“Dad went to the Fire Temple by himself to try to save everyone…” Twink Jr. says, as if anyone other than Twink could ever successfully carry out a mission. Of course this immediately becomes Twink’s problem when Twink Jr. begs him to help his dad. Oh, Twink will be helping Darunia all right. And by “helping,” I mean “having a very serious talk with.” It’s not like Twink Jr. is about to tag along, which is just as well, but he does hand over a heat-resistant tunic so Twink won’t burn to death within seconds of entering the Fire Temple. On the surface this seems considerate, but it only serves to shock and disturb Twink further. See, the tunic is not some ill-fitting Goron hand-me-down, but instead a garment perfectly tailored to Twink’s adult form. And just to remove any plausible deniability, it even has a matching hat in Twink’s signature style. This can only mean that at some time within the last year or so of Twink’s induced coma, someone in the Chamber of Sages acted as Darunia’s accomplice and measured Twink’s unconscious, probably naked body. Rauru is the worst. Also, none of this explains why Twink Jr. was carrying the tunic around, not to mention where he was carrying it. This is now literally rock bottom for Twink.

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If wearing this crack whore red tunic is the only way Twink can track down Darunia and give him a piece of his mind (and not his ass), then so be it. Twink reluctantly accepts it, and heads down to the bottom level of Goron Fucking City because the camera showed him some doors magically opening around there. It turns out that Darunia has a hidden entrance to the Death Mountain Crater in his chamber, located behind a Goron statue with an oversized head and obvious nipples. That might have been a turn-on for Twink at one time, assuming the statue is Darunia, but Twink is so over that shit now. He changes into his gaudy new tunic now that Twink Jr.’s beady black eyes aren’t fixed on him.

Darunia totally designed this statue at this height in comparison to Twink.

The inside of Death Mountain is pretty much what you would expect — a giant pool of lava, and various rocky walkways leading to the Fire Temple and other treasures. Someone even built a wooden bridge at some point — I suspect a rocket scientist Goron — and although it’s a short distance above the lava, the bridge is miraculously unburnt. But it is broken, and Twink has to Moneyshot across. As soon as he lands, a familiar form appears at the other end of the bridge. Oh, thank all the gods and goddesses (even that frog thing) — it’s Sheik! Twink barely manages to resist throwing himself into Sheik’s manly arms and sobbing about all the terrible things that have happened to him since they last met. But no, he must not look weak in front of his sexy boyfriend. As their dainty love theme plinks away in the background, Sheik approaches Twink on the bridge. “It is something that grows over time…a true friendship,” Sheik tells him. Ouch. That is not where Twink thought he was going with that. Did Twink just get friendzoned? As Sheik rambles on — and man, is Twink not in the mood for one of Sheik’s monologues — he continues with the mixed messages. He talks about “passion” and “blossoming” but then just keeps on throwing out that f word. Did he find out about Twink Jr. or something? Then Sheik finishes off this very confusing speech by teaching Twink the Bolero of Fire, which — in Sheik’s own words — is “dedicated to the power of the heart.” So they’re still going to do it then?

Twink puts his Cockarina to his lips and blows the tune that Sheik taught him, and soon they are playing a very sensual duet with a rhythmic accompaniment in the background. The camera switches between them faster and faster until the song climaxes. Yeah, this is totally not a friend song. Twink feels better now. Well, until he tries to make out with Sheik and a sheet of fire suddenly appears between them. I don’t know if Sheik is responsible for this, but either way, he drops another ninja smoke bomb and disappears. Jesus Christ, what does Twink have to do to get laid around here? He briefly considers stripping out of the protective tunic and jumping into the lava, but he can’t commit suicide before confronting Darunia. He might as well get on with that.

