PUGGY!!! talks to the guy outside of Jabba’s shop again, who happens to remember that the object which so stumped Jabba’s appraisal skills was the creatively-named Nameless Urn. That’s nice to know, but it doesn’t really tell me a lot about how to find the fucking urn. Luckily, PUGGY!!! consults his old buddy the True Rune of Strategy again and finds out that the some of the pretty young holly fairies outside the town have possession of an urn of this persuasion. This means that PUGGY!!! has to spend the next twelve and a half minutes fighting random battles outside the town until one of those assholes drops a stupid urn. Sure, ogling the tunic-and-tights-clad bodies of the fairies is fun, but fending off their bitchy attacks gets old fast. Particularly when all of the party’s money has gone into beefing up Pahn, so everyone has shitty armor and weapons. This causes a little bit of friction within the party. Feel free to write a fanfic about it.

Are you going to throw them at the enemy or something?

Back in Rikon, PUGGY!!! enters the appraisal shop with the Nameless Urn in his possession. Let’s not even get into the paradox of something named the “nameless” something. To PUGGY!!!’s surprise, the appraiser is not an obese naked slug monster, but instead, an elderly bespectacled gentleman. Jabba the Appraiser introduces himself, then says, “If you can find something I can’t appraise, I’ll do anything you ask.” Well, now. This could be interesting. We’ve already covered that PUGGY!!!’s not really into old guys, but cripes, what an offer. PUGGY!!! smugly holds forth the Nameless Urn — or he would if there was any animation here — causing Jabba to stammer for a while. “I…I give up. This is most certainly a precious item,” he duhs, like those fab holly fairies are going to be carrying around shitty decorative items. “I can’t believe there exists an urn that I’m unable to appraise,” he sighs, forcibly sodomizing the continuity fairy. It’s not just his crappy memory I find rather unbelievable — I mean, the guy could have Alzheimer’s. I’m more baffled by the fact that the creatures that drop these stupid urns hang out right in Jabba’s backyard, and yet only two people have ever brought him one. Oh, wait, I suppose that could be attributable to Alzheimer’s, too. But then how could he remember all the other appraisable items? I think it’s time for some fanwanking.

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Jabba concedes that he is at PUGGY!!!’s mercy, so he reiterates he’ll do anything — and he means anything — that PUGGY!!! asks. Unfortunately, the game only gives me two options: recruit or ask for money. Or maybe that’s fortunate, since I don’t really want to see Jabba providing PUGGY!!! with sexual favors. Though some money might help ease some of the party’s Pahn-fueled bitterness, PUGGY!!! knows what he has to do. So as quick as that, the Lubrication Army has its very own appraiser. There’s no way we can’t win the war.

Since PUGGY!!! hasn’t received much helpful information from Rikon’s NPCs regarding finding Liukan the pharmacist, it’s time to take matters into his own hands. There just so happens to be an unoccupied boat at Rikon’s dock. As PUGGY!!! arrived via teleportation, this can’t be his boat. That doesn’t stop him from hijacking it anyway, as he is the almighty leader of the Lubrication Army with all the perks that entails.

While the stupid NPCs in the towns were stingy dickholes, at least there’s a flashing dot to the south along the river that marks Liukan’s secret lair. It must not be that hidden if a gay young man in a pageboy cut and culottes managed to find it and mark it on his map, but I’m just going by what the game told me.

PUGGY!!! sails for what seems like forever, until oh noes! — he encounters a ginormous whirlpool just downstream from Liukan’s tiny hut. As the boat tries to enter, a text box pops up that simply reads “rapids”. No, that’s a whirlpool. I suppose consuming a large amount of illicit substances might blur the lines between different kinds of moving water. Or maybe the translation just sucks. It’s kind of a toss-up, really. Either way, PUGGY!!! is not getting through this thing in his current stolen boat.

Where?

PUGGY!!! retraces his…uh…steps back to Rikon. As he disembarks, the other five sprites all emerge for a little conversation. Bear’s all, “Well, shit guys, we’re fucked. Any suggestions?” “We can’t do this with an ordinary boat,” Gremio contributes. No, seriously, that’s actually a contribution — the solution is to obtain a less crappy boat. Hopefully via legal means.

You know, it would have been nice if any of the completely useless assholes around the town bothered to warn PUGGY!!! about the whirlpool. I kind of expect my NPCs to be up to date on all the rumors and goings-on in their immediate area and to update their knowledge based on the events in the game’s plot. I don’t think that’s asking too much. But noooo.

Perhaps I am being unnecessarily critical. Though I tried to be thorough in my information gathering, there are two houses I missed in Teien. For all I know, the occupants may have offered information such as, “Hey, asshole, there is a Big Fucking Whirlpool upstream and that shitty little boat in Rikon won’t cut it.” Of course, that wouldn’t have helped me much, since the game still would have forced me to make the trip, but I wanted to cover my ass in case some crazed Suikoden fanperson with all the dialogue memorized was in the mood for sending correction e-mails.

