Wakaba asks Barry, “Say, you don’t know any strong fighters, do you…?” Ooh, a chance to impress a cute boy! Barry’s all over that. “What about me?” he answers, and dramatically whips out his tonfa. Yes, Barry doesn’t look particularly strong, but this kid is hardly Hulk Hogan, either. To Barry’s delight, Wakaba shrieks, “Wow!!! Amazing!!!! Yeah, yeah!! Even I can tell how strong you are!!” For the first time in Barry’s life, over-punctuation is giving him that funny feeling. Down there.
Goddamn hippies.
Wakaba eagerly joins the Yaoi Army and the current battle party, under the guise of finding his wandering master. Yeah, right. He wants to mack on Barry and we all know it. According to Wakaba, his master has gone to Matilda. Popular destination, that. Maybe there are nude beaches there?
I have to make a note of this because it’s so stupid: on his way out of town, Barry speaks with an old man at the entrance. He spouts off this bit of lamery: “My! We don’t get many travellers here. We call this place Forest Village, boy, because for us, the forest and village are one.” In a way, it’s almost comforting–it means, possibly, that one of the game’s writers had the presence of mind to say, “Hey, perhaps this ‘Forest Village’ business is a bit on the uncreative side. Maybe we should put more thought into our town names.” But instead of actually doing that, because they would have had to recode more stuff, they inserted this one NPC to recite the Lamest Reason Ever for Naming a Village. “The forest and village are one”? If that were true, wouldn’t the place be called “Forillage” or “Villest” or something? I could go on, here. For paragraphs and paragraphs. But I’m going to hold back for the sake of brevity. Of course, you can all see how long this recap is, so I don’t know why I bother.
After some profitable business transactions in Kobold Village–where the kobold and village are one!–Barry returns to his castle, breathless with anticipation for his new bath. Will it be fabulous enough? Should he go buy that Peeing Boy accessory? How many of his army members should get monogrammed bathrobes? He’d better check with Gilderoy for a price quote on that. But first, bathtime! He can’t wait to get naked with Luc and Wakaba–
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
Instead of sitting on the men’s side of the bath, Wakaba is over there with Oulan and Nanami–with the women! Barry is so enraged that he doesn’t even notice how asstastic his new bath looks (really, if he had wanted a room full of oil drums he could have put that together himself). A sultry chick with big hooters trying to get in his pants is one thing. But our hero does not tolerate deceptive tomboys. I hope Wakaba enjoys latrine duty.
‘That bitch!’
A few doors down from Tetsu’s Ugly-Ass Oil Drum Room, Barry ends up on a balcony he’s never visited before, and walks in on a conversation between some random Suikoclone and a man in all yellow. When the man, named Hai Yo, exclaims, “Don’t worry!!! Leave it to me!!!!” I can see from his portrait that he has a thin, curly, handlebar mustache and he’s also smiling so hard his face might crack. High Yo goes on, “If you want good food, you gotta have a pro to cook it!! So leave it to me!!!!” The fact that he’s a cook is mildly alarming–he seems like the type to lace the entire army’s food with speed, and the Yaoi Army isn’t going to win any battles like that.
This guy has not been paying attention.
When High Yo sees Barry standing there, he blows off the Suikoclone (not like that) and bounds over, still smiling that horrible smile. “I know who you are!!!” he screams at poor Barry. “Leader of the Yaoi Army!!!! You’re Lord Barry!!!!!” Jesus, is there something in the water today? Is Barry’s entire army soon going to be overcome with Punctuitis? High Yo keeps screaming excitedly, like he’s trying to scare Barry into submission. “Hey, hey!! I’ll make delicious food for you!!!! Please hire me!!!!!” Is that a threat?
Barry tells the guy he’s hired to make him go away, and so he does, off to his new kitchen, whistling a merry tune. A black screen transforms the balcony Barry’s standing on into a terrace café, so now Lawrence of Assholia can have a savory bowl of cioppino while he bitches about not being included in all of Barry’s plans. Meanwhile, the connecting room has been remodeled into a fancy restaurant, with High Yo slaving over a wok in the back. Barry hands him some recipes and gets the hell out of there. Hopefully none of them had “methamphetamines” on the ingredients list. Though High Yo would probably chuck ’em in the pot anyway.
