With that irritating business finished, Linkolas finds himself face-to-face with the village chief. I’m kind of tired of referring to him as the village chief, so let’s just call him Celebrieliethilin…..er, Tom. Tom demands to know why this little whippersnapper left without his permission. Linkolas comes clean about his mission, explaining, “There are humans who are fighting the Empire too. I left to get help from the Liberation Army as they call themselves, to protect the Village of the Elves.” You see, Linkolas is the open-minded and forward-thinking elf who will defy his people for the good of the world. We’ve never seen this character before.
Tom gets his panties in a knot over this presumptuousness. He talks out his ass about the legendary strength of the elves and the wussiness of the humans. This is so that we don’t accidentally think that elves like humans. That’s the opposite of what they’re going for here. Tom makes sure to ironically exposit about how, yeah, Kwanzaa was kicking their asses at one time, but the elves beat him down and now Kwanzaa and his men “have been behaving themselves recently.” Whew, all those rumors must be false then. Thank God that was cleared up. End of subplot. For his insolence, Linkolas finds himself in the dungeon along with his “filthy humans” and Valeria. Jesus, these bastards will throw people in the dungeon for cutting their food wrong.
Sylvina is all, “What? Why? Why? Grandpa, why are you arresting [Linkolas]?” This causes Linkolas to give a huge sigh of relief that he will be in a cell with a bunch of other young men and away from this nitwit. The lesser of two evils, as they say. In addition to Valeria, the dungeon contains a speedy elf with long blue hair and a rather phallic nose. His name, undoubtedly derived from the magnificence of said nose, is Stallion. He taunts Linkolas for being a huge wuss and running away when the Imperials attacked. I think he must be referring to the previous problems with Kwanzaa, before he became meek as a lamb. Because they have not had any recent problems with Kwanzaa. Stallion makes sure to brag about his one supposed asset (his running speed, not his nose) while talking about how he, like Linkolas, turned tail and ran. So he did the same thing as Linkolas, but because he’s fast, that makes him cool? Whatever. Ass.
‘Because he’s gay.’
The party talks to Valeria, over in the corner. Gremio uses his Powers of the Obvious for good, as he notes that Valeria is wearing an Imperial uniform. Hey, I can’t fucking tell. She whines that she betrayed her country in order to save these ungrateful elves, and this is the thanks she gets. “How stubborn these elves are. They refuse to believe what I know,” she says. Linkolas wants to know what she knows. DURRRRRR! “Oh, that. The man in charge of this region is the Great General [Kwanzaa] Rosman,” she says, introducing yet another contender to the Obvious Throne. She goes on to say that Kwanzaa has ordered an extremely deadly weapon called the Burning Mirror that will — as has been stated fifty damn times already — kill off the elves. However, Valeria has no idea what this weapon will do, although her very next statement is about how it can supposedly “burn down an entire forest in an instant.” Something called the Burning Mirror can burn stuff? No! “I wanted to warn the elves of this danger, so they could prevent the Burning Mirror’s completion,” Valeria continues, causing the room to grow thick with duh. Gremio and Linkolas are no match for her power! “And before you knew it, you were in this prison,” Gremio finishes, snatching away her victory. Pardon me while I mix myself up something strong.
In the meantime, I wonder where exactly Linkolas found out this information originally. We know that he knew about Kwanzaa’s evil plan before he took off, but then how did he know when the rest of the village doesn’t? And why didn’t he know about the Burning Mirror if he knew that much other information? No, I’m doing it again. I’m assuming that the game designers put actual thought into this, and you know what happens when you assume.
Soon, PUGGY!!! and company hear a creak on the steps. And no, I’m not making up that sound — the text box specifically says “creak.” So I don’t know, maybe someone said “creak.” Either way, someone is walking down the stairs. To Linkolas’s dismay, it’s his clingy beard. Foiled again! She risked the wrath of her meanie grandpa to sneak down to see Linkolas, and now she wants some aaaaaaanswers. “Tell me, [Linkolas], why are you so hung up on humans? Humans act big, yet they’re dead after only 50 years or so. Why bother with such lowly creatures?” You mean elves live a long time? What will they think of next? Gremio lets out a shriek, offended to the core at this little hussy. “Dead after only 50 years or so? What an awful thing to say,” he lisps. I like how he takes offense at that dumb statement, rather than at the “act big” or “lowly creatures” part.
‘Are you gay?’
Linkolas takes this opportunity to point out how humans, elves, and dwarves hate each other, yet really aren’t that different after all. He’s this close to saying, “Can’t we all just get along” and having a PSA banner pop up over his head. Oh, then he does say, “Why can’t we get along?” I called it! Wait, that makes me sad. Although Linkolas has poured his bleeding liberal heart out to his beard, she just can’t understand why he feels that way. “But…but…I’ll believe you. I’ll believe whatever you believe. I’ll do my best to believe.” Honey, he’s not going to fuck you.
In her last bit of desperation, Sylvina opens the cell and allows Linkolas to go free. Stallion pushes his way out first, running in triple-speed up the stairs, all “Ha ha, suckas!” Gremio makes a shocked remark, thinking that this guy is probably just as quick in the sack, and that’s no good. “[Linkolas], you run too. You can’t run that fast, of course…” Sylvina squeaks. This little dig shows that on some level, Sylvina knows about her “boyfriend’s” preferences and is quite bitter, although she’s still willing to delude herself most of the time.
