Hopefully you all detected my sarcasm earlier regarding repetitive penis-related dungeon puzzles, so you won’t be surprised to learn that Twink must defeat two more cocks — a dark red one and a green one — in order to proceed. The green one dangles into a room full of electrified jellyfish, which you’d think might cause some rather painful problems for the penis. Whatever the situation, Twink puts it out of its misery. After receiving several more nonconsensual blows to the face by these rogue wieners, Twink’s worst fears from earlier have almost come true. He has almost sworn completely off the cock. Almost. This is Twink we’re talking about, after all. There’s still hope.

If you think way back to the beginning of this dungeon, you might recall the room where Twink found Ruto, and the fact that it included a green penis stuck into one of the floorifices. That very penis was connected to the tip that Twink just defeated, meaning that he now has full access to the floorifice. Hot. Of course, since that room contains at least a half dozen gaping holes, it’s kind of tough to remember which one contained the penis. They all look the same! Luckily for Twink and my sanity, Twink chooses the correct floorifice to enter. And he lands on a platform right next to a fucking Gold-Assed Spider. I hate this game.

Heading through another anal doorway, Twink ends up in the umpteenth dead-end chamber of the dungeon. This one contains a raised circular platform upon which sits the most beautiful sparkling jewel yet. We have the green and the red one already, so this is obviously the blue one. Plus, it’s the Zoras’ Spiritual Stone, so no shit Sherlock that it’s blue. Because water is blue, see? Ruto squeals like, well, a little girl when she spots it, proving to no one’s surprise that this is the stone she lost. She kicks and flails her legs, grinding her crotch further into Twink’s head, begging him to throw her up on the platform. Twink, ready to throw up himself, complies.

Giggling, Ruto goes to grab the jewel, causing the Random Text God to pout, “Princess Ruto got the Spiritual Stone! But why Princess Ruto?” I think this is supposed to be humorous because Ruto’s “get” animation and musical riff is identical to when Twink picks up a special item. But after this dungeon, Twink and I are in no mood for lighthearted humor, so suck it, game.

Still hanging out on the platform, Ruto sighs in relief over finding “[her] mother’s stone.” “I got very upset when Lord [Jabba] swallowed it…” she remarks, making her the only person in this room who would mind if someone swallowed something. Ruto continues to shower Twink with unwanted exposition: “While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised I dropped it inside…” I’m sure the braver among you can root out all the sexual innuendos in that statement, but pardon me if I don’t join you.

With that, Princess Ruto announces that she is ready to leave, and orders Twink to carry her on out of there. Oh, if only it were that easy.

At that moment, “tragedy” strikes, as the platform shoots upwards, carrying Ruto — and more importantly, the stone — with it. As the platform embeds itself in the ceiling, Ruto shrieks, “What is this?! An octopus?!” Oh no. Oh no no no no no no. Octopi have tentacles, and we all know what that means. Since I am still writing this and not in a mental institution wearing a straitjacket, you can probably guess that we don’t actually witness Ruto’s encounter with the octopus. Instead, the door behind Twink becomes covered with impenetrable webbing and the platform floats back down, no longer containing Ruto, but instead, the octopus. Twink finds no reason to complain.

Hello, Shion! Redux

Judging by this particular octopus’s appearance, no rape is imminent — its tentacles are much too stubby and non-threatening for that. Instead, its most disturbing features are its glowing green eyes and giant blowjob mouth. It flings itself off the platform — which has now grown spikes, for extra mini-boss fight fun — where Twink smacks it in the face with his Boomerwang. After a few moments of paralysis, the Blowjobtopus starts spinning around, revealing a giant green orb sticking out of its gaping ass. If Twink hits it with the Boomerwang just right, the Blowjobtopus becomes paralyzed with its back end toward Twink, and Twink can then thrust his sword repeatedly into the green butthole orb.

Remember, children play this game. Won’t someone please think of the children?! Besides Seymour, I mean.

