With High Yo’s problems handled for the moment, Barry strolls outside to the front gates and finds a young man with a big brown bow on his ass staring at the castle. Barry idly wonders if he is an early birthday present, or perhaps an apology gift from Jowy, but the young man is clearly too in distress to be here for that. And in addition to the drab choice in bow color, when the young man starts talking, we can see his horrible bushy eyebrows, jug ears, and hair that is either wildly unkempt or comically over-gelled. Either way, not a looker. “Hey, get out of the way!!” Bow-Ass, or Koyu, shouts at all the people in his path, which is to say, no one. “I’m in a hurry!!! Damn!! There’s no time!!!” Another punctuitis victim for Huan’s quarantine ward, Barry assumes, until he goes on, “Hey, anybody know where he is? That guy Barry is here, isn’t he?! I’ve got to see him!!!” Oh shit, another traveling quest NPC. Barry is not in the mood, so when Koyu guesses at his identity based on his red bathrobe and twink build, he goes, “No, you’re wrong.” Unfortunately, Koyu is not as dumb as the average person around here, and replies, “Don’t try to hide. You’re already famous around here. You really are Barry, right??” Dammit.
Vindicated, Koyu looks him over. “Great, now we can help my brothers,” he says. Ooh, he has brothers? Maybe they’re better looking. Koyu starts to ask Barry for a favor, right here in front of Shiro and everybody, but stops himself. “Oh no, this is terrible, you told me and I forgot,” he rambles to no one like a nut. “Right, manners, I shouldn’t forget my manners.” And as Barry stares in horror, Koyu squats down in front of him, elbows on his knees, like he’s either expecting Barry to drop trou or he’s going to take a dump on the walkway. All the while, he mumbles incoherently, “I…no, Me…no, Myself…” After a moment he starts shaking with frustration, or possibly constipation. “What a pain,” he adds. Dude, just ask where the bathroom is! No one wants to see this!
‘Help. We are out of toilet paper.’
Finally, Koyu gets to the point. “I am Koyu, youngest of Lampdragon bandits. We’re setting up a stronghold north of Tinto. I came to make a request of Lord Barry who resides here. Please, please help my siblings. That is my request.” Does he want a permit signed for his tree fort? What exactly is he even asking for?
A Black Screen of Emergency Bathroom Visits deposits Barry and Koyu in the war room, where the Yaoi Army generals are trying to get actual information out of the young ass bandit. Koyu, who was clearly not instructed to keep it simple, first tells them the names of his siblings, Gijimu and Lo Wen. “We were living a carefree life north of Tinto, and the Highland Army occupied Greenhill and started ruining our area,” he says. “We couldn’t just stand and watch, so we tried to drive them out. They were afraid of us, the three Lampdragon bandits, and they ran away once.” Not that Barry’s party of six hasn’t wiped out hundreds of Highland soldiers at this point, but I have a hard time believing they were afraid of three people, especially if one of them was this poop-covered gentleman. But for once, this story isn’t really about the Highland army: “Just when we thought everything was alright,” Koyu goes on, “these strange guys attacked. What could they be? These pale face guys that looked like dead people attacked. They die when you cut them, and they don’t even say ‘Ouch!’!!” Oh no, not…goth kids! Just kidding. Bear flips out, realizing that he means the Count’s zombie horde. “Yeah, that’s what Marlowe was saying, too,” Koyu agrees, name-dropping someone we haven’t met yet and will forget the instant we do. So Koyu’s actual request, he repeats again, is not for help against Highland, but help against zombies. Which would be a massive waste of their resources, except conveniently the zombies are in Tinto, and they needed to go there anyway. Hooray!
Even though Apple and Bear seem to think the Count is deploying his zombies in concert with the Highland army, Shu is unconvinced that they should send a bunch of men into danger for this. But Bear insists that he and Barry can take this mission on themselves, because they’ve had great luck against the Count thus far. Barry reluctantly agrees because he knows Bear has a bug up his ass about this and they’ll have to deal with the Count eventually. Koyu says he’ll be their guide, joins the party as a convoy, and says that they should head for Drakemouth Village, which he confusingly says is “southwest of Lake West.” Also, are they going to be entering Drake’s mouth? Barry doesn’t recall morphing into Amanda Bynes.
It’s not THAT impressive.
