as usual, hoping this will be the time Death comes for him and together they’ll choose who will be stuck with the rune next. Unfortunately it’s not Death, unless Death has taken the form of Commander Scruffy. His dead mentor tells Marvy to defeat him, which Marvy does easily. “You’re much stronger than I remembered,” Scruffy notes. Yeah, he’s gained like 35 levels, what did you think would happen? He vanishes into a pile of white dust, and Marvy goes ahead and breaks my heart by reaching out one helpless hand to the spot where the ghost just was. This poor fucking kid. He just wants a dad. And when he finally gets one, it’s going to beat the overwhelming odds and be the most disappointing moment of his life.
Loading ...With the final former user of the Rune of Punishment in his rearview mirror, and nothing in front of him but his own longed-for death, Marvy wakes up. He’s back in his cabin, and alone, even though he’s probably been in a coma for hours, if not days. Amazing fucking friends, truly. Though there isn’t so much as a text box announcing this fact, he notes that his imaginary vanquishing of Scruffy’s shadow has earned him the Rune of Punishment’s fourth-level spell, Everlasting Mercy. It does 500 damage to all enemies and heals all allies for same, which is entirely too awesome to have anything to do with this rune. It must have some hidden 20 percent chance of summoning a boot to kick Marvy in the balls.
After some routine errands on the ship, Marvy is ready to head into Obel–where he will drop Lido off on the palace stoop with a note pinned to his vest–when he is cut short by the arrival of Ramada’s feathery friend on the deck. The bird collapses in exhaustion, flopping the scroll from its beak to the planks, while the ninjas stare dumbly at it. “Hey, that’s…Mr. Ramada’s…” Akaghi manages to say. Thanks, buddy! Mizuki, also observant and smart, notes the giant scroll lying in plain sight next to the bird. The bird struggles to its feet, lets out several cries in the direction of the ocean, as if willing me to care about Ramada, and then flops down dead, the effort clearly too much for it to handle. Is this a Dumbledore and Fawkes situation? Except the bird is ugly all the time, and the man isn’t important? Mizuki bows her head in prayer, I guess, while Akaghi’s all, “Mr. Ramada…” so whatever the suicide pact is between bird and man, these two seem to know about it. I bet Ramada has some real weird funeral arrangements in his will, too.
Despite this supposedly being one of the most important events of the game, there is no fanfare upon Marvy’s return to Obel’s harbor. Lido doesn’t even leave the ship. As happy as the citizens were to drive out the Kooluk, they seem to greet the return of their king with a resounding shrug. Only one person is at the harbor, a slight, sleepy-looking girl in an orange jacket and Tita’s exact white halter top/suspenders/black booty shorts combo. “So, that ship’s finally come back!” she says without so much as a “Hi, my name is Wendel.” She powers through Marvy’s affront at her rudeness. “Hey, shut up and let me on, too!! Nico’s on that ship, too, right?!” Marvy tries and fails to remember who the hell Nico is, but that’s probably someone doing something somewhere on his ship. Wendel likely isn’t going to take no for an answer, anyway. He’s seen this type before. When he just says okay because why make his life harder for no reason, a black screen brings Nico into the conversation. Oh right! The gossip stone lookout guy! He freaks out that Wendel is “following” him. Actually, dude, you are the one who came to her just now, and she hasn’t even moved her feet yet. But Wendel is apparently following him, and before I worry that she’s in love with a guy wearing a yellow eyeball bandana, she makes me even sadder by telling him, “You’re what I aspire to be! I can’t wait to work with you!!” God, he’s even taking on apprentices for his unnecessary recruits at this point. One of the mermaids is probably going to start an internship program, and Marvy will still be the one in trouble when everyone finds out it’s unpaid.
In the “town” proper (God, this island sucks…exactly as much as all the others), Marvy reunites with Nabokov, the appraiser with the pageboy haircut and the comically large nose. He straightforwardly and politely asks if he can climb aboard the Rudderless, and Marvy sees no reason to turn him down, though he can’t help but note to himself that Nabokov fucking had this chance before Obel found its neck under Kooluk’s boot, and he did not take it. Whatever! It’s not like Marvy has an appraiser yet, and even if he did, again: five mermaids with identical Etsy shops. Welcome aboard, valued Seaward!
