On his way through the halls, PUGGY!!! encounters one large set of double doors that can only be opened via a lever located on the south side of the doors. This leads to the stairway to the lower level. Or, more accurately, to a stairway leading to a series of hallways and stairs that eventually lead to the lower level. It’s totally drab in this hallway, and the damp, musty air is so not good for PUGGY!!!’s complexion. He’ll have to let Sansuke give him a full facial in the bath later.
Finally, PUGGY!!! reaches the first level of cells. They’re all your standard issue chamber-pot-and-cot type cells, nothing fancy and lace trimmed or anything. I can only further deduce that Milich was not responsible for designing the prison, as I had originally hoped thought. Also, there are no prisoners. I’m sure there is a very sensible reason for this, but I think I’ll let you decide.
Loading ...Past the cells, another staircase leads down into what seems to be a more secure area. Two guards stand in front of a barred gate. I have a hunch we’re getting closer. PUGGY!!! and company take out the guards — who magically multiply to three on the battle screen — with no trouble whatsoever. Lather, rinse, and repeat at the next barred gate. This is the easiest and most boring break-in ever, despite what Bear told me earlier about the supposed high security. Try not to fall asleep, you guys — it gets better.
Two empty cells, each guarded anyway, hold some optional treasure chests. This time, the party must fight five guards in order to obtain the sweet, sweet booty within. I’m talking about the treasure, you guys. Jesus. After retrieving the absolutely essential Half Helmet and Sound Setting 0, PUGGY!!! proceeds to the last cell, where Liukan sits around, twiddling his thumbs. Just a side note — there is a gorgeous green upholstered chair in the corner, obviously furnished by Milich. I am appeased.
‘A McDohl doesn’t kiss and tell, handsome.’
When PUGGY!!! approaches Liukan’s cell, Flik emerges just in time to hear Liukan whine, “Ah, so my time is up. I’m prepared to die. And I won’t miss this world.” PUGGY!!!’s used to Gremio’s drama queenery, but he rolls his eyes anyway. Liukan, for all his supposed pharmaceutical talents, is not observant enough to recognize the two most memorable figures from the group that visited him earlier. I mean, who’s going to forget a guy in a lime green bandana and red shirt or a guy wearing all blue? Not me. Flik is all, “Hello, dumbass, we’re here to break you out.” “You’re…those troublemakers who came to my house,” Liukan einsteins. Christ on a popsicle.
As with all the other cells, PUGGY!!! and Flik open this one easily — with keys they found on the guards, no doubt. Flik and Liukan merge into PUGGY!!! for the trip home. Then, since the Escape Talisman is suspiciously not working, they retrace their steps all the way to the first level. With random battles, of course.
The party passes through the double doors into the room with the control lever, not noticing the conspicuous pastel-clad fop “hiding” in the corner. They only spot him after he operates the lever — and by that, I mean the lever that closes the doors. Cripes, you guys. This triggers some “Shit, we’re fucked in the ass!” music, over which Milich trills, “Oh, we meet again. I dropped by to take a look after hearing that some rats sneaked in, and it turns out to be you.” I’m a little confused as to who told him — PUGGY!!! and the others took out all the guards with the exception of the two at the front door, and if those guys knew that PUGGY!!! was an intruder, then why let him in? I shouldn’t nitpick too hard, though, as this bit of nonsense is small potatoes compared to what’s about to come.
Bear wants to fight it out like men, but that is not Milich’s way. “My, my, how barbarous. I’m not bad with a sword, but right now I’m not in the mood,” he flutters. And we know what he means by “sword,” don’t we? And “in the mood”? Uh-huh. “So I’ll give you this instead,” he continues. He holds up something pixilated that glitters. “Can you see what it is? It’s a bottle,” Milich informs us. I say “us,” because I would hope that the characters could tell it was a fucking bottle. With the sprite graphics, we real people don’t quite have that luxury.
PUGGY!!! is a little bit scared and a little bit excited — what else would Milich Oppenheimer have in a bottle but lube? “This bottle is filled with the Spores of Agony,” Milich explains, deflating PUGGY!!!’s…hopes. Even taking S&M into account, something called Spores of Agony still can’t be anything fun. Milich waxes poetic about these dumb spores for a while before getting to the lowdown: “Did you know that these spores eat humans? Man-eating spores they are.” Redundant, yes. Hilarious, also yes. Hee — “man-eating spores.” I mean, what a shock that Milich would own something that “eats men.”