Passing through a brick-lined entry, Twink finds a very long ladder leading down. At the bottom is the official entrance to the Fire Temple. It seems like Twink should be under the lava at this point, but trying to figure this out is going to give me a headache. The entry chamber is paved with large stone bricks, and a wide staircase leads up to a trio of tribal statues with fire inside their gaping blowjob mouths. There are also symbols carved into every stone surface. I don’t know the story behind this temple, or if these statues and symbols are meaningful to the Gorons in some way. Whatever its original purpose, most likely Ganondorf Glamour, Inc. has fucked with it in some way. On cue, Twink hears the flapping of flaming bat wings at the top of the stairs. He’s off to a great start.

Up the stairs, Twink avoids the bats and passes through an unlocked door to the left. The door is some kind of dark gray metal with a barred window in the upper half, like something out of a prison. This place is so not what Twink pictured in any of his prison fantasies. Oddly enough, the next chamber is enormous, not some tiny, dank cell. Numerous stone platforms rise out of the lava pool below. An excited musical motif plays here, as the camera dramatically pans to someone on a platform across the lava from Twink. But when Twink sees who it is, he thinks a sinister motif would have been more appropriate. It’s that bastard, Darunia. Before Twink can demand an explanation, Darunia wonders aloud if that is indeed his underage boy candy glaring at him. “You’ve grown so big since I last saw you!” Darunia gushes, impressed with this specimen of man in front of him. He’s acting like this is the first time he’s seen Twink in the last seven years, but Twink isn’t stupid — like Rauru didn’t let Darunia help with the measurement process. “I want to have a man-to-man talk with you, but now is not the time,” Darunia continues. Oh, Twink thinks it is very much the time, although he is ashamed to admit to blushing at all this “growing big” and “man-to-man talk” stuff. Darunia’s reason for putting Twink off is the exact story we already heard from Twink Jr. — Ganondorf revived the evil vagina dragon and is going to stuff the dipshit Gorons into her flapping, toothy maw. Twink can tell that Darunia is going to keep coming up with excuses to avoid him. Well, Twink will go ahead and play along for now.

And the problem is?

Darunia continues to act like he’s going to have some part in clearing out this dungeon — he intends to seal Vulvagina even without the legendary hammer. I’m sure he’s quite relieved that he doesn’t have to pound on a giant vagina. Meanwhile, he asks Twink — as a “Sworn Brother,” like that means anything anymore — to go rescue the useless Gorons being held in prison cells throughout the dungeon. Although Twink is more than happy to leave the vagina sealing to Darunia, the last thing he wants to do right now is let the Gorons back out into the world. Out of the camera’s view, Darunia goes through the nearby door, and when the camera returns to Twink’s view, he can see that Darunia’s door has a big lock on it. Is Darunia hoarding the Boss Key? Well, even if he is, Twink is sure it won’t be a problem, since Darunia’s handling the dungeon boss by himself. Right.

The first prison cell is conveniently located in the current chamber. Twink has to hop across some precarious pillars in order to get there, which he manages to do on the third try. There, he finds a pressure switch and a Goron sitting behind bars with a stupid grin on his face. The entire barred wall slides open when Twink steps on the switch, and the Goron gets to its feet with an erotic groan. This makes Darunia look like even more of an asshole — he couldn’t have taken thirty seconds to jump over here and step on a switch? I bet that Goron felt great just watching Darunia fucking around with the boss door and leaving him to die. And I’m not saying I care, because fuck that Goron, but it was still a dick move. The Goron stands in place waiting for Twink to give the okay to leave. These guys really are the dumbest race ever. At least the Goron doesn’t just go “DURR DURR DURR DURR DURR” when Twink talks to him — he gives Twink actual advice for solving the dungeon. In order for Twink to get across the lava to the boss door, he needs to dislodge the pillar in the ceiling. “Find a path that leads to a room above the ceiling right away!” he finishes, less helpful. Like, it’s good to know the puzzle needs to be solved from above, but if this Goron knows so much about the damn dungeon, maybe he should give some more detailed directions. Figuring that bit of advice completely repays Twink for rescuing him, the nameless Goron waddles out of the cell and offscreen. He dies on the way back to Goron City, in the version of this game that Twink created. There’s a small wooden chest inside the cell, and Twink finds a Small Key in it. Ganondorf apparently likes to store keys inside prison cells. Even though the key can’t unlock the cell door (and the Goron probably couldn’t figure out how to use it even if it did), it’s still a fairly silly storage place.

