Back in the giant lava room again, Twink heads toward a different spot along the wall. Honestly, I’m completely turned around at this point while watching the footage, and I have no idea where he is on the map. It doesn’t help that he ends up running through lava at one point, dodging the moving platforms and flamer skulls. God, this room sucks. He ends up at a spot on the brick wall that looks like it should have a door but doesn’t. Remembering the extra helpful advice from the last imprisoned Goron, he strikes the wall with his sword. It makes a…slightly higher metallic sound? I think? Well, even without that surefire way of detecting bombable walls, it’s pretty obvious what Twink is supposed to do here. Bombing the brick wall reveals another barred door which leads to another rocky tunnel containing another prison cell with another moaning Goron who spouts another text box of identical dialogue and another unhelpful secret. This time, Twink finds out that some switches in the dungeon require bombs or sword slashes to activate. You don’t say. Twink grabs another Small Key after the Goron leaves the room.

Seriously, fuck this.

Twink and I are both ready to be done with the giant lava room. Seriously, whenever I haven’t played this game for a while and have forgotten everything else about this dungeon, I still remember this God damn room and how annoying and confusing it is. Twink has yet another door to open in this room, and this one leads to a tall, narrow chamber with a cage made of chain link fencing. Twink has to climb to the top of it like he’s a perp running from the cops in a Law & Order episode, fight some non-flaming bats, and jump down onto a pillar with a stone block on it. The stone block has those same creepy grinning faces as everything else in this dungeon. They’re pretty primitive, so it’s hard to tell, but I wonder if these are supposed to be Goron faces. Twink does not like the idea of Goron faces leering at him everywhere, so that’s what they probably are. Twink pushes the leering Goron block onto a fiery hole below and then jumps on top of the block. Soon a phallic pillar of fire from below launches the block up to the ceiling, jamming it into a block-sized hole like a buttplug with Goron faces on it. You’re welcome.

The room that the Goron buttplug fits into contains a single locked door. Luckily Twink has a second key. Now, you might notice that things have been going unexpectedly smoothly for Twink, what with having the exact number of Small Keys he needs for all the locked doors he’s encountered so far. This would not be happening without the strategy guide, so I feel like I’m cheating you guys out of an authentic Zelda gaming experience here. But fuck it, I still have an hour left to recap, which is more than enough already — and don’t worry, there is still plenty to bitch about. Through this door is another room with green glowing bricks. Twink can see a caged Goron here, but there aren’t any pressure switches nearby. I don’t know if I can handle this huge change in the established pattern. Twink has to climb up to the top of the room, encountering magma slugs for the first time. Magma slugs look like glowing scabs with a flame on top. They aren’t the worst enemies in the world, but they make this weird crinkling noise which gets annoying, especially when Twink is trying to concentrate. Hitting them with the sword makes them turn gray and fizzle out in a puff of smoke. It’s very dramatic. Across the way is a fabulous crystal set into a base. Twink wants to steal it and use it as the decorative centerpiece for his all male hot spring resort, but the stupid thing won’t budge from the floor. The crystal is actually a switch that turns off the flames blocking a perp fence up above. But it’s one of those annoying timed puzzles that Twink sucks at so very badly. The trick here is to throw a bomb down to activate the crystal — just like that last Goron said, which does nothing for Twink’s mood. He does not want it to look like he’s accepting any help from these assholes. Twink’s performance here is once again less than impeccable, and it takes him two tries to reach the undoubtedly molten hot perp fence up above. Now, the fault isn’t entirely Twink’s here — every time he bombs the switch, the camera angle changes to showcase the switch and the flames disappearing before it returns its focus to Twink. This would be disorienting enough even if the game left him the fuck alone, but for some reason he gets turned 90 degrees away from his original direction, which adds unnecessary difficulty to this part. In fact, this fuckery is directly responsible for Twink’s first failure.

