Just when Marvy doesn’t think this could get any worse, he finds out Leknaat is the one who sent King Lido the memo about finding more dipshit friends. “Surround yourself with strength, the strength of many…” Do Chiepoo and Desmond have any strengths? Have I just not noticed them yet? “Remember,” she finishes, “I shall be monitoring the Rune for a while… And, more importantly, the way that you use it…” Is that a threat? What’s she going to do, take it away if he uses it improperly? I hate to break it to her, but that would be awesome. Marvy stares at this imposing bitch in disbelief as she fades from view.
Elsewhere, a group of mostly old white dudes are having a meeting, probably about the size and texture of the dildo to use when they fuck the poor. Old Man River and Joe Bishounen are there, along with duplicitous fuckhead Ramada and two other men we haven’t met yet. The mustached, bewigged man at the head of the table, labeled as “Governor,” leans his head into his hand in either boredom or frustration and sighs, “Now, in all honesty, I have just been assigned here and I’m not entirely familiar with the situation at hand.” He’s obviously wondering why they don’t just use their own penises to fuck the poor–that’d probably be more satisfying. “Nevertheless,” he tells them, “please begin.”
Old Man River clears his throat and jumps right in. “It is the light that was seen earlier than concerns us,” he says. “It has not been seen around Razril since then.” I would once again like to register my amusement at how everyone in this game says “Razril” like “RAHZOORILL.” I know it’s the Japanese pronunciation seeping into the game, but I giggle every time. Also, irony that Old Man River had the source of that light on his boat and then booted him off out of paranoia? Noted.
The lone man across the table, named Graham Cray, speaks up. “Hmm… In other words, this proves that this light has nothing to do with the land of Razril, correct?” It proves no such thing about RAHZOORILL, but who cares about what he said? I’m pretty sure this guy is undead. There is no singular feature of his that gives this impression, but his skin is extremely pasty, the irises of his eyes are so pale that he looks like he has cataracts, and he’s wearing a strange red headband that looks more like the head stitching of Frankenstein’s monster. The first time I saw this guy, I thought for a whole minute that he might be The Count.
Braaaaaaaaaains
The Governor thinks Sir Brains might be mistaken on this, because he was all about Razril at some earlier point, but the scary man cuts him off. “Don’t be hasty, Governor. I am saying that this light is something that shifts. Please humor me for now…” There’s nothing better than a scene where characters we are not invested in sit around a table in a drab room and play Catch Up to What We Already Know. Joe Bishounen scoffs prettily, “I beg your pardon, Sir Cray, but your story… I cannot help but think it sounds like a work of fiction.” Yeah, you make it sound like this light could be attached to a person. Via some sort of magical rune! Pull the other one. I was just about to say that that’s rich coming from a dude called the “Child of the Sea God,” and then Cray responds, “This is coming from one who is known as the ‘Child of the Sea God’? Sorry for being so outlandish!” I think I like this zombie motherfucker.
Joe gets all huffy because he doesn’t like that name. I wonder how he would feel about “Silver Maiden.” Not great, I’m guessing. The Governor tells Joe to pull his panties out of his asscrack, because everyone knows how great he is and nobody would ever make fun of him, ever ever. Cray chimes in, “Yes. Without you, we would be unable to fulfill the Governor’s plans for the southern expansion.” And now that Joe’s ego has been soothed, Cray asks his employee, Ramada, to give his report.
Following an inexplicably timed loading screen, Ramada steps forward and speaks. “Pardon me, but I have brought with me a man who claims the possibility that the object in question has moved on from Razril.” Oh, well by all means, let’s meet this mystery fellow! Ramada calls him in, and there’s some changing of perspective so we only see his legs right away and don’t know that it’s fucking Slowe. I mean, of course it is. Who else would jump at the opportunity to tattle on poor Marvy?
Slowe has changed out of his Gaien Knight uniform for the trip, and is now dressed in a pale green coat and breeches, white tights, and knee-high leather boots. To his credit, he only kind of looks like Peter Pan’s gayer cousin. But this time, before we get to hear exactly what kind of mean things Slowe is going to say about his ex, another loading screen interrupts and takes us back to Marvy, who just got inexplicable douche chills.
