Back on the main screen, Teo orders a retreat. Alen, his character portrait indicating that he is an Important Person, offers to pummel Pahn himself so that maybe Teo will “reward” him. So obsessed is Alen with gaining favors from Teo that he doesn’t notice that he totally verbally emasculated the guy. Hello, your boss just got a whupping, don’t imply that you could do better. Teo’s pissiness is evident in his reply: “I said retreat. Are your deaf?” Are Alen’s deaf what? Both Alen and Grenseal ignore Teo’s total raping of grammar as the sprite trio retreats. Pahn immediately falls on his ass, wondering, “I won? Or did he show mercy, and let me go?” Let’s see…the guy has two backups, not to mention a rather large group of hungry dinosaurs just offscreen. Do the math, Pahn. Oh wait — he’s the dumb, burly fighter guy. He can’t do math.

We immediately cut back to Penis Castle and its jaunty music. PUGGY!!! stands in the center of a random level, surrounded by irritating asshats milling about. Despite the total clusterfuck from earlier, it seems the castle isn’t missing a single member (no pun intended). PUGGY!!! is no doubt thrilled beyond measure. He makes a beeline toward the inn to save, since he’s sure that Pahn doesn’t want to relive the encounter with Teo, Groundhog Day-style, on the off chance that someone fucks something up. Not that I would do such a thing, gaming master that I am.

Without anything else to do at the moment, PUGGY!!! heads to the war room to advance the plot yet again. Mathiu, Dirty Sanchez, Bear, and Flik are all present. “Commander PUGGY!!!, the soldiers are exhausted. We’d better rest,” Mathiu suggests. Since he doesn’t include a description like “the small number of remaining soldiers” I can conclude that Mathiu is either trying to minimize the effect of his fuckup by acting like it’s no biggie, or no one actually got killed, they just got tired and walked off the battlefield when the raptor riders poked them with lances. The little sprites floating up to heaven with angel wings were…

…shit.

Mathiu says nothing more — not that I’m complaining — so PUGGY!!! does a quick round of Talk To Everyone. Dirty Sanchez creepily informs PUGGY!!! that “[PUGGY!!!’s] bed is ready” like he just prepared it with scented oils and rose petals. Ew. Bear and Flik bitch about Teo’s armored dinosaur cavalry, lamenting that their own attacks didn’t even make a dent. You’d think this was the first time they’d encountered an unbeatable force that they had to discover the “secret” to beating. Rather than, like, the third.

PUGGY!!! wanders around a bit more, noting that Pahn is back in his bedless room with Cleo. Not that he or anyone else for that matter seems to care. I bet Pahn’s really glad he risked himself for these ungrateful dicks. “Where’s my food,” is all he can say. Where’s my food, indeed.

PUGGY!!! knows from Dirty Sanchez’s bed-related comment that he needs to rest in order to actually advance the plot. But can you blame him for avoiding his room after learning that Dirty Sanchez rubbed his greasy hands (and possibly other body parts) on PUGGY!!!’s bedsheets? Desperately, PUGGY!!! tries several other beds. This has nothing to do with the fact that I forgot about PUGGY!!!’s swank new room and used trial and error to find the right bed. Finally, PUGGY!!! gives up and heads to his chamber, spraying his sheets liberally with Febreeze. Then burning them.

After the screen blacks out, the Mystical Oboe Tune of Destiny announces Leknaat’s appearance. Just what PUGGY!!! needs — a chick randomly appearing in his bedroom. We now know from later, voice-acted games that Leknaat’s voice has a rather unfortunate cheesy reverb. I only point it out because I want to describe the atmosphere and characters as accurately as possible. Or maybe it just makes her dialogue more amusing. “PUGGY!!!, you are lost and confused,” Leknaat comments. Like it takes a freaking fortune-teller to figure that one out after watching PUGGY!!! search the castle for his God damn room. Or watching him on the world map for that matter. “Gremio’s death, your battle with your father. But you must go on.” Ohhhhhhh. See, PUGGY!!! thought he had to kill himself! Thanks for that valuable insight.

PUGGY!!! sarcastically responds, “Why must I?” Leknaat doesn’t notice that PUGGY!!!’s totally making fun of her. “It is about time I tell you about myself and my older sister Windy,” she announces. Lady, it’s 2 AM. PUGGY!!! doesn’t give a crap about your family history, even if you are related to that ponytailed hag. Leknaat, being blind or whatever, doesn’t notice PUGGY!!!’s gigantic yawn or eyeroll. She plows right on with her stupid story. “My sister Windy and I are survivors of the Clan of the Gate. PUGGY!!!, look at the rune Ted gave you, on your right hand.” I like how she has to point out where the rune is, like there would be any confusion on PUGGY!!!’s part as to the location of the Soul Eater.

OMG, RunePreg!

