Speaking of not caring, Sylvina also randomly runs onscreen and stands next to Mathiu. In the Aurikku category of fangirls, that means the two of them are doing it. Yeah, right, we all know who Mathiu “trained.” And I’m not talking about Apple. Linkolas thanks PUGGY!!! for putting up with him helping him almost save his village. Now that this whole Evil Kwanzaa subplot is over and done with, Linkolas can be on his way, right? Right? Well, maybe if stupid Gremio didn’t open his big, Elven-fetish yap and ask Linkolas what he’s going to do with all his newfound free time. Damn it.

‘I’m going to Disneyworld!’

Well of course Linkolas isn’t going to pass up the chance to stay in a castle full of pretty young men. Citing some lame “my war isn’t over yet even though it totally is” excuse, he asks to join the Liberation Army. And that’s Sylvina’s clueless cue to join up as well, because she would wither up and die if she couldn’t be with her disinterested man at all times. Stallion randomly runs onscreen to desperately offer his “talents” to the Liberation Army as well. And yes, I’m talking about his nose again. It never gets old. So that’s three for three useless Elves — a whiny dumbass, a dimwitted beard, and the Elven equivalent of that sad person who always tries to be a part of your group even though he smells bad and he cracks lame jokes all the time. Three cheers for the Liberation Army!

The great thing is that Linkolas tries to refuse Sylvina’s entry into the army. “It could be dangerous,” he lies. “No. I’m staying with you forever, [Linkolas],” Sylvina says, a hint of menace underlying her high-pitched voice, as she inches one step closer to “crazed obsessive stalker.” “I’ll join too,” Stallion tries again, but everyone just ignores him. No one likes you, Stallion. Gremio lets out a long string of frustrated ellipses. He was trying to get some hawt Linkolas action, and got stuck with two unwanted losers. Although you know what they say about guys with big noses…

But the army just isn’t crappy enough yet. If they keep on winning all these battles, people might think they’re all intimidating and stuff! Good thing Kuromimi also expresses interest in joining PUGGY!!!’s army. “Everybody fix, but country still sickness,” he incoherently babbles. That sounds like something Bush might say. Please address all political joke-related complaints to crycrycry@videogamerecaps.com.

Last, but certainly not least, Valeria offers herself to PUGGY!!!. Well, she certainly doesn’t fit the “homosexual male and/or crappy fighter” demographic of the rest of the army, and her little “please let me join” speech falsely called the Elven village incident a “tragedy,” but what the heck. She has a sword, and swords are cool.

Then Mathiu has the best line ever: “Commander PUGGY!!!, this battle has made you a man.” Whoa. WHOA. They cut out a scene somewhere. So that’s why Gremio has such a satisfied look on his little spritely face. “So many people are willing to join you,” Mathiu says, ignoring the “quality over quantity” concept. He expresses an urge to return to Penis Castle, and you can bet the rest of the young men are feeling it too. Aw yeah.

Hooray for teleportation! PUGGY!!! ends up at the front gates of his beloved schlong, only for the Black Screen of Passing Time to join up with the Random Text God, informing us that three months of rampant gay orgies and assorted other debaucheries have taken place since Kwanzaa’s defeat. In that time, PUGGY!!! has acquired a much, much bigger room than that jerk Lepant could ever dream of. Sure, he’s still a little sad over losing that fabulous tower, but you could only fit, like, five guys in there, tops.

PUGGY!!! passes Gremio, who stands watch right outside the door (I think we all know what he’s watching for), and heads to the main shaft of the castle. In the strategy chamber or whatever it’s called — it’s the place where most of the events are triggered — PUGGY!!! finds an angry Flik confronting his boyfriend Bear in front of Humphrey and Dirty Sanchez. “Why isn’t Odessa here?!” Flik screeches. “This is the new Liberation Army’s headquarters, right?! After our hideout was attacked, I managed to round up the scattered remnants of the army, and we finally found our way here, to this mystery! What the hell’s going on?!” The extra punctuation means that he’s mad.

Now here’s where I’m confused. Flik just got to Penis Castle, right? So it took Flik three extra months to round up his third of the original members and find Penis Castle? The giant phallic castle in the middle of the lake that everyone knows belongs to the Liberation Army?