Midway up the hill, Marvy finds a young woman wandering the street in high-waisted, wide-legged capri pants, and despite every terrible detail I just typed out, know that I kind of want these pants. Carrie here is making them work better than I ever could, though that could also be because she’s a willowy supermodel with long blonde hair, and I am a potato. Carrie interrupts the tailoring questions surely about to spill out of Marvy (look, maybe he’s sick of tight Bermuda shorts) to exclaim, “Oh! Dr. Yu[eh]!” Marvy did indeed bring Dr. Yueh along, in case any rich Obelians were in need of medical care or liberally prescribed Oxy. “Best medical care in the Island Nations!” says Lido.
“Carrie, you’re okay,” Yueh says, with the same tone that he’d take note of a passing cloud. Carrie is much more enthusiastic about her mentor Yueh being in one piece, and I’m sensing a sad, unrequited dynamic at play here. But at least Yueh has spared the tiniest thought for the medical needs of the Seaward, and asks, with Marvy’s approval, that she come on board and shore that up. Oh, now I see where the unpaid intern is coming in. I bet he’s going to refer to this as a “residency.” Carrie is of course overjoyed to sign up for Seawards Sans Frontières. And Yueh is overjoyed he can now devote his time to writing op-eds in Perrault’s newspaper about the dangers of Mao and Nao’s weed and mushroom strains.
‘It’s like Florida, but its bad leaders aren’t elected!’
A lady by a washtub hands Marvy some Wave Wallpaper, a thing that would have excited him a lot more before he realized what could be done with it. Fucking Pecola, man. That crucial score nestled in his bag, Marvy goes further up the hill to find a man staring mournfully at a rock wall. He has no idea what this dude’s problem is, but Marvy still knows that feel. The man is named Trishtan, and Marvy is very into his dark hair, fine cheekbones, jaunty scarf, and winged eyeliner. Just a double thumbs-up from our horny Tenkai Star. What he does not enjoy is when Trishtan opens his mouth, and phlegm expels out. “*cough* *cough* Uh…Doctor… Why did you leave? I’m…dying here…” He does not add “MY ARM,” but he doesn’t have to. Marvy’s penis has pumped its brakes.
Yueh confirms Marvy’s worst suspicions about this man: “But there’s nothing wrong with you.” To Trishtan’s disbelief, he adds, “In fact, you are even healthier than a normal person.” And if Dr. Yueh can’t even find something plausible to charge this man 50,000 potch for, he must be fine. To set the man’s mind at ease, or perhaps to get something out of him, Yueh even offers Trishtan a bunk on the Rudderless to sleep off his hypochondria. “If you do, I will give you medicine,” he says. Dr. Yueh’s indiscriminate scrip pad strikes again! Trishtan just needed to hear “medicine,” and joins up immediately. At least he has that face, and that ass, Marvy thinks with a sigh.
In case any of you think I’m being too hard on this man. (Note the word ‘selling.’
Christ, Doc, do you have anyone else in your entourage Marvy is going to have to give room and board, or are we fucking good? Jesus. Marvy has to keep some cabins open for the people he knew he’d be picking up from Obel, and they’re all getting filled up by Yueh’s little cash cows. Speaking of known commodities, Marvy finds Waluigi and Ema still stationed near the fountains outside Lido’s depressing stone block of a palace. I hope Flarey Sue at least found a room for them inside during all this. “Sir Marvy…” Waluigi says, “I’ve heard that you… You’re fighting for justice right now, right?!” I want to pissily note that nothing Marvy is doing is exactly any different now, but I imagine it would look different to the guy who chose to stay behind and pour salt in the Kooluk occupiers’ coffee cups that the guy who ran off on a giant boat came back to scare off the fascists. So, point taken, Waluigi. He goes on, not even looking at Marvy while Ema stares our boy down silently, “The villains that made this beautiful kingdom suffer must not get away with it!!” He doesn’t mean Lido. Agree to disagree. Ema is finally like, “Dear…” because he must be like this 24/7, and he only slows down enough to ask her if she will accompany him on this great honking boat of justice. “Yes, of course,” she replies. That is definitely the most words she has ever said. Marvy needs to get her some of Elenor’s wine and some of Pam’s palmiers and see if he can crack this amiable walnut. He bets she’ll have some opinions about Lido.