Loading ...Linkolas the Brave and Noble refuses to run away. By gum, he’s gonna fight those mean Imperials, and he has a PLAN. Valeria perks up at this. “Master PUGGY!!!, northeast of this village is the Village of the Dwarves,” Linkolas explains. Wow, they’re three for three on these village names here. Linkolas proposes that they try to get the dwarves’ help. Because getting the different races to work together has been extremely successful so far. But Linkolas is obviously a glutton for punishment. And maybe he’ll find a studly dwarf with whom he can spend the rest of his days. Valeria is totally into this plan, not having learned her lesson either. Well, it’s not like she’ll bring down the average IQ of the party. “If we don’t hurry, there’ll be a disaster. We must prevent the Burning Mirror from being completed.” Hey, I know what’s going on now! Thanks, Valeria!
Sylvina warns Linkolas that dwarves eat elves. Politically correct elf that he is, he tells Sylvina not to spread such bigoted stereotypes. As PUGGY!!! heads toward the stairs, he notices that Valeria is still standing in the cell. Confused, he goes back to talk to her. She mutters something about not wasting time…then continues to stand there. Okay. PUGGY!!! shrugs and then leaves her behind to rot in the cell. Apparently, she’s all talk. It’s just as well, since he doesn’t need yet another female in the party.
Making his way out through the now-conveniently-empty house of the elder, PUGGY!!! manages to not get caught, even by all the NPCs milling throughout the town. Clearly the elves are superior when it comes to homeland defense. I’m just as glad I don’t have to fight any stupid battles, so I won’t complain any further. No sooner does PUGGY!!! reach the base of the tree than Valeria and Sylvina come running out to catch him. Valeria insists upon coming along, in spite of not seeming in any big rush thirty seconds ago. But PUGGY!!! can’t say no, as Valeria forces her way into the party. PUGGY!!! must get rid of one of his existing members, and this is a no-brainer — he kicks Cleo out on her butt. One girl in the party is more than enough.
For some reason, Linkolas feels guilty enough to invite Sylvina along. Gremio bristles. Sylvina turns down the offer, thank God. The party is moronic enough as it is. I’m quite surprised she refused, as she definitely has that Rinoa vibe going on. Maybe Gremio’s icy glare scared her off. Either way, Linkolas promises Sylvina that he’ll return. “I’ll never make you feel sad again,” he wanks, like he isn’t going to be in Gremio’s bedroll two minutes after leaving the village. “It’s a promise,” Sylvina squeals obliviously. Linkolas leans forward to plant a very strained and awkward kiss on her cheek before running back to PUGGY!!! as fast as his tights-clad legs will carry him.
Reaching the Village of the Dwarves is not as easy as simply walking north. The party has to pass through another “dungeon” type area, this one called the Dwarf Trail. Yeah, I know. This one leads up over the mountains, via a path surrounded by beautiful evergreens. The path resembles a trail of vomit, both in texture and color. This would make sense if the background music were James Arnold Taylor singing about sex. Just as that mental image makes me want to add to the onscreen puke, PUGGY!!! reaches a sheer rock wall complete with rope ladders. It’s the mountain. Hey, I’m Captain Obvious, too! Now that they’re in dwarf country, they encounter numerous savage dwarves, who defy all fantasy stereotypes by wearing horned helmets and wielding axes in battle. The less said about the bare legs, the better.
BLEARGHERGHARGH
After traversing almost the entire damn mountain, PUGGY!!! and friends encounter the spastic kobold, Kuromimi, yet again. He’s on his way back from the Village of the Dwarves, where those meanies refused to give him the secret cure for the kobolds’ sickness. He’s determined to go around irritating the fuck out of people until they give him the cure to shut him up. Oh, and he’s still pissed at PUGGY!!! and the others for some retarded reason. Hey, all those kobolds attacked them. Get over it, Kurowankwank. He promises to kick their asses later, but he’s too busy right now. Right. Busy.
PUGGY!!! finds a save crystal, and sighs heavily as he realizes that he’s overdue for a boss battle. Sure, the save crystal in the elven village didn’t end up leading to a boss, and while I’m speaking of that, why was there a save point when there was also a perfectly good inn in the village? It’s not like anything is going to happen to the inn, right? The second save point must be merely a convenient coincidence.
The ground turns to stone tiles, probably because we’re nearing the dwarven village and dwarves work with stone. Strangely enough, the save point leads to nothing. I feel strangely uneasy. I…just don’t know how to handle it when they throw convention out the window. The path just ends, and PUGGY!!! traverses a short distance on the overworld map to a village. The Village of the Dwarves. See, I did it again.
The village itself is more technologically advanced than any village thus far. There’s a windmill and some pipes, and the houses look ornately carved from stone and metal. This is completely different from the organic elf village, to demonstrate that the elves and dwarves don’t have much in common. If only there were other differences between them, because they’re so similar, even the different lifestyles can’t set them apart.
I’m lying out my ass, obviously. The dwarves are short, bearded, and ugly, unlike the tall, pretty, girlish elves. See the contrast? Also, the women all have beards. Either that, or there are no dwarven women. Yeah, I could see that. This is Suikoden after all.
PUGGY!!! takes a stroll around the city, in no major hurry. Thankfully, he doesn’t get thrown into a cell. Sure, the dwarves don’t seem crazy about humans, but they’re not as fucking psycho as those stick-up-the-ass elves. Anyway, PUGGY!!! finds a new recruit in the blacksmith shop — yet another blacksmith, this one named Meese. He wears the same tunic and floppy gay hat as Maas — both green instead of blue — and his name matches, too. Get it? Since his butt buddy Maas has joined the Liberation Army, Meese figures he can get some action at Penis Castle. So he throws away his spiffy apprenticeship with the dwarves in order to play “hide the sausage.” Hey, he’s been around short, hairy men for a while. Can you blame him?