Morning has dawned and now Marvy is back outside his cave home. I didn’t bother putting anyone in his party because Marvy has had quite enough of everyone else on the planet and I also sort of forgot there were random battles between the cave and the palace. This is unfortunate, because there are indeed random battles, with terrifying flying squirrels (sans capes), and while they’re not that tough for a normal party, Marvy is still a bit too shitty to handle this kind of thing alone. I am so embarrassed for him that flying squirrels are this much of a problem.
Panting and bruised, Marvy eventually makes it to the palace, where he finds–shocking!–a married couple. The plump, cheery-looking woman, Ema, tells Marvy that she and her twiggy little husband are living their dream and traveling together. I wonder where they hooked up their RV. Gary, the aforementioned twiggy husband who has more than a passing resemblance to Waluigi, adds, “Once we find a place we both love, we’ll settle down. However, we are still far from the end of our journey.” Waluigi, for the record, is obviously supposed to be the progenitor of the Maximillian family line, not that Jeanne or I have managed to meet Max yet. I only point this out because that makes Ema, his wife, the Sancho figure. And that’s more than a little weird.
Inside the palace, King Lido is nowhere to be found. Flarey Sue thinks he might be at sea, or jacking it, or crying in the closet, or jacking it while crying in the closet, so she’s useless. The only other person of importance, for lack of a better term, is a cat girl in the corner of the foyer. No, Noah here is not a female Nay-kobold, but a human girl with fake cat ears and paw-shaped gloves. Before Marvy can back away, she cries, “Hey, come on, play with me!” Marvy is afraid that this scary young lady’s imaginary cat instincts will take over and make her pounce on him if he refuses, so play he does.
Noah’s card game is like a convoluted version of war. This might be some existing card game I’ve never heard of, but I trust that anyone who knows of it will not be a dick about sharing this information with me. In the event that it’s not, here’s how it works: Marvy and Cat Girl take turns putting cards on the table. When all the cards combined total 51 or more, the game is over, and the person with the larger sum wins. Except there are bonuses that involve basic math and combos if Marvy plays more than one card with the same runic symbol.
It’s all very straightforward to me when I have it sitting in front of me with the ability to pause and rewind, but Marvy, in the heat of the moment, just speeds through the explanation and starts putting down cards. He therefore gets totally embarrassed three consecutive times–while I shout at my screen, “Not that one, retard!”–before running off with his tail between his legs. I’m surprised Dr. Yueh isn’t out here, scolding Marvy for blowing his welfare check at the casino.
After returning to the cave to fill out his party so he no longer gets his ass kicked by squirrels, and enduring a squirrel ass-kicking in the process, Marvy and his hangers-on return to town. He spends what remains of his potch on attaching new runes to Paula and Chiepoo, buying the cheapest accessories the armorer has available, and sharpening weapons. If he’d lost any more money to Noah, why, he might have been too broke to visit the blacksmith and notice that Chiepoo has apparently named his claws after cheese.
…Seriously, Gouda?
Marvy spots Ornan, the sexy squinty fellow down the hill, and decides to chat him up again. In a total mindfuck, now that he lives in a cave and has no money, Ornan is now totally interested in him. “You’re gathering capable men?” he asks. You bet he is, honey. “Then, won’t you allow me to join you as well?” Marvy is more than willing, until Ornan keeps talking. “The truth is…” he starts forebodingly, “I’m looking for a certain woman, but to no avail. Won’t you join me on my search?” Ugh! Marvy has the opportunity to respond, “That would be a little…” but in the name of the good ending, he leaves that thought to the ether and agrees to help Ornan chase some gross female.
Desmond mentioned something about having a boat available for their use, in case they ran out of “people with various skills” on Obel, a very real possibility. So Marvy heads for the dock and boards the same boat they came in on. It takes me about five minutes to remember how to steer the ship properly, but once I stop being an idiot, Marvy sets sail for the uncharted waters north of Obel. Five hours’ worth of random battles later, because what we all wanted was Skies of Arcadia but with water and less charm, the ship docks at a tiny, rocky island that looks smaller than the ship on the world map. It is called Mordo Island, and for now offers nothing but more irritating random battles with wasps, a treasure chest with some no-doubt ugly drapes inside (i.e. Window Set 4), a Suikoclone who tries to bilk Marvy out of money for lame trading advice, and an empty hot tub inside a hut. And even if Marvy did want to bother climbing in there with Keneth, he doesn’t have the option to do so, which he will consider a dodged bullet. Marvy figures he can turn this into his private cabana island once he’s done recruiting Stars of Destiny for no apparent reason, assuming he can get a fumigator to sail out here.
