Strangely, Tai Ho isn’t talking about their boat. He mentions an “old friend” named Kun To who lives in Kirov who might be able to lend them a hand. Or a boat. Also, I can’t be the only one who has to suppress a snicker upon reading the name “Kun To.” Cunto it is! Mose says he’ll join them in Kirov after he finishes gathering his porn collection. Actually, he just mentions “preparations,” so I’m just filling in the obvious blanks.

The text box and “Pokeball, Go!” music inform me that PUGGY!!! received the Fire Spears. Okay, when no one argued with Tai Ho’s boat idea, I figured that there must be some obvious reason (to everyone but me) why their super duper speed boat couldn’t transport the spears. Like it was too dinky to fit six people plus enough Fire Spears to defeat Teo’s army. But if the six of them can carry all those Fire Spears to Kirov, why is their boat a problem? Unless “Received Fire Spears” was meant in a metaphorical sense, like PUGGY!!! has received the Fire Spears in spirit, but not physically just yet. This is deep stuff.

We have plenty more shit that will confuse the crap out of me before the recap is over, so let’s just move on to Kirov.

PUGGY!!! heads into the opulent (by Kirov terms) building where he met Lester for the first time. Apparently Cunto lives here, despite Tai Ho not bothering to point this out earlier. Cunto — another grotesque gargoyle of a man — greets them with a polite, “Who the hell are you people?” He either doesn’t recognize Tai Ho or, more likely, he’s trying to pretend he doesn’t know him. Tai Ho’s all, “Dude, it’s me.” Cunto has to drop the charade. It’s established through some riveting dialogue that the two buddies (I refuse to read anything further into this — I’ve hit my ick limit with Gen and Kamandol) have not seen each other for a while. “Have you decided to join up with me again?” Cunto wonders, again platonically. It’s a complete mystery to me why they went with the same romantic and nostalgic guitar theme that plays in the background of the McDohl House of Man Love. I want it to remain a mystery.

Tai Ho turns down this proposition, and once he establishes that Cunto still “make[s] a living with boats” not that that’s at all vague, he asks to borrow ten boats. Ah, I see. I was confused because when Mose mentioned “a boat” as necessary for transporting the Fire Spears, I automatically jumped to the conclusion that he meant a single boat. The characters in the game, all of whom are familiar with the unique Suikoden Dialect, knew right away that “a boat” actually means “multiple boats.” Clearly I am the ignorant one.

Cunto considers this. He refers to Tai Ho’s “dirty work” of the past — I know I’m shocked that Tai Ho would be involved with anything illegal — and expresses reluctance to risk his own ass. I’m 99% convinced that I’m going to have to take part in some inane subplot where PUGGY!!! ends up helping Cunto with something or other and as soon as Cunto realizes what a fine person PUGGY!!! is, he’ll finally agree to lend them his boats and join the Lubrication Army. Call it pattern recognition. Luckily, Tai Ho saves the day. I can’t believe I just typed that — do I have to kill myself now? Anyway, it seems he’s already taken care of some random favor in the past, preventing PUGGY!!! from having to do so now. Because of this, Cunto lends them the boats with no further sub- or fetch quests necessary. Jackpot! Also, Cunto joins the Lubrication Army, not that anyone actually invited him.

Cut to the Kirov docks where in a strange moment of effort, the game designers animated Ronnie Bell running back and forth, packing Fire Spears into several boats. Mose, PUGGY!!!, and Tai Ho stand around with their thumbs up their butts, probably as shocked as I am over this development. When she’s finished, Ronnie bitches that Mose made her, a woman, do all that work. “Ha ha ha! I guess it’s a bit much for a skinny one like you,” Mose snickers. Get it? Because she’s fucking huge!