Speaking of these houses, PUGGY!!!’s solution lies within. In the leftmost house, a non-hot, small-pupiled guy with what looks like a mullet responds to their break-in thusly: “Who the hell are you? [Lubrication] Army? Never heard of ya. I’ve no interest in such things.” PUGGY!!! blinks a couple of times. Here’s a dude who has not only not heard of the famous Lubrication Army, but also isn’t interested in their sexy activities? Well, there’s a surprise. The dude’s name is Gen, and while penises don’t interest him, boats sure do. So it’s kind of a displacement type thing. “I’ll take on any job as long as it’s worthy of my skills,” he says.

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Well, it’s a good thing Gen supposedly isn’t into the gay buttsex, as PUGGY!!! wouldn’t be interested in those skills anyway. I mean, look at the guy. But PUGGY!!! would like him to build a boat “that can beat the rapids.” It looks like everyone in the entire Suikoden universe considers the whirlpool rapids, as Gen refers to it as “The Rapids of Dunan.” Whatever. Jeanne don’t play that.

Gen decides to take on this challenge, but he’ll need some help. “An ordinary boat will never make it,” he duhs. PUGGY!!! tries to look nonchalant, unwilling to admit that he already tried this and failed. Even though he doesn’t really care what this ugly mullethead thinks of him. Gen wants to get his next door neighbor, “Old Kamandol,” to help them out. For some reason, the game decides that Gen has to join my active party in order to do this. Bye, Cleo.

Ten feet away at the exterior of Kamandol’s house, the five sprites emerge again. “Look at this sign here. The old geezer thinks he’s a big shot,” Gen remarks. PUGGY!!! pretends to know what he’s talking about since he didn’t bother to examine the house earlier and has no clue what this supposedly immodest sign says. Gen pounds on the door and screams at Kamandol to get his wrinkled old ass out of the house. Kamandol does. “You again! I told you not to disturb my experiments!” Kamandol — another not hot guy with a goatee and monocle — snits. It’s clear these two have one of those comedic contentious relationships, so get ready for some wacky hijinks!

Like you’re one to talk, you slit-pupiled, mulleted freak.

The two of them bicker for a while like old gay lovers, causing PUGGY!!! to be skeptical about Gen’s purported lack of interest in the Lubrication Army. Kamandol still wants to believe that he’s a young, sexy man — even though he probably never was — so he gets pissy every time Gen calls him old. Speaking of pissy, Gremio practically pops a blood vessel when Kamandol refers to the group as delinquents. “D-Delinquents! Don’t you dare insult Young Master,” Gremio shrieks, close to slapping Kamandol across his ugly mug. “I can understand such language for [Bear],” Gremio concedes, not letting an opportunity pass to take a dig at the guy who is attempting to supplant him in PUGGY!!!’s heart and bed.

Bear doesn’t get much of a chance to defend himself before Gen and Kamandol advance the plot. When Gen asks Kamandol if he knows of a way to navigate the Whirlpool of Dunan — complete with as many age-related insults as he can cram into the question — Kamandol responds, “I can do anything…depending on time and money.” PUGGY!!! imagines that these words were uttered by a much prettier man, and loses himself in a fantasy for a moment. Not that he’s really into paying for sexual favors, but that’s why it’s a fantasy.

Flik manages to deduce from this conversation that it is, in fact, possible to get past the whirlpool. He’s a quick one. Kamandol affirms this and invites them inside to show them how it can be done. It might be logical at this point to expect a demonstration on various ways to accomplish this fantastical feat. Like maybe with diagrams or something. But no, Kamandol has the contraption already built. That was fucking convenient. The back half of his tiny shack consists of a laboratory, where a huge gray technological-type thing with a phallic pipe sticking out the top takes up most of the space.

“Look at this. This will get you over the [whirlpool],” Kamandol informs them. PUGGY!!!, after seeing the aforementioned phallic pipe, is a little bit disappointed that it’s not for some other purpose. “It’s a machine that moves by burning oil,” Kamandol explains when Gremio wonders what the fuck it is. So it’s an engine created by some medieval scientist guy. Sure.

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We get the requisite humorous comments about how something like that is “ridiculous,” but Bear manages to cut to the chase. “So if you attach this to a boat, you can travel upstream?” he wonders. Bear must be smoking crack, because if Liukan’s hut is upstream from the whirlpool, they’ve already been traveling upstream. However, Kamandol tells him yes, so I don’t really know what the fuck is going on. “OK, then let’s take this to…P-Plummy Lamar? Prommy Lamb? Pramyam Lobby?” Gen struggles with the gay French name of Premier L’Amour. PUGGY!!! just shakes his head — one more reason this guy would not be a good bedroom companion. PUGGY!!! likes guys who will whisper sweet French nothings in his ear.