All right, one down, an indeterminate number of shitty Gorons left to go. Darunia did say all of the Gorons were imprisoned here. Back in the entry chamber, Twink heads across and opens the locked door to the right of the stairs. This chamber is even larger than the one where he found Darunia. The room is, once again, a huge lava pit. This one has rope bridges across it, some magical jet powered blocks moving through it in predetermined patterns, and several doors lining the walls. It also contains roughly five thousand flaming bats. Luckily Twink’s mysterious controller is consulting the player’s guide this time, so there’s no way he can get lost or horribly killed.

Fuck this.

One of the doors in this room leads to a rocky tunnel with the next Goron’s cell at the end. Like the last cell, this one contains a single Goron. This is going to take forever if Twink has to rescue each individual in the Goron race separately. Twink releases this dumbass using the nearby pressure switch. The game designers decided to copy and paste the dialogue from the previous Goron — only the “helpful” “secret” at the end is different — which makes it seem like the Gorons share a hive mind (or “mind”). That would fit with the idea of a Goron queen, not that Twink needs to think about that right now. The “secret” this time is rather odd: “A wall that you can destroy with the Goron’s “special crop” will sound different than a regular wall if you hit it with your sword.” The first time Twink bailed the Gorons out of a mess, we learned that the “special crop” refers to Bomb Flowers, but putting it in quotes like that makes it seem like they’re some illicit substance. Now I’m imagining Gorons smoking their own Bomb Flowers to get high, and that would explain so very much. More importantly, this Goron just told Twink that he can tell which walls are bombable by striking them with his sword. Even if that’s true, it’s pretty ridiculous. Once again, the Goron runs out the door, accompanied by a musical fanfare, and Twink plunders another Small Key from the nearby chest. This is not going to get repetitive or anything.

Back in the giant lava room, the Goron is nowhere to be found, meaning he either sunk to his death in the lava lake (preferable) or a magical teleporting wizard allowed him to skip past all the moving platforms and flaming bats that Twink still has to deal with (probable). There is a green block just above the door Twink originally went through, and he remembers to play the Song of Time here. Not that I’ve ever forgotten to do this before and had to backtrack. After the block moves to the lower level, Twink can climb up and go through another barred door. This leads to a room lined with greenish glowing bricks. I’m not sure how that fits into the decor of a fire dungeon — GGI really dropped the ball here, in Twink’s opinion. Some of the green tiles in the floor have creepy grinning faces on them. Just to fuck with Twink’s head further, these tiles rise from the floor, spinning, and fly at Twink’s face one-by-one. Twink can defeat them either by smacking them with the Masturbator Sword or by getting hit by them. Let’s just move on.

At the far end of the room, Twink sees something that paralyzes him in fear. No, it’s not a ReDead — it’s something much, much worse. This creature is a Like Like, and while it might be tempting to consider its tube shape phallic, that would be a serious mistake. For this is none other than a detached, sentient vagina. Its squishy body sways and undulates in place, but as soon as Twink approaches, it bends down and attempts to suck him in. If it succeeds, it envelops him completely into its pulsating opening, stripping off his tunic and stealing his protective shield while he’s stuck inside its womb-like innards. In other words, it’s exactly like his multiple girlfriends. Luckily, Twink has had fair warning, and he destroys the vagina tube with arrows before it even catches onto his presence. Twink has never felt so relieved in his life. He takes care of the Gold-Assed Spider on the far wall, which was really the only purpose of this room. Twink is not happy with me for making him go in here.