If the Blowjobtopus becomes unparalyzed for long enough, it starts to run around the room in a circle as the spiky platform spins along with it. But Twink is quick enough with the Boomerwang that this doesn’t actually happen. Given that Twink is the klutziest hero in the history of Hyrule, the fact that he doesn’t get hit once by the Blowjobtopus can only mean that it is the easiest of all easy mini-bosses. Not that Twink really minds.

The platform sinks into the floor at the end of the battle, allowing Twink to hop on and ride it to the upper level. After navigating through a phallic yet oddly boring platform puzzle, Twink eventually finds himself back in the box room. Only now, he has access to another doorway and a floor switch. And how convenient for him that Jabba had those random crates sitting in his throat, since the floor switch is one that requires a weight to hold it down and Ruto is nowhere to be seen (thank the goddesses).

I really don’t care to recap in detail any of the puzzles on the way to the boss chamber. Needless to say, Twink makes it there safe, sound, and princessless, wondering what sort of horror awaits him inside a dungeon that resembles various unmentionable body parts. As it turns out, it’s nothing really all that phallic or vaginal at all. In fact, it most resembles a giant testicle, if that testicle wore armor made out of multiple electric jellyfish. This rather unfriendly-looking beast is called “Bio-electric Anemone Barinade.” Is that pronounced phonetically or does it rhyme with “marinade’? Because I’m really hungry right now, and thinking about marinade isn’t helping.

Although Barinade has several different moves, they all involve shooting concentrated electric death at Twink. The basic fighting strategy consists of the following: Use Boomerwang to disconnect tentacles from ceiling, run around trying to avoid electrocution, get electrocuted anyway, eventually hit some part of the damn boss with the Boomerwang to paralyze it, flail around with sword. Ganondorf took some special pains to line the room with pots containing life-replenishing hearts, which allow Twink to survive in spite of all the electrocutions. The best part of the boss fight is watching it in fast motion on Quicktime and hearing Twink’s high-pitched chipmunk screams every time he gets hit by something unpleasant — which happens a lot. On an unrelated note, I just finished a glass of wine, which I’m sure is not at all connected to my easy amusement.

Stop sucking so badly, Twink! Jeez.

At long last, Twink stabs that squishy asshat to death, causing its entire body to erupt in giant red pimples before exploding in a mist of green goo. And my hunger problem is suddenly solved. Twink, in the middle of the goo puddle, trudges forward in both relief and nausea to claim his Ass Container. Well, that was certainly the experience of a lifetime, and I obviously don’t mean that in a good way. Time for Twink to go snag that damn jewel from Ruto. Or jam shards of glass into his rectum — whichever is less painful.

As it turns out, it might be the rectum glass option. Somehow Ruto has magically found her way into the boss chamber’s teleportation sphincter. She’s all worked up, screeching, “You…You’re late! What took you so long? You’re useless!” But this isn’t the really bad part. It’s when she adds, “I was just lonely, that’s all… Just a little!!” that Twink begins to experience true fear. The camera, nestled between Ruto’s legs, records the duo’s journey back to Zora’s fountain. And now I have experienced true pain.

As the jaunty Hyrule theme plays in the background, Ruto gets right in Twink’s face, giggling coquettishly. With a sound like he’s trying to vomit and scream at the same time, Twink launches himself backwards. The camera pulls out to show that they were standing on a log in Zora’s Fountain, and Twink managed to fall off into the lake. But that’s no way to escape a horny, persistent Zora! Ruto simply dives in after him, and attempts a seductive little swim-bounce toward him. Once she has her prepubescent breasts about six inches from his horrified face, she gushes, “You! You looked cool…cooler than I thought you would, anyway… Just a little!” Between the nudity, the combination of snottiness and pushiness, and the backhanded compliments, Twink realizes that he misses the other girls. And that’s the worst feeling he’s ever experienced.

