Kika casually yells from her boat that she’ll see Marvy later, the “after we’ve shed this 225-pound beach bum weight from around our necks” left unspoken. They understand each other. In this battle with the 2nd Kooluk Fleet–hilariously titled “FOR OBEL’S FREEDOM” on a banner probably stitched by Lido in his room every night for the last month–Marvy is instructed to “annihilate the enemy fleet.” I assume this will be harder than dunking on poor stupid Slowe and his one sad ship, so Elenor tries to issue some rousing words of inspiration to the troops: “We will be arriving on Obel soil in just a short while… Now is the time for us to dig in with all our might!” Poor choice of words right after the promise/threat of “Obel soil.” Should they be digging in when they’re still in the water? Maybe ask Marvy to recruit a speechwriter, Drunky.
This incredibly half-assed attempt at motivation in her rearview, Elenor points out the enemy’s rune cannon composition: wind/earth and water/lightning. “How do you suppose we’ll combat that?” Well, the True Strategy Rune has prepared Marvy a bit better than Elenor’s wine-stained Operation Cannot Possibly Fail dossier, so he’s got lightning and wind on each of his ships. In round two of combat, well before either the Rudderless or the H.M.S. Meathead are in range of the enemy, the Grishend appears at their flank, apparently having sailed around the back of the island. So if I had sent the Gaien ship with Kika, there would be two ships in range and ready to potshot these Kooluk losers. That feels like it was bad advice!
Yes ma’am
Despite this, the battle is almost laughably easy–Marceline the Wind Rune Queen wipes out one of the Obel ships in one blast, and the other one can’t take the three-ship onslaught. Elenor acts like this was due to anything she did, and not simply a consequence of Marvy waiting as long as possible to return to this island that was probably never going to be that difficult to retake. “We have captured the captain of the enemy flagship!” a person labeled “Crew Member” crows. There are over 90 Portrait People in the Seaward now, and we still have generic crew members? Who are voice acted? What a country.
On the deck of the Rudderless, Marvy’s generic pirate thugs (one of whom, I assume, is “Crew Member”) have rounded up Old Man River and three generic Koolukclones. “Kill me,” OMR spits at Marvy, Elenor, and Lido. Lido’s already back in his regular, terrible outfit, if you’re wondering how long he pretended to care about the stature of his office. Elenor says, as if OMR said nothing, “See that hole in the wharf over there? The big hole that this ship made when it escaped…” Elenor makes it sound like the Rudderless literally exploded through solid rock. I don’t think most boats can do that! Anyway, OMR’s like, “So?” Elenor goes on, “You tried to pull a pincer move on us by hiding ships in there, didn’t you? But your reinforcements never came.” OMR’s grunt is all the answer they need. Lido notes that they should go over there and fuck up that boat, but Elenor tells him, to his surprise, that there’s no rush.
It was obvious from the beginning of this conversation that Elenor is responsible for the ship not emerging, but this is somehow lost on Lido. As they watch from the deck, the Kooluk ship lurches out of the cave, and King Dumbshit is all, “I knew it. There WAS a ship hiding in there.” Yeah, you knew it the second Elenor said it, fool. Further, he still has not caught on, and does not until a familiar someone yells, “Heeeyyy!” Lido stares as his daughter waves at him from the ship. “Everything went well over here!” She clearly thinks her dad was in on this plan, but maybe that’s because they’ve been separated for a while and she’s somehow forgotten that he can’t even be trusted to dress himself. Meanwhile, Molesley is having kittens because Flarey Sue is…standing on the bow. “Lady Flare, please do not be so reckless!” he begs her, as she’s behind a railing and everything. “It gives me such a fright! Oh, my feeble heart…” Flarey Sue just laughs at him, which is the only response. Lido laughs too, first just a chuckle and then a full-throated, borderline-supervillain guffaw. He asks Elenor if this was also part of her strategy. Uh…yes? How is that not clear? Elenor apparently kept the Royal Jorts out of the loop on this because she thought he might be mad about her “using” Flarey Sue, but for once Lido demonstrates applied knowledge of the world around him and notes that his daughter can handle herself.
They’ve literally never met.
Back to Old Man River, who is reaching the conclusion that he has run out of rope. He mutters an apology across the seas to his fake son Joe Bishounen, while Marvy stares at him in the background, all “I remember when I had a fake dad.” Lido is in the middle of mansplaining to Elenor about the troops remaining on the island–while she stays silent and contemplates drowning him in her bathtub gin–when a Pirateclone announces there’s another Kooluk fleet to their rear. OMR is as surprised as anyone else. What? The Kooluk have other boats?! Are they witches?!