Anyway, there’s a door on the next level which leads to another very irritating room. This one has numerous brick structures with corridors between them. Twink is on the floor level, but the camera is up above, giving a fixed top down view of the horrors that await Twink. A number of large rabbit shitballs roll through the corridors in a set pattern. Twink must avoid these while trying to find his way to the various doors which are, by the way, mostly not visible from this camera angle. Of course the camera angle lurches back to its usual behind-Twink view when he makes his way into various alcoves, which just confuses me further. Twink takes care of a Gold-Assed Spider behind a bombable wall, because he really needed to deal with spiders on top of all of this other shit. Through another door along the wall, he releases another imprisoned Goron using a pressure switch. This one is already dead. Just kidding, but that would have been awesome. The “secret” this time is that Twink can extinguish himself when he’s on fire by swinging his sword or rolling. Oh my God, really? Twink should just ask these Gorons to pass the Small Keys to him through the bars and then leave them to rot in the cells.

Four Gorons in total are now free again, and Twink hates himself exponentially. Dodging some more rabbit shit — and holy crap, there is a lot of it in this room — Twink ends up at a Goron cell set into the wall. This moaning asshat tells Twink about something else he is yet to encounter in this dungeon — fake doors that fall on him when he tries to open them. The Goron tells Twink he can move out of the way before this happens, or he can use the “special crop” on the door. Is it really so hard just to call them bombs? This is getting ridiculous. I get another eyeful of Goron crotch as this one leaves the screen, and Twink gets a Small Key. He’s up to two again, just so we’re all on the same page.

He uses one of the keys on yet another door along the wall. Inside, the walls are red glowy rock and the floor is paved with matching red bricks. That was considerate of the stone mason, possibly a GGI employee, to coordinate the colors like that. A narrow rock bridge leads to two different doors. The one across from Twink is locked and the one to his right is barred. He heads to the barred door, and as he passes over the rock bridge, the camera angle switches to directly above Twink, meaning I am looking down into a gaping red pit. This is not reassuring. Shooting an arrow into an eye switch opens the bars, allowing Twink to pass through the door, where he finds himself in a large barred cell next to another lava pit. This would have been a much more effective prison if the door was barred from the inside rather than the outside. Clearly, this part of the temple was designed by Gorons rather than GGI. The giant chest in the cell with him contains the dungeon map, finally. That’s all Twink can do on this side of the bars, so he returns to the room with the rock bridge. An added bonus is that the door here has a grinning Goron face with a snaking tongue carved into it. And now Twink’s thinking about his possible molestation by Darunia again. Darunia might have had that exact expression on his face while “measuring” Twink.

Goatse!

Twink heads along the precarious rock bridge to the locked door. He’s now on the outside of the cell where he found the map. In here, Twink has to jump across sections of chain link flooring suspended from the ceiling over a lava pit while outrunning a giant wall of fire. During his first jump, he runs right into a flamer skull and lands in the lava, where the fire wall catches up to him. That’s pretty much how I expected things to go. Twink really hopes Sheik is not watching him on some magical security camera right now. He climbs back up with only mild third degree burns and heads through a door on the upper level. This leads back to the rabbit shit room, but now Twink is on top of the brick structures. Of course some of these brick walkways are the same width as Twink for some reason. I mean, was it really necessary to make the walls thinner so that the rabbit shit would have more room to move down below? But that’s not the worst thing Twink has to deal with up here. He whips out his Cockarina in front of the magma slugs nearby and plays the lame Scarecrow’s Song. A moment later, Pierre the scarecrow erupts from the top of a decorative pillar near the ceiling. When Twink finishes his shuddering, he Moneyshots onto Pierre and ends up next to him on the column. For some reason the wall on this side of the room is lined with tiny windows, like the outside of a coliseum. Are these supposed to be more cells? How many fucking criminals did they have back when this place was active? Or was this place formerly used as spectator seating for Goron deathmatches against the vagina dragon? That might be worth watching.

