PUGGY!!! leaves Leon in his sad, burned-out building and explores the rest of this scenic village. He finds more loot in practically every house — but no bodies, strangely. So someone either buried all the dead and left the multitude of treasure behind, or the game designers thought “rubble and some collapsed buildings” added enough realism to the situation and then took some extra bong time.
Now, every horrible site of death and destruction needs an individual who embodies “hope,” most often in the form of planting new seeds. Because vegetables and trees totally make up for human death. In this case, our resident green thumb is an old guy wearing farmer overalls. His name is Blackman, but he’s a freaking whitey. Whiteman asks, “What do you plan to leave behind in the wake of your battles?” PUGGY!!! doesn’t answer — to be honest, he hasn’t really thought about that shit. He just wants to get rid of that brainwashed Assarosa and his scary magical bitch, while getting busy with as many hotties as he can find. PUGGY!!! supposes that makes him kind of a dick — I mean, who would get involved in a war without a serious plan for the rebuilding effort afterward?
Once again, it’s PUGGY!!!’s Honest Eyesâ„¢ to the rescue! Whiteman doesn’t even care that PUGGY!!! just sat there with a guilty look plastered on his face instead of answering — his eyes show that he’s not a total dickface. Since PUGGY!!! didn’t trample the crap out of the three seedlings before talking to Whiteman, the farmer joins right up. Whiteman vows to fight in order to save his plants. Okay, I get it — it’s pot. That’s the only reasonable explanation. PUGGY!!! realizes that Whiteman is going to be one of the most popular members of the army.
You don’t have to ask PUGGY!!! twice.
By this time, PUGGY!!! has made his way to the northern entrance/exit of the burned-out shithole, so he enters the world map. After a quick return to Penis Castle to take care of some boring administrative business, he teleports back to Kirov. One of the random treasures in Kalekka was none other than the Sound Crystal, the mysterious rune needed to recruit the androgynous Melodye. Upon spotting the rune in PUGGY!!!’s hot little hand, Melodye immediately has a rather…enthusiastic reaction. Which could be hot or not, depending on gender. PUGGY!!! has no use for the fricking rune, so he hands it over. Cue another recruitment. Seriously, how many different ways can I say “PUGGY!!! recruits another lame motherfucker”?
I bet that’s impressive as hell.
PUGGY!!! must wind his way through Kalekka and its battles yet again before reaching the world map. You won’t quite believe this, but the next stop on the map is…the Secret Factory! I’m not shitting you! Although judging from its location in the middle of an open field, I don’t see how the factory can be all that secret. It’s a good thing neon signs haven’t been invented in the Suikoverse.
When the sextet enters, a woman named Ronnie Bell is in the process of threatening two individuals for “snooping around here.” As if it’s possible to be snooping around when you’re standing out in the open in a place that’s located out in the open. The Suikoden Porn Theme plays during this scene, possibly indicating that Ronnie is about to take these two down to her secret sex dungeon. Then again, the same theme plays during The Game That Shall Not Be Named, and that experience is about as sexy as the idea of Dr. Tidus, OB/GYN.
Surprise! The two “captives” are none other than PUGGY!!!’s friends from earlier: Ledon and Kessler. Of the poisoned tea/mulleted avenger incident. Ledon whines, “First I get chased off the mountain, and then I get captured by a giant woman.” Bowl cut and lack of social skills aside, PUGGY!!! has to kind of feel for the guy — being captured by a giant woman is one of his worst fears as well. Ronnie, who with her red hair and blaze orange dress isn’t exactly trying to minimize the effect of her height, takes offense to the term “giant woman.” While Ledon tries to backpedal, Kessler and his mullet also moan about “getting beaten by this giant woman.” So my idea of the sex dungeon might not be too far off. I’ve never been so unhappy about being right.
