It’s time for another army battle. Five units are defending Muse: Bear and Flik are each leading one, and the Yaoi Unit (hehe) is in command of two other units (hehehehe) as well, according to Apple. I’m so confused. All Barry and Jowy wanted to do was join the fray, yet they’re now in command of three-fifths of the forces protecting Muse. How stupid–it therefore must have been Apple’s idea. Our old pointy-haired buddy Salon Jhee, along with Richard Gere and Seed, is fighting for Highland. “It’s that guy, [Bear], again!!! This time I’ll kick his ass!” Salon shouts. Gotta love a guy who’s forthright.

The goal, of course, is to take out Salon’s unit, but don’t worry about that, because this is one of those scripted battles where regardless of how things go, the outcome will be the same. After the first turn, Bear and Flik note that they recgonize someone on the Highland side–it’s a scraggly-looking mercenary named Gilbert. After they’ve well established that they know the guy, Apple says, “Do you….know him?” I hate her so much. “If only you could get him to switch sides…” she adds, like it’s really that simple. But when one of my generic City-State units goes into combat with Gilbert and takes out some of his men, it turns out to actually be that simple. Bear and Flik taunt Gilbert accordingly. To goad Gilbert into joining them, Flik says, “A proud warrior like you shouldn’t take money from a scum like [Adolf Hitler]!!!” That’s right, you should work for a scum like Bear! Jesus, did anyone proofread this script?

No, I’d say this is free will if I’ve ever seen it.

At any rate, Gilbert decides he’s on the wrong side and gladly scampers over to Good Guy Land, after promising Salon that Highland will receive a refund. Har har. Of course, in the next turn, he gets taken out by Seed’s men, which I suppose is his just desserts for being a fairweather mercenary. Fortunately for me, he doesn’t die permanently or anything.

In the middle of the battle, a few more units enter the fray. It’s Bowl-Cut Miklotov and a group of his Blue Knights of Matilda. For the first time, we have fighters on our side who actually look like trained military soldiers. To this point we’ve had blue capes and headbands, yellow pants, aqua scarves, and tiaras. What a relief to see people in armor.

The battle continues on for a while. Fierce battle, tactical movement, sprites murdering other sprites, Apple babbling on about stuff I already know. You know the drill. If this battle were entirely scripted, Bear’s mercs would have just gained the advantage when things suddenly go awry. In reality, we’ve reached pretty much a dead stalemate. But pretend it’s the former, okay? So Bear and Co. have “gained an advantage” when Fake-Chivalry Camus arrives on the scene. He instructs his buddy Miklotov to clear out his men, pronto. Miklotov, being the noble, good-hearted warrior he is, asks what gives. Camus is all, “Hey, don’t look at me,” and reminds his (life) partner (they are Suikoden II‘s Yaoi Posterboys, after all) that they have to do what Lord Wart tells them, and Lord Wart is currently telling them to leave the citizens of Muse for dead. I can so see why they swore allegiance to such a fine human being. Miklotov seethes in typical Suikoden fashion (“Damn………….[all this unnecessary punctuation]”) before following orders and getting the hell out of there. Bear and Flik are pissed, obviously, but the fight goes on. “It looks like someone is up to some nasty tricks here,” Bear randomly says. “If Muse falls, next it’ll be your necks on the line….” Does he mean Matilda’s necks? Their own necks? MY necks? Then again, I only have the one neck. So he probably doesn’t mean me.

Despite the minor setback of losing a good percentage of their men, Bear’s mercs manage to hold back the Highlanders. But not before Salon can taunt them: “Ha. Today was just a greeting. Tomorrow, your head will be decorating the walls of this city!” I think for a moment about whose head he is referring to, and subsequently entertain myself for several seconds by imagining Apple’s head swinging around on a rope at Muse’s entrance. Can you all tell that I just love her?

Following the battle, everyone returns to the tavern for some well-earned rest. Barry speaks with Nanami before retiring. She hints, again, at her reluctance to fight, but leaves what she really wants to say unspoken, so she can let it all out later in a big melodramatic explosion. After Nanami says goodnight, the camera pans to the other room in the inn (where I’ll assume Nanami and Lassie are sleeping), and we see Jowy talking to a masked man in purple. “…….tell them just like that,” he instructs Kage the Ninja, who disappears into thin air. (Why are ninjas always named after “shadow” or “mist” or “night”? I’d like to see a ninja named Daffodil or Bubbles, personally.) Uh-oh, methinks Jowy is up to some mischief, and this time it’s not of the kinky gay sex variety. Lassie enters the room seconds later, since she can’t go for more than five minutes without Unkie Jowy’s loving attention. Don’t take that the wrong way. Apparently Lassie heard the whoosh noise Bubbles made upon his exeunt, and it scared her so much she had to enter the room the noise came from. Brilliant, girl. Jowy tells her it was just the wind, and hurriedly gets her to go to sleep. Once she’s out of the way, he says to himself, “I………….I hope I’m taking the right path.” Well, Jowy, if your ideal path involves becoming estranged from your loved ones, killing people, and going for the remainder of the game without HAWT tonfa action, then this is totally the right path, you dumbass.

Finally, everyone goes to bed. These few moments of blacked-out screen can be filled in with the post-battle sex scene of your choice. Be creative!

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The next morning, Barry once again wakes up to Jowy staring at him from the other bed. Honestly, lovers or not, that’s getting kinda disturbing. Nanami runs in to wake them, her usual über-genki self. Jowy says, “Good morning, Barry,” which spikes his creep factor for the morning. “Good morning, Barry. I’ve been plotting against you and against our friends, and I’m eyeballing you as you sleep. Let’s go get some continental breakfast!”

