We fade back in on PUGGY!!!’s new and improved bedroom. Instead of that dinky little thing from before, he now has an enormous chamber, complete with a rug, some decorative vases, a table, and some bookshelves to hold his gay porn. Even though the décor still has a long way to go to become fabulous, this is so much better than Lepant’s ill-gotten tower. Suck it, Lepant.

Me neither. Pfft — man-eating spores.

Outside, PUGGY!!! finds his friends all scattered about, undoubtedly watching him for any signs of a nervous breakdown. Pahn and Cleo are all, “Gremio died and that sucks ass.” Even poor, deluded Camille is there, practically sobbing over losing the object of her misguided affection. Jeez, that’s some serious denial. Bear, on the other hand, is all business — he wants to attack Milich’s castle ASAP. He even insults PUGGY!!!’s manhood by offering to lead the army himself if PUGGY!!!’s not ready. PUGGY!!! flips him the bird, then sees what Flik has to say. “PUGGY!!!. I’m beginning to understand why Odessa chose you,” he brownnoses. Well, it’s about time. Ass. “You’d better live up to Odessa’s, and Gremio’s, expectations,” he finishes. Nothing like a little pressure, huh, PUGGY!!!?

It’s been a while since PUGGY!!! saved, so he takes care of that before talking to Mathiu. After reading my various recaps, you guys all know that I never die after forgetting to save for a while. This would be no exception. I most certainly did not croak in the upcoming army battle and have to go all the way back to the beginning of Soniere Prison. That would be incredibly stupid, wouldn’t it?

The “Let’s Make Milich Our Man-Bitch” music starts up when PUGGY!!! talks to Mathiu and Liukan in the meeting room. Mathiu backs up what Bear said — Milich must go down. Not like that. Well, maybe like that, but only later. “This here is an antitoxin,” Liukan explains, his sprite lacking in any sort of animation whatsoever. He reiterates his life story and how he just wanted to live a Simple Life, but now he’s had a change of heart and is all raring to provide his talents to the Lubrication Army. PUGGY!!!’s only heard that spiel about a million times from a million different characters, but what the hell. Welcome aboard, Liukan. There is no further discussion of the antitoxin or how it differs from the item of the same name sold at Chandler’s shop.

It’s time for another army battle! The miniature troops once again face off in front of Milich’s castle. Since it looks like a penis, just like Penis Castle, I’m going to name it the Phallus Palace so that we can keep them straight. Well, not straight. Anyway, this time the Lubrication Army has a few more numbers — 9745 to be exact. After some completely useless banter, the first thing I do, of course, is call upon the fugly thieves to ascertain the enemy’s next move. Instead of doing this, however, Krin decides he’d rather steal 2000 bits from the other side. I know I’ve been bitching about money through this entire recap, but I’m still pissed off. Luckily for Krin’s well-being, PUGGY!!! manages to choose all the right options in battle. This is due to my extremely 1337 army skills and not because I just attempted this battle, chose all the wrong options, and died. Don’t be silly.

After Milich’s army is beaten into the ground, the miniature sprites throw a big helium-voiced celebration and Liukan brags about his mad skillz. Well, I didn’t die from the poisonous poison this time, so I guess I’ll let him have that one. I’m generous and shit.

Did not need to know that.

We cut to PUGGY!!!, Mathiu, Bear, and Flik in front of the Phallus Palace. An even fruitier version of the Suikoden Gay Theme we heard earlier trills in the background. “Master PUGGY!!!, let’s break into the castle and set fire to the roses,” Mathiu suggests. PUGGY!!! balks at this — the roses may be full of venomous poison, but they’re still pretty frickin’ fabulous. But hell, fire is fun, too. Bear vows to avenge Gremio, even though he, Bear, is the guy who totally tried to steal PUGGY!!! away from the poor dead guy. Whatever, Bear. Flik joins the party along with Bear because they’re doing it, but at least PUGGY!!! gets to pick the rest of the members — Pahn and Cleo, obviously. Because I would eventually like to get those stupid Ass Pirates on my team, I add the villainous Tai Ho as well. I hate everything right now.

PENIS!!!

Quelling my wrath a bit is the fact that Milich’s Phallus Palace is fucking hilarious. But I’ll get to that in a moment. First, it’s time for another of PUGGY!!!’s trademark side trips. Hey, if you want the storyline to continue smoothly, then tell Konami not to have so God damn many recruitable characters. I hear they have a Yahoo address.

At the inn in Antei, PUGGY!!! finds another blonde chick. This one has an elaborate hairdo and poofy dress. I looked up her character artwork online, and it looks like she has a big, red, polka-dotted butt bow as well. Her name is Esmeralda, but with that overdone character design it’s not like I would expect her to be named Jane or Ann. This is not an opportunity for any Janes or Anns to pop up on the message board and whine at me for using your names as an example, for God’s sake.

