Making this plan look even better is the fact that Futch obviously does not want a new dragon. He doesn’t even want to go near the egg because that would be cheating on Black or something. “I… I… I don’t need a dragon!” he whines. “Lord [PUGGY!!!], Kent….. They were all so nice to me. Everyone was all concerned about me and hoping they could help me find another dragon… That’s why I couldn’t tell them the truth…. I don’t want to ride on any dragon besides Black!!! He was the only one for me…..” Jesus, Tidus, fine, you don’t have to have a badass new dragon if you don’t want one. Hump decides to use this tack with Futch, though he isn’t really serious about it like I am. “So I guess you don’t need this egg or the beast asleep inside,” he says, whipping out his sword. “I’ll use my sword to destroy it.” Barry, who hasn’t done anything but stand there this whole time, loves the idea of destroying an icky female egg with a sword. But then penetrating the egg with the sword could be seen as symbolism for procreating. Mixed signals from Hump, again.
Kent is aghast that Hump would do such a thing, but he explains. “Dragon Pups [Jesus, really?] are weak creatures,” he says. “With no mother or Knight to care for it, it will weaken and die. And if it did live, but without a master, it would be no more than a monster that terrorizes humans.” But Kent heard a dragon, so it probably does have a mother. But I’m sure he must have heard the one in the unhatched egg. Derp. Kent yells at everybody to make Hump stop this madness, and Futch finally decides he’d rather suck it up and have a new dragon than watch Hump kill this one. On cue, the egg cracks and a cute baby white dragon pops its head out. Dawww!
Who’s got a widdle bwowjob mouth? You do!
The baby dragon crawls out of the eggshell and immediately recognizes Futch as its mommy. According to Hump, dragons are rarely so small and he’s never seen a white one before. You’d think they would have seen its size coming–how big did they think it would be when it came out of that egg? Plus it’s like two minutes old, I’m sure it’ll get bigger. Futch wanks some more about Black, to which Hump replies, “It wouldn’t be a betrayal to have a new dragon. My memories of Black’s death are precious, but I won’t have to forget that. And it’s no reason to close the door to the future.” Translation: stop being a bitch, Futch.
Finally, Futch is all “FINE, I’ll take in this adorable baby dragon,” and names him Bright, after Barry’s Bright Shield Rune. Actually, he “christens” him Bright. Which makes no sense in this game, but I guess it does if Yoshino is Japanese, so forget it. Anyway, Barry can think of worse things than having a dragon sort of named after him. But he can think of something better too, namely Hump taking his fine self to HoYay Castle. And Futch, too, I guess.
Hot.
Back in the Highway Village, Hump and Futch get ready to leave with their new boss and say their goodbyes to Kent and the other villagers. Futch even lets Kent keep Black’s scale, “as proof of [his] promise.” And by the time Bright is fully grown, Kent/Futch will be totally legal. Maybe one or both of them will no longer be whiny little wankers, even. Nice.
Well, that was a pretty large chunk of Barry’s time just for two new recruits, hot as one of them might be. Not that Barry even remembers why anymore, but he heads to the Matilda-Muse checkpoint. There, he spots–oh, right!–Miklotov. He walks up and asks, “Lord Barry, are you going to Muse also?” Yeah, he’s just passing through. Total coincidence. “I must beg of you… Will you let me accompany you? I must cross the border, but the guards are looking out for me, and I’m too conspicuous alone.” Yeah, I’m sure if they’re looking out for him, they won’t bother looking past five other people. Not that Barry isn’t happy to acquiesce. Beat it, Futch.
Of course, the white knights at the gate take all of five seconds to recognize Miklotov. But lucky for him, they received a message from Camus: “It said we were not to interfere with your secret mission,” one says. “Please be careful.” The guards probably both think Miklotov is heading past the checkpoint for a sexy rendezvous with a secret Musian boyfriend. Miklotov takes a moment to breathe “Camus…” before they move on. I’d say those two need to just fuck already, but there’s no way they’re not, right?
It’s a pretty uneventful trip to Muse, though a couple random battles showed me how much I missed the boat with my party formation–if I’d kept Clive and Futch and sent Viki and Nanami home, this would be quite the manly party. Well, maybe Nanami could stay instead of Futch. That would still be the most testosterone-laden group Barry will ever get. As they approach Muse, Miklotov says they should be careful, just in time for an ominous rumble, introducing a rare FMV.
Barry and his entourage look on as the sky above Muse is covered with swirling black clouds. From the lower city, a black vortex with hundreds of tiny blue streaks streams upward and turns into two phantasmic, electric-blue, howling wolf heads. It’s honestly not a bad-looking animation for being so old, but it’s also about ten seconds long, so it’s not like they had to break the bank here.