Ha. That’s assuming I ever put him in the party.
Astoundingly, that’s it for recruitment this time around, so it’s time to see what’s going on in the war room. Flik, Bear, Shu, Apple, Lassie, and Eilie are all waiting there when Barry arrives. Clue the first that some contrived bullshit involving Lassie is on its way, since there’s no reason a little kid should be hanging out there while the important folks talk strategy. (Yeah, Eilie shouldn’t be there either, but she has to be there so she can be the first person to hump Barry’s leg upon his return.) Everyone in the room congratulates Barry on his “success” at Two River, as if inheriting a bunch of kobolds, wingers, and sackless humans, all of whom want to live and eat here for free, is really a fantastic accomplishment. Lassie runs over to Barry, all “…..” at him like she wants a hug. “Looks like she was worried about you too,” Bear says. “You sure are popular, Barry! Ha ha ha ha ha!” Popular with the ladies. Barry’s lifelong dream.
Shu breaks up the Barry Is Awesome party by reminding everyone that there is still work to be done. When Bear asks what happened to get Shu’s panties in a twist, Shu answers, “Lord Barry must be tired. I’ll explain in detail tomorrow…” I think that’s Shu code for “Lord Barry, report to my room immediately for a ‘briefing.'” Sweet. Barry needs a little time with his man–recruiting useless tools takes it out of him. Unfortunately for me (and for fanfic writers looking for “evidence”), upon leaving the room the Black Screen of Yaoi Coverups appears, and before we know it morning has come and Barry’s waking up in bed, alone. Dammit. At this rate I’ll never get to see Shu’s extensive collection of scented massage oils.
Back in the war room, everyone’s standing around like no time has passed, except Eilie has been replaced by Big Gay Fitcher, who yawns sleepily at Barry. Poor dear had his beauty rest interrupted, no doubt. Barry ignores Fitcher’s bleary-eyed leering at him (he’s gotten used to it) and turns to Shu, who is now ready to tell the group what the hell’s going on. “Greenhill has fallen to the Kingdom of Highland,” he announces dramatically. I like this “the Kingdom of Highland” stuff, too. Everyone in the room knows what Highland is, and no one is likely to mistake it for some other Highland that’s not a kingdom. It’s like when sports analysts on ESPN always say, “the game of football.” Do they think their viewers are going to mistake it for some kind of football that is not a game? And yes, this is the kind of usage I’m forced to pick apart now, given that I’ve become completely desensitized to seeing five exclamation points at the end of every sentence.
Anyway. Barry and Nanami look at each other like the sacking of a town they’ve never visited is extremely significant to them. Flik ponders, “But how did they take Greenhill while most of their forces were in Two River…” Apple, for once, is informed and helpful, telling the group, “The troops that captured Greenhill apparently number only 5,000 men.” Spastic “!” bubbles above sprite heads abound. “Wait a second…you can’t be serious!” Bear yells. “Greenhill’s got to have at least 7,000 soldiers of its own…” Shu admits that there was some mad tactical genius going on here on Highland’s side. “Their commander is apparently the leader of Highland’s Fourth Army, and [Salon’s] replacement,” Shu tells the group. “This is not a man to be taken lightly.” Let me blow the “surprise” for you all right now: it’s Jowy. Even if we hadn’t witnessed this conversation between Jowy and Prince Adolf, obviously Shu would just say the guy’s name if it were anyone else. But then we wouldn’t get the inevitable “Jowy…how could you?” from Barry later. This just wouldn’t be a Suikoden game if the hero didn’t experience all manner of emotional anguish, after all.