With Bear and Koyu in tow, and without even putting together a full party, Barry walks out of the war room. Apple, knowing how clingy and paranoid Shu has gotten about his man, asks if he’s going to stop him. He answers calmly, “If you think Barry is someone that you can stop, then there’s no reason for me to be here. It’s not that I want to put anyone in a dangerous position, though.” This is the same guy who flipped out not two days ago because Barry was in the bathtub too long without adult supervision. Not buying it.
Outside the war room, Nanami is waiting for Barry–she knows he’s off to slay Bear’s undead daddy issues for him and wants in on that action, because it sounds hilarious. Barry’s like, “When was the last time I even left your ass behind?” because seriously, he never does. What are we even talking about? So Nanami joins the party. Koyu is, for some reason, surprised that Nanami is the Great and Powerful Lord Barry’s older sister, like that somehow makes him less intimidating. I don’t know. Bear rolls his eyes at all of this.
Barry heads to Leona’s to grab Luc and sneaky female Wakaba, though that only brings his battle party up to five. But he’s got another stop to make before Tinto, and that will bring him up to six. Ignoring Koyu’s no-doubt giant sad eyes when they teleport in the wrong direction, Barry blinks to Banner Village, to make a very special new friend.
Remember how I mentioned, upon Barry’s first visit here, that there was a child dressed up like him? No, he’s not our newest Star of Destiny, though unlike Hoi, he has at least put some effort into the impersonation. The child is named Ko, but let’s just call him Barry Jr., since that will freak out Shu the most. “Hey, wanna hear somethin’ cool??” Barry Jr. asks. “There’s this guy that’s been staying at our inn…all he does is fish in the pond back there…I think he’s called ‘[PUGGY!!!],’ but I was thinkin’…maybe he’s really General Barry!! It sure looks like him!” This kid’s logic is not solid–I think Barry is a little busy to sit here all day and fish–but they both do certainly have that same doe-eyed, world-weary death stare down pat. Let’s go see what’s going on at the pond, then!
As Barry runs toward the pond, he notices a conspicuous redheaded girl in pigtails standing in front of the inn. The girl is named Ellie, and unlike Barry Jr. she has a portrait. Wendy here merely asks Barry for his patronage at her family’s inn and hamburger restaurant, since Banner gets like one tourist a year and they have to capitalize. The fact that Wendy has a unique character model and a portrait may fool some of you into thinking she’s important, but no. She’s just there. Though according to THE INTERNET, Wendy got her start as a burger heiress working as Marie’s assistant at the Penis Castle Inn, which I totally didn’t know because I am not a TRUE FAN, apparently. Regardless, she doesn’t do jack and it makes no sense that she has this lovely portrait and Barry Jr. has none.
Anyway, who cares about stupid Wendy. To the pond! Little Barry Jr. is indeed correct about the presence of one Lord PUGGY!!!, because blocking the path to the pond is none other than–SPOILER ALERT FOR A 16-YEAR-OLD GAME!!!–Gremio, alive, well, and still smothering protecting his Young Master. He refuses to let Barry pass because he’s on orders to keep out autograph seekers and ninjas in hot pink. Also, like damn near everyone who was in the last game, the new artwork is very kind to Gremio–he may be a reanimated dead man, but he’s a hot reanimated dead man. Nice. But no matter how coyly Barry bats his eyelashes, Gremio refuses to let him pass. What a killjoy! Barry returns to the village to come up with a plan to get behind that suave blond man. And also to get to the dock.
Luckily, it seems that Barry Jr. has been thinking over this problem in Barry’s absence, and is ready to help out. He interprets Barry’s silent creep stare and says, “What’s up? Oh! I get it, you want to find some way to move that guy with a scar on his cheek?” Barry Jr., how do you know about th–oh, you mean the one on his face. Continue. “Hey, hey, mister…” he goes on, channeling Nanami. “Do you want to meet General Barry?” Well, obviously! They’re both such big fans that they dress like him and everything! Barry Jr.’s plan is to run up the hill–meaning into Banner Pass–and yell for help, at which point insufferable do-gooder Gremio will dash to his rescue, and apparent total dickweed “General Barry” will not follow him, at which point Barry can swoop in and get his balls signed. The perfect plan! Barry Jr. runs off before Barry can stop him, you know, to tell him what a great fucking idea this is.
‘Master PUGGY!!! is almost done masturbating.’
Back at the pond, Gremio is ready to turn away Barry one more time, but from the north, Barry Jr. shouts, hilariously, “HEEEELLLPP!!! Somebody, anybody!!! Hey, you over there, mister!! HEEEELLLPP!!!” Gremio freaks out, just like Barry Jr. predicted, and runs off to save the day. And also like Barry Jr. predicted, “General Barry” sits on the dock with his fishing pole, totally not giving a fuck. Or he knows full well that Gremio just got played and is going to sit here and enjoy it. I’m delighted with either attitude.
