Mr. T gives Bitch a little lecture (read: exposition) about how Mako is the lifeblood of the planet but “Shinra” keeps sucking out the Mako to use for energy, etc. etc. Bitch gets snippy with Mr. T, which I would consider a bad idea since Mr. T is big and looks a lot like the guy they call “Bubba” in prison. Watch out, Bitch!
Mr. T says that Bitch is coming with him (get your minds out of the gutter), and thus, joins the party. Hooray.
Passcode deciphering, running around to find secret items, and an elevator ride.
Mr. T emerges from Bitch in the elevator. It’s not as sick as it sounds – it’s just that Bitch is the only visible party member. Jeez. Mr. T gives more of the granola hippie talk about the Mako. Bitch shows how much of a badass he is by saying he doesn’t care about anything except finishing the job. Gee, I wonder if Bitch will ever come around and start caring about the planet and not just about himself…
The elevator stops, and then Bitch goes down a bunch of stairs. Somehow that doesn’t make sense. I won’t worry about it. Ah, some random battles. Yay. The battle music is nifty. Jessie explains that Bitch needs to press the OK button to climb on ladders. If someone told me to “press the OK button”, I’d think they were hitting on me.
Bitch keeps climbing down pipes and ladders and stuff, and finally reaches the destination point. It’s some door thingy or something. I don’t know my way around these reactors that well, so sue me. Mr. T says “Bitch, you set the bomb.” Bitch starts to, but then starts hallucinating. He wouldn’t be a Final Fantasy hero if he didn’t. “Watch Out! This isn’t just a reactor!” the voices in Bitch’s head say. I’m sure this will all be explained to us later so let’s just move on.
Bitch sets the bomb and suddenly our heroes are attacked by a big scorpion robot. The secret to fighting this robot is that whenever it puts its tail up, attacking it will cause it to counterattack with its laser. Bitch explains all this, but because of the horribly rotten (not to mention grammatically incorrect) translation and the way the dialogue is split up, it’s very easy to misinterpret as saying that you should attack. Um…don’t. Not that I would know from personal experience or anything….
Moving on.
And now with the scorpion (easily) defeated and the bomb about to detonate, Bitch and Mr. T have ten minutes to retrace their steps. The numerous random battles make this oh so fun, but it’s pretty damn difficult not to make it out in time. Of course, since Jessie is a woman, and thus completely helpless, she has gotten her silly self stuck. Bitch rescues her. I’m not sure what purpose this has, except a slight change in dialogue, but since Bitch is the strong manly man, he must save the stupid female. It’s a Final Fantasy rule.
La la la, retracing steps. The elevator ride takes about two seconds this time. Hmm…it seemed to take much longer when Mr. T was chattering away that first time, but this is no time for logic. Bitch and Mr. T catch up with everyone and there is a gigantic, very cool-looking explosion.
Jessie takes a break from her helpless woman-ness to set another bomb, this one to clear their way to escape. Of course we have a comic relief moment as Wedge (the fat funny guy. Get it?) gets his ass caught on fire. At least I think that’s what happened because he’s running around waving his hands by his ass. Unfortunately, in CBPS, it is impossible to display character special effects or something.
Mr. T tells everyone to rendezvous at the station. They run off, as Bitch asks about his money. Mr. T responds that he’ll get it later at “the hideout”.
Bitch exits to an alley-looking place. The flower girl from the beginning is there, and she just got knocked over by some guys running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Poor flower girl. She also looks quite crappy in CPBS, not at all like the GFS of the beginning. Her dress looks all segmented and splits when she walks.
Bitch buys a flower from her. Only because I had the choice to make him act like either a jerk or a nice guy. I chose to be nice, just because. Don’t get used to it. It’s much more fun to act like an asshole….in games, not real life. ::looks innocent::
Bitch runs into another alley where he has to fight a bunch of guards. Then we see the fourth and final graphic style of the game. The best FMV and worst character design are now combined into one as we see Crappy Blocky FMV Style, or CBFS. I am baffled as to why they bothered to make that horrid design into an FMV. I feel as if I am being mocked, but then I remember that it is just a game.
Inside the train, Mr. T and his comrades are discussing Bitch’s possible fate. They seem depressed. I would think they’d be happy to be rid of that snotty little mofo, especially since they wouldn’t have to pay him. Just then, the train door opens and Bitch does a dramatic flip, landing at Mr. T’s feet. “Bitch!” everyone screams. I don’t know if they’re happy, or if they’re screaming profanities at him.
Bitch tries to act all cool again. Mr. T confuses me by saying “Shi’t”, because it’s not like he’s a teenager trying to circumvent message board filtering rules by putting that apostrophe in. I guess it’s supposed to be his horribly stereotypical dialect.
Jessie and Bitch have a mini-moment, and then Bitch and crew go to the next car. There’s some more gratuitous exposition dialogue as Jessie explains to Bitch (read: us) that Midgar (the city, in case you didn’t know) is circular, has eight sectors, has an upper plate supported by a main structure and other smaller structures, etc. Basically all stuff that you’d think Bitch or anyone else in the game would know already. Just as Jessie explains about the security system and how psst (“We’re using fake Ids”), an alarm sounds and red lights start blinking. “When the lights go off, you never know what kind of creeps’ll come out,” Jessie tells Bitch. I wonder if they got idea that from the “Pinch Devils” on the subway trains in Japan.
There’s more philosophical shit involving the evil, evil plate that is blocking out the sky, and how people would move, but they “ain’t got no money” and they “love their land no matter how polluted it gets”. We’re all supposed to feel sorry for everyone, I guess.
The Lesson of the Day ends, and we see another nice-looking FMV of the train. It pulls into the station, and Mr. T tells everyone to meet at the hideout to discuss the next mission. Hooray.
The hideout is apparently a bar, and I’m sure none of the patrons are the least bit suspicious when Mr. T runs inside and kicks them all out. Some sappy music starts playing as Bitch enters the bar and sees a young woman with the biggest set of polygons ever. There’s also a little girl, Marlene. Big Polygons strikes a coquettish pose and asks Bitch if he fought with Mr. T this time. Now I’m truly confused. This seems to imply that Bitch has been at the hideout, or at least around Big Polygons and Mr. T at some time in the recent past. If this is the case, why the hell didn’t any of the other AVALANCHE members seem to know anything about him, as was apparent in the opening scene? THIS GAME MAKES NO SENSE. Oh, right, the explanation for that was that everyone is a blithering idiot.
Big Polygons says something about Bitch when he was a little kid, so I guess they’ve known each other for a while. And let me guess. BP has a big crush on him. How original. I now get to name her, and I only have to change one letter from her default name to get “Tita”.