Since no one present has the slightest inclination to probe Shu further about the mystery man’s identity (though Barry would like to probe him in another way), the discussion turns to what the Yaoi Army is going to do about this Greenhill thing. Shu basically says they’re fucked and there’s no way they can take back Greenhill at present. Flik, disgusted, asks if they’re giving up. “It appears we’ll have to,” Shu admits. “However, we will get the acting mayor of Greenhill, Teresa, to safety.” Bear blurts out, “Teresa?? Why?” like he’s deadly afraid of the thought of bringing yet another woman into the castle. But then he goes on to Shu, “I’m surprised to hear a realist like you say such a thing.” Now, call me crazy, but one would think that a realist would be more likely to recognize an acting mayor (i.e., the person doing all the actual mayor work) over the person who is the real mayor but has no real power or responsibility. It would be surprising, therefore, if Shu said they were going to rescue Alec Wisemail, the actual mayor, even though he, per Shu, “has been seriously ill for many years” and therefore means dick-all in the grand scheme of things. In short: shut up, Bear. The adults are talking.
After Shu and the others are done verbally fellating Teresa (which takes several eyeroll-inducing text bubbles with key phrases like “icon,” “immense popularity,” and “morale-booster”), Shu presents his plan for rescuing the acting mayor. “Greenhill is essentially a college town,” he says, “and students from countries all over the continent come to study there. I don’t think the Highland Army’s occupation will stop that.” Why not? Because Prince Adolf is a bloodthirsty maniac, but he understands the need for postsecondary education in today’s competitive job market? He wants to be sure there is No Child Left Behind? Seriously, Shu has no way of knowing this assumption is correct, but his entire plan hinges on it. The plan being: Barry and a select group of teens will pose as college students, sneak into Greenhill, and find Teresa. He puts the bureaucratic details of this plan in the petal-soft hands of Big Gay Fitcher.
Nanami is just stoked about this mission. “All RIGHT! Let’s go!!” she shouts at the group at large, to which Bear is all, “No, no, NO, you are NOT invited.” Lassie mutely dances in a circle to show her excitement, and Bear’s about to send both girls to their rooms without supper, until Big Gay Fitcher concedes, “It doesn’t matter how many come, since you’re meant to be students. Also, only you youngsters should go… It’ll make things look less suspicious.” It is quite a perfect cover, really: no one will suspect this group of being capable of doing anything untoward in Greenhill, since they’re just children.
But the kiddies have to have one adult supervising them, and Shu thinks that person should be Flik. “You will be their bodyguard…and their leader,” Shu says, even though Barry will be going and he’s kind of the leader of the whole army. Is Shu mad at him? Is he being demoted? Meanwhile, Flik is still stammering incoherently at being chosen for this mission, while Nanami and Lassie dance around him, Nanami singing, “Yay! Teacher Flik, Teacher Flik!!” Barry smirks–it must be Flik Shu is mad at, after all.
A bad omen for Flik.
Flik, Lassie, and Nanami all merge into Barry, leaving our hero to choose the rest of his party. Shu reminds Barry, “As Fitcher said, only those of appropriate school age should go.” The list Barry has to choose from actually removes anyone who is not of “appropriate school age,” but the list still leaves some…interesting choices. Because it totally wouldn’t be conspicuous to bring Shiro, or Muku Ranger Red. I’m sure the academy has a sizable Sentai Squirrel population. They even have an after-school club. They meet at the local coffee shop on Thursdays to shout “MUUUU!!!” at each other while emphatically pointing to poignant lines in their copies of Leaves of Grass.
And you know what? They’re both coming along. It’ll help make this portion of the game even more ridiculous than it already is. Luc can also come, since he seems to be the only remaining character on this list who hasn’t pissed off Barry recently, Wakaba.
The trip to Greenhill–a city nestled in the middle of a large forest–is an uneventful one, so let’s fast forward to Barry, his recon team, and Big Gay Fitcher standing in a huddle in front of the city gates. Apparently everyone involved thought it would be smart to make all the fake paperwork arrangements here and now, instead of ahead of time. Those Highland guards over there won’t suspect a thing.