Marvy enters the palace and then Lido’s tiny, sad throne room. I suppose I should cut him a little slack–the other Island Nation leaders entertain dignitaries in their living rooms. But they also don’t call themselves kings, so once again, fuck Lido En Kuldes. Marvy was hoping to find Flarey Sue and Molesley here, mostly because that would mean they weren’t already on his ship, eating his food and breathing his air. Instead, he finds the room empty, or so he thinks at first. Checking behind the throne for any hidden treasure chests or perhaps Molesley’s diary, Marvy finds Noah the Gambling Furry, who, judging from her denial before Marvy has said a word to her, had the same sticky-fingered idea in mind that he did. “I was, umm…playing hide-and-seek. Yeah, that’s it! I was playing hide-and-seek!” Yeah, and that’s what Marvy and Slowe were doing in Lord Fingerbang’s butler’s pantry every day after teatime. Sure, kid. He expresses his skepticism, to which Noah whines, misreading him even more, “You wouldn’t harm a cute Nay-Kobold girl like me…would you?” Maybe he wouldn’t have until you invoked all the dumb cats he already has to live with. Noah finally admits she was looking for food, as she hasn’t eaten in days. That could also be a lie, of course, but kids need food, even lying kids, and Marvy certainly knows where to get some. Noah is so grateful that she doesn’t even make Marvy play cards with her to secure her spot in the Seaward. It’s possible she’s already aware of the Hierarchy of Mini-Games aboard the Rudderless–Marvy’s gambling problem is probably legend by now–and doesn’t want to push her luck.
Marvy is about to go pick up one last recruit on the island when I realize he doesn’t have enough potch on him to get it done. Blacksmithing do be like that! It’s nothing a little offloading of his trading post wares won’t fix, though, so a few minutes later he is running down the familiar cliffside path toward the cave entrance he used as an exile on Obel. Inside, a slight woman with a bright red bob–basically a dead ringer for Camille–is aimlessly pacing in the dark. “You’re Cedric, aren’t you?” she asks. “Hmm… You’re kind of cute…” Marvy is unsure which misapprehension to correct first. But Camille’s grandma here, named Rachel, gets a hold of herself before Marvy can introduce himself as Interested, Not Interested. “No, no, no!” she says, mostly at herself. “I mean…. You’re going to pay for what you ate at the Dappled Sunshine!” The Dappled Sunshine is apparently an inn, and this is not a metaphor for eating out someone’s radiant, glowing ass. To my disappointment, and I’m sure yours. Cedric, from Marvy’s own glowing butthole, sputters, “What?! W-Wait a second!” Rachel assumes Marvy brought him here to turn him in, like he’s some sort of fucking cop, and she offers to buy him dinner later as thanks. And we’re back to square one with this lady. Since Marvy is both not a narc and not into dinner dates with knockoff Suikoden gals who are probably hot for Gremio throughout time and space, he instead offers to cover Cedric’s dine-and-dash debt, which is, thanks to interest, 5000 potch. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT?!” Marvy somehow doesn’t scream at Cedric while slapping him with a rolled-up newspaper. This is still a nothing-ass amount despite the fact that I had to go out of my way to get it, so it doesn’t sting as he hands it over, but still. There can’t be any meal on this island worth even half that.
Rachel thanks him for the cash and notes that she and Cedric are now both free to do whatever they want. I mean, Cedric already kind of was until this exact moment, but I get why she wouldn’t see it that way. And because this woman is bad at reading the body language of the men around her or because she’s lacking in imagination, she says, “On second thought, maybe I’ll come along, too. It seems like it could be fun.” Yup! War against people who use death laser statues and burning boat kamikaze attacks! Fun! What is wrong with everyone on this fucking island?