Speaking of redundant, Milich follows this explanation with, “My my, how barbarous. I’m not bad with a sword, but right now I’m not in the mood. So I’ll give you this instead.” Holy déjà vu, shitty Konami translators. And I’m not shitting you when I say this, but it gets even more ridiculous. To no one’s surprise, Milich throws the bottle of man-eating — *snicker* — spores to the ground, where it breaks. Some yellow smoky shit rises up from the wreckage. “Oh dear, the bottle’s broken. You must hurry, or you’ll be in big trouble,” Milich shrills, standing there. “By the way, that’s a dead end, so there’s not much you can do. Now if you’ll excuse me…” And with that, Milich skedaddles on out the south door, disappearing into thin air. It still gets more ridiculous. Stay with me here.
The door through which Milich left is now locked, and the only other exit is the double doors. “Run! They’ll eat us!” Bear freaks, making me laugh for some reason. Jesus, man-eating spores. Gremio opens the door via the lever, as everyone else runs through. PUGGY!!! falters a bit, but Gremio puts his hand on PUGGY!!!’s ass and pushes him through the door as well. Then he throws the lever again, shutting the double doors and locking himself in with the…man-eating spores.
Christ, Bear, sex is not a race.
I think you can figure out what happens next. The camera pans up so that we can no longer see Gremio. This is not for dramatic tension, but instead because it would be a cold day in hell before the game designers bothered to animate Gremio’s death-by-spores scene. Bear’s all, “Dude, get the fuck out here.” Gremio patiently explains, as if to a three-year-old, that the door can only be operated from inside the room. Bear continues to hassle him, but Gremio is all set on being a martyr, to no one’s surprise, really. He’s been waiting the whole game for this. PUGGY!!! gets to make a “choice” here — “Open the door, Gremio!” or “This is an order, Gremio!” I pick the second one because I figure Gremio kind of gets his jollies from being ordered around by Young Master, and why not humor him during his death scene?
These must be the slowest man-eating spores in the history of the universe. Gremio has time to wax dramatic over PUGGY!!! for a while, to my extreme excitement: “Young master, can you hear me? I’m sorry I can’t protect you any more. …But now that you’ve grown up, you no longer need my protection. Young Master… You make me proud. I wish Master Teo could see you now.” Yes, I’m sure Teo would be absolutely thrilled with him at the moment. Also, hee — “protection.” Gremio finally decides to hurry up and say goodbye now that the spores have eaten out his eyes. And then he keeps going. “Young Master. I’m proud of you. Promise me you’ll always follow your heart. That is my first, and final…request…” And with that, the screen goes black. Holy shit, I think we’ve discovered the one thing in the whole entire world that can shut Gremio up.
Note to spores: Next time go for the mouth before the eyes.
We fade back in on the group still standing right behind the double doors. The camera pans down to the Room of Spores. It looks like the spores gobbled everything up except for Gremio’s green cape and his axe. But his clothing was apparently fair game. Just then, Mathiu, of all people, runs in and opens the door. He’s all, “Jesus Christ, where were you? I brought the entire fricking army to save your ass.” He also wonders where all the “Imperial forces” are. And by that, he must mean the two guards at the front entrance. “They must have been devoured by the man-eating spores,” Bear decides. Mathiu giggles a bit until he realizes that Bear is serious — there really were man-eating spores involved.
Bear frantically gestures with his head toward PUGGY!!!, all, “Hello! Dude’s gay lover died. Let’s get him out of here.” The group merges back into PUGGY!!!, who then starts to follow Mathiu out the door. As PUGGY!!! passes Gremio’s cloak and axe, he suddenly loses it and turns back to have a Moment of Wankst, complete with falling to his knees. “………” is all he says, give or take a few periods. Poor PUGGY!!!. Sure, he has a castle full of men, but Gremio was all trained in on pleasing him and stuff.
PUGGY!!!’s all set to leave Gremio’s shit behind, even though that lime green cloak is fabulous. But for some reason Bear decides it’s important to retrieve it. And not because he’s going to do something tacky like roleplay Gremio in the bedroom for PUGGY!!!. In fact, this does actually have Deeper Meaning, but we’ll have to wait until much later to find out how. Fade out.
With that scene over, it’s time to play the How Many Things Were Wrong With That Scene? game. First of all, this isn’t anything wrong per se, but man-eating spores — what the hell? I realize that you can’t always have the typical weapon-related death scenes and sometimes you need to be creative, but seriously. Man-eating spores. Man. Eating. Spores. Dude.
Second, these spores were strong enough to kill the “Imperial forces” at the front doors from within that little room, either by a) winding through the hallways and passing through the many doors along the way, or b) passing through the outer walls of the prison somehow. Yet these magical spores can’t travel through a set of lever-controlled doors. And it’s not like the party went and hid way down in the dungeon — they stood right behind the doors the entire time, not five feet from the stupid spores. Clearly these Protective Double Doors of Wizardry explain why Gremio’s death was necessary and why the entire party didn’t just go hide out in Liukan’s cell or something.
And again — why did the spores chow down on everything but Gremio’s cloak and weapons? I can’t even make that make sense.
Frickin’ man-eating spores.