“They sure have a lot of ships,” Lido says, actually surprised in the way I was only pretending at just now. “Think we’ll be okay?” I should point out that the new arrivals comprise three ships, and that Marvy has three ships, and that Lido is a transcendent dingus. A reverse Buddha. “Well, it’s still manageable,” Elenor says gently. But Old Man River can do one better: “That’s…the Governor’s privateer fleet…” Oh my, the Governor! I wonder if he and Crew Member will get along!
Marvy asks Elenor to hold up before they take these reinforcements to church, entirely so he can talk to the Pirateclone guarding OMR, who hands him the only thing of note Grandpa had on his person, a set of Pirate King Bracers. The final piece of his Pirate King ensemble! Nice. Lido, meanwhile, is enraged at this turn of events. “The nerve of those bastards! How dare they intrude into the seas of Obel!” It’s been occupied BY THEM for basically the entire game! Blond, Somehow Dumber Phoenix Wright here can settle down. Marvy and Elenor ignore their exalted king’s latest toddler outburst and deploy the fleet again.
If the last battle was a mild letdown, this one is a downright laugher. The Rudderless sails straight up to the grid space between the two ships (it’s now two, don’t look at me) and, like a cool assassin in a movie, Jeanne fires the cannons to the left and right and takes out both ships with one attack. Nothing should make the Rudderless look cool. It’s not right.
Marvy’s thinking of trying this, but he’s going to need some lengths of hose and for Sigurd and Hervey to stand very still.
Flarey Sue cries out in alarm at the three (sigh) ships that are now on fire. “That ship!” Lido replies. Okay, maybe we should all sit down and compare notes on the difference between one, two, and three. “Is it trying to take us down with it?!” Old Man River figures that was always the point of this, because Graham Cray is a psychopath. I should note that the burning ships are not that close to Marvy’s fleet, or even to the Obel harbor. And yet everyone on the deck is acting like they’re all about to burst into flames at any moment. Well, everyone except Elenor, who is too drunk to be scared. “Marvy…” she says, calm as can be. “Turn the Rune of Punishment over there.” Have I mentioned yet how ridiculous it is that this is the game with both “the True Rune that can cause unimaginable destruction from a great distance” and “the runes that fire like cannons”? Like, I know the True Murder Rune will fully vaporize those fucking ships, but we did already manage to light them on fire. This seems like overkill.
The usual folks who object to this every time it comes up voice their protests, and Elenor gives them the floor to come up with their own fucking great idea. The four former Gaien Knights and Chiepoo hang their heads. Ohhhhh wellllll, guess we lost an argument we put no effort into, so Marvy should kill himself a little more! Like, of course Marvy is going to do this shit regardless, and definitely their opinions matter not at all to him, but a little more labor on their part to engage Elenor in a spirited debate would have been welcome! Who am I kidding, I don’t actually want to watch that. Calling Keneth the Ben Shapiro of the Island Nations would still probably be giving him too much credit.
Raising her voice so everyone on deck can hear, Elenor says, “Those who fear the power of the Rune, get away from here right now! No one will stop you.” Okay, first of all, going below deck is not really going to get anybody that far away, and that’s kind of the only option right now, what with the burning ships headed their way. I guess everybody could hit up Viki. And second, does this include Marvy? Marvy is kind of afraid of the power of the Rune. He’s really the only one here who should be. Can he…also go? Please? But not only does Marvy stand pat, poor boy, his friends do too. I guess they’re all going to be lame together, forever. Elenor deems this sad entourage Marvy’s “very good friends” and then tells him this task is up to him and him alone. “Having friends doesn’t fucking matter,” she may as well say. Marvy is inclined to agree!
Elenor stares at Marvy for what feels like an hour, as the light from the burning ships dances off their faces and Chiepoo’s glassy eyeballs. Finally, he must decide again what to do, between “My true Rune of Punishment…” or “No, I can’t use the Rune…” Beyond how non-affirmative the affirmative choice is, these both sound like Marvy is flushed and breathily moaning about his red feelings for Rune of Punishment-senpai. Having made his choice, Marvy breaks into the world’s slowest run, thudding to a halt at the very tip of the bow. Verrrrrry slooooowwwwwwly, our boy raises his left hand and lets the True Murder Rune’s soul glow. It screams in all its tortured voices, a red beam rips out of Marvy’s hand, and the three ships are no longer there. I guess it’s possible there weren’t that many people on board. It seems inappropriate to use the term “skeleton crew.”