Since I brought along someone who knows him, Bear pulls out of Barry to say hello. “? Yo, [PUGGY!!!]!!” he shouts. Wow, that is a lot of exclamation points. Jeanne pointed out that PUGGY!!! must have been an early victim of punctuitis, leading me to realize that he is in fact patient zero and that the real source of the epidemic is…Jeanne herself! She injected punctuation straight into PUGGY!!!’s bloodstream and it spread like fucking Ebola. Good job, Jeanne!
Oh, Bear is still talking, and it’s pretty cringe-worthy. “Long time no see!” he says. “How are you?? Yup, I got out alive!!” Well, fucking obviously. Bear, instead of discussing the weather, turns to introduce Barry, like PUGGY!!! doesn’t know who he is. Just because Barry Jr. and the citizens of Radat are fucking idiots doesn’t mean PUGGY!!! is, too. Barry brushes Bear aside, since he’s just embarrassing everyone, and asks PUGGY!!! if they can “talk.” A black screen cuts in here, evilly censoring the double Tenkai Star buttsex scene we’ve all been aching for.
‘So that Lepant guy is a HUGE DICK.’
You think I’m kidding, but when we return, it’s to Barry entering the inn with PUGGY!!! in tow, and it’s obviously been some amount of time because Gremio is back, and he’s really agitated about something. He probably saw Barry and PUGGY!!! tangled together from up on the cliff and is deeply pissy that he wasn’t invited to join them. Or he could be upset that Barry Jr. really did befall some calamity up in Banner Pass and is now missing. But how could such a flawless plan possibly fail? Gremio, Wendy, and the Banner Village Suikoclones are convinced that Barry Jr. was kidnapped by mountain bandits and is being held for ransom, thanks to “the war.” I’m guessing that’s code for “Some jerkoff in a red bathrobe has been beating them up en masse and stealing their potch, and they’re all broke now.”
Gremio insists to his Young Master that they have to help, but PUGGY!!! is not so sure. As everyone in the room stares uncomfortably at him, he drops to his knees and the Soul Eater Rune flares to life with an ominous ting! sound. Shaking like he needs to visit the methadone clinic, PUGGY!!! wordlessly communicates to Gremio, I guess, that he is worried his malevolent rune could end up doing more harm than good in this situation. Gremio answers, like they’ve had this conversation a thousand times, and they probably have, “Ted and his grandfather both gave their lives to protect Soul Eater…I don’t think the Rune itself is evil… So please, Young Master, let’s go.” Oh, do you hear that, everybody? Gremio is pretty sure the rune, which he refers to like it’s their well-meaning but racist uncle, isn’t evil, so let’s totally test that theory out in the wild where a kid is in mortal danger. I mean, he’s right, but Jesus.
‘Hey there, handsome. I see your staff is all leveled up.’
Stirred by Gremio’s asspull gut feelings, PUGGY!!! agrees to help out, and he and Gremio join the party, with Gremio as a non-combat convoy. Oh, thank God. I didn’t want to put up with Gremio’s amateur hour axe play just so Barry could romp around with his boyfriend. He wonders if PUGGY!!! will even be willing to have any fun unless his au pair gets to join in.
I think we’re all too familiar with Banner Pass by this point, so let’s skip ahead to where Barry and Co. catch up with the bandits, near the save point. Barry Jr. and his tiny crimson bathrobe aren’t even on the screen, so either he’s hiding in the ass of the lead bandit, or the Save the Chiiiiiiiild quest is about to get longer. The bandit shouts pointlessly and with bad punctuation about who they are and wonders if they’re there to “get the kid back.” When Barry asks, in fact, for the child, the leader elbows his two red bandanna-clad mates and crows, “Didja hear that? A kid’s asking us to return a kid! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!” He turns around, expecting his boys to be in stitches over that hilarious joke, and demands to know why they’re not laughing. Neither of them says, “Because if that trope gets trotted out one more time I’m going to jump off a fucking cliff,” so I guess it’s down to me to say it. Rather, Red Bandanna #1 stutters that Gay Tenkai Star #1 is Lord Barry, and Red Bandanna #2 recognizes Gay Tenkai Star #2 as the famous Lord PUGGY!!!. I don’t even know what to make of all the shrewd recognition going on here. Varkas must have a part-time job selling these guys newspapers.