 Loading ...

Flik notices PUGGY!!! then — I think it’s the flamboyant outfit — and proceeds to give him the same third-degree treatment. Just as Bear starts to give Flik an answer, Mathiu enters the room and takes everything into his capable hands. “Hey! Who is this guy?!” Flik demands. “Um, I’m your love interest’s brother, dumbass,” Mathiu responds. And by “love interest,” I mean Odessa, the scripted love interest for Flik. Mathiu calmly explains that his sister bit the dust, making Bear upset (he doesn’t want to see his Flikky-Wikky cry!) and causing Humphrey to shriek, “………!” Get a hold of yourself, Humphrey. Freaking drama queen.

No, he’s some other guy in all blue.

Dirty Sanchez is shocked as well, even though he heard that Odessa was missing. Mathiu suddenly asks PUGGY!!! if it’s okay to tell them what’s going on. Well, it’s a little too fucking late to be asking that, but PUGGY!!! gives him the go-ahead anyway. The pressure of keeping this secret was seriously starting to get to him. When he bothered to think about it, anyway. I mean, those orgies tend to keep a man busy.

So Mathiu tells the sordid tale as we already know it. Flik throws a total hissy at Bear for not protecting his woman. You know, I’m a little confused here. I mean, it’s obvious to…well, pretty much everyone that Flik and Bear are totally doing it. Constantly. Like rabbits. However, it’s kind of hard to deny that Flik is into Odessa and that Bear is (SPOILER!!!!!!) into Anabelle. As a recapper, I’ve been trying to decide whether the women are beards of epic proportions or if Flik and Bear are bisexual. I would lean toward the latter, but I don’t know. Men having sex with women….that’s just weird. But okay, bisexual it is, until I decide otherwise. Just another note — Bear is not the bottom. So sayeth VGR canon.

So anyway, now we have Bear torn between guilt at failing to protect his man’s woman and jealousy that he is not the only one to sample Flik’s sweet, sweet, man candy. “Odessa was thinking of the future of the Liberation Army right until her last breath,” Mathiu pulls out of his ass. “I see. And I suppose PUGGY!!! took over the leadership,” Flik snots, all bitter because of his penis issues he derives his self-esteem from his nonexistent fame and renown. Mathiu responds in the affirmative. Flik goes completely haywire, wondering if Humphrey and Dirty Sanchez are going to stand for this. I mean, Flik kind of has a point — here are all these people who have worked with Odessa for a long time, and this random kid comes along, the son of an Imperial General, no less, and gets to be the big cheese. I’d be pissed, too. On the other hand, it’s not like Odessa had a ton of leadership talent to choose from, here — it’s pretty much a dice roll either way.

Humphrey actually speaks up (!), mentioning that he thinks PUGGY!!! is doing a fine, fine job with the nightly orgies. He doesn’t point out that Odessa never defeated any Imperial Generals, and her idea of a hideout was a sewer, rather than a giant, impressive wang. But he totally could. Dirty Sanchez reminds Flik that he came to Penis Castle for a reason. “Yeah, for a reason. To be shared with Odessa, not you, PUGGY!!!” Flik snits. Oh, I’m sure he could be convinced to share it with PUGGY!!!, if you know what I’m saying. Uh huh. Flik announces that he will stay at the dinky inn in Kaku, rather than availing himself of the male-themed hospitality of the Penis, totally working the martyr act to the max. He tries again, unsuccessfully, to get Humphrey and Dirty Sanchez to follow him, with the assholish, “You guys don’t want to be with these scum, do you?!” He runs his blue ass out of the room like one of those forum drama queens with their huge “I’M LEAVING!!!!” posts. And like them, he’ll be back, just you wait.

Dirty Sanchez apologizes for his dickwad friend, using Odessa’s death to excuse Flik’s behavior. “He’s not usually like that,” Dirty Sanchez finishes lamely. Good, because that could get a mite irritating. “I must have a good long talk with Flik,” Bear says with a wink. He mentions that Flik was the Vice-Commander of the Liberation Army, which gives a little more validity to Flik’s pissed-offness. Still, it’s not like it’s PUGGY!!!’s damn fault Odessa screwed Flik over, so quit being such an assnozzle, Flik.