See, we’re not even making up the ‘ew, girls!’ thing.

And things still manage to go downhill from there. Ruto offers Twink some sort of reward — and we all know what she wants to give him. Twink is allowed to choose between the Spiritual Stone and “Nothing really…” By now, he’s tempted to choose the second option — anything to avoid prolonged contact with the fish girl. But his greed for fabulous jewelry wins out, and he chooses the Spiritual Stone.

Oh, but Twink has no idea what he’s getting himself into, and I might mean that literally. To his extreme dismay and despair, Ruto responds, “My mother gave it to me and said I should give it only to the man who will be my husband. You might call it the Zora’s Engagement Ring!”

Oh, fuck no.

When Twink finishes screaming, Ruto agrees to give him her “most precious possession.” Although she immediately adds that she’s referring to that stupid sapphire, it sounds suspiciously like she’s offering Twink her virginity. When she flips onto her back, these suspicions are confirmed, and Twink wishes he was able to use his sword while swimming. Not that sword — the sharp one he wants to use to off himself. Since Ruto is undoubtedly a much better swimmer than Twink, he has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. If he tried to drown himself, she’d probably even give him mouth-to-mouth. It’s a dire situation Twink finds himself in.

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But then Ruto paddles away from him as a blue glowing orb forms above her. Suddenly the camera cuts to Twink holding Zora’s Sapphire aloft with Ruto nowhere to be found. I don’t know what just happened, but I hope for Twink’s sake that he didn’t just screw the fish girl. I’m assuming not, since Twink would never survive such a traumatizing incident. The Disembodied Item Describer reminds Twink that the blue jewel is still Zora’s Sapphire. “Her most precious possession? You don’t know what she’s talking about, but you’ve finally collected all three Spiritual Stones!!” Oh, I’m pretty sure that Twink knows what she’s talking about. He just doesn’t want to know. Just to remind Twink how much his life sucks, the Disembodied Item Describer tells him to go visit Princess Zelda. Yeah, that’s still right at the top of Twink’s list. Along with “Buy unfabulous flannel clothing” and “Spend the day chatting with Naggy and her female friends.”

‘I’m still alive and sober, so no.’

Twink decides to catch up on his spider killing, now that he has the Boomerwang for those extra hard-to-reach spider coins. Since he’s right there, he clears them out of Jabba first, then moves on to Lake Hylia via the magic portal. The only reason I bother mentioning this is that Twink finds something even more unfortunate than spiders in the lake area. On a walkway over the water, he encounters Blathers sitting on a stone tablet. Because it’s night, Twink can’t see exactly what Blathers is doing with one of his wings, and that’s just fine with him. What isn’t fine with him is Blathers’s completely unnecessary exposition. Okay, sure, Twink didn’t already know about the Water Temple, so thanks, Blathers, for ruining his blissful ignorance on that subject. However, I think Twink is quite familiar with both the Zoras and Zora’s Domain, as well as their alliance with Hyrule’s Royal Family. Even if he hadn’t just spent the last couple of hours acquainting himself with their fine homeland, their way of life, and — most unfortunately — their princess, Blathers was the one who fucking told him all of this when he stalked Twink by the river. Twice!

Twink starts shuddering uncontrollably and he doesn’t even know why.

Suddenly Twink has the sinking suspicion that Blathers keeps “forgetting” what he already told him because in reality there isn’t just one Blathers flying around Hyrule, stalking his sweet underage ass — there could be a whole network of creepy owls keeping tabs on him. And now Twink and I have the mental image of an owl gangrape session burned into our already traumatized brains. Expect a lawsuit, Nintendo.

Blathers — or this particular Blathers, if you buy the multiple theory — offers Twink a ride back to the castle. Now, last time Twink ended up with a Piece of Ass instead of a piece of something unpleasant up his ass. Is it worth taking the risk again? I don’t give him the choice. Have fun fearing for your life and sanity, Twink!