Cunto pops out his front door, wondering what’s up with these weird fuckers. “Yup, they’re the [Lubrication] Army,” Tai Ho responds. “And you’re a member?” Cunto asks. So are you, dumbass. Did you not hear the “Pokeball, Go!” music? “Just for fun,” Tai Ho says. I’m so glad that Tai Ho is having a grand old time at PUGGY!!!’s expense, the big asshat. Both Mose and Ronnie Bell officially join at this point, too — I assume that, unlike Cunto, they know they’re joining the Lubrication Army. It’s time to ride the slick boat back to Penis Castle to kick some Daddy McDohl ass!

As soon as PUGGY!!! enters the castle, Tai Ho whines that he’s tired and the action disturbingly switches right to PUGGY!!!’s room. He’s alone, thank God, but I’m still leery about that segue. We all know PUGGY!!!’s not that hard up — a lot more people would have to die and a lot of alcohol would have to be consumed in order to make Tai Ho PUGGY!!!’s best prospect.

After a quick save, PUGGY!!! heads back to the war room. For some reason, the gathering includes Gen, who tells PUGGY!!!, “The Fire Spear is all set and ready to go.” My first thought is, “Shit, they only have one left?” But then I remember what I learned about the Suikoden Dialect. “The Fire Spear” actually refers to quite the assload of Fire Spears. Their grammar is not our grammar.

Mathiu orders PUGGY!!! to give the order to beat the shit out of some armored velociraptors. So PUGGY!!! does. “Yes, sir,” Mathiu responds, pathetically attempting to keep up the charade that he’s obeying orders rather than bossing PUGGY!!! around. “Tell all the troops. The fate of the [Lubrication] Army depends on this battle. We must each do our best,” Mathiu says. Well, shit — PUGGY!!! was going to keep the battle a secret from all the troops, he thought that getting wiped out in this battle wouldn’t affect their future whatsoever, and he was planning to do a halfassed job. Thanks Mathiu for your wise and necessary advice.

Battle time again! How nice of Teo to sit around waiting for PUGGY!!! to gather his secret weapon. PUGGY!!! has even more troops this time, which means that he either had a dickload of cannon fodder that he used in the last battle, or his recruitment efforts in the last day or so were extremely successful. The important thing is that he has 12585 troops to Teo’s 14000. Teo’s all, “I’ve got better shit to do than keep poking your guys with pointy things. Give it up.” “Ha! We’ve got a secret weapon!” Tai Ho blurts. God damn it, Tai Ho. Luckily, Teo dismisses Tai Ho as a retarded moron — not a bad assessment — so the battle proceeds as normal.

Mathiu uses “the power of the science” to boost the attack power of the army, and then… Well, to use a common VGR metaphor, imagine that the Fire Spears represent a large, powerful penis (not a huge stretch there) and that the Imperial Velociraptor Army represents a giant butthole. I think you see where I’m going with this. Four rounds of fiery death later, the minature Lubrication Army troops let out a chipmunk cheer and wave their flaming sticks around. Victory!

Back in regular, non-chipmunk mode, Teo and his two boytoys face off against PUGGY!!!, Mathiu, Bear, Flik, and Cleo. Mathiu suggests that Teo might want to surrender at this point. “How dare you! My army will never surrender, even if it’s down to the last soldier,” Alen blurts. Alen needs to keep his mouth shut and just look pretty. Grenseal is also set to die for his sugar daddy. Man, Teo must be awesome in bed.

Teo isn’t about to let his boys get their pretty faces all scratched up. After he tells them to stand back, he steps forward and says, “PUGGY!!! McDohl, traitor against Emperor [Assarosa]. The most wanted criminal in the land. I, Teo McDohl, shall punish you in His Majesty’s stead. Will you accept my challenge?” Whoa. I do not like where this is going. Hopefully he just wants to fight to the death and not that…other thing I think of when I hear the word “punish.” As PUGGY!!! steps forward to meet his dad, his friends all freak out. Bear’s all, “Don’t do it!” and Mathiu orders Bear to behead Teo. Before I get a chance to see what a pixilated decapitation looks like (probably really funny), PUGGY!!! goes ahead and accepts the challenge. The fighting challenge as it turns out. Whew.