Esmeralda’s one of the portrait people who recognizes PUGGY!!! as the Lubrication Army leader. Unfortunately, her skills of perception stop there. Displaying levels of denial akin to Sylvina or Camille, or even Rinoa, she says, “You’re planning to kidnap me for a ransom, aren’t you? How frightening!” And all of this, according to her, is because of her beauty. Holy crap, her gaydar is beyond broken — it’s been through the woodchipper. She generously offers to join the Lubrication Army, but only if PUGGY!!! gives her a symbol of good faith. In this case, an opal. Luckily, PUGGY!!! has a whole slew of them after fighting roughly fifty bazillion battles in Soniere Prison. He’s a little put out that he has to give jewelry to a pushy chick, but hey — at least he doesn’t have to hunt down the God damn Rose Brooch.

Esmeralda hikes off to Penis Castle to undoubtedly encounter men both more beautiful and more feminine than she is. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that meeting. After she’s gone, PUGGY!!! lets out a beleaguered sigh. Not only a chick, but a useless and delusional one as well. Yeah, another one. Not cool. Totally lame.

Holy shit.

Okay, now it’s time to brave the Phallus Palace. Like I said before, it’s freaking hilarious. Yet I feel I don’t quite have the words to describe the extreme levels of gay at work here. Or, I should say Gay with a capital “G.” Since there is already a contest to write phallic poetry about the Durandal at the moment, I can’t rely on you guys to supply me with florid descriptions of the Palace. I’ll just have to muddle on through and hope that my meager words are enough to convey the Gay. Let’s take a tour, shall we?

We’ll start out with the Palace grounds. A pink stone wall with an ornamental gate surrounds a lawn the color of PUGGY!!!’s bandana. A series of topiaries dot the lawn, all trimmed into the shape of — wait for it — penises. There are a couple of small decorative ponds with a statue in the center of each. I can’t really see what the statues are, but it would be logical to assume they are sculptures of naked men. Oh, and the gardens are full of flowers, too. But that goes without saying, since they don’t call him the Hates Flowers And Doesn’t Have Any General.

The poisonous rose sits directly above the door, pulsating and emitting reddish pollen like Squally emits pheromones around Seifer. There appears to be only one instead of the numerous roses that various characters mentioned earlier. Pity. PUGGY!!! enters the door — also pink — to find himself in the front hall of the Phallus Palace. I don’t think I need to tell you that the floor and phallic pillars are both pink as well. In between fighting the obligatory random battles, PUGGY!!! makes sure to check out all the side rooms. For Penis Castle décor ideas, of course. He notes the various elaborate golden wallpapers and pink floor tile designs in the different rooms. Christ, it’s like Tingle threw up in here.

In one of the rooms, PUGGY!!! finds something disturbing. No, not a Silent Hill game. First of all, the tiles are gray instead of pink. But that’s not all. A man with a gay mustache and beret stands underneath a painting, and he shares his horrifying plight with PUGGY!!!: “I want to paint as I please. But that man, Milich, took my freedom.” This man, Ivanov, is undoubtedly Milich’s combination sex slave and resident fan artist. Given his appearance and his profession, I’m sure he doesn’t mind painting pictures of naked men, but the point here is that he’s being forced to use his talents for Milich’s specific jollies. And I can only imagine that it involves painting numerous pictures of the Imperial Generals (save for Sonya Shulen) in compromising positions. Ivanov pleads for PUGGY!!! to free him, but it’s kind of difficult given that the stupid game designers didn’t give me a recruiting option here. PUGGY!!! promises that he’ll return to free Ivanov later and to provide him with a safer phallic haven. And lots of gay men as painting models.

In the room opposite from Ivanov, PUGGY!!! finds a painting of Milich as well as a mysterious-looking spot on the floor. He has a choice to make upon viewing the painting: “Milich, too, is a victim…” or “What a creep.” It’s a tough call, but PUGGY!!! decides to go for the kiss-ass option, just on a hunch. Even though Milich is so a creep. For some reason, Milich has set it up so that feeling sorry for him opens the trap door in the floor — complete with pink stairs leading down.

And oh, sweet Jesus, the secret chamber. The floor isn’t pink this time, but the throne at the top of the room is. Plus, the walls are a bright reddish-pink color. And there are phallic pillars and candlesticks. No man could stand in this room for more than two seconds and remain heterosexual. Good thing that isn’t an issue for any of the men in the party. Except for maybe Tai Ho, since I don’t want to think of him as having any sort of sexual preference. Yuck, I just got some mental images.

Holy shit, part 2.

PUGGY!!! pillages the two treasure chests, then heads back upstairs. Even though he kind of wants to sit on that fab pink throne. With nowhere else to explore on the first level, he goes up the next set of stairs to the second floor. Some vases full of pink flowers sit in front of a wall of elaborate windows. Red and pink frilly hangings accent the walls. In one of the rooms, PUGGY!!! finds a set of beds — with pink covers, of course — and sighs wistfully as he misses Gremio. This is so up his alley. Like that.

Holy shit, part 3.

Without bothering to look around at the rest of the place — there’ll be time for that later — PUGGY!!! heads out to the balcony. Mathiu, Bear, Flik, Pahn, Cleo, and Camille follow several feet behind him. Never mind that most of those guys are supposedly in the party, and Mathiu had parked his fat ass in front of the Palace last I checked. And where the fudge did Camille come from? Notice I’m not asking about Tai Ho’s location — that’s because I don’t fucking care.