Marvy takes in the carnage he has wrought–that is to say, none, because the ships basically don’t exist anymore–and collapses face-first on the deck, his twin swords jutting comically skyward from his hips. His little murder boners! Jewel and Meathead rush toward him, as it is their turn to feign concern for their cursed pal. “I’m sorry we made you do this,” Meathead tells him, as if he even has the capacity to fantasize about being that important to Marvy. Keneth directs his friends in carrying Marvy to his room, to the point of telling one of them to “Carry that side” and “Take it slow” and so on. Akaghi and Mizuki watch from midship, frowning and judgmental of the game’s hand with editing. Wait, that’s me. They’re probably, like, worried about Marvy or something. Akaghi notes that he’s not with “Ms. Elenor” on the direction of the Seaward and its Killing Marvy and Others policy. Mizuki pushes back on this, as she believes killing Marvy is moral and awesome. And Akaghi says some shit back to her, and who cares what either of these two think about anything? Not me! Moving on.
Every woman in existence has had a man gesticulate like this at her while making some super important point.
A black screen transports us from Hardball with Two Ninjas to Elenor’s cabin, where she is examining the charts tacked to her wall while taking swigs from a jug. We’re going to find out at the end of the game that she quit drinking years ago and that’s been nutritious coconut water this whole time, aren’t we? Just one more thing to ruin for me and Marvy. She wipes her mouth. “Marvy… I’m sorry,” she says. I mean, he’s not here. She should maybe try saying this to him. Or she could just share her apparently bottomless wine stockpile. It couldn’t hurt.
From Elenor back to Ramada, right where we left him: in a dank Kooluk dungeon, face to face with Graham Cray. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?” Cray asks. Obviously they have, and I would appreciate the power move on Cray’s part more if it hadn’t also been aimed at me, forcing me to look that up. Ramada tries to play dumb, somehow not realizing the game that’s being played here. So Cray lays out that Ramada ghosted on him and he’s been taking it really personally. Ramada tries again to switch gears. “Well, I…I’ve been collecting all sorts of information, as a matter of fact,” he offers. “That explains the lack of communication. I did not want to blow my cover.” The fact that his voice creaks mid-sentence here is obviously selling how truthful this is.
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Ramada keeps running his mouth, about how much he knows about the Rune of Punishment and how much he knows Dear Leader desires it, and Cray is just like “Uh huh” and “Oh really” at everything he says, which should be a warning sign if his dead eyes and the funeral dirge background music somehow aren’t, but he just plows right onward with trying to talk his way out of this situation until Cray, without seemingly moving, shoots some kind of projectile right into Ramada’s left ventricle. You’ll pardon me if I’ve a bit more sangfroid about this one than, say, Nanami. I know, it’s crazy. I normally can’t shut up about how much I love Ramada. Cray stalks past his victim and notes to his body, “Unfortunately, I cannot trust you. Especially someone…with quite a set of loose lips like yours.” I want to read that as innuendo, but Cray creeps me out too much to go there. Ramada mutters, “Ugh… This map… Take care of it…” as the scene fades to black. A pair of wings flaps noisily as Ramada is grunting his death throes, just so we are sure to get it.
Back on the Rudderless, Elenor is also in a dungeon, interviewing their prisoner. I have no idea how much time has passed, if any, because the Ramada stuff was so out of temporal context. Just how I’d draw it up too, writers! Anyway, Elenor is asking if Old Man River is a fan of the Dao de Cray. This feels like an excellent opportunity for OMR to go off about the hostile takeover of his beloved navy and the Drama of the Southward Expansion, and for me to get in a quick power nap, but to my delight he answers, “No comment.” Ditto to Elenor’s question about who ordered the suicide fleet. Nice. For once, I am for people not telling each other what they know.
Desmond is trotting along with Elenor as they leave the brig. “H-He’ll join us, don’t you agree?” Desmond asks her. Spoiler alert for this mousy-ass dude: Old Man River ain’t on that Stars of Destiny roster on deck 2, so Marvy doesn’t give a shit. Also, Elenor notes, “We’d simply be wasting our time trying to persuade him. I can see the conviction in his eyes…” So unless a well-timed note from Cray is coming that will let OMR know in code that the King of Kooluk died from semen-poisoned wine, he will not be the newest admiral of the Seaward. As you can tell, I’m really broken up about it.