The sky is orange and threatening, indicating the epic nature of this father/son battle. Teo outlines the situation for us, just in case we haven’t quite been able to follow: “I never thought I’d see this day. But I’m fighting for the Empire, and you are fighting for the [Lubrication] Army.” Ohhhhhhh. I thought Teo was mad because PUGGY!!! ran off with a bunch of his favorite young men. Well, that could be true, too.

Teo starts off this fight with only half his HP, which means I don’t have to waste as much time on this battle. Since a couple of wimpy (though expensive) claws were able to fend off Teo at his full strength, you can only imagine the terrible damage done by PUGGY!!!’s mighty wooden staff. Throughout the battle, Teo’s dialog indicates that he has a total complex over PUGGY!!! “surpassing” him, which brings us back to the boytoy-stealing thing. Teo needs to realize that some guys like the sexy older sugar daddy thing and quit being so insecure over the fact that he has a hot son. Sadly, Teo’s issues are his undoing.

After Teo falls, the Sad Sad Theme of Sadness for Guitar and Tears indicates that we are not going to have a replay of the Black Rune incidents ending with Teo joining up with PUGGY!!!. Nope, it seems that Teo is the one general in the whole fucking Empire who didn’t get a rune from Windy. He just got a big ol’ serving of death, courtesy of his son. Poor Teo lies on the ground with PUGGY!!! bent over him…let me rephrase that. PUGGY!!! sits next to his dad in his dying moments, probably feeling a shitload of guilt in spite of his dad instigating the whole thing. This is so much worse than the time he and Gremio flooded the house during bathtime. He wonders if his dad left him an inheritance, or if everything’s going to Alen and Grenseal now.

Despite all that traitor talk from earlier, Teo seems to have done a sudden 180 and come to terms with the fact that his son is pretty freaking cool. “PUGGY!!! McDohl, my son. You have become so strong. I lived for what I believed in. And I have no regrets. You must also live for what you believe in. I give blessings to your choice.” Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye. Alen begs Teo not to die. The army tent will be so lonely with just him and Grenseal. For his last request, Teo asks Alen and Grenseal to join the Lubrication Army to…help PUGGY!!!. “That is the best thing for you two,” he adds. I would have to agree there. And so does PUGGY!!!. Big time. Teo reaches one hand up to PUGGY!!! (yes, they actually animated this). “PUGGY!!!, my son, I am happy. The greatest happiness…a father can experience…is to see his son…surpass himself.” Only this generally doesn’t involve the son beating the father to death, I would hope. Well, everyone finds happiness in different ways, I guess.

Teo finally dies, causing Cleo to freak out. Not that her sprite body language changes or anything. A mystical beam of white light shines down on PUGGY!!!, powering up his Soul Eater rune. Hey, cool!

While this death scene always chokes me up for some reason (maybe because now my sexy Sims 2 McDohl house is totally un-canon), it never really made all that much sense to me. I mean, PUGGY!!! didn’t have to kill the other generals to get them to join the Lubrication Army. You’d think that the combination of his fellow generals joining the Lubrication Army, his son leading the damn thing, not to mention his entire household joining up, might clue Teo in a little bit sooner. Not to mention that he must be a total wuss to get killed in that battle — even Kwanzaa managed to survive some staff pummeling. The explanation I’ve seen is that the Soul Eater magically causes people close to PUGGY!!! to act like retards and get killed, thus making his life suck (as Leknaat predicted) and powering up the rune. This would explain Odessa having a brain fart and choosing to save the kid, and Gremio sacrificing himself to the man-eating spores. Although it wouldn’t explain the man-eating spores themselves. Nothing could.

The Soul Eater is a jerk.

That whole incident was a total bummer, but a moment later, PUGGY!!! is standing at the castle dock, accompanied by the usual peppy castle music. He decides to save so that he won’t have to kill his dad again.

And that’s a good place to stop. How will the Soul Eater possibly make PUGGY!!!’s life suck worse? You’ll have to wait until Part 11, which might be posted before the end of the century. See you next time!