The other alternative is that Ganondorf knew, from the very beginning, that Twink would go and collect the stones by helping out those whose lives were fucked up by Ganondorf — clearing out the Dicku Tree’s curse, clearing out Dodongo’s Cavern, rescuing the princess. This would at least explain why he left so many helpful items around the dungeons. But if that were his plan, Jesus Christ, what a load of trouble to go through. Sure, it may seem like Ganondorf saved himself the trouble of defeating the dungeons while Twink, like a sucker, did all the hard work, but Ganondorf was the one that made the dungeons, so he wouldn’t have had to do any of them anyway. I guess I’m just trying to say that, for example, the intricate plot with Ruto’s forged letter and Jabba had to take way more effort than simply taking the sapphire away from a little fish girl.
The point being, I’m not really sure what Ganondorf was really up to here because both alternatives are pretty retarded. And Zelda sucks because her plan was even more retarded. Although now that I think about it, Twink is the real genius here — he might have finally managed to destroy Hyrule, which is what he wanted all along.
Some mystical music replaces Ganondorf’s ugly mug as another voice begins to speak to Twink against the white screen. “Wake up… Twink, the chosen one…” “Wake up”? Did the Masturbator Sword have roofies smeared on the hilt? What’s going on? Is Blathers responsible for this?
The camera pans around a rather nonsensical chamber with waterfalls for walls. I think we’re supposed to be seeing this place from Twink’s POV, because as soon as he spots the owner of the voice — a scary fat bald guy with a white muttonchop mustache and orange robes — the camera jerks in surprise. A close-up on the guy’s face kind of reminds me of my high school band director who, as it turns out, enjoys the company of pubescent girls. Like that. Needless to say, this character hasn’t had two lines and I’m already creeped out. Which…isn’t different from any other character in this game, actually. At least Twink should be safe, since he’s not a young girl. “I am Rauru, one of the ancient Sages…” he introduces himself, hiding his kiddie porn behind his back. Expositing about shit we already knew, like the fact that the Temple of Time is the gate to the Sacred Realm, he informs Twink that the two of them are inside the Temple of Light’s Chamber of Sages. Not that this really means anything to Twink, but it’s nice to know he’s not inside the Forced Sodomy Room in the Temple of Rape.
“The Temple of Light, situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf’s evil forces,” Rauru continues. Oh, and when Twink pulled out the Masturbator Sword, he essentially opened up the Sacred Realm. Yeah, Twink kind of figured that after Ganondorf’s evil monologue, thanks. “Twink… Don’t be alarmed… Look at yourself…!”
Shit, what now? Did someone shave his head? Is he wearing a pink heart sweater with “I Love Zelda” on it? Did someone tattoo “Property of Princess Ruto” on his ass? What? What is it?!
The first thing we see after this little warning is Naggy flitting around, meaning that she didn’t get wiped out in Ganondorf’s reign of terror. Darn. The camera pans down to reveal Twink’s transformation. Wow! He’s all grown up now and wearing the most stunning pair of white tights. Apparently, staring up the shorts of a young boy is okay, but it would be totally inappropriate to catch a glimpse of adult wang. Thank goodness they covered up his dangly bits.
“Look Twink! You’re big now!! You’ve grown up!” Naggy screams in excitement, reminding Twink that even though he can do all sorts of neat things with his new grown-up body, his life still totally sucks ass. Plus, he’s stuck in a chamber with a shrill, irritating girl fairy and an old guy who looks like a child molester…of girls, no less.
The camera pulls out to show that Twink is standing in the middle of a Triforce symbol on a hexagonal watery platform, surrounded by six colored seals. Rauru is standing on the yellow one — this becomes somewhat important in a moment. He blathers on some more about how Twink’s ability to pull the Masturbator Sword from its stone means that he’s the true Hero of Time, like we didn’t all figure that out hours ago. But because of Twink’s tender age, he was not permitted to fulfill the required tasks of the hero, so they stuck him in suspended animation for seven years. Never mind that someone could have warned him about all this before he pulled the sword. Or that he could have spent those seven years training to be a hero rather than remaining unconscious while unknown individuals had unlimited access to his nubile young body and Ganondorf raped and pillaged his way through Hyrule. Nope, this makes much more sense!
Now that Twink has hit the unspecified age where he can do all these heroic things, Rauru or someone woke him up and now it’s time to go be a hero! Except that he probably has to take some time to get used to moving around in his new body and all that stuff, thanks to the seven years of not moving at all. As a parting shot, Rauru mentions — again — that even though Twink was trying to help Hyrule by opening the way to the Sacred Realm, “Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves” ended up getting in and using the Triforce to become — wait for it — the King of Evil. So, like, thanks a lot, hero! Twink bites his tongue to keep from admitting that he hopes the entire kingdom perishes in a sea of evil flames. Fuck Hyrule.
What, it wasn’t before? Just look at its inhabitants.
Also, Ganondorf is evil. Just wanted to make sure you knew that.