Out of the FMV, we convene with Prince Adolf and Jowy, watching the light show from the top of Jowston Hill. “HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!” Adolf crows in his inimitable way. “Look at how beautiful it is!!! Watching their filthy souls sucked into oblivion!!!!” Just so we know that those streaks of blue were souls, and that the Muse refugees weren’t just running away from a Jowston Hill timeshare presentation. Jowy’s not as into the blood ritual as Adolf, and has some ellipses ready to demonstrate that. “What’s wrong?” Adolf asks, like he’s on a romantic picnic with his boyfriend and accidentally brought merlot instead of Jowy’s favorite shiraz. “Don’t you think it’s beautiful? Weren’t you also born without the legitimate blood of your father?” Whoa, hold up there, sweetcheeks. Jowy’s like, “Are you some kind of moron?” Adolf’s point, I guess, is that he thinks Jowy is above the other “pigs” and has a dark Nazi soul just like him. “Surely you must feel it too,” he adds, turning the conversation into the world’s creepiest come-on. I still have no idea what this has to do with Jowy’s lineage, even if he is a bastard, since Adolf himself is legitimate. But regardless, Jowy says, “But I…I am grateful to my father for taking me in.” He walks away, leaving Adolf alone to enjoy his bloodlust erection.
This way I don’t have to type this out.
Back to our heroes, who don’t have the context for the fireworks display that we just got, and so have no idea what happened. If I were him I wouldn’t be caught dead walking into Muse after that, but our Barry is a brave lad and enters the city. The streets, Miklotov needlessly points out, are completely empty, and they don’t find a single person until they reach the gate to Jowston Hill. A Suikoclone flops down at their feet, incoherently begging for help. The clone is being pursued by a Highland soldier, who promptly engages the party in a battle, since they’re suspiciously not dead and stuff. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out here that Miklotov, in battle, holds his sword out completely vertically. It looks…suggestive.
He’s ready to party.
As the Suikoclone gurgles and dies, he tells them what happened. But it’s an atomic bomb of over-punctuation, so here’s the short version: a monster ate everyone in Muse. Oh noes. The guy’s body disappears when he dies, which is more than passing strange. The party quickly figures out that there’s no point in hanging out here to be eaten, and decides to return to Rockaxe, where Miklotov is sure he’ll convince Wart to invade now that he has basically no proof that anything happened. Barry gets the hell out of Dodge, with only a few more random Highland soldier encounters.
Once they’re safely inside Rockaxe, Nanami and Miklotov babble about all the danger they were never really in and how lucky they were to make it back. “Lord Barry,” Miklotov says, “I’m sure Lord [Wart] will understand when we inform him… I swear, by my hands, [Prince Adolf] will fall…” Barry is much less convinced that Wart will understand anything other than how to act like a self-important blowhard fuckhead, but figures Miklotov should see that for himself.
I figured he would want Camus in the way for that.
Camus greets them at the door, all relieved that his man made it home safely. “Yes… I met Lord Barry on the way, and we travelled together,” Miklotov tells him in adorably clueless fashion. But he has no time to explain–he’s got to talk to the big boss! When the group enters the reception hall, it’s like Wart hasn’t even gotten his fat ass out of that chair in three days. He pretends to be happy that Miklotov has returned safely, but by no means is he going to let him take any of their army into Muse. “The Highland Army gathered all the people of Muse and the nearby towns, and sacrificed them in some bizarre ritual!” Miklotov insists. “It was a massacre!” He even tries appealing to Wart’s knight’s honor, like that’s going to fucking work. “I don’t know what you saw,” Wart replies, basically calling Miklotov a lying bitch, “but we Knights have a responsibility to govern this land. We can’t send its people into danger.” Miklotov points out it won’t take long for Adolf and his posse of prettyboys to turn on Matilda when they’re done killing everybody else, but Wart is not having any of it. “As a Knight Captain,” he over-capitalizes, “didn’t you pledge to me, by the emblem on your chest, your undying loyalty? Is breaking that pledge part of a ‘Knight’s Honor’?” Wait, they wear his emblem on their chests? That’s so cute! It’s like they’re all walking around in Wart’s varsity letter jacket with his class ring on a necklace.
Miklotov takes like five screens of boring blathering to ruminate on the meaning of his knight’s honor, but the important thing is, in front of God and Wart and everybody, he finally cries, “I am!!! I am a Human first and a Knight second!!! I don’t need your title! I resign myself to your disgrace! But I will never forgive you!!! I can never look idly by while lives are being thrown away!!!” And with that assault on written English, he rips off his promise ring emblem and flings it to the floor with a metallic ting. And he’s not going to put out on prom night either! You heard me!
Camus chooses this moment to interrupt, asking Wart to let Miklotov “cool off a bit” so he’ll see the error of his ways. The cooling off probably involves blowjobs. But Wart wants Camus to arrest this traitor instead. And even though he was referring to it as a bad decision in a heated moment two seconds ago, Camus is all, “Arrest Miklotov? I can’t do that.” And he, too, chucks his knight’s emblem onto the carpet. While Wart gibbers in his chair, Camus asks Barry if the two of them can join the Yaoi Army. Barry finds all this rebelling against authority incredibly arousing and immediately agrees, so long as they do what he says without giving him any lip.