Leknaat explains that although there are a buttload of runes in the universe, they were all created from 27 True Runes. The Soul Eater is — dun dun DUN! — one of these runes. Wait, didn’t we already know this? Didn’t Ted tell him this way back at the beginning of the game? Also, did you know that the Soul Eater has “terrible power”? Me neither! I haven’t been paying attention to the plot at all! “That Soul Eater you carry has yet to unleash its true potential,” Leknaat explains. Oh, see I thought it would only have two spells in the entire game even though every other rune has four. Even the psychics in this game are masters of the obvious.

Apparently, Windy also holds a True Rune called the Gate Rune, which is totally badass. But it sucks in comparison to the Soul Eater or something, which is why she has such a hard-on for PUGGY!!!’s rune. “If my sister obtains two True Runes and uses them for revenge, it will be catastrophic for this world,” Leknaat warns, not bothering to explain just what kind of revenge her sister is after. Revenge against her hairstylist? Against whoever set her up on that blind date with that obsessive Assarosa guy? Well, Leknaat won’t tell us, because that kind of information isn’t blatantly obvious to the entire universe. “The True Runes are far too powerful to be used by humans. Only you can stop my sister.” And why is PUGGY!!! the only one who can stop Windy? Because he has a True Rune. Which is too powerful to be used by humans, which is why he, a human with a True Rune, has to use his True Rune to stop Windy, a human with a True Rune, because True Runes are bad for humans to use so she shouldn’t be using one but it’s okay for him to use one to make sure she doesn’t use one. Crystal clear.

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After Leknaat offers him some words of encouragement that totally don’t make up for the fact that PUGGY!!!’s life totally sucks right now and she just implied that it’s going to suck worse before too long, the screen fades out and back in on morning. PUGGY!!! lies in bed, wondering if there’s enough concealing cream to cover the massive eye circles he has after getting his sleep interrupted by that talky bitch.

Now that he’s fulfilled the plot prerequisite of sleeping, he heads back to the war room. It turns out that PUGGY!!! apparently has a sign on his forehead that says, “Please, talk about yourself” because Mathiu launches into a comment about his own personal journey. “Commander PUGGY!!!. I was…saved by Odessa.” PUGGY!!! bites back a comment that Odessa is dead, so she’s probably not going around saving anyone unless she’s an unusually helpful zombie.

I’m sure you’re not the first guy to have that particular idea.

Speaking of helpful, the only person in the room with anything to contribute is Flik. By this point, the stick has been almost completely removed from his ass, since he happily refers to PUGGY!!! as “leader.” Flik, as it turns out, is the only person in the entire game who remembers that whole Fire Spears plotline from earlier. Assuming that the secret factory workers haven’t abandoned the project even though they haven’t heard from the Lubrication Army in a long-ass time, the Lubrication Army should be able to wipe out the velociraptors with Fire Spears. “After all, the Fire Spear was Odessa’s final gift,” Flik reminds them. Some would say that Odessa’s rescue of that precious child was her final gift, but I sure wouldn’t. Shit, the kid’s own parents didn’t bother to save it, so it’s probably one of those little fuckers that screams in restaurants and planes.

Anyway. Dirty Sanchez seems skeptical of the whole idea, pointing out that the inn basement HQ wasn’t the only Lubrication hideout that got trashed in the Great Lubrication Army Shakedown. Perhaps the secret factory, too, went the way of Gremio. Everyone just kind of stares awkwardly at Negative Nancy. The potential pointlessness of a quest has never stopped this crew. “But we have no choice but to find out,” Mathiu says. And by “we,” he of course means PUGGY!!!. Dick.

PUGGY!!! goes ahead and assembles his party. Sadly, he is once again forced to choose Tai Ho and Yam Koo. I’m starting to get the idea that half the recruits in this game require the presence of Tai Ho and Yam Koo, which says nothing good about the Lubrication Army. At the castle docks, PUGGY!!! finds Gen and Kamandol bickering in their usual way, which is just what he needs right now. While their comrades were out on the battlefield getting penetrated by Teo McDohl’s Phallic Velociraptor Army of Doom, Gen and Kamandol took the opportunity to build a high-speed boat. Not that their presence would have helped the outcome of the battle in any way. Before PUGGY!!! can point out that Lubrication Army battles aren’t an optional event, Gen invites him to the “launching ceremony.” “Care to take a ride in it?” Gen winks. PUGGY!!!’s glad he didn’t eat anything that morning. Gross.

PUGGY!!! informs Gen that the test ride will involve neither him nor Kamandol, nor will it involve any sexy shenanigans whatsoever because his party includes Tai Ho, Yam Koo, and Cleo. Indeed, who could get turned on after seeing Tai Ho get just a little too excited over the sleek new vessel? Not any of you, I hope.

I’ll pretend that PUGGY!!!’s destination is some sort of thrilling and mysterious cliffhanger. Hey, you try finding a better place to split up the recaps at a close to halfway point. Yeah, that’s what I thought. To read the resolution to this thrilling and mysterious cliffhanger, click here. You can almost feel the excitement. Just…don’t send me any pictures.