Bear, Flik, Lassie, and Leona are hanging out downstairs when the trio arrives. Since they’re going to Anabelle’s to hear all about Genkaku, Bear tells them to be sure to mention what a rough-and-tumble stud he was out on the battlefield. Yeah, Barry’ll be sure to do that, right after he starts having sex with women. As they’re leaving, Flik warns them not to leave town, because the Highland Army has Muse surrounded. And here Bear wants Anabelle to know what a good job he did. I’m sure she can see the quality of his mercenary work by looking out her window and seeing how royally fucked they are.

Barry, Jowy, and Nanami find Anabelle in her office at City Hall, in the middle of an adult discussion (read: shouting match) with Jess, South Window’s Lord Granmeyer, and Tinto’s Lord Gustav. The gist of it is that Gustav isn’t convinced that Muse needs military help, and that he’s not committing his troops. So he can’t see the masses of Highland soldiers that are apparently “everywhere” outside Muse? Ye gods, it’s a wonder the City-State is in mortal peril, what with these pillars of reason, compassion, and courage running the show. Granmeyer says as much, causing Gustav to storm out in a huff. Anabelle approaches Barry and explains that she’s in the middle of “negotiations.” She must be a really poor negotiator, as all she really needed to say to convince Gustav was, “Hey asshole, why don’t you take a look outside at all the Highland troops?” She tells them to return later for Grandpa Genkaku Storytime, so Barry and Nanami leave.

But Jowy hangs back to ask Anabelle a question. “See…I have this friend–it’s not me!–and this friend really likes this other friend…and I–I mean he–feels all funny every time this friend brushes against me–HIM, and…shit!”

I made that up, but hopefully you all knew that. Anyhoo, Jowy’s real question is, “What are you fighting, Lady? [Is it me, or does that have a disrespectful connotation? Whoops, shitty writers.] What do you hope to get from this war?” Ooh, it’s a two-parter. Anabelle simply answers, “I’ll get nothing from it. I fight so we won’t lose.” And she adds some stuff about loving Muse and putting her life on the line (or, more accurately, the lives of others on the line) for the city. By the subtle tone in Jowy’s “………………………” I’m assuming that Jowy is less than satisfied with her explanation. He rejoins the siblings outside the office and they all return to Leona’s.

Flik asks them when they walk in why they’ve come back so fast. Nanami explains what happened, adding, “It looked like she was arguing about something.” Flik scoffs at this information. “Yeah, well, that figures,” he says. “She hasn’t really seen with her own eyes how scary [Adolf] is.” That would make sense, Flik, except she was arguing in favor of protecting Muse from him as much as possible. I think she’s got an idea of Adolf’s danger level. Flik is clearly just jealous since Anabelle is trying to steal his man.

‘Don’t forget: the Sleep-EZ Motel at 7:00 sharp. Wear your sexiest gi.’

Lassie approaches Jowy and makes with the “HUG MEEEEE” motions, but Jowy, for once, brushes her off. He shoves Lassie into Nanami’s arms and runs out the front door, without an explanation. Barry, of course, knows something is wrong with Jowy, and decides to go look for him, hoping dearly that his ponytailed playmate will be in need of some sexual healing. He finds Jowy near the entrance to City Hall, again talking with Bubbles the Ninja. Barry, silently seething with jealousy, wonders if there are some secret ninjitsu techniques that are satisfying Jowy on the side. He walks up to Jowy just as Bubbles leaves, and asks in his most accusatory tone, “Who was that person?” Jowy sidesteps the question, and mumbles some stuff about Barry and Nanami running away, and protecting Lassie if something happens to him. And then he runs off again, before Barry can yell at him for changing the damn subject.

Cut to nighttime in Anabelle’s private quarters–we know, because of the chirping cricket noises and all the lit candles. Someone knocks on her door. “Who is that?” she says to herself. “Who’s rude enough to come knocking this time of night?” Big surprise, it’s Bear, and he’s carrying a bottle of wine. Oh, dear. He (duh) asks her if she’d like a nightcap, and they sit down together. Cue the romantic music.

Just keep Barry and Big Gay Fitcher away from it–they’d be all distracted.

Bear tells Anabelle about the wine, which is from Kanakan. Apparently the only thing he could carry out of his fort was this one bottle. Boy, I’m sure all his fellow mercenaries who died from smoke inhalation in the fire are so happy he got out of there with his wine. The two of them make small talk over their glasses, which in the Suikoden world amounts to limited romantic banter, and of course more rhetoric on The Cold Truth of War™. The saving grace of the scene is that Anabelle is a tough, independent woman, so she’s not all, “Oh, Bear! I’m afraid one of us might die tomorrow so let’s do it right here on the table!” Bear gets up to leave after a while, since big brute warriors need their beauty rest. I guess Anabelle wants to reassure him that he’s a man and she’s attracted to him, so she tells him, “Say, if I was born in a different time, a different place, and if I was a little shorter, I might have been a good girlfriend for you, huh.” Bear, who probably feels like he has the world’s smallest penis right about now, replies, “Well, you’re just fine the way you are if you ask me. Maybe I’m not though.” It’s the “Rich Girl Meets Boy from the Wrong Side of the Tracks, But Inexplicably Doesn’t Ride Him into the Sunset” story we’ve all heard so many times. Bear’s heart is obviously broken into thousands of tiny pieces, but I’m sure Flik will make him feel allllllll better later. With buttsex.