Ledon and Kessler engage in a comic argument over who used the term “giant woman” more times until Ronnie blows her top (not like that) and offers another round in the leather torture swing. PUGGY!!! has the opportunity to break into the conversation with either “Hey, it’s Ledon and Kessler” or “Hey, giant woman.” The torture swing and the prospect of that Amazon Ronnie wearing a dominatrix suit doesn’t appeal to him, so he errs on the side of not pissing her off.
None of the three happened to notice the group of six standing nearby, although Ledon and Kessler at least have the excuse that their backs were turned. At the sound of their names, they whip around all, “Holy shit, you’re Odessa’s pals!” Tai Ho wonders if PUGGY!!! knows these guys, as if there’s a possibility that PUGGY!!! just happened to randomly pull their names out of his ass. Also, I get kind of a judgmental vibe from Tai Ho, like he considers them losers or something. Which they are, but man. If you looked up the pot/kettle phrase in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Tai Ho with a little speech bubble saying, “Those guys are dickheads!”
PUGGY!!! can totally pull a Peter (so to speak) and deny his knowledge of these two, but he kind of wants to advance the plot without any more comic misunderstandings. Ledon grabs onto this opportunity like he’s an FFVII fanboy and a naked, pathetically desperate Tifa just showed up at his front door. “Yes, yes, that’s right. Lady Odessa and this young gentleman here once stayed at my inn,” Ledon wheezes, hoping that PUGGY!!! forgot the minor inconvenience of Ledon slipping him roofies and plundering his unconscious body. Fucker.
“You fellows keep saying Odessa. Are you talking about Lady Odessa Silverberg?” Ronnie inquires. No, they’re talking about Odessa Jones who lives down the street. Also, way to stay secretive there, Ronnie. I can just imagine some Imperials strolling up to the door and Ronnie going, “Hey guys, are you here to pick up the Fire Spears for the Lubrication Army?” And then the actual Lubrication Army supporters show up and she’s all “Grrr, to the sex dungeon!”
To be fair, as soon as she realizes that PUGGY!!! is the Lubrication Army leader, she goes all aflutter, freaking out that she needs to inform “old Mose.” She doesn’t try to put them through an interrogation involving whips and liquid latex or anything, which in this case is a plus. As soon as Ronnie zooms offscreen to visit this Mose person, PUGGY!!! speaks to Ledon and Kessler, who decided to stick around despite their earlier treatment. Kessler whines, “What a disgrace. The Imperial Army began hunting bandits, and we were chased off the mountain. Then I heard that a [Lubrication] Army was formed. I figured I’d join up, and came out here.” And the rest was history. But…I thought Kessler already knew about Odessa and the Lubrication Army. Y’know, that’s why he saved them all from Ledon’s little rob-n-rape scheme. I guess he means the New and Improved Gay Friendly Lubrication Army with the Schlong-Shaped Castle. Also, how did he just happen to choose this totally random, not-at-all suspicious factory as the site for the Lubrication Army supporters? Only the very important members of the army know about it! It’s secret!
Since Kessler just happened to run into the leader of said Lubrication Army, he takes this opportunity to officially join. As does Ledon, after begging PUGGY!!! to help him: “All I did was served them a tea and they destroyed my inn.” Maybe it was the shitty grammar that offended them. So Ledon tried the same tea trick on the Imperials and had to pay the piper. Oddly, PUGGY!!! finds himself siding with the Imperials in this situation. Ledon joins up anyway, since it would be out of character for PUGGY!!! to refuse someone, no matter how many felonies they’ve committed upon his person.
Ledon and Kessler head off to Penis Castle to freeload and serve Rohypnol Tea to the inhabitants. It’s not PUGGY!!!’s problem at the moment. What is his problem is the fact that his pockets suddenly feel a bit empty, and I’m not referring to the lack of Gremio’s groping hands. I’m talking about the lack of bits. No, not naughty bits. God, you guys. Money. I’m talking about money. Luckily, the monsters of Kalekka carry shitloads of cash. Two random battles later, PUGGY!!! feels he has enough savings for whatever his travels require.