Rachel trots off to pay back the Dappled Sunshine before signing her life away to the Seaward, but Marvy has long given up on the idea of scuttling the boat out of dock before his less desirable recruits show up, and also in a roundabout way he did pay 5000 potch for her mercenary services, and may as well put them to use. And whatever “THIS many ladies, but no further” line he once drew has been pretty well obliterated, anyway.
While he’s already lowering his standards and justifying it in his head, it’s finally time to bring in a person he’s been avoiding since before his life blew up. Marvy returns to Middleport to play a little Game That Shall Not Be Named with Creepy Uncle Gunter. He blows through whatever insincere courtesies Gunter and his Free Mustache Rides sign of a face have for him, just wanting to get this over with. To my enormous shock, Marvy wins three games in a row, the first two because Gunter, the fucking amateur, bounced his dice out of the cup and forfeited. Holy shit! If he had any idea this mark would make it so easy, he would have ripped this bandaid off ages ago!
But when Marvy, the gloat probably written all over his face, ends their gambling session, he does not find a leisure-suited pervert eager to seek employment on his casino barge. Gunter just asks him if he wants to play some more! What the fuck! He obviously does not! But confused as he is, Marvy agrees to play one more game, as if that will solve the problem, and promptly loses all the money he just won as Gunter throws three twos. OH MY GOD I JUST GOT CONNED.
WHERE IS YOUR MANAGER, I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER
Man, Marvy felt like such hot shit 20 seconds ago. Who’s the mark now? Partially to regroup and figure out his next move and mostly to get away before Gunter can take satisfaction in the angry tears springing to his eyes, Marvy teleports back to the Rudderless.
After communing with the smug spirit of the True Strategy Rune, and now saddled with a runic search history that includes, “Did I just get the bad ending because of Gunter,” Marvy discovers that Gunter can also be found in Na-Nal now that the island has been liberated. Let me put that another way: Gunter currently, right now, exists in two places at once, and may have been bilking some poor Na-Nalian soul out of their potch at the exact same time he was grifting Marvy. This pompadoured son of a bitch. Marvy’s rage is bottomless.
Sure enough, Gunter is hanging out at a scenic overlook on Na-Nal, still looking like your algebra teacher who decided getting out of his comfort zone post-divorce meant becoming a regular at open mic night. “So, we meet again, good sir,” Gunter says, probably tipping the brim of an invisible trilby. “How about another game of dice?” How about Marvy slaps the taste out of your mustache?
Marvy engages in another game of TGTSNBN, and once again easily bests Gunter, who is clearly strategically tanking to lure idiots into a false sense of security. Well, not this time, asshole! But also once again, Gunter does not take Marvy’s display of gambling prowess as a sign that he is destined to be the biggest Seaward of them all. I lack the vocabulary to adequately express my irritation that Gunter not only thinks enough of himself to bigtime Marvy like this, but that Marvy is proving him right. Shaking his fist at this apparent one of three Gunters, Marvy returns to his ship and teleports to–where else?–fucking Obel.
“We certainly meet often, good sir,” Gunter greets him in front of the Obel armor shop. “I wonder if our fates are intertwined somehow…” Gross. Marvy would never. Finally, though, Marvy has the option to ask this odious prick to join his cause. “Join you? What’s this? Wow, that ship moored in the harbor, eh?” Gunter asks. No, his book club. All James Patterson, all the time. It’s terrible like everything else in Marvy’s life. But just this once, the uncaring gods staring down upon Marvy pull their punch, and Gunter readily agrees to join, without Marvy having to win one last round of TGTSNBN. I hesitate to call this a miracle when the grand reward is having Uncle Ice Cream Truck hanging around the same deck as several underage fellow mini-game purveyors, but it’s less work for Marvy, and given what he has to do next, that part, at least, is welcome.
Marvy has one last recruit to deal with, and he’s kind of a doozy for being some dude named Travis. I hate sending my boy on a mission that will so thoroughly be a waste of his time and talent, but it’s for the greater good of his love life, and even though I just typed that, I’m still not convinced. This is a 50/50 proposition at best Marvy is being set up for. Regardless, he puts together a magic-heavy team, plus beefy, shirtless Karl (God bless), and enters the Obel ruins.