Truer words were never spoken.

Mathiu’s all concerned with getting Flik and his followers on their side because he’s still stuck on that whole “quantity over quality” bullshit. So Bear joins up with PUGGY!!! in order to…do a little persuading. I like where this is going. Before heading to Kaku to engage in the Buttsex-a-thon, however, PUGGY!!! has to fulfill his uncontrollable recruiting urge. He visits Viki in the basement to use her super-awesome teleportation skills. Yeah, imagine that — a woman who is useful to PUGGY!!!. Unfortunately, PUGGY!!! has no way to teleport back to Penis Castle at the moment, but this is a start.

Destination: Kouan, the home of that tower-stealing Lepant. The last time PUGGY!!! stopped in the inn, he met Lorelai, a badass chick who deemed him a wuss. Well, PUGGY!!! has now achieved the level necessary to impress her, which is somewhere around L. 25. So as simple as that, she’s out the door and heading straight toward the penis.

By this time, Bear is chomping at the bit to “talk” to Flik, so off to Kaku they go. Heh, “Kaku.” Flik totally lied about staying in the inn, by the way — he’s commandeered a dinky house overlooking Penis Lake. PUGGY!!! pushes past the jackwad guards and heads into Flik’s inner sanctum. Without lube. Flik says right away that he was expecting them. Cue porno guitar. Bear tries to talk business, apologizing again for Odessa’s death, but Flik brushes right past that. “Odessa used to say to me, ‘You should be more aware of your position as a leader.’ Those words are coming back to haunt me,” Flik says. Bear just hears something about positions, and everything else is lost on him. Flik figures that Odessa predicted her own death, and that she thought he was spending too much time having the gay buttsex and not enough time doing army leadership crap. Clearly she was wrong, as gay buttsex is what the Liberation Army is about.

“I was so enraged at her death that I completely forget what I came here for,” Flik mentions, also forgetting about correct verb tenses. Also, since when did he forget about his mission? He just said he didn’t want to share it with PUGGY!!!. Nice try, Flik. The Boy in Blue has decided that while he can’t accept PUGGY!!! as a leader just yet, he’s more than willing to engage in dirty acts with him. Well, at least that’s what I think he means by “join forces.” It could be that army stuff again. Whatever. PUGGY!!! agrees wholeheartedly, because the more the merrier when it comes to pretty guys. Flik immediately announces that he will be bringing his men to “the castle in the lake.” It’s called Penis Castle, Flik. Penis Castle.

PENIS!

As soon as Flik makes his hasty exit, Bear tries to be all casual about wanting to head to Penis Castle as well. Uh huh. PUGGY!!! takes the very next boat and makes his way into the Plot Furthering Chamber. “Commander PUGGY!!!, Flik would like a word with you,” Mathiu innuendoes. Unfortunately, this is literal. Flik wants to talk about boring army shit. Sigh.

According to Flik, when the sewer hideout was attacked three or so months ago, he fled to the west, where Milich the Flower General holds sway over the fairies and unicorns. “Milich…You mean Milich Oppenheimer, one of the Five Great Imperial Generals,” Dirty Sanchez duhs. No, he means the other Milich, the apprentice in the armor shop. Jesus, Sanchez. Flik was rounding up the scattered Liberation Army members that Humphrey and Dirty Sanchez hadn’t collected, when there was a “crackdown” on rebels and a whole bunch of people were captured. As opposed to all those other times when rebels were allowed to roam free. “That was when I heard about a revived Liberation Army and came here,” Flik says. Since I’ve said my piece on Flik being a huge clueless moron, we’ll just skip right to the gist of all of this: Flik wants to unite forces and bring down the Flower General. PUGGY!!! perks up at the thought of adding the Flower General to his collection. In homosexual terms, he’s practically the equivalent of a Mewtwo.

Flik’s straggler army apparently adds enough extra troops to bring the Flower General to his knees. Figuratively. But first, they must break through the Fortress of Garan to the west. “Commander PUGGY!!!, what do you think?” Mathiu inquires. PUGGY!!! has been burned too many times to fall for that again, so he gives Mathiu the answer he wants to hear. “Yes sir!” Mathiu says mockingly, pretending that PUGGY!!! is in charge. Ass.