He returns to the “Secret” Factory and enters the actual building. Ronnie has her giant panties all in a twist. “You’re late. You sure took your time. Mountain paths too rough for you?” Okay, this is the third reference to a mountain path — both Ledon and Kessler talked about heading down the mountain to Penis Castle. I figured they were talking about some random other mountain on the way. Apparently, the several squares of flat ground between the entrance to the area and the entrance to the building qualifies as a “mountain path.” I’m probably just being too narrowminded and picky — I’m sure that when you’re loaded up with hallucinogens, flat ground looks like anything you want it to. I shouldn’t try to view these things through my clear and unaltered state. Also, while it’s true that PUGGY!!! fucked around for a while before entering the factory, I’m sure Ronnie’s dialogue would be exactly the same if PUGGY!!! arrived two seconds after she left. Suck it, Ronnie. Well, no, PUGGY!!! doesn’t mean that literally.
PUGGY!!! likes it rough.
Despite Ronnie’s impatience, she just stands there after telling PUGGY!!! where to find Mose. He decides to explore the factory first, just to stick it to Ronnie even more. Again, not literally. Amidst the shelves and drawers of unidentifiable but scientific-looking objects (or perhaps dildos), PUGGY!!! finds an old “friend” — the mysterious ninja Kage. Kage gives his big old spiel, explaining that he is the stereotypical fighter who holds allegiance to no one except money. Is nothing about this guy unique? God, he even has the long white hair of vague evil. PUGGY!!!, not taken in by this guy’s obvious attempts at a badass image, tries to recruit him because he can’t be worse than Ledon or Kuromimi. Kage is all, “I’m super important and super expensive!” He names a price of 20,000 bits. Now, this is way more than he’s worth, obviously, but he doesn’t realize that PUGGY!!! raised his entire fee from a few random battles in Kalekka. PUGGY!!! doesn’t see fit to tell him this, either — he just hides a smug grin as he hands over the cash. Yeah, it’s all he owns right now, but two minutes in Kalekka will fix that. The transaction completed, Kage heads off to Penis Castle to stand around spouting clichéd bullshit and hoping that people think he’s really cool.
PUGGY!!!’s not that hard up…so to speak.
Although Ronnie said Mose was “in the back,” what she really meant was “eight squares to the right.” Also, I’m not sure why she keeps calling him “old Mose” — I was expecting a grizzled old codger. Mose…well, he has dark hair and a Hitler mustache. I can’t call him Adolf because we already have one of those in this series, but I’ll be thinking it every time I see that portrait. It’s also obvious that Mose, in his orange outfit, is one of the color- and name-coordinated blacksmiths of the game, kind of like the squirrels in Suikoden II. Mose greets PUGGY!!! and adds, “We heard that the hideout was attacked, and we were [Very Worriedâ„¢]. And what is Odessa doing now?” Okay, I thought as soon as the truth came out to all the core members of the original Lubrication Army (Flik, etc.) that they weren’t bothering to keep her death a secret. Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting Mose’s question — maybe he’s actually wondering about the state of her corpse. Mose isn’t one of those people who can manage to hide their disturbing fetish. PUGGY!!! chooses to stick with the first interpretation of the question, however. “Odessa is… She’s…gone,” he responds diplomatically. For all he cares, he’d rather just be blunt and say that she kicked the bucket. But he needs those Fire Spears and if that means he has to act like he gives a shit, then what the hell.
Mose doesn’t seem all that upset, really. Right away, he realizes that the blueprints for the Fire Spears are now “a keepsake.” Meaning that they’re worth something on eBay. Tai Ho, the only other person separate from PUGGY!!! at this point, latches onto this: “Fire Spear! Do you have Fire Spears?” Mose is all, “DURRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He then points out that the spears must be transported in a boat. I’m not quite sure why they need a boat when they have a fucking teleportation mirror. Especially when you consider that Fire Spears and water are probably not a good combination. But whatever, PUGGY!!! also has a boat. “A boat? I have an idea,” Tai Ho tards. Well, thank God PUGGY!!! brought along a genius who can remind them that they have a boat.