I’m getting off track again, and Twink doesn’t want to stand next to this creeper scarecrow any longer than necessary, so he Moneyshots to a platform across the way, rides it up like the Goron buttplug to the floor of another room, passes through a door, and climbs up another perp fence just to get a Gold-Assed Spider. Climbing up more perp fencing leads to a tall circular room that resembles a giant Goatse hole on the map (not to be confused with the earlier Goatse pit). A second Gold-Assed spider is attached to the wall of this room, and there’s a flaming chest up a ramp that requires another timed switch puzzle to get. Twink eventually gets tired of failing — it was probably a rupee he couldn’t use anyway — and retraces his steps to the Moneyshot buttplug room. Unfortunately, the buttplug has retracted, so Twink has to jump down and land on it. That shouldn’t be too hard — it’s exactly the same size as the hole Twink is jumping from. I think you guys can figure out what happens here. Twink misses the buttplug platform by a mere fraction of an inch, and lands on the bottom floor of the rabbit shit room. Shit (no pun intended)! Of course he ends up hurt, too, because it’s not bad enough that he has to retrace his fucking steps through several godawful rooms.

Twink works his way back to the upper level of the rabbit shit room via the red rock bridge room followed by the room with the moving wall of fire. That took about a minute in real time but several years off my life from irritation. Up on top of one of the brick structures is a weird rocky slit that might be a replica of the Goron queen’s vagina. I’m just sayin’. It causes Naggy to start screaming in Twink’s ear, which is the last fucking thing he needs right now. For some reason, he allows her to speak her mind. “Twink, I hear Goron voices down below,” she shrills at him. Since they’re standing next to a giant vagina, the term “down below” takes on a more disturbing meaning. But Naggy is not saying she hears Goron voices in her vagina (I hope). From her statement, Twink is supposed to figure out that he should bomb the vagina. This is the only time anything of his will explode near lady parts, and luckily it destroys the vagina in the process so Twink doesn’t have to look at it anymore. This reveals a square pit with a strategically placed perp fence that Twink can use as a ladder. He does not feel okay about climbing down into this hole for several reasons, one of which is that there is a Goron prisoner at the bottom. Actually, it’s the one Twink saw in the crystal switch room that had no pressure switch outside the cell. The pressure switch is on the other side of the cell, where Twink is now. That was a lot of work just to get to this one fucker. He steps on the switch, which opens the bars on either side of the cell, allowing Twink to return to the crystal switch room if he wants. Which he doesn’t, so that was pointless. Also, Naggy’s earlier statement makes no sense. How the fuck could she hear Goron voices when it’s just one Goron down a tunnel, which is down a deep hole blocked by a stone vagina? Plus, it’s not like that Goron was sitting there muttering to himself — he was rolled into a blissfully silent ball until Twink arrived. Is Naggy a wizard? What a terrible thought.

Vagina!

According to this Goron, Twink will soon encounter enemies that “dance as they attack.” Well, that sounds appropriate for this game. Arrows are useless against these mincing foes, so the Goron advises Twink to use the “special crop.” And now I’m picturing Twink spanking the creature with a riding crop. I feel like every single Goron suggestion so far has involved the fucking bombs. In fact, the first one could have said, “When in doubt, bomb the shit out of it” and Twink could have saved himself the time and effort of listening to all this other bullshit. The Goron runs off, crotch in the camera, Twink grabs the Small Key, and then climbs back up to the top of the perp fence. He hops across the top of some more brick structures and steps on a pressure switch, which opens another cell somewhere in the room. The camera is not particularly helpful regarding the location of the cell, but Twink jumps across pretty much every structure in the room and eventually finds it. This Goron’s secret is actually not about bombs! My world is crumbling! He tells Twink, “If you find a place that you can see on the map but can’t reach, try playing your Ocarina!” This might be the most useless advice yet, since it’s referring to summoning the creeper scarecrow to get the Gold-Assed Spiders, which Twink already fucking did. The Goron shuffles off camera, and I don’t hear it drop off the edge of the cell onto a rolling rabbit shit, and I doubt it jumped nimbly across the upper level of the room, so I guess it teleported, too. Twink hates these guys.