Exciting!
Sail sail sail. Battle battle battle. I forgot what a damn drag this game can be. I mean for me, not for Marvy. “This is a drag” is kind of the theme of the game for him. And that theme is enforced when his ship docks at the ominously named, gray-skied Nay Island. Sure enough, Marvy immediately finds a couple of Nay-kobolds who inform him that the area near the dock is the human village, and that the cat village is on the other side of the island, out of the way where no one has to look at it. To reach it, Marvy must make his way up the hill and across a field strewn with random encounters, and then across a rickety suspension bridge. They really want the cat people to stay on their own side of the island, don’t they? Can’t say I blame them.
Awesome.
Oddly, one of the feral creatures encountered randomly is a giant cat. Chiepoo, for his part, feels no remorse about attacking it with his cheese-claws. Cat culture in the Island Nations is very confusing.
When Marvy reaches the other side of the bridge, the Disembodied GPS identifies the area as the Nay-kobold Settlement, like it could be mistaken for anything else. All of the buildings resemble gigantic lucky cat nesting dolls. All of them stare creepily at Marvy, warning him that his breath will be stolen in the night if he stays in their territory. All the while, the background music chirps along cheerily, like everything is friendly. We’re all friends here.
What the fuck.
Unsurprisingly, everyone on the island recognizes Chiepoo, their wayward, prodigal son. That just makes his ignorance of nearby Obel even more inexplicable, but whatever. Chiepoo, for his part, spurns the small talk of the local cat people, because he’s a big city cat now and no, he didn’t come back to his hometown because he couldn’t find a job after college.
Inside one of the giant cat buildings, which turns out to be the trading post, Marvy finds a pudgy young man with Phoenix Wright hair and, to confuse the issue, a magenta coat and white blouse not totally unlike what Edgeworth would wear. Miles and Phoenix’s mpreg love child introduces himself as Perrault and neatly summarizes his life story for Marvy: “I’m an aspiring writer who dreams of making a living out of it someday.” Making a living implies he would like to be paid for writing, and Marvy, like most employers, has no interest in that. But maybe King Lido will take care of payroll? In that case, bring on the spiky-haired self-professed Hemingways! When Marvy explains his nonsensical mission, Perrault replies, “That sounds interesting. It’ll be good material.” Yeah, I’m sure everyone on Evil Cat Island will be totally wowed by this scoop. But then it dawns on Perrault that he could get more exposure for his dinky, second-rate newsletter if he goes with Marvy. “At long last, this will be my opportunity to reveal my writing to the world! T-Take me there, too!” Oh, Marvy will take him there, all right. And maybe afterward he can commission him for a short story about Slowe dying of Ebola.
Confession time: I would hang that in my home.
After selling a couple crystal balls to the shiny-obsessed cat trader for a tidy profit, Marvy heads outside and checks out the lottery booth. The man running it here on Evil Cat Island is named Bang, which is ironic because that’s the last thing that comes to mind when Marvy looks at him. He looks like Droopy Dog. Bang talks him into playing the lotto, and this time Marvy manages to get a green ball, good enough for the third-place prize, a Jizz Cock. What’s with the innuendo surrounding this guy? Does Marvy look like he’s that desperate?
Marvy runs up the hill–passing several more cats who, like Chiepoo, are dressed like elderly golfers–and enters another cat house (heh) to find a muscular, older fellow named Bartholomew. Despite the lines on his face and his silly headband, Marvy jumps at the chance to recruit him, but Bart only says, “If you bring me along, bad luck will follow…” Marvy rolls his eyes–like this dude knows anything about bad luck. Bitch, please. He loots Old Book Volume 3 from Bart’s chest in the attic before leaving, which will probably just make him think he’s that much unluckier. Whatever.