Okay, I thought Rauru was about to shut up, but the joke’s on me. After giving Twink some more information about how much Ganondorf screwed over Hyrule with his eviltude, he tells Twink that the only way to stop him and his evil evilness is to restore the power of all the Sages. And then there’s something about Sages Seals, but I’m kind of getting tired of recapping all this exposition. Basically, Twink has to do more dungeons, dungeons that will undoubtedly relate to the different colors of the six circles (seals) on the watery platform.
After reiterating that Twink is the Hero of Time, and the Hero of Time is chosen by the Masturbator Sword, Rauru bestows upon Twink the first medallion — the yellow one, obviously. Meaning that Twink has one less dungeon to complete. Of course, Twink had to sit through all that repetitive exposition, so it’s not like it was an entirely painless experience. He feels he earned that medallion. Right after Rauru reminds Twink a couple more times that he needs to go seek out the other Sages — in case he forgot that in the last 45 seconds — Twink gets magically teleported back to the Temple of Time. Naggy proceeds to inform him that they are now back in the Temple of Time.
I can’t hold back any longer.
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet Jesus.
According to Naggy, Twink can no longer use some of his childish weapons. No explanation is given for this, so I really have no clue why Twink can’t still throw the Boomerwang or shoot his Schlongshot beyond “Well, we the game designers don’t want you to be able to do just anything yet. You have to earn it. Again! Lucky you!” Whatever. Twink agrees with Naggy — for once — that they need to blow this joint. And I don’t mean that sexually.
Or do I? As Twink descends from the dais, he feels a very sexy pair of eyes on his back. He turns around, sword at the ready, to face this silent, stealthy person.
Oh. Oh my goodness. Twink cannot keep the grin off his face as he gives the newcomer a good once-over. He’s an absolutely divine young man, clad in a skintight blue bodysuit that shows off every muscular contour of his very male body. His ninja mask can’t conceal a shock of spiky blond hair or those gorgeous red eyes. Twink barely notices the red eye symbol on this person’s chest, as he is way too busy checking out those hot pecs. Being a grown-up is awesome!
“I’ve been waiting for you, Hero of Time…” this sexy creature murmurs. Twink is suddenly very, very happy for the loose, concealing nature of his tunic in the crotchular area. And the flouncy harp theme clinches it — this is Twink’s soulmate. Whatever horrors he has experienced at the hands of those icky, grasping girls, it was all worth it if this handsome young hunk is his reward. Oh, he will never doubt the goddesses again!
The only drawback — which Twink can happily overlook — is that this person tends to be on the pretentiously expositional side. But Twink will pretend to listen, if that’s what it takes to earn some alone time with this fabulous creature here. And he’s willing to admit that the color-coded list of temples is kind of cute, in a cliched kind of way. According to his new boyfriend, Twink will encounter dungeons in these five places: “One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One within the house of the dead… One inside a goddess of the sand…” Only the last two of which might be considered remotely unexpected, and the desert one only because it’s not the fire dungeon like it is in most games.
Twink just nods through all this, his mind focused on wondering what his new boyfriend’s ass looks like — would he just turn around already? When the exposition shows no sign of ending, Twink gets ready to run back up the dais and shut him up with a hot homosexual kiss, but then Mr. Sexy finishes with, “This is the legend of the temples passed down by my people, the Sheikah.” Ooh, he’s going to do it with a Sheikah! How exotic!
“I am Sheik. Survivor of the Sheikahs…” Twink’s new boyfriend finishes. Well, that’s a bit…odd. A Sheikah named Sheik? If the Sheikah are considered a race, that would be like a Caucasian named “Cauc.” That would pretty much rhyme with “cock,” by the way.
Oh, baby.
Well, Twink doesn’t care if Sheik has a totally uncreative name — he’ll still happily call it out in the throes of passion. “As I see you standing there holding the mythical [Masturbator] Sword, you really do look like that legendary Hero of Time…” Sheik breathes, causing Twink to blush. Twink tries to subtly hint to Naggy that she should…go somewhere else for a while. Like, right away. But Naggy, true to her oblivious nature, just hovers there grinning like a moron. God damn it, Naggy, Twink has a new adult penis that he’d like to try out! In private!
Sheik reminds Twink — yet again — that he needs to go find the five Sages in the five temples. Yes, Twink got that. Is Sheik being repetitive because he’s waiting for Naggy to go away, too? Because Twink is really getting impatient now. And I am, too, but for a different reason. My typing fingers are tired! Stop talking, Sheik! Alas. “One Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The Sage is a girl I am sure you know…”
Finally, he gets his chance.
Well, pour a bucket of cold water over Twink, why don’t you? Cursing Naggy — he’s sure she’s at fault for this completely unsexy conversational turn — Twink lets out a huge, morose sigh. He is so going to give Naggy the verbal — and note I said verbal — reaming of her life as soon as they get out of this place. Sheik’s final instructions are for Twink to head over to Cockariko Village to get an item he needs in order to enter the lame and stupid Forest Temple. Ugh, why can’t they just stay here and do naughty things to each other without talking about Twink rescuing girls?
On that downer of a note, I’m going to end this recap. What will the future bring for Twink and his hot new boytoy? Will Twink finally ditch Naggy long enough to get it on with the sexy Sheik, or is he in for another adventure full of rescuing irritating girls? Find out more when Sam takes you through the Forest Temple. See you in Part 5!