While Barry is doing his little “I caught a Bidoof” dance, Wart orders the other red and blue knight clones in the room to arrest them all. But like their lieutenants, they are also sick of Wart and want to go hang out in HoYay Castle, the new happening night spot for all Jowston’s sexy dudes, and in a bit of an “Oh Captain! My Captain!” moment, all of them start ripping Wart’s emblems off of their chests. Finally, he scuttles out the back door, unable to bear the shame of losing this many pool boys at once.
Outside, Camus insists that Barry and Miklotov go on ahead without him, while he tries to convince as many other knights as he can to join the cause. Camus is Barry’s new favorite army member. Not only is he a hot guy, but he takes the initiative to go recruit other hot guys! That’s the kind of can-do spirit the Yaoi Army needs.
Cut to the Matilda end of the Matilda-Muse checkpoint. Apparently they’ve run all this way, and just when they’re reasonably sure that they’ll be safe, one of the blue knights that joined them runs up, all in a lather because they’re being pursued by a shitload of knights. Shu chooses this moment to walk up, all “Hey baby, want to hop in my limo back to HoYay Castle?” Nanami bounces a little. “Shu!” she cries, and this is easily the happiest she’s ever been to see him. “Thank God! Now we’ll stand a fighting chance!!!” Unflappable as ever, Shu asks Nanami to use her eyes for once and take a look at their pursuers. Of course, it’s Camus, with two long, impressive columns of knights. Employee of the Fucking Month. “They share our disgust for [Wart’s] methods,” Camus tells his boyfriend. “About half of both the Red and Blue Knights have decided to join us.” Shu, who doesn’t seem remotely fazed by what he’s hearing, walks up to Camus and Miklotov and introduces himself, smooth as you please. Barry is already picking out décor colors for his celebration orgy in his head. There’s going to be a chocolate fountain, and he is going to dip everything in it.
Even better, Shu’s escort–heh–means that Barry is automatically sent back to HoYay Castle instead of having to hoof it through the forest pass again. In the war room, Nanami admits that she’s relieved to be home because, in her words, “I guess it’s because this is where I want to live…” Barry can’t possibly think of a better place to live, now that he has a bajillion sexy knights staying here. He doesn’t even mind them eating all his food! Shu takes him out of his tenth reverie about naked Camus in the last five minutes. “We weren’t able to form an alliance with the Matilda Knights, but we’ve got many new recruits,” he exposits for Apple, Teresa, and Fitcher’s benefit. “However, the Highland Army isn’t just sitting idly by either. They’re going to come at us again sooner or later. This is just a brief rest…. Starting tomorrow, we’ll have to fight again.” Nanami is bummed out about this, and advises Barry to go visit Lassie because she’s missed him so much lately. Why, that’s just what Barry wants to do when his army and castle just got about two hundred percent more studly: go hang out with a little girl who just reminds him of his ex-boyfriend. You’re the wind beneath my wings, Nanami.
‘My pants.’
Unfortunately, the castle is locked up tight at night, and Barry is more or less given no other options than to go talk to stupid Lassie, especially since she’s hanging out in his bedroom. Lassie spins around and acts like a mute idiot when they walk in the room. “Whew…” Nanami says. “Hey….Barry…..[Lassie] just wants…. One more time….” When Barry gives her the “Are you having a stroke?” face, she replies, “………Huh? Ummm…. No, Goodnight, Barry!!” No, I’m pretty sure she is in fact having a stroke.
While the denizens of HoYay Castle are snug in their beds, and Barry is still not fucking getting any for crying out loud, we rejoin Prince Adolf and Jowy, back in Adolf’s palace in Highland, as they discuss their sooper seekrit plans. “An interesting idea,” Adolf is saying, “but what about the expeditionary force? It’s not as if the entire army is loyal to me. Particularly Kiba and his son are more loyal to the King than me. It could even mean the entire State strategy is in danger.” Jowy isn’t concerned about this, leading Adolf to wonder when Jowy got so fucking smart and self-assured. For an answer, Jowy presents the strategist he dug out of an abandoned burned building, Leon Silverberg. Leon looks more or less exactly the same as he did three years ago, down to his red coat, charcoal-gray scarf and bushy ’70s porno mustache. Leon takes no time at all to name-drop: “That’s nothing,” he tells Adolf. “If I couldn’t figure that much out, I’d be an embarrassment to the Silverburg family.” I’m pretty sure that’s the first name-drop I’ve seen where the guy misspells his own name. Well played. Adolf assists him in this process: “So you really were a strategist for the Scarlet Moon Empire along with Mathiu Silverburg…. Why are you here?” Leon’s basically like, “What use are my skills at name-dropping if I don’t get out there and remind everybody that I’m famous?” Adolf doesn’t really care either way. “Well I leave the rest to you, my younger brother-in-law,” he says. “Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha.” I really think Adolf and Nanami should get a procedural spinoff where they investigate crimes and use their patented brand of “English” to interrogate suspects. They could call it “Bracing Tincture.”
And that is where we’ll leave off for now. In part 13, the Yaoi Army battles for Radat, Barry probably does a shitload of recruiting, and Jowy twists the knife in Barry’s back some